Irrevocable
by Miss Heather
Summary: He didn't put the noose around my neck, but every time he looked in my direction he tightened it. Every glance took me a step closer to my downfall.
1. Stolen Innocence

**So here's the first chapter of my first ever real story. I know this sounds rather disheartening and probably not what you want to read when your about to get into a story but this chapter is here for the sole purpose of introduction and background. It's definitely not the best chapter in this but it was necessary to explain the setting and give you a clear view of her and her surrounding problems.**

**I just wanted you to bear in mind that the rest of the story won't be like this and even if you're not in love with my first chapter, I promise it does get better :)**

**Enjoy!**

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I liked my small garden. I loved the smell of the flowers that covered the moat of soil around the edges. I loved the way they looked when the sun hit them.

I could sit on my white wooden bench that lay behind the overly large greenhouse and relax for a while. I think that it was probably the only space on the entire estate that I could be completely at ease.

However, in recent years I had begun to read on my bench. I was never much of a reader but for some reason, I had begun to find solace in books. The comfort was to be in someone else's world, if only for a short time. To read of someone else's struggles, fiction or not.

Jane Austen was my most recent read. The reason I loved her books so much was because they always had a happy ending. Not a fairytale ending, and of course the road to it was a struggle, but it generally worked out in the end. Strictly speaking, I wasn't supposed to read Muggle authors but no one really noticed if I didn't do it openly.

My mother frequently lectured me on reading outside. Apparently that was what the library was for and if I insisted on leaving the house, then I should go for a quiet walk in the gardens. My mother didn't understand how I hated walking around the tainted estate.

Everything here was fake or corrupt.

You see, I was one of the three Phoenix heirs. The youngest and only girl.

The Phoenix family name was widely recognized and very much respected. Yet with that respect came an uneasy fear. My father Leonidas did nothing to banish this fear; in fact, he was often the one that induced it in people.

My father was the eldest of two sons and had been taught from birth what his role in life would be. There is one word to sum up my father: ruthless. If my father aimed for something, then make no mistake, he would get it. No matter how long it took or what he had to do, my father got his way. He was not a man you refused or defied, that was certain.

He and my mother Ebony married at just eighteen. Father was very emotionless, very enigmatic, but I knew he felt something for me. I wouldn't call it love, by any means, but a sense of responsibility. However, when it came to my mother, it was not in her nature to care for anything but herself. She was very beautiful; in fact, she was pretty much the closest you can get to perfection, but with her beauty came a vanity and with her inbred genetic heritage came a malicious and cold attitude towards people which made her a very formidable character. In the eyes of others, we appear to have a good relationship, but it runs no deeper than me being her doll. All that matters to my mother is appearance.

Then there are my brothers. Twins, yet you would never think so.

Troy. Two minutes younger than his brother and one year older than me. Troy and I do not get on. At all.

He inherited my mother's temper. Over the years, it had escalated to a sadism that even I have grown cautious of. He enjoys causing pain, thrives on the control it gives him.

Troy is intelligent, can appear extremely charming when he chooses, and unfortunately gets away with murder for the way he looks. He is very attractive, my brother, with tanned skin that is very unusual in our family and slightly aristocratic looks about him. His eyes are a blue like mine but often appear a shade darker for they darken with his anger.

However, Tudor, the eldest twin, is quiet different in both mentality and appearance. Tudor has dark features which I presume some would call dark and handsome. His eyes are a cold dark green, almost black. I am convinced Tudor's eyes mirror his soul. Tudor, next to my father, is by far the coldest, harshest, and most complex person I have ever come across. And trust me, living in the messed up pureblood society I live in, I have met many. But Tudor outdoes them tenfold. I do not fear Troy at all, but I do fear Tudor.

Although Tudor is all but empty, he does have this strong sense of responsibility when it comes to blood. He shows infinite patience with Troy, stopping him from going too far and killing anyone when he flies off into a rage. In turn, Troy does his best to stop Tudor from getting into one of those rages. From experience we both know what happens when Tudor gets angry and the only way to stop him is to make sure he doesn't get there in the first place. When angry, Troy hurts people, he physically hurts them with spells or violence. But Tudor does not. Tudor breaks people. He mentally destroys them. No spells required. If you cross Tudor and push him enough, he can tear down your life.

Then of course there is me. Now, where to begin with me? My full name is Veronica Evangeline Rose Phoenix, I am sixteen years old and though I am not the Aphrodite my mother hoped for, I do not think myself unattractive.

I inherited only three things from my mother: her dainty hourglass figure, her cherry red lips and her uniquely pale skin. Personally, I believe that is where our similarities end, both mentally and physically. Where her hair is black, mine is an unusual shade of dark gold that hangs down to my hips. My eyes are the only physical trait I share with my father and Troy but mine, though the same color, are different. Well, they were anyway. My eyes used to sparkle but now I have to keep them as cold as ice. When I was a child, they were like sapphires, same shade and same shimmer. I used to like that idea.

Then I grew up and stopped noticing as my sapphire eyes froze.

However, there were not always only three Phoenix heirs. Some time ago there was another: Paris, my eldest brother and seven years my senior. Paris was my favorite brother. I know I am not supposed to have a favorite, but we got on so well it was hard not to prefer his company. Though there was such a large age gap to made us different, one thing that connected us was a conscience. Of course, I did not know this at the time, for I saw my family through the eyes of innocence and did not even for a moment think my family capable of what I now know they are. These days, I know that what made me warm to Paris so much was that he had a strong conscience that dictated all his actions.

Perhaps too often.

Paris attended Durmstrang Institute for Magical Learning for his education and when he came home from his final year of schooling, he and my father had an argument. They argued because Paris wanted out of the family, away from its twisted beliefs and narrow minded arrogance. Never before had anyone been so defiant to my father, let alone his very own son. I watched them argue below me as I was shrouded in darkness on the upper landing overlooking the entrance hall. My fearful eyes flickered between my beloved brother and livid father. Eventually, after they had apparently used words too long, they both drew their wands.

To this day, I don't know who cast the first spell. All I know is that even though Paris was a very skilled dueler, my father was leagues better and within seconds Paris was disarmed and brought to his knees in agony.

I recall my father looking at his son as he knelt before him and even though I was far from the pair, I distinctly saw something flicker in his eyes that I had never seen before. He raised his wand in a quick motion and a red light streamed from its tip before shooting at my brother. The second it hit he crumbled in pain.

I was frozen as I watched my father mercilessly torture his first born son.

I couldn't move, I could barely breathe. I saw my mother, also in the hall below, watching the scene with a look of indifference on her face. A huge part of me wanted to do something, anything to stop my father, but what could I do? Thinking back, there were a lot of options, but at the time, I was an eleven year old girl who was watching her brother scream as his own father caused him pain. All I could do was sit and watch as he slipped into insanity.

I faintly remember finding enough strength to get up and I ran and ran until I could no longer hear his screams. I remember running through corridors, up stairs. I didn't know where I was going, but eventually I entered a musty unused room in the tower. I recall throwing the door closed and then tumbling under a desk in the corner where I curled up into a ball letting the tears fall.

I don't know how long I was there, I just remember the feelings. There was a pain that I had never experienced before. It was a pain in my chest; a physical yet mental pain that seemed to be cutting my heart. However, eventually the tears stopped and I found myself leaning against one of the legs of the desk feeling numb.

It seemed I was not the same as when I came in. I had realized things, realized things that would have been obvious to any adult. But as an innocent child, I had brushed these realities off for years, preferring to keep myself in a secure happy bubble. Yet the truth had begun to weigh down on me like bricks, and it hurt. It hurt to have the carefree gift of youth ripped away from me, because the reality was so painful.

I got up and froze when I reached full height. On the opposing wall was a dirty mirror that I reflected my image. My eyes weren't sparkling, my rosy cheeks weren't rosy but blotchy from the tears that still lingered on my face, my breathing was ragged and my usually perfect ringlets messed up and split.

I looked weak.

My lungs took in an enormous amount of air as I wiped my face free of tears; I pulled my clip from my hair before clipping the whole thing up away from my face. Crying wasn't going to help me. I had to stop being so weak, I had to make sure I didn't lose Paris for nothing. I kept repeating these lines in my head until they eventually sunk in.

Something had to be done. I had to do something. The first reason was that if he could do that to his very own son then what was he capable of doing to others? What was she capable of doing to me? I knew I wasn't safe in that house.

On the old wooden desk I had hidden under, I remember frantically searching the contents of the top, looking for something, anything that may help. I came across a pot of Floo powder, buried beneath a pile of papers and covered in dust and cobwebs. I cracked open the lid to see very little powder left. There may have been enough for two trips, but I was only confident there was enough for one.

I looked up and saw there was a fireplace blocked only by some books. I removed them from my way, thinking about what to do.

I couldn't go to the Ministry. No one would believe me, and even if they did, my father would wriggle free unharmed due to all his connections. Maybe to my Uncle Jack? He and I had always been close. I could have run away, gotten away from my family, been safe with him, but if I went there how would that stop my father?

All these questions ran through my mind as I stood in front of the fireplace, trying to think of what to do. Then it came to me that if there was anyone that could help, it would be Albus Dumbledore. Paris always spoke… had always spoken highly of him and he told me of Dumbledore's dislike of the Dark Arts. Surely Dumbledore would help if he could. I hesitated repeatedly about a dozen times before steadying myself and making my decision.

Perhaps had I been older, had I been calmer, had the emotions not been so raw, then I may have not Floo'd to anyone. Not involved anyone else.

But I wasn't mature. I was a heartbroken child. I wasn't calm, I was bordering hysteria. And to say that the emotions were still raw was an understatement. I was a scared little girl who needed help. Needed someone to take my pain away.

So I stepped into the fireplace and threw down the dust stating clearly where it was I wanted to appear. After all, Dumbledore was the Headmaster of Hogwarts. He would have an office to where I could go.

And that was where I went. That day, Albus Dumbledore helped me.

I remember him sitting me down in his cluttered office as I told him everything, and I mean everything. All I had seen, all that I knew. He asked questions and comforted me. Eventually, I was informed that I was not the only one seeking my father's downfall. Apparently he was worse than I thought. Dumbledore, along with other people he referred to as the Order of the Phoenix, had been trying to bring him down for quite a few years. My father, along with two others, was head of some kind of…organization, if you will, that dealt with the Dark Arts. According to Dumbledore, my father's radical views on purity stretched further than teaching pureblood children the importance of their heritage.

Dumbledore told me that in doing what I had done, I had helped the Order greatly. My uncle apparently was part of it, and though I was momentarily shocked that my father's own brother wanted him gone, I could not dwell on it as I was his only daughter and here I sat, a traitor to my family. Immediately, I wanted to help. I wanted to do something more to aid the Order Dumbledore spoke of, but he wouldn't have it.

He solemnly apologized for my loss as if it was somehow his fault and he grew graver once he told me that my first assumption was right. Unless my father made a big mistake in the next twenty four hours, there was no proof of what he did to Paris. Only my word. Then he said something that in my mind wasn't very well thought out.

He said he didn't want to involve me in this.

Whether I liked it or not, I was part of it. I was born into it, I didn't have a choice, and my life was already at risk just returning to that house. After all, if he could do that to Paris… I didn't want to think about what he could do to me. I demanded to help. Not play a big part, but from what I could gather, Dumbledore had no one on the inside of my father's group to let them know exactly what was going on. Who would be better than me, the leader's very own daughter who lived in the house where they met and talked? I could find out more in a week than any member of the Order could in a year. After all, I was trusted and my father's group wasn't cautious of me since I was only a child. I could give the Order information that no one else could.

I saw how it hurt him when he replied.

Very reluctantly he agreed with me, but said that if this was to be done, it would be done on his terms. I agreed immediately, ecstatic that I was doing something to (for want of better word) avenge Paris. The pain in my chest eased slightly at that thought.

Upon returning home that evening, my father was locked in his office and my mother wasn't there. I could only imagine what they were doing to cover up what my father did. That night, I went to my room and lay in my bed for hours staring at the ceiling. So many emotions raged inside me, but my face was passive, indifferent. I felt lonely, pained, grieved, betrayed, guilty, disloyal and determined. At the time, I didn't know that I would have to become accustomed to raging inner turmoil. Within the next week I was sent off to my first year of schooling at Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. I liked it there, away from my brothers' and my parents' controlling ways, away from English pureblood families. I made friends quickly but still associated with pureblood children that my family would have heard of. This way, I could keep face at home when questioned on my acquaintances at school.

I learnt The Order of the Phoenix had many members and different members would visit Beauxbatons on 'official business' every now and then. At night, they would come to me discreetly and I would tell them anything I could recall or anything I had learnt when going back home for holidays. These visits were not very often, as it was quite rare that the whole Order was assembled together. It went on like this for years. The first two were probably the most challenging personally, as these were the years were I had to learn how to perfect this act I was putting on. You see, I couldn't be the rebellious carefree little girl anymore. I needed my family to really, really trust me and the only way that would happen is if they thought I had finally grown up. It worked. Since they trusted me more, they told me more. They were more open with me. My father even began to speak with me on a personal level as opposed to the formal one he used to use when I was younger. I had to learn to block my emotions, emotionally cut myself off, learn to lie the way my brothers could, learn to manipulate the way they could.

When I did that, everything was so much easier. I learned to balance it perfectly. I would go home and play the perfect pureblood daughter in every sense, finding out what I had to for the Order. Then I would go to Beauxbatons where I could drop the act and be me. However, the me I was was far different to the one I used to be because it seemed that I could not completely separate my pureblood act from my everyday one. Traces remained, such as the tendency to be able to emotionally detach myself from certain situations. I could also lie about anything and there were days where I would feel tremendous guilt for what it was I was doing. As I said, though, I learned to balance this. My third, fourth and fifth years were simple. Peaceful I suppose, no dramatic upturns or massive complications.

The people in the Order of the Phoenix itself had become friendly faces to me. I had begun to trust quite a few of them and I suppose you could say I was friends with a handful. As I said, my family trusted me more so it was far easier to gain information about what it was that my father did. I found out how this group of his worked, how they did what they were going to do. The more information I provided, the closer the Order got to a conviction.

But peace does not last. And when I came home from fifth year, my parents told me something that was going to change everything.

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	2. Playing The Role

**Hi. This is the second chapter and I'm not too sure what I think of it yet. I would really like to know what you all think of this story and if there is any point in me carrying on. Big thank you to Slythrin-Princess-22 for such a nice review, and no I haven't wrote the whole story yet but i do where its going and what's going to happen.**

**Hope you all like this chapter!**

Hogwarts.

My family was sending me to Hogwarts. Apparently I had not been spending enough time with the children that I had grown up with, the children of my father's 'friends', so they were sending me to there. They felt it important that I be among 'the right company' in my approach to adulthood. Wanted me to get to know the people they assumed I would be associating with for the rest of my life.

The light from the sky was getting dimmer so I decided to get back before it got cold. God forbid I got a cough in time for Hogwarts.

As I walked through the glorified gardens that lead me to the house I so dreaded to enter, I found my thoughts drifting, yet again to what exactly it was that I would do when at Hogwarts. Since the second my father had called me into his study and told me, my mind had been ablaze with worry at the situation I would find myself in very soon.

My brothers, especially Troy, would be keeping a very close eye on me and so would all the other pure-blood inbred brats. Troy would look for any reason to get me into trouble. It didn't help that all the people I would have to be 'friends' with were all pompous twisted twats who thought themselves damn near royalty when it came to... well, pretty much everything. Not to mention how hard it would be to communicate with the Order with my brothers watching my every move.

I sighed heavily as I entered the ludicrously big house. My house was one of the oldest magical homes in Britain, passed down the Phoenix line for centuries, but with its history came far too many rooms and far too much space. I hated walking down the large echoing corridors on the light and spacious lower floors and making my way through the gothic upper floors that had far too many pieces of furniture crowding the halls.

A few years ago, I found out that one of the upper floors, the fifth, was headquarters to the evil cult thing that my father was running. Of course, its real name was some Latin thing that I could never be bothered saying. It was something like Pollentia Casus Excessus or something like that. Since the headquarters were here, there were always other people in the house, mainly on the fifth floor. There were six floors in total but I hadn't been further than the fourth since I was a child. After all, there were only empty bedrooms and storage rooms on the sixth floor.

My house had an odd layout; there was no main staircase, only a very large one leading from the entrance hall to the first floor and then a lot of other staircases around the house leading to different floors and rooms. The fifth floor only had two staircases leading to it: one on the sixth floor and one on the fourth. The one on the fourth floor was located directly across from the library entrance and instead of leading to a landing, it led to a door. As far as I knew, this door was not guarded or enchanted, but my father made it very clear that I should not enter.

I made my way up a small corridor that led to a larger one decorated in dark blues and deep purples. That was another odd thing about the house. Some rooms were marble-floored and even had marble walls, and others were dark, gothic, some even resembling dungeons with stone flooring and a green tinge to the lighting. The paintings were very spread out. Most of them were still, but there was a corridor on the second floor, the longest in the house, and nearly every inch of its red wall was covered in different enchanted paintings, many of their occupants snide and annoying, much like my family.

The corridor I was currently in was my mother's part of the house and when I passed one of her rooms, I heard her within, accompanied by someone. I rolled my eyes as I saw Tatiana Malfoy sitting with my mother, no doubt laughing and gossiping at other people's misfortune, through the crack of the unclosed door. I passed the room as silently as possible, knowing that if they heard me they would ask me to join them, and I would rather stick needles in my eyes, to be honest.

As I reached the third floor where my room lay, I halted. There was someone, unmoving, behind me but I could feel his or her eyes on me. I spun on the spot to see clearly who it was but almost jumped back when I saw Tudor standing very closely in front of me.

"Brother, you startled me," I said, closing my eyes as my heart steadied itself. When I opened them, I was filled with the familiar unease at the way he looked at me. The completely emotionless yet complex look that only he could give. It wasn't frightening, just unnerving.

"Where have you been?" he inquired, one of his dark eyebrows rising slightly as he spoke. His voice was void of emotion but it wasn't cold like it was with most people.

"In the gardens," I replied, matching his tone and looking him directly in the eyes as I spoke.

"Come to dinner in five minutes, Veronica," he said, still conveying no emotion.

"Mrs. Malfoy is downstairs. Is her husband here also?" I asked, wanting to know if there would be company. I prayed there wouldn't.

"All the Malfoys will be joining us," he said before turning to walk the way I had come. I had to stop myself from sighing. Brilliant. The whole Blondie Family was here. I didn't let the irritation show in my eyes until I turned to walk to my room.

As I changed into more fitting house clothes, I sighed at the thought of having to endure the Malfoys for the rest of the night. At least I wasn't going to their house. I always hated going there. I pretty much hated the Malfoys. I mean, really loathed them. Abraxas Malfoy was one of the men in my fathers group, and in turn was a very good friend of the family. My father and he met through his wife and my mother who had known each other from an early age. Tatiana was extremely aggravating and their son was almost unbearable. Lucius Malfoy was two years older than me and I supposed I would be seeing a lot more of him at Hogwarts. I had known him from an early age also, since he and my brothers were well acquainted. It had always been a great fear of mine that since our families were so close, they might decide to make some kind of union. In other words, marry me off to closest thing the pureblood community had to a drag queen.

Once vaguely satisfied with my appearance, I left the safety of my room to join my family and our guests. As I entered the room, I saw that I was the last to arrive and took my place between Tudor and Abraxas.

"Veronica," said Tatiana pleasantly from directly opposite me. "I haven't seen you since spring, how are you?" Her tone was pleasant but her silver eyes were scrutinizing.

"I am quite well, thank you," I replied, keeping the disdain from my voice as always. Food had started to appear on the plates, a charm my father put in as he never liked being served by our houselves, and wine had started to pour into the glasses in front of us when Abraxas turned to me.

"How did Beauxbatons fare then in the end, child?" I inwardly winced when he called me child. He always did it and it never failed to grate on my nerves.

"It was tolerable, the teachers were good enough and the some of the student population was quite agreeable, but on a whole, a school led by a half-breed leaves the students wanting," I replied whilst picking up my cutlery. The all too familiar feeling of guilt came over me at the half-breed comment but it was necessary to say these things to keep face... though I could remember nearly every comment I had made and whenever my mind wandered to them I felt stabs of guilt...

Abraxas nodded, agreeing with me, and his action irritated me. Though I did not look at him, I could feel my father's eyes on me. A chill went down my spine. I had no qualm in admitting my father terrified me. How could he not after what he had done? After what I had found out he had done? Now that I knew what he was capable of, the unpleasant sensation of fear came to my stomach whenever his eyes focused on me.

The meal was fairly silent. When finished, we all moved to a dark green sitting room which had many chairs and sofas. It also held an enormous fireplace filled with roaring flames.

I was at on a silky silver loveseat with Tatiana and as the rest of the room chatted, she turned to me, a curious look in her metallic eyes.

"Tell me Veronica, how do you feel about attending Hogwarts? It is big change, after all," she said in what I assumed she thought a kind tone.

Tatiana Malfoy was one of those women who knew everything about everyone and thought herself a brilliant manipulator. She believed everyone loved her and thought of her as a trusted friend whom they could confide in. In truth, she had very little skill in manipulating as she could never mask the emotion I her eyes. As for trusting her... only an idiot would.

Immediately, I knew why she looked at me the way she did. Since I had been in France for many years, there was very little information or gossip about me. Tatiana viewed this as the perfect opportunity to get as much information as she could before anyone else did. And I thought this a perfect opportunity to make people envision me as I wanted them to. After all, Tatiana could ruin reputations if she wished.

"Honestly, it's a change I think I'll welcome. After all, though there is agreeable company at Beauxbatons, Hogwarts houses the people I grew up with, the people that I wish to associate myself with. The matter of Houses confuses me slightly, though." I said, for once being truthful. I didn't know how the Houses worked exactly.

"Oh, it's quite simple, dear. Hogwarts has four Houses. Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Gryffindor and Slytherin." I noticed the way her eyes darkened at Gryffindor and showed pride at Slytherin. I knew that Slytherin was the House I was supposed to be placed in as all my family were, but I didn't fully understand what the difference between the Houses were. "Each House represents different characteristics," Tatiana went on to explain helpfully.

"Ravenclaw students have to have wit, intelligence and creativity. Hufflepuff: hard work, loyalty, tolerance and fair play, but honestly it's just for the students that don't fit anywhere else," she said, a slight disgust in her eyes. They darkened once more as she carried on. "Gryffindor values courage, daring, nerve and chivalry. All that House contains, however, is blood traitors and Mudbloods who confuse courage with recklessness and nerve as misplaced boldness."

Tatiana's eyes became more approving as she told me of the last House. "Slytherin is the House that you will be placed in. Salazar Slytherin valued ambition, cunning and resourcefulness. These, of course, are the skills that make successful people, Veronica," she finished, a smile on her lips.

"I understand now what they represent but how exactly does the school decide where to put you? I mean, how does it know which traits you have?" I asked, puzzled.

"When you first arrive, you will be asked to place a hat on you head. Odd as it sounds, the hat is almost as old as the school itself. Each founder of Hogwarts cast enchantments on the hat so that when a potential student put it on, it could determine which House that was most appropriate," she said simply.

"But it's a hat. Is it not slightly foolish to leave it up to an old piece of tattered cloth to determine how you spend the reminder of you schooling years? Surely it must make mistakes, must misread people," I asked in disbelief.

"You misunderstand, Veronica. The hat, as old as it is, had very advanced magic placed on it. It can see you innermost feelings, it can see all your secrets and can determine your entire character in seconds. Perhaps the odd mistake is made, but if it is, it's very rare," Tatiana saw the slight apprehension I showed and smiled. "Don't worry, it shall place you correctly, Veronica," she said reassuringly, giving my hand a soft pat.

"My only qualm with the school is that I hear the headmaster is quite... unfair towards families of Slytherin," my voice had well-placed confusion in it but, though I hated myself for speaking ill of Albus, I was intrigued to hear what she thought.

"Yes he is, wretched fool, the man has no standards, Veronica, none at all! He would see us live peacefully with Mudbloods and half-breeds and I'm sure you can see how he affects the school. Ever since they let that fool take charge of Hogwarts all he does is favor his beloved traitor house. It's an abomination," she spat, very displeased, it seemed.

"An abomination?" asked a cold voice. I turned my head to see that Tatiana's outburst had caught everyone's attention or perhaps it was my father's voice that had...

"Dumbledore, Father. Mrs. Malfoy was just telling me how he governs Hogwarts," I answered, trying to look for his reaction but as always, he didn't give one. No emotion in his cold blue eyes, no change in expression. Though I knew he heard me.

"He does so disgracefully. But do not fret over such things, child. The school will not have to tolerate his disrespectful ways for long," answered Abraxas, a malicious glint in his eye.

"Really? I thought him to be healthy and from what I have heard of the man, he would not abdicate willingly, so how can it be prevented that he stays headmaster for at least a few more decades? Has he grown ill?" I asked, playing the part of a very innocent and curious child. But I knew I was touching thin ice and I had to be extremely careful how to phrase my words and show no sign of eagerness or panic, two emotions that I was feeling strongly at that moment. As always, though, I shielded my emotions with my mask as I looked at the two men.

"His only illness is in the head, but unstable people often make foolish decisions," continued Abraxas, also phrasing his words carefully. Immediately I was very intrigued at the look in his eyes.

I was surprised my father had done nothing to stop the conversation.

"Surely a man of his... power, shall we say, would be safe from harm," I said, my voice indifferent but clear. I knew my father would speak as I felt a small shift in the atmosphere.

"Powerful as he may be, Veronica, he is still a man. An unstable man who is by no means invincible," he said, his eyes glinting in a way they rarely did. The way he spoke held an underlying... danger almost. Like a hint of a threat.

From past experience I knew this was the end of the conversation. When father used that tone of voice, you didn't question him. After the conversation, I disengaged myself and just listened for the rest of the night to my mother's mindless chat and my father's sick opinions that always made me want to glare. But as usual, I held my mask firmly in place. I paid attention, though, for the entire night in case something of importance was said. Nothing was and the night was fairly dull on all accounts. The only good thing that came from it was that I had very little interaction with Lucius which I was immensely thankful for.

Long after the Malfoys had left and I had retired to my room I lay in bed, very awake. What they said about Albus troubled me but only mildly. I had overheard many conversations where they spoke ill of him and nothing came of it. Did they have anything planned or were they just speaking out of hate and hope?

I sighed heavily, turning on my side as my mind went to a more immediate problem: I would be leaving for Hogwarts tomorrow. I thought about my earlier conversation with Tatiana. I genuinely had no idea where I would be placed. In honesty, I had the traits to be in Slytherin like my family wanted but I didn't know if I had other, more prominent traits. I smiled bitterly at the thought that a tattered old hat had the potential to make or break me.

Tatiana's words stuck in my head. The way she spoke of the Houses. With most things I could talk my way out but what could I possibly say if I didn't get into Slytherin? What would my family do? What would my father do?

Did I even really want to be in Slytherin?

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	3. My Mistake

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I awoke the next morning after little sleep and feeling, regrettably, quite anxious. I tried to tell myself I was nervous about starting a new school but as I got dressed, images of a grubby pointed hat kept flashing into my view.

I stood in the entrance hall to our house and waited for my brothers to come down the staircase.

My father had left very late the previous night to see someone and would not be coming back for a few days and my mother had left about an hour ago to meet a friend. I stood by the door as patiently as possible, fastening the buttons on a knee high black coat I had become quite fond of. I was wearing a tight grey dress with black tights and I couldn't help but feel my clothing matched my mood.

My brothers finally made their way down the staircase towards me. Troy seemed to be angry about something as he was hissing harsh words to Tudor who was clearly getting aggravated himself.

"Well then, maybe it should be fixed…" hissed Troy, his voice rising.

"If you would stop whining like some girl for a moment, Troy, you would know that I will fix it," Tudor snapped back. His features were very clearly in a state of irritation but his eyes were dark and unreadable.

"You'd better," said Troy, seemingly in a mood now. After giving me a hateful look he turned on the spot. I assumed he Disapparated to King's Cross.

"Problem?" I asked hesitantly, not knowing if Tudor was still mad.

His head snapped towards me, his eyes still dark, but they lightened quickly and the oddest things happened. His eyes gave me a small smile. A look I hadn't seen for a very long time.

Although Tudor can be beyond terrible at times, he has these moments very, very occasionally in which he is like a brother.

"Nothing to worry about. Troy's just getting worked up over nothing again," he said, his voice softer than normal.

"Do you have all your things?" he asked and when I nodded, he stepped forward and took my arm.

I had the odd yet familiar sensation of being sucked through a small tube and all the air seemed to be snatched from my lungs as we Apparated to Platforms 9 and 10 and went through the barrier to Platform 9¾.

I noticed how different the setting was from my usual annual departure to school. Usually, my mother took me to the coast where the Beauxbatons boat docked. Upon seeing the light blue boat, I would be filled with a sense of ease and anticipation, but landing in the centre of a ragging platform was quite different.

It was crowded with the sounds of owls hooting, children crying, parents fussing and the noisy carts squeaking across the concrete floor. The large scarlet steam train was puffing out smoke that carried to the glass ceiling. Instead of feeling relaxed with hint of anticipation, all I could feel was unease with a hell of a lot of dread attached.

When I observed my surroundings in more detail, I noticed that the crowd we had Apparated into was densely populated. After glancing at a few faces, I realized with a twist of my stomach that my hopes were futile. I had hoped, perhaps a little foolishly, that since Tudor was so... unfathomable, he would be overlooked. An enigma that people rarely thought of, but upon witnessing the reaction of Hogwarts students, I realized that Tudor would never be overlooked. My brother's reputation was what I thought in the first place; there was a fear in people's eyes, an intimidated reaction to his very imposing presence.

_Great, this is going to be a fun year._

Tudor was scanning the crowd, obviously searching for Troy, but apparently he couldn't find him as I saw his eyes narrow in frustration. This very slight change wasn't noticeable to anyone else other than me, however; to a passerby he looked emotionless and proud but I could tell he was getting aggravated.

"Tudor, perhaps you should find Troy before he does something foolish. Shall I just find a compartment?" I asked, making sure to phrase my sentences carefully and leaving him ultimately with the decision. If I _told_ him I was getting on the train and _requested _he look for Troy his answer would be drastically different.

Tudor cast his eyes down to me and I was relieved to see that the softer look he had had earlier was still there. It wasn't warm per se but it was neither cold and nor emotionless.

"I fully intend to find him in a moment, but before I do I must make sure you are at least escorted to a compartment," he said to me, his tone not as demanding as usual. I found my brother beyond confusing at times and didn't even attempt to work out why he was being kinder to me than usual; I would only get a headache in the end. In a way, this was a problem I had with Tudor. I never knew how he would react to anything, and this made me very uneasy when around him.

He took my hand and pulled me through the thick crowds. I followed his gaze, trying to see where we were headed. I need not have bothered as my brother called out a name I wasn't too pleased to hear. "Bellatrix!" His tone had turned demanding again.

We were headed to Hogwarts' version of the anti-Christ.

Bellatrix Black was a very well known name in my family's social circle. She was very much respected for her ways. Bellatrix was beautiful and very good with a wand. She was a year above me but that didn't stop her from considering me a friend. Even though I hadn't seen her in a quite a while, she had asked after me on more than one occasion. You see, the problem with Bellatrix was that even though she was beautiful and respected, she was slightly unhinged and showed some sadistic qualities. She was certainly not someone I particularly wanted to be closely acquainted with, but it was necessary. In terms of the Order, it was important to have Bellatrix trust me.

"Veronica! Well, I have not seen you in some time," she said, her dark eyes looking me up and down agonizingly slowly and rather obviously.

"It has been--" I started, but was interrupted by Tudor's voice. "Bellatrix, take her to a carriage. I must attend to something." His eyes were back to their freezing stare.

Annoyance flitted very briefly over Bellatrix's features before she smiled and obliged. I knew Tudor had noticed her irritation for his eyes became even icier. He left almost immediately to locate Troy and Bellatrix gestured for me to follow in finding a carriage.

When she slid open a door with her well manicured fingers, I found myself looking into a carriage with four occupants: Lucius Malfoy, Theodore Nott, Evan Rosier and some other girl I did not know.

"Bellatrix," Rosier started to say but when he saw me he added, "...and Veronica? Well, well, I didn't know you would be starting here this year." He eyed me up and down along with everyone else in the compartment.

That was really starting to grate on my nerves.

After formalities I learned that the girl's name was Victoria Harlow and that she was not someone whose company I would enjoy. She was very... deceiving. I could immediately see in her eyes that she played the part of the foolish pretty girl, but underneath, she understood everything. Victoria might have been able to fool others, but I saw through it. There was an instant dislike.

The subject moved to Hogwarts and when I asked if it was any good, I received some unusual replies. According to my peers, the school contained poltergeists, trick walls, moving staircases and an insane caretaker. I found it all quite far-fetched, to be honest.

About twenty minutes into the train ride, both my brothers entered the carriage, each with a different expression. Troy's eyes glinted with a smug look, but Tudor was completely unreadable.

"Where have you two been?" asked Lucius suspiciously.

"That, Lucius, is not your concern," Tudor replied with a sharp edge to his voice.

"Just taking care of a few things, Lucius," said Troy lazily, glancing hesitantly at Tudor.

I noticed by his posture that he was uncomfortable and I didn't blame him. I felt awkward and I was a good few people away from him. I did not know the specifics of what had happened, but by the conversation this morning and the looks in their eyes, I assumed that Troy had gotten himself into some kind of trouble and it had been necessary for Tudor to fix it. I know because this was not the first time. Not even close.

The rest of the journey was dull and uneventful. As ever, I was polite and observant, but because of the looks that Rosier was giving me, I had the strongest urge to hit him. At one point I folded my hands on my lap just so they would stop twitching. The only thing that I gained from the journey was I understand each of their characters a lot better. Though that had no immediate impact, it couldn't hurt to understand the people I would have to associate myself with.

_Groan._

When I exited the train and made my way through the crowds with Bellatrix, I saw Hagrid beckoning first years to one side at the far end of the platform. I couldn't smile at the sight of him as that would have looked very suspicious, but I felt strong warmth for the enormous man whose voice boomed over all the chatter.

Bellatrix led me to some carriages being pulled by some kind of... creature. They were almost like skeletal horses with wings. My eyes rested on it for a moment, but Tudor placed a hand on my back, leading away from it and into the carriage it pulled. While I was sitting in the carriage, a strong and unwelcome feeling came over me: I was nervous. I was extremely nervous and as my throat twisted and my stomach danced, I found it almost painful to sit still and show no sign of hesitation. If I did, Troy would notice immediately as he had his eyes fixed on me the entire time.

_Idiot._

When Hogwarts came into view, I looked up and was in awe of its size. I had seen the school before but it was under very different circumstances. My nerves eased slightly as I observed what I assumed to be first years bobbing on the clear black lake towards the castle. My eyes drifted to the eerie yet beautiful forest as it swayed in the gentle breeze. Though the grounds were almost the opposite of Beauxbatons', they were still spectacular. However, my main priority at the moment was to get through the night.

When the carriage stopped, my nerves escalated; I either wanted to scream or cry. But as ever, my face was expressionless, my eyes indifferent and my posture relaxed. Even though the castle looked welcoming, it didn't stop me from wanting to run away from it.

As I walked into the entrance hall I wondered how exactly the Sorting would happen. It seemed Bellatrix had been thinking the same thing.

"How are you being sorted?" she asked, frowning slightly.

"I'm not sure. My letter didn't say exactly how--"

"Miss Veronica Phoenix?"

My head turned to see who had called me and found myself looking at Minerva McGonagall. I had to stop myself from giving her a smile or any kind of recognition. Although we had met many times already, no one was supposed to know that. However, I thought myself to know Minerva fairly well.

"Yes?" I asked in a toneless voice.

"I am Minerva McGonagall, deputy headmistress. I must take you to be sorted," she explained curtly, also showing no sign of ever seeing me before.

The tension in me eased considerably at the fact that my Sorting would not be in the spotlight of prying eyes. I said goodbye to my brothers and their friends before following Minerva up a flight of stairs away from the bustling crowds of onlookers.

When we turned into a corridor, she gave me the tight smile that I had grown to appreciate over the years.

"How are you, Veronica? I hope things went well this summer," she said, obviously concerned.

"No worse than any other. There are a few things that I have to inform the Order of, but I don't think now's the best time," I replied.

"No. There will be meeting shortly," she said, silently telling me that anything I had to say could be spoken then. "You will be sorted in the headmaster's office before the feast, Veronica. He thought you may appreciate some privacy," Her tone was gentler than her usually crisp one. I sighed, remembering how close the Sorting was.

"I'm becoming so anxious, Minerva. It's driving me mad!" It was unlike me to express concern over anything but the emotions I encased had to find some way of escape I suppose.

"There's nothing to worry about. It will be over quite quickly since Albus must open the feast. Now, if you carry on down this hall, you shall come to a gargoyle. The password is bon-bon. I really have to get back and prepare the first years for their Sorting. I just wanted to make sure you were alright first. Good luck," she finished, putting a reassuring hand on my shoulder. I returned her smile and watched her walk away before turning my gaze to the gargoyle ahead of me. I slowly trudged towards it and gave it the password.

As I made my way up the spiral staircase, as I thought about what was about to happen, the unwanted nerves returned and my stomach did a few flips. After taking a few deep calming breaths, I mentally slapped some sense into myself and knocked on the large wooden door.

"Come in," I heard a soft elderly voice from inside say. I smiled slightly at the familiar sound.

When I pushed open the door, I saw Albus Dumbledore standing in front of his desk. His white hair and beard cascaded down to his hips, almost covering his midnight-navy robes. His twinkling blue eyes lit up through his half moon spectacles upon seeing me. He gave me one of his dazzling smiles.

"How are you, Ronnie?" he asked when I got nearer and I couldn't help but smile through my nerves when I saw the fond look in his eyes.

"I'm a little nervous but I'll be okay when this is over," I replied with an attempt at a smile.

He looked at me for a moment saying nothing but his eyes twinkled. "Come here, Ronnie," he bid me, gesturing towards a padded chair in front of his desk. I sat down and smiled again at the fact that he called me Ronnie, which I preferred people to do, and not Veronica. Well, people I liked anyway.

"I'm afraid we have little time as the feast is waiting," he explained, his back to me as he picked something up. When he turned, I saw the Sorting Hat, which was almost identical to how I had envisioned it.

"Now don't be nervous," Albus stated, though I made no effort to hide my concern, "all you have to do is place it on your head. It will be very quick. Again, no need to worry." I tried my best to feel relaxed as he gently placed the old hat on my head. My breathing was deep and controlled as I attempted not to think about how badly this could go. The hat was so big that it covered my eyes and I bit my lip when it went dark.

"A Phoenix!" cried a voice suddenly, almost making me jump.

_Oh, dear Merlin. _

The hat, yes the hat, was talking to me. No one cared to mention this, did they!"I do enjoy sorting your family, all so intriguingly complex... and you are no disappointment, I see, but..." it went silent for a few moments and when it spoke again, its tone had changed. "...but you are different." it stated shortly. I tensed at its words. Again there was a short silence. "You're very hard to place," the hat accused, sounding vaguely annoyed by that.

_I thought you were supposed to see into my inner most thoughts…_

"That's whats making it so difficult," it pointed out. "You're a very conflicting Phoenix... Hufflepuff is not for you," it said decisively.

_Why?!_

I didn't really want to be in Hufflepuff, but I wanted to know why it was ruled out so quickly.

"You have not the patience nor the morals."

_I am moral--! _

"Not enough for a Hufflepuff." The hat thought for a moment. "A lot of knowledge... and wit, yes, you're very clever... yet I see you lack the care and drive to be a true Ravenclaw." I was about to argue again but it carried on. "Hmmm..."

_What!?_

I was getting very frustrated. This was supposed to be quick.

"Resourceful... strong willed... cunning... daring... defiant... Tell me, where do you want to be placed?"

_It doesn't matter what I want-- _

"It does, but you will not choose. I must be getting on with this, so..."

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	4. Fall From Grace

I sat in a daze. Dumbledore had left a few moments before, taking the filthy piece of battered cloth with him. The second the hat had made its choice, I demanded to it to reconsider, but it didn't say anything. I remember the look on Albus' face when he pulled the hat off... like I had just received terrible news.

_Argh! Why didn't I answer the damn thing when it asked my opinion!_

I was sitting, slumped down, in Albus' chair. I had no idea what to do or what to think. I was in the rival house. The enemy house. The hat had placed me in the house of Godric Gryffindor. Me, a Phoenix! In Gryffindor! What is wrong with that stupid hat?! My entire family had been in Slytherin for centuries. There was the odd Ravenclaw, true enough, but never in all the generations of Phoenix's had a member of the family been placed in Gryffindor.

Albus had told me, rather kindly, that I could stay in his office if I wanted so that I wouldn't have to face my brothers. Not yet, anyway.

_Oh Merlin, my brothers!_

What would they do, how would they react to their little sister being put into the house they openly detested? Troy was going to go ballistic; he was really going to go off at me when he found out. And Tudor... I couldn't even begin think about it.

As I closed my eyes, Tatiana Malfoy's words rung through my head as if she was screaming them. "Gryffindor values courage, daring, nerve and chivalry. All the house contains, however, are blood traitors and Mudbloods that confuse courage with recklessness and nerve with misplaced boldness."

Two words bounced of the walls of my skull. Blood traitor. A blood traitor was even worse than a Muggleborn to some purebloods. And now I was one. One word from a moth eaten hat and I now had a label. I banged my fist down hard on the table letting out my frustration.

I couldn't fix this. There was nothing that I could do to take it back. It was done, my fate sealed, with one word.

Almost six years of building up trust. Of putting myself in danger, seeing things, experiencing phenomena too terrible to describe and all but completely wipe out my past existence. All for what? For all to be torn down by a godforsaken fucking hat!

I just wanted to get that hat and set it on fire. It had ruined everything. Within a second of hearing this, all the trust my family had in me would be gone and replaced with betrayed feelings and hatred. How could I help the Order now? Furthermore, how could I help myself?

I didn't have any idea what my father would do when he found out. The instant that I thought of my father, images of my Paris screaming on the floor flashed into my vision. Breathing deeply, I placed my head in my hands and tried desperately to get composed.

The silence around me was deafening. There was the mild ticking of a clock, but that was it. The paintings were silent and nothing else seemed to move. I hate silence, I find it suffocating, and this was not what I needed.

I had actually thought at one point that this transfer of schools may be good. To find out more about my Father's group by spending time with the children of its members would be useful to the Order. And of course I thought having Albus in the same building a great comfort.

But it was a mistake. A very big mistake.

After a few moments of more silence I came to a conclusion. I was being weak. And if there was one thing I wasn't, it was weak. I just had to get a grip, fix this. There had to be some way in which to make my situation work out. Or at least become bearable. I couldn't crumble. One thing I was good at was lying, twisting the truth. I saw no reason why I couldn't twist this. I could make my family and their pureblood friends believe that the hat was wrong.

After all, Tatiana said that it had made mistakes. Then that is what this was: a mistake. A very dramatic and unwanted mistake, but it had happened and I would have to deal with it. I had to. If I crumbled now, it was game over, and there was no way on this earth that I was going to let my parents break me. I wouldn't be broken. I refused to be broken. It was going to be hard, but if I wore my mask correctly and played this right, then I might come out of it. Unharmed? Not a hope in hell, but I would come out of it alive and with my sanity intact. I just had to be strong and stay focused.

My musings were interrupted by the opening of the office door. I looked up and saw a tiny house elf walk in with a tray of food.

"Pardon me, miss, but Professor Dumbledore asked me to bring you this," the small creature said in squeaky voice. It reminded me of the one that people put on when mocking others.

"Thank you," I whispered as he placed the tray of food on the desk I was leaning my elbows on. He didn't speak again but backed himself out of the room, bowing. When the door closed behind him, I observed the food he had brought with distaste. Normally I would have eaten hours ago, but food held no temptation for me right now. I pushed the tray away, not caring if the cup spilled or not, and got up from the seat to stand at the large window beside a book case. The knot in my stomach was still wound tightly. I wanted to calm down and ease the tension that was threatening to rip me apart.

I opened the window as wide it would go, letting in the cool night air. Bellow me, the grounds looked so picturesque that my tension eased slightly. I climbed up onto the large sill and sat with my back leaning against the broad stone frame. The wind brought the sounds of the Great Hall up to me. Everyone sounded so happy and merry, celebrating their return from the holidays and seeing old friends again. My small smile disappeared as I pictured the Slytherin table. Would they know by now? Would they have asked why I had not come back from my Sorting? Were my brothers mentally disowning me as I sat there?

I saw how high up I was and thought how fatal it would be if I fell, though I didn't mean that in a suicidal way. No, I would never even contemplate taking my own life for I was clearly not a coward, as I had been placed in Gryffindor. I meant only that I was up very high and probably shouldn't be sitting where I was. Then again, I had always been prone to being rather... lucky, shall we say, when I fell from heights. I had fallen from trees several times when I was a child. A cat, my mother called me. Of course that turned out to be terribly ironic as a few months after making that statement, we actually found out that I was a cat in a way.

I was an anemorphamagus. May sound interesting and exciting, but it's not. It means that I can, in theory; change into any species of cat. The gift varied with different people, but my species was a cat. By cat I mean anything from a house cat to a tiger, not that I had ever been a tiger. But in theory, I could become one at will.

You see, it was exhausting and complex to change into a cat. I did it very, very rarely and had barely ever attempted transforming into anything more than a house cat as it was too draining. And let me tell you, a house cat is more than hard enough. I always felt weak when I did it. When I was little and discovered that I had this talent, my family was relieved, in a way. My parents had been expecting one for a while, as my great-great uncle, who changed to a species of bear, had been one. It runs in families and most pure bloods lines have had quite a few. Though I found it a novelty as a child, I found it harder to maintain my transformations when I got older. I was concerned with other things.

Again, I was dragged from my trivial thoughts by the sounds of a crowd coming from the entrance hall. I knew Albus and possibly Minerva would be coming back soon, yet I couldn't decide if I wanted company at that moment. Alone, I could try and convince myself that everything was going to be fine and I shouldn't be worried, much like I had been doing. However, other people might tell me the truth of the matter and be more realistic.

The sound of the stone staircase reached me, so I resigned myself to get up and wait for those approaching. Albus walked in a few moments later, looked at me kindly and then glanced to the untouched food on his desk.

"Veronica, you must eat," he said, his voice gentle but firm. I also noted his use of my real name.

"I've been thinking," I said ignoring his comment at my failure to eat, "and I've decided that it's not as bad as I initially thought. I mean, it's bad, but I can deal with it. And when I say I, I mean only me, Albus. Not the Order, not you or Minerva, just me on my own. Do you understand?" I asked him.

Albus gave me a long look before he inhaled deeply through his nose. "This is not about the Order, Ronnie. If there were to be any actions taken by either me or Minerva, it would simply be for your welfare, not the Order's. I hope you realize that you are far more to us than a mere spy," he said, looking at me over his half-moon spectacles with an almost sad glint in his normally twinkling eyes.

I nearly smiled at his words. "I know that, Albus. Thank you for caring, but I have to fix this on my own. I just have to get my brothers on my side. Once I've done that, then everything will be fine," I said, though more to myself than to him. "Can you promise me that you won't get involved?" I asked, needing him to agree.

He took a few steps towards me and looked me directly in the eyes. "If you wish me not to involve myself, then of course I will agree, but if at any point you need anything then you know where to find me," Albus said in a voice I found very soothing. "For now, though," he continued, straightening up, "you must get some sleep. I fear there will be a long day for you tomorrow. The prefects from your House are waiting downstairs to show you to your common room."

"Thank you, Albus." We both knew what I meant by those words. "Goodnight," I said to him softly before walking towards the door.

He called after me, eyes twinkling once more, "Ronnie, do make sure that you eat something tomorrow. If you don't, I will know. And although I agreed to not interfere with what ever ingenious plan I am sure you have, I would like to be informed of what happens, for my own peace of mind."

I smiled, nodding at his request before exiting his office by the large door. I stopped near the bottom of the stairs, knowing that as soon as I took the next step the gargoyle would shift and the safety of Albus's office would be gone. I would come face to face with two prefects who would lead me to "my" common room.

_Oh, the wondrous joys my life holds._

_God, you are being so pathetic!_

I took the final steps, mentally scolding myself for being so cowardly. As soon as I stepped off the last step and the gargoyle moved away, I was faced with two people.

The first was a very attractive girl with bright red hair that I had to admire and emerald green eyes that sparked upon seeing me. The other beside her was a fairly attractive boy with sandy hair and very kind golden eyes. Their body language both screamed, "Welcome" but not in a horribly fake way. In a genuine way.

"Hello," said the redhead brightly, clearly happy at the new arrival, me. "My name is Lily Evans and this is Remus Lupin." Lily gestured to the sandy-haired boy beside her.

_Okay, you have three options:_

_1. Be the cold hearted Slytherin bitch you are supposed to be._

_2. Be polite._

_3. Be yourself._

"Veronica Phoenix," I replied politely, settling for number two.

Lily positively beamed at me and Remus also smiled warmly. I saw a brief flash of recognition in his eyes and knew immediately that he recognized my family. However, he appeared open-minded as his smile seemed genuine, and though he was slightly more cautious, he was still very welcoming. I was split on whether his kindness was foolish or a virtue.

Lily beckoned me to follow them and once I obliged, we made our way down a corridor to the right.

"Well done on being in Gryffindor," said Remus after a moment, clearly not liking the silence that was becoming uncomfortable. I gave him a polite smile.

_Well done on being in Gryffindor? Wish my brothers will feel as accepting…_

"So, which school did you go to before Hogwarts?" asked Lily, her eyes still excited but her voice conversational.

"Beauxbatons," I replied. Yes, I was being rather short with them, but I had just been told of that my life would change drastically, so I was entitled to be a bit off. However, Lily was not easily discouraged.

"Beauxbatons? In France?" Lily asked excitedly. She had obviously heard of it.

"Yes, it's near Marseilles."

"Can you speak French?" she asked enthusiastically. I almost smiled as her carefree mood was very up lifting.

"Pretty well." I decided that my answers were too short and that maybe I should at least try and be nice so I gave a slightly warmer smile and elaborated, "Luckily though, a lot of people there spoke English. It's a bilingual school, so I only had to speak French on occasion," I said.

"You must be slightly nervous to be starting a new school. I know I was in first year. Do you know anyone here?" she asked, looking sympathetic to my situation.

"I have some family here," I replied to which she looked confused for a moment before her eyes widened a bit in shock.

"Oh, you – you're related to Troy and Tudor Phoenix?" she asked, her voice slightly hesitant now.

"They are my brothers." I almost laughed at her expression. She looked so surprised. Even though it was slightly comical, I eased her shock by filling the silence and trying to show her that I wasn't offended by her reaction.

"Don't worry, most people are shocked. After all, we all look so different. Even we ourselves have questioned if are actually adopted," I joked.

Her shock wore off and her eyes resumed there brightness once more. "My sister and I are exactly the same. She has dark hair and brown eyes and is the most unmagical person in the world," Lily joked, rolling her eyes dramatically. I realized she was probably Muggleborn. She had not heard about my family, beyond my brothers anyway, and her sister could not do magic. It didn't bother me in the slightest, but my family would be very opposed to me being friends with a Muggleborn and with things the way they were…

I told myself that I would worry about it later as I didn't want to get rid of the only thing that was blocking out the thoughts of my family at that moment.

"What year are you, Veronica?" asked Remus and I was reminded of his presence. I noticed he had a quiet way about him. He was intriguing to me. Not many people slip from my notice.

"Sixth year," I replied.

"Oh, that's great, so are we!" cried Lily happily. She then went on to talk about the curriculum for this year. I saw Remus look at her with an amused expression. He chuckled very softly, shaking his head ever so slightly before turning to me.

"If you need anything, you can come to us. Lily will be in your dormitory so she'll take you straight up if you want," he said, his tone still very kind and warm. Though I could show no outward affection, I was warming to this boy. He seemed genuine to me and that wasn't something you see in most people. Also, I found it a massive comfort that I wouldn't have to hang around a common room full of people offering me welcome and gossipy girls trying to befriend the new girl. I wasn't in the mood for attention right now.

We climbed up several floors before we halted in front of a painting of a fairly large lady in a pink dress.

"Why are we stopping?" I asked.

"This is the Fat Lady. Tell her the password and she'll let you into the common room," Remus explained. "The password varies, but you'll be told when it does."

"Gillyweed," said Lily clearly to the Fat Lady, and she swung open to reveal a noisy yet homely common room.

Everything was red or gold and there was an enormous fire on the far wall surrounded by cushy armchairs and sofas. I loved it, but all I wanted to do was get out of there. As soon as I walked in I noticed a lot of heads turn.

"Oy, Moony," I heard someone shout from by the fireplace. I turned myself very quickly to face Lily to stop that someone from seeing me. I knew that voice even after all these years. I knew who spoke those words. I was far from ready to face him right now.

"Can you show me the dormitory?" I asked Lily. She smiled and nodded, holding my forearm gently to guide me through the common room.

We reached the back and started to climb up one of two staircases. We then came to a door which Lily led us through. Our dorm was surprisingly quite nice. Smaller than the ones at Beauxbatons, it had five beds instead of four but it was... cozy. There were five wardrobes and each four-poster bed had a bedside cabinet. A door led off the room to what I assumed was a bathroom.

My trunk was by the bed on the far side and next to the window. I walked over to it and sat down on the bed, sighing. Lily followed but sat on the bed next to mine, where she began to unpack.

"I think you'll really like it here. It's really great. When I first came here, I remember falling instantly in love with it. The classes are brilliant and most of the teachers are really good at what they do," Lily chattered happily as she put some clothes into a drawer.

I listened to her as she told me about the classes and a bit more about the school. Apparently, what I had heard on the train was true. I was polite but showed little emotion. I wanted to get to know her, but she was a Muggleborn and a Gryffindor. I couldn't bring her into my already complicated life.

Eventually, I excused myself and went to bed. I did this at the right time, it seemed, as some annoying girls walked in the room. My attempt to sleep was useless. I was uneasy and frustrated at the racket they made. I lay there, trying to block them out, but decided that they weren't the reason that I couldn't sleep. If I slept, then tomorrow would come quicker and I really didn't want that.

I felt a flicker of fear when I thought about my father. Maybe he was on his way right now to take me home. What would he do if he did? Would it be like Paris? Would he be angrier with me than he had been with Paris?

Then my thoughts went to something else entirely. I contemplated whether not to see the actions streaming through my head through. I had, after all, wanted to do it for five years and understandably found it impossible as I was in France. And it was completely out of the question at home, but now... now I could.

It would be difficult and probably foolish, but it was a strong desire of mine. At that moment, I felt that it might give me what I needed to get through this year.

I had made up mind. Some way, somehow, I was going to visit my brother. Paris.

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	5. Perseverance

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It was only 11 at night and the other girls were still up. I was also pretty sure the common room would still be teeming with students, excited to be back from their holidays. I had no idea how to get out unseen.

_How will you get to Paris at this rate? _

Well, first things first. I positioned myself so that the chattering girls couldn't see me and slowly pulled out the drawer that held my clothes. Luckily, Lily had her hanging drawn and I assumed she was reading or something so it wouldn't be a problem to get past her. I pulled on my clothes and shoes very quietly. Then I took my wand from the top drawer of my bedside cabinet and pointed it to the window on the far side of the dorm. With a careful flick, it opened violently and became a kind of vacuum sucking great amounts of air through which caused a lot of noise and a few things to rattle.

The girls screamed and tried pathetically to shut it. In this moment, I left the dorm very quickly and headed downstairs to the common room. I paused on the staircase. How on earth was I going to get out of the portrait hole without being seen? How was I going to find the castle exit and get outside without being caught?

_You really haven't thought this through at all._

_But there is no way I am going to give up this early on._

I continued. Halfway down there was a window, albeit not a fairly large one. I approached it almost cautiously, examined it, then tried to pry the wooden frame apart. When I did, I looked down and remembered I was in a tower which was very, very far from solid ground. No, there was no way I was climbing down that. I closed the window angrily and returned to my thinking stance on the narrow staircase.

To be completely honest, I was quite disappointed in myself. Usually it only took me several seconds to come up with a foolproof plan. Well, I suppose climbing down wasn't impossible…

I moved back to the window and had a proper look at the aged wall beneath me. Leaning out slightly, I tried to see if there was any way for me to climb down, not all the way, of course, but to a window a few floors down. I saw an open window, and since the wall was so old, there were a lot of cracks that I could use as footholds. Even though I was very high up, all I had to do was pretend I was only a few feet off the ground. I just couldn't look down. Of course, falling would probably not be good either. I planned to do neither.

I stood there indecisively, biting my lip and glancing around me.

Oh, why the hell not? I was put in the enemy House and now I was traveling all the way to London to see someone who wouldn't even recognize me. I might as well leave the castle in my own way. I could really use the adrenaline kick.

I looked around me to double check no one was coming. Very carefully, I climbed up onto the small window ledge. I looked at the wall one last time to verify my path and cautiously exited it.

Well, no going back now.

Slowly, I moved from dent to dent, praying all the while that I wouldn't slip. The rough brick was starting to hurt my soft hands as I navigated towards the open window below. I couldn't help but smile as I approached it, thinking how lucky I was at times and how climbing hadn't really been as hard as I expected. But of course, I was happy too soon. My smile vanished immediately as I heard people on the other side of the window. Obviously, climbing in wasn't an option anymore, but I really couldn't stay hanging off a wall as my arms and hands were becoming quite painful and my body was getting very cold.

I couldn't see a different window close by. I also couldn't start climbing down as my strength was wavering. I couldn't risk falling from such a height. All I could do was hope that the people inside left soon.

There seemed to be a few boys in the room. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but they seemed excited about something. Through the window, I saw a cabinet whose glass mirror reflected the scene. My curiosity got the better of me and I shimmied down slightly to see the people who prevented me from climbing into the room.

My eyes glimpsed the boy who had showed me to the common room, Remus. Next to him, a black haired boy with glasses seemed to find something very funny. A slightly smaller blonde boy was looking at the bespectacled boy in an admiring way. There was another person, but as I craned my neck to see him, my hand slipped.

Panic hit me hard for a second as my left hand all but threw itself at a very jagged rock. I bit hard on my lip as the rock ripped through my skin. There was a moment of stinging pain. My hand was even whiter than normal. In the midst of the inhuman white was a lot of very bright scarlet.

The cut was deep and the blood was pouring out rather quickly, dripping down my wrist. Of course, I only had a few seconds to observe this as I had to immediately put my hand back into its place on the stone wall in front of me as my other hand alone couldn't support my weight. It was really painful as my hand refused to grip, but I had to make it clutch at the rock if I didn't want to fall. I rested my head against the cool wall and tried very hard to block out the pain, knowing if I let it get to me, I would get dizzy: the last thing I needed right then.

In my panic, I failed to notice the silence that had befallen on the previously occupied room. When I did, I let out a quick sigh of relief and opened the window (with some difficulty might I add) and climbed through it. The room was an old abandoned classroom. In front of the window was a desk which I climbed onto.

I sat on the dusty surface for a few moments, composing myself and letting my body rest as it was much drained. Pulling out my wand, I examined the cut on my left hand. The entire palm was coated in drying blood and the sleeve of my dress was soaked in it. It wasn't particularly painful, but as soon as my wand met the skin I winced at how tender it was. I used a spell to get rid of the blood on both my clothing and skin, then proceeded to mend the gash that caused the blood to escape. Luckily for me, I was fortunate enough to be very good friends with a girl who planned to be a healer. I knew enough to heal minor cuts and swelling.

When I had finished cleaning myself up, I looked more carefully at my surroundings. Most of the room was covered in darkness as the only light available was that from the bright moon behind me. I could make out the silhouette of the door on the far corner and decided that it would be best to go to it rather quickly. I didn't like darkness; therefore, I wasn't too keen on staying here. I got up, but as I did, I saw something move in the shadows. Instantly, I drew my wand, aiming it at the spot I saw something in.

"Don't," I heard a quiet voice say from the corner. A boy made his way out of the shadows looking cautious, fearful, and also slightly guilty. I remembered him to be the blonde boy from before and my mind immediately wondered why on earth he was in a dark room on his own.

"You shouldn't lurk in darkness like a weird stalker," I snapped, very mad that this boy had been watching me all this time and also rather cross with myself for not noticing him. "Your name?" I asked, still with my wand pointed at him.

"Peter Pettigrew, and I didn't mean to sneak. I just didn't want to startle you," he replied. His words seemed sincere and I saw no lie in his eyes. However, there was still an edginess to him that made me suspicious. But I really didn't have time for this. He and his friends had wasted far too much of my time as it was.

"Listen to me. Tell no one I was here. Do you understand?" I asked him impatiently.

He nodded his head at me and I left the room without looking back. What a very odd boy he was. When I was out of the classroom, I realized that I had no idea where I was, only that I was somewhere in a castle with moving staircases, ghosts, poltergeists, and of course an insane caretaker that patrolled at night.

_Faaaaaantastic._

The hallway I was in was very dark so I had to light my wand. As soon as I did, paintings grumbled in protest. I wasn't really paying head to their words, as in my head, there was a raging battle.

_Left or right? _

I glanced in each direction several times before coming to a personal agreement with myself. Since my left hand was injured, I would go right. Silly, I know, but I had no Galleon to flip so I had to make do. As I started walking, I found myself going down hall after hall until I came to the staircases. I was about four floors up and I needed to be on ground level, but I couldn't see a way down. These staircases, unlike normal ones, didn't lead to each other. Instead, they led to corridors and God knows where those went.

I watched as some of the staircases lower down shifted and thought about what the hell I was going to do. I couldn't go back even if I wanted to. I had no clue where to go and, for all I know, the password could have changed. In fact, I don't think I even recalled what it was. And, of course, amongst my frustration was the ever present threat of being caught out of bed after hours. Not something that I desired on my first day, no actually, first few hours of being at Hogwarts.

_Well done Ronnie, well done!_ I thought to myself, getting ever more irritated with my predicament. I continued to mentally scold myself for my stupidity and impulsiveness as I started walking, again, through corridors, down stairs, and even through some tapestries. As I rounded what felt like my millionth corner, I was stopped in my tracks by a rather unexpected sight. Standing in front of me was a pearly white transparent ghost. It was a man that looked slightly middle aged. Judging by his clothes, he was from around the sixteen hundreds.

"Well, hello there," the ghost said.

"Good evening," I replied politely. A pleasant smile played on my lips as I looked back at him. He seemed rather taken aback by my reaction at not being anxious at being caught at this hour so he raised a fluffy transparent eyebrow at me.

"You know you really shouldn't be out of bed after hours," the ghost remarked sternly.

"I'm not. What I mean is, I have permission to be out of bed," I said convincingly. "I'm meeting the gamekeeper Hagrid to help him with something. Only I just started here today and Hagrid unfortunately forgot to tell me how to exit the castle. Perhaps you could help me?" I said very convincingly and of course politely.

"I suppose I cannot leave you lost," he said smiling very warmly at me. For a ghost, that is.

"However, I am afraid I cannot come with you as I have a prior engagement. But luckily you are only a staircase away, my dear. Carry on down this hall and take a right at the end, then continue down the corridor and you will come across a staircase which will lead you directly into the entrance hall."

I listened to his instructions and smiled. "Thank you so much. I hope you enjoy your prior engagement," I said warmly. I let my ice princess act fall as, after all, he was a ghost and had just saved me from suicide!

I went very quickly down the corridor, sighing in relief of being able to actually get out of this godforsaken castle. But my relief was short lived as I heard someone ahead of me.

_Oh, this is a joke! The entrance hall is like two feet in front of me for the love of Merlin! Ah, this is beyond annoying_!

There was a man up ahead who was mumbling to his cat in a wheezy voice. Very quickly, I hid behind a statue of someone or other and had pulled out my wand.

I didn't think he had seen me but I couldn't be sure. My heart sank as I heard him walk my way. There was nowhere for me to go. I couldn't walk back, as he would definitely see me; I couldn't go around the statue, as it was against the wall. I was pulled out of my hesitance, however, as a rather loud bang issued from the Great Hall which was in plain view from where I stood. The man started hissing and ran towards the hall. I took this opportunity to very quickly descend the stairs and sneak to the front door which was flanked by two suites of armor. I hid behind one, knowing it was no use to try and open the door until I was alone.

I heard the man yelling in the Hall and then storm out, muttering about someone called Peeves.

The second he was gone, I came out from behind the suite of armor and started muttering as many countercurses and unlocking charms as I could think of. Nothing worked, not that I really expected it to. But at least I tried.

After about ten minutes, I stomped by foot in frustration and nearly screamed.

Well, I definitely wasn't getting out this way. There had to be another way out! I tapped my foot impatiently, looking around the entrance hall for any sign of an escape.

I vaguely remembered Troy mentioning a boat dock that lead into a room under the entrance hall. On a whim I decided that I may as well have a look, so I began to work my way around the entrance hall, opening every door I came to. There were mainly empty broom closets, but the sixth and last door I opened led to a staircase.

It smelled damp. If there was a dock, of which I wasn't certain, then this staircase might lead me down to it. But if there was no dock, then God knows what was down those steps. Even if there was a dock, what was I planning on doing, swimming my way across the lake? Assuming I could actually get out of the dock in the first place. Again, I sighed in exasperation before deciding that I might as well go have a look at what was down there. Even if it didn't work out, then I was no worse off than I was before I went down.

Just as I put one foot forward I froze. I felt someone's eyes on me. In a split second, I turned my body to face the large room and look for the unknown presence, but I didn't have to look far.

Because there he was, standing on the staircase, leaning casually on the banister with a small smile on his lips.

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Sirius Black.


	6. The Beginning Of My Downfall

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Sirius Black and I went back a while. I had known him since the age of five; I was tutored with him. We had been friends. Close friends. In fact, we had been virtually inseparable. However, I hadn't seen him since we both left for different schools. Since then, a lot had changed for both of us. You see, Sirius may carry the name Black but he was a blood traitor through and through. He was sorted into Gryffindor at Hogwarts and had eventually run away from his family. I had known I would see him, but now that I had, it was different.

There was silence for a few moments as I was completely shocked. I kept my cold expression of indifference, though I couldn't stop myself from letting my eyes wander the face of my old friend. Sirius, it seemed, was no longer the little boy I remembered. He had grown very handsome over the years; his hair was a very dark brown, almost black, that fell with a casual elegance into his stormy grey eyes that I had always been very fond of. He was much taller now at about six foot and his body I noticed (much to my annoyance) was quite toned. Yes, Sirius Black was indeed quite attractive.

"How long have you been standing there?" I asked in a toneless voice. I didn't want to do this…

"A while," Sirius replied, still smiling.

"A while?" I repeated, an iciness creeping into my empty voice.

Sirius, though, ignored my tone or just didn't notice it. He moved forward. "You never told me you'd be coming to Hogwarts."

"I didn't know I was required to. After all we haven't spoken in quite a while, Black." My voice was all out cold now and I knew the use of his last name would hurt. I really, really didn't want to do this. but I had no choice. This was for him as much as it was for me. I couldn't associate with Sirius; to befriend a blood traitor would confirm my betrayal in the eyes of my family. At the same time, I couldn't bring myself to drag Sirius into this. After all, he had gotten out. He was away from it now and I could never bring myself to be responsible for endangering him. Yet even though I knew that I was doing this for our own good, it didn't make it any easier.

He observed me for a moment with a confused look in his eyes. "Ron, why are you being like this?" he asked softly.

"Being like what? You're the one that randomly decided you would jump out and question me. What, were you expecting me to faint from joy?" I knew I was being slightly cruel but it had to be believable because, as I said, it had to be done.

Sirius looked at me searchingly for longer than I would have liked. "Why are you trying to get out the castle?"

His question took me slightly by surprise. His tone, though not harsh or cold, was not as warm as previously and his stance had changed also. Perhaps this wouldn't be as difficult as I first thought.

"That, Black, is none of your business. Now if you wouldn't mind..." I said and turned away from the door and towards the staircase. But when I tried to pass Sirius, he gently took hold of my upper arm.

"Where are you going?" he asked, a note of suspicion in his tone.

"Again, not that it concerns you, but I'm going to bed," I replied coldly.

"I thought you wanted out of the castle?" he questioned. Before I could reply, he carried on. "I can show you a way out."

Naturally, I was very cautious. "And why would you do that?" I questioned suspiciously.

After giving me yet another long look, he shrugged and let go of my arm. "Suit yourself," he remarked shortly and walked towards the staircase. He was halfway up before I forced myself to give in.

"Black!" I called and went up to meet him. "Fine," I said, irritated beyond belied that I was giving into him. But I wanted to get out of the castle and I knew he would help me.

"Firstly, my name is Sirius... So fine, what?" he asked, eyebrow raised and his voice taunting.

I really hated when people did this to me. He was going to make me ask nicely for it. "Sirius, please can you show me a safe exit from the castle?" I asked with a sweet sarcastic tone to my voice.

He gave me a satisfied smirk that made me want to slap him and held out his hand in an 'after you' gesture. I shot a glare at him before walking forwards. He eventually fell into step with me.

"You should have told me you were coming," Sirius said to me quietly after a few minutes of silence.

"We haven't spoken in years, Black. What did you expect, a post card saying 'see you soon'?" I replied.

"Ron, you can't do this!" he said abruptly. "You can't show up and act all obedient and pureblood, not with me, Ron. It isn't fair!" he yelled at me, bringing us to a halt.

I was shocked. Sirius had always had a temper but never with me. I always soothed it; he was never mad at me. Then again, we weren't children anymore and I supposed this is what happened. We grew up, changed. Though there was still an obvious attachment, it wasn't very strong. I felt a mild disappointment at this for some reason. Also, I was ashamed to admit how much it hurt to see him look at me with such a severe anger in his eyes.

"Fair! Fair?! Do you really want to start me on fair, Black?!"

When I said his surname, the anger in his eyes left and was replaced with something much, much worse. Something I never wanted to see there. His stormy eyes looked at me coldly for a moment, and their gaze froze me to the core.

"You haven't contacted me in years, Ron! Your turn up here, at a school I attend, unannounced! And then the second I talk to you, you go all perfect pureblood on me! Is that fair? No, none of this is fair! You can't be cold with me, Ronnie, because that is definitely unfair." As he yelled, the cold anger faded and there was a hurt in his eyes that made my chest tighten. But his words were unjust and I couldn't let it lie.

"You know, Black, you haven't made contact in the past year either. I am not being anything, least of all unfair," I replied in a voice of hard indifference.

"You are just like them," he whispered, shaking his head with narrowed eyes. "I always thought you wouldn't turn out like your family. I thought you were different. All those things you told me about blood -- I thought there was no way you would ever give in to them. I never thought you were this weak," he spat.

His words hurt; they really did, but they also enraged me. How dare he! How dare he say those things to me!

Does he have the first idea about me? No.

Does he know what has happened to me? No.

Does he know the lengths I've gone to in order to stop this? No.

And weak? Weak?! I am not weak, far from it!

I felt a surge of strong anger towards him; it ripped through me like wild fire. I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself, but they weren't really having the desired effect.

"You're judging me? You, of all people, call me weak and pretend I'm some kind of treacherous snake? Sirius, this is the first time we have seen or spoken to each other in over five years, and you're judging me!" I said in a harsh whisper, not wanting to raise my voice for fear of screaming at him. But I did want to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the pain he judged me for.

"For some reason, you think you're better than me. God, you are so wrong. You act like you're some kind of hero for running out on your problems. You think you're so much better than me because you were placed in Gryffindor. But we both know what really lies beneath the carefree attitude, don't we, Sirius? Just like when we were children. Do you remember?" I said, my voice a taunting edge to it. His cold look still remained. "Perhaps you need reminding then. What was it you called them again? Oh yes, half-breeds and Mudbloods. You'd act all superior to everyone and look down on them; I was the one that helped you! I was the one that told you the right way to live! So how dare you stand there and question my morals when I created yours!" I continued maliciously. I saw the hurt flash through his eyes like lightening and for a second, I felt a twisted satisfaction at the pain I created.

Sirius gave me an indecipherable stare and then moved forward so that he was so close that his breath tickled my face. I looked into his eyes with a look I can only hope matched his own.

"You are a pathetic, weak coward. And one day, you will realize the mistake you're making," Sirius whispered to me evenly. The unreadable expression on his face was gone, replaced with a look of anger and contempt. He stared into my eyes with such intensity it scared me. For the first time in my life, I was afraid of Sirius Black. After what felt like hours, he turned and walked away from me, leaving me standing there speechless and slightly hurt.

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	7. Defiance

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When I woke up, I felt tired and unsettled. I hadn't had much sleep at all the previous night; I'd just tossed and turned, worrying about the day to come.

When Sirius left me, it was early morning and I didn't have enough time left to see my brother. Also, I thought that if I postponed the visit for a while until I knew the castle and my surroundings better, it would be far easier to get out. I put my misjudgment of the previous night down to the stress of my sorting.

It didn't help that the entire night whilst I tried to sleep all I could hear was Sirius's voice ringing through my head and images of my brothers flashing before me. Then, every time I dropped off, I was cursed with terribly vivid nightmares of Paris being tortured. I just couldn't seem to focus on anything other than the dire situation I had found myself in.

The most immediate problem, of course, was my brothers. Obviously, I hadn't seen them yet, and that definitely wasn't something I was looking forward to. I knew Troy would be beyond angry. Usually when Troy got mad at me (which was quite often), it never really worried me. Firstly, I had become accustomed to his temper, so it had lost its intimidation a long time ago. Secondly, I knew that Troy would never actually hurt me because Tudor would never allow it. You see, at home, though my parents were aware of a tension between me and my brother, they didn't really know the extent to which it reached. However, Tudor did and he also knew full well what Troy was like and how he dealt with problems. Tudor, as I have said, feels some... responsibility for me, so would never allow Troy to hurt me. But this time, I can envision Tudor being just as mad, which I would have no idea how to deal with. Yes, I have seen him mad before, but never at me. If he had been, our relationship would have been quite different.

I tried to shake my fears out of my head as I walked to the bathroom and stepped into the shower. I felt disappointed when the hot water didn't soothe me. Eventually, I got out of the shower and wrapped the towel around my wet body, then winced when I knocked my bruised hand. The cut was still very visible; it was not too painful, but all around was a lot of bruising. For some reason, I very rarely tore my skin, but I bruised it easily. Goodness knows how on earth I was going to hide my hand. Perhaps I should go to the school nurse... no, she'll ask questions.

My roommates had begun to wake up in the dorm. With a roll of my eyes, I decided that I was far too troubled and tired for formalities, so I opted to quickly go behind a screen where I could change into my wretched uniform, which I hated. My Beauxbatons one had been comfortable and perfectly suited to the French weather. As a plus, the light blue had suited me quite well. However, the Hogwarts one... was different. It was just the way it looked on me; I was so naturally pale that the horrible dark grey seemed to make me look almost ill. My hair was an odd metallic gold and, in fairness, did clash with most colors, but it seemed to clash even more with the grey. On top of that, the uniform was too tight. Though I didn't wear baggy clothing, my clothes generally suited my body shape, whereas the uniform did not.

I sighed heavily, walked to one of the mirrors, and narrowed my eyes at my reflection. It was not that I hated the way I looked; actually, I found no fault with myself. My features irritated me because they reminded me of where I came from. My skin, lips, and nose were my mothers; my eyes, my fathers. The only feature that was my own was my hair, and even Troy's hair color was similar. Every feature came from a member of my family, be it immediate or distant. I could place where I inherited each part of me. Yet the oddest thing was that when you looked at me, I looked nothing like any of them. You see, since I had so many unique features, they clashed with each other, giving me a look that no one else in my family had. But when _I _looked in the mirror, all I could do was pick up on how a certain part of me resembled a family member's. I suppose that we all see ourselves differently.

I used a very minimal amount of power around my eyes where the skin was marginally darker than the rest of my face, then put mascara on my practically non-existent eyelashes (inherited from my father).

It wasn't that I was vain, but I was always very conscious of my appearance. That was just how I was raised. My mother set a lot on outward appearance as that, according to her, was what really made first impressions.

As I walked out of the bathroom, I tied my hair up into a messy bun as I always did; my hair was too long to wear down every day. I didn't have the energy to sort it out every morning. When I wore it down, it had to be straight because I wasn't a fan of my (yet again) inherited curls. When I looked up, I saw Lily standing by the doorway, fully clothed and holding two bags. I was very startled to see the time and realized that I must have dwelled on my thoughts for far too long.

"You weren't at breakfast so I got you some toast and picked up your timetable," Lily said brightly, her eyes shining just like they had the previous night. She motioned to a napkin covered pile in her hand that I assumed to be the toast. As though on reflex I assessed her, but was very confused with what I gained. Most people, myself probably included, would be very curious as to why exactly I didn't attend breakfast, or why I was being so aloof. However, Lily was an exception, it seemed. Not only did she not ask if I was all right, but I saw no hint of confusion or suspicion in her emerald eyes. Also, she had clearly gone out of her way to be helpful and kind. I was both intrigued and slightly cautious. This was not normal behavior.

After a moment, I settled on giving her a smile as I sat down on the edge of my bed. Lily seemed very satisfied with my smile and copied my motion, handing me my timetable whilst she unwrapped the napkin. I looked at my timetable, naturally curious to see what my new school schedule would be. I had Charms first with the Slytherins, then Care of Magical Creatures with the Hufflepuffs, DADA also with the Hufflepuffs, Double Potions with the Ravenclaws, and to finish off the day History of Magic with the Gryffindors alone. The day didn't appear too bad to me as I only had one lesson with the Slytherin.

I looked back up at Lily who handed me a piece of buttered toast. "Thank you, Lily," I said sincerely. I saw no reason not to be kind to her.

"You're welcome," she replied, her voice still unusually bright for this time in the morning. "I know it must be hard to have to start at a new school. Also, I thought maybe we could walk down to Charms together." Lily still had no hint of anything but kindness in her eyes, though there was an added hope.

And yet I hesitated; though Lily seemed lovely, she was a Muggleborn. I couldn't befriend a Muggleborn for exactly the same reason I couldn't befriend blood traitors. In the eyes of my family, to be friendly with anyone other than a pureblood who had the "right views" was unacceptable. Considering my position, I was in no fit state to be taking risks. There was also another problem on my mind at the thought of going to Charms: that would require me leaving the safety of the tower. Going out and facing my brothers. But I supposed I would have to do it sooner or later and there no point on dreading the inevitable. Even though I wasn't too sure on getting close to Lily, I had no idea where I was going. After all, she was a prefect, so I could just say that she was showing me my way around the castle...

I turned around to face Lily, swallowing the toast I had been nibbling. "Well, we best be off then. Judging by the size of this school, it will take us half an hour to get there," I joked lightly. Lily's already bright eyes twinkled slightly at me and she grinned. We got up and began to walk towards the staircase.

Lily spoke to me about how she found it when she first came to Hogwarts and how shocked she had been at the size, but then she went on to tell me she had gotten used to it and that I would too.

As we walked through the fairly empty common room, she started telling me about rules. I couldn't help but smile at the way she obviously upheld them. I wasn't as good as company as I would have liked, because the entire walk to Charms I was on edge, expecting to see someone I knew, or worse, bump into a brother.

We turned a corner and started down the corridor Lily said was the one where the classroom was. I had only gone a few steps when someone stepped out in front of us, seemingly materializing from thin air.

To some, it may appear that I overthink things, that I worry and fret over small things that may not come to pass. But those people are mistaken. I am quite rational, practical, and would not trouble myself over things that I did not consider either inevitable or at least extremely likely. So you see, my concerns are not futile. I was once again proven correct in my evaluation as I looked up into the face of Troy.

"I think it's about time you and I had a little chat, Veronica," Troy said to me, and though his tone was almost careless, his voice itself held intensity and his eyes a fire that I was not happy to see.

_Yep, he's going to kill me._

"Lily, you go on ahead? I will follow shortly," I said formally yet politely, but before she could reply, my oh so lovely brother was pulling me back the way we came, which I must say was hurting quite a bit.

_At least he isn't grabbing my left hand._

We turned down an empty corridor and I felt the cold hard rock of the wall slam against my fragile spine and bruise my skin. Troy glared at me.

"Gryffindor," he spat, the fire in his eyes growing. I wasn't shocked that he had hurt me or that he was so angry. I had expected it, for violence was second nature to Troy when his anger got the heights it had apparently reached.

"Good morning, Troy," I said coldly. Stubbornness prevented me from giving in to his anger. Apparently, Troy was far too angry with me to even hear my comment, let alone respond.

"You always were a blood traitor. But Gryffindor?! How dare you embarrass the family this way?" he hissed. As always, Troy stirred up a defiant anger in me that I did not try to suppress.

"Firstly, if you were so sure I was a blood traitor, then why the shock? And secondly, I have no need to embarrass you, brother, for you do that entirely on your own. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a class to get to," I said acidly and tried to get past him. The second his hand wrapped around my upper arm, I mentally scolded my stupidity at trying to leave. Troy practically threw me back against the wall. Since he did it with added force, not only did I bash my back, but my head also smacked on the bricks, making me give an involuntary gasp. It took me a few moments to reopen my eyes, for my head had hit pretty hard.

"It's high time you learned obedience, Veronica. You need to start having respect," Troy said through gritted teeth. Even though my head hurt, the tone of his voice still angered me and the words slipped from my mouth before I could stop them.

"Respect for _you_, the family whore?" I spat defiantly. The second the last word rolled off my tongue, his eyes set alight and his hand wrapped around my throat with such force that my feet actually left the ground. His iron grip cut off my air supply and though I struggled, he showed no sign of letting up. I panicked when my head started to feel very full and I lost my peripheral vision. Then he dropped me. I fell on the floor, gasping for breath and closing my eyes to prevent me from passing out.

When I opened my eyes again, I saw Tudor speaking heatedly to Troy. I couldn't make out their words, as my ears had gone slightly funny. They carried on for quite a while whilst I composed myself enough to stand up, even though my hands were unsteady. As I got off the floor and leaned against the wall, I saw Troy storming off and Tudor watching after him, displeased.

I watched Troy's retreating back until it went from my sight and then turned to face my other brother. Though the temples of my head were pounding very painfully, I had to try and ignore it the best I could. Now I needed to be very convincing.

Tudor looked at me. Just looked. I can't possible describe what his eyes held, for it appeared to be nothing. No anger, nor coldness, nor indifference, just nothing. Empty, soulless. It scared me beyond belief.

I wanted to leave, walk away, run if I had to, and just get away from him. And yet I couldn't. I had to face him. I had to stand in agony and show no emotion, show no weakness. I couldn't back down and I couldn't run. This was it for me. This is what I chose all those years ago, this is what I chose when I betrayed my family and this is what I chose when the hat gave me a decision and I gave no answer. So I looked my brother straight in the eyes and he saw my mask. He saw what I wanted him to see. They all did.

"Did you provoke him?" Tudor asked waspishly. His question didn't shock me, for I had learned not to expect anything from Tudor.

"Troy needs no provocation, Tudor." My voice was hoarse from my throat still being so sore.

His eyes flashed with an emotion too quick for me to catch. "I think being placed into Gryffindor was provocation enough, Veronica." Tudor's voice was cold, very cold...

"Tudor, I had no control over th--"

"--Of course you had control," he cut in. "Cut in" seemed very fitting, for his voice was like a blade. "That hat can see to the deepest darkest depths of your very being, and when it looked into you, it made the decision to place you in Gryffindor. It saw things in you that for some reason caused it to place you with Mudbloods and blood traitors. You had control, Veronica, you had control over yourself and your feelings, yet still you're in Gryffindor." His eyes had narrowed now and were almost completely black.

"If I had control, do you honestly believe I would choose to be in the House I was placed? Do you honestly believe that, Tudor?" I questioned disbelievingly.

"I don't know what to believe with you." Tudor held himself like a statue. His mouth barely moved and his eyes bore such coldness there was a chill. But there was an underlining of another emotion in his dark eyes, an emotion not strong enough to place, but definitely there.

"Still, you look at me with defiance?" he mused darkly.

"If I am defiant, brother, then I have reason. Troy has taken to strangling me and you apparently are starting to believe his lies of me a being a traitor. What would you have me do? Stand and take you unfair judgment? This is not my fault. Contrary to what you believe, brother, this was beyond my control," I whispered, my voice indifferent. He listened and seemed calmer for a moment before he froze up again. Only this time, there was a barely detectable anger in his eyes. My inner strength was replaced by a panic.

"You act very well, sister, but you forget that that particular talent was inherited." Tudor raised an eyebrow slightly, telling me silently that he had the same trait. "I will forgive this, as you are my sister and I am your brother. Therefore, I shall not dismiss you."

Dismiss me? I almost glared at him but caught myself.

"I shall place no punishment, as it will be dealt with at home. But you will not step out of line again, Veronica, nor will you start respecting the wrong people. Do you understand?" he asked forcefully.

I kept my appearance indifferent, but inside I felt an anger that I rarely felt towards Tudor. I did not like him ordering me around in the way he was doing now, but I had to let it be.

"Of course, Tudor. When we meet again with Mother and Father, I will present my apologies to them for any embarrassment I may have caused. They will do what they see fit and I will respect their decision as I always have done in the past. As for me respecting the wrong people, I must say I am somewhat disappointed that you would think that of me. I have never given you, or anyone else for that matter, a reason to doubt my loyalties. I, brother, know who I am. My loyalties are quite in place, I assure you." My voice held the perfect balance of sincerity and indifference. I had to be convincing, but I didn't want it to seem like I was trying too hard.

Tudor gave me a very long look during which he showed no emotion. Then he did something odd. He very gently tucked a fallen curl behind my ear and spoke in an almost kind voice, "They had better be."

With that, he left me. I watched him walk away, feeling far more confused than when I first came down this corridor.

**Review xxxxx**


	8. Trapped

**Enjoy!**

My eyes stared down the corridor even after my brother had left it. I didn't really know what to do with myself. I was, I must say, more confused than ever before.

Tudor had reacted in a way that, yet again, made me question him. I often wondered if he knew the effect his actions had and purposefully acted in this unpredictable way just to have the satisfaction of causing confusion and fear.

I exhaled deeply, leaning back against the wall. It was only once my back hit the surface that I realized just how much my body ached.

My neck felt compressed and my voice was still raspy from Troy's iron grip. My back hurt immensely, especially when I tried to move, which told me I had twisted the muscles quite badly. I could tell without even looking that small scratches probably decorated my back. And my head! Luckily for me, I had tied my hair up in a bun which had cushioned the blow, but all the same, I knew I had a bump. My head felt like it had been smashed into a concrete boulder. Basically, I wasn't in the best shape. I had to find somewhere to get myself together before I could even contemplate going to class.

I scanned the corridor. To my immense relief, I noticed a bathroom on the far end. I moved towards it with some difficulty. Once inside, I checked whether I was alone before proceeding to the mirrors by the sinks. I looked better than I felt, but my appearance was still terrible. Half my hair had fallen from its place when I hit the wall. My shirt was messed up and mildly stretched. My neck was very red and I realized that it would bruise badly. I gave yet another deep sigh as I mentally ran through different ways to conceal it. None of my ideas would be very effective.

I took out my wand and cast a simple spell that would clear my back of any minor scratches. Unfortunately, my healing talents were no better than basic, so I knew no way to expel bruising. I could have gone to the hospital wing, but there would have been too many questions. I'm not sure that the nurse would have been able to do much, anyway.

I stood, tapping my wand on the sink, thinking about what to do. I decided that I would just have to conceal the damage and deal with the pain. After all, there were no serious injuries and my bruising would eventually clear up. For the next few days, I could just hide it with make up. As for my back pain... well, I hoped that would disappear on its own.

Unfortunately, though, I had no make-up with me and didn't know my way back to the tower yet. I was left with the big problem of my neck being very visible. Even after only a few minutes, the blue-purple bruise had begun to form. I gritted my teeth and reluctantly took my hair down. The curls fell, covering my neck, and I took some pins and pinned back some of my hair so that I wouldn't have to deal with it getting in my way. I fixed my clothing and sorted the collar of my white shirt so that it covered most of my neck. Once finished, I was satisfied to see that there were no traces of me having any physical injuries.

My gaze was caught by a movement in the mirror. I snapped my head around and very nearly winced at the pain that shot through my back. My hand was on my wand instinctively, but then my eyes found Lily. Apparently, Ms. Evans was not unaware of my action, as she frowned when I placed my hand back at my side. But again, she didn't say anything.

"You didn't come back. I just wanted to make sure you weren't lost or anything," Lily said, her voice slightly hesitant. I could see questions swimming in her eyes.

"Thank you, Lily. But I am not lost; my conversation with my brother went on a while," I explained casually. Lily was about to speak but instead gasped as she saw my hand that rested on the edge of the porcelain bowl. Mentally I screamed at myself for my stupidity. How many mistakes can I possibly make in one day!

"Don't worry. I did it yesterday on my way to the Sorting. I bashed it against the wall. Unfortunately for me, the castle walls aren't particularly smooth. It looks worse than it is, trust me. I can barely feel it anymore. McGonagall healed it pretty well," I reassured her, my voice still light with a carefree undertone. My happy attitude was not easy to maintain with a back that was in agony, let me tell you.

She seemed unconvinced by my explanation and I was very taken aback. My estimation of Lily Evans, though correct, was narrow. It seemed she was not just the welcoming, kind authority figure I first took her for, because she questioned things. Lily had a natural suspicion and my respects for her increased, for people with a natural suspicion are not foolish. They do not hand out trust and love on a whim and are not naïve. Although I had a new respect for Lily, I also had to take into account that a friend that questioned things would not be good for me.

"Lily, I'm fine. Just go back to class. I'll be there in a minute." I smiled warmly. To some, this may seem out of character for me, but I am different with everyone so don't expect a clear definition of my social skills anytime soon.

"No, it's all right. I'll wait and make sure you get there okay." Lily was trying to be nice and helpful, but I really didn't feel up to being in a room full of Slytherins at that moment.

"Lily, I appreciate you being so nice to me, really I do. Thank you for being so concerned. But to be honest, I'm not feeling too great at the moment and I don't think I'm really up to being in a room full of flying objects. I think I just need to get a little bit of air but I promise I'll see you in the next class, okay?" I said. I did feel a slight guilt at telling her this, as I knew she was a prefect who stuck to the rules. Rules I was very obviously breaking.

Lily bit her lip very briefly but then I saw something I hadn't expected from her. Her emerald eyes softened and she gave me an understanding look. "I'll tell Professor Flitwick that you didn't feel very well," she said kindly, "but you better be in the next class," she finished mock sternly. I found myself, yet again, smiling at her but it wasn't put on like the others were.

"I promise," I vowed. Lily left, and I scolded myself again. What the hell was I doing, making friends with a Muggleborn? It wasn't fair to her to bring her into this mess. But in my defense, she was making it difficult for me to distance myself.

After glancing back at the mirror just to double check that I looked halfway decent, I picked up my bag and gritted my teeth when the pain appeared again. Ignoring it the best I could, I exited the bathroom and made my way towards the grounds. What I said to Lily was marginally true, for I didn't feel well and I did need some air. Considering my next class was Herbology, it was convenient to be outside. I thought back to what Lily had told me of the school's layout and remembered I was on the third floor. She had also mentioned how to get to the Great Hall, so I recalled our conversation and followed her instructions.

Luckily, the halls were empty. I could not deal with obnoxious teachers deducting points and lecturing me on truancy right now. I surprised myself with how quickly I found the entrance hall. As I walked outside, I was then further pleased to see that the day was quite pleasant, considering it was September in the Scottish highlands. The sun was out and the breeze was mild. Everything was still green. As I looked around, I realized that this would be the one of the last days of sun we had this year. From here on in, things would get darker.

The pain was bearable now. I decided to go over to the lake and sit down on a large rock in a hidden place at the edge of the forest. I felt myself relax when I got the opportunity to breathe fresh air. I wasn't particularly a nature girl and I didn't feel more at home outside than I did in, but I did fully appreciate these small moments where I could be alone with my thoughts. Unfortunately, the downside of that was that my thoughts evolved around my surrounding problems.

I knew when I first found out that I would be coming to Hogwarts that it was going to be a lot harder to maintain my act. Even though I still had full confidence that I could, I couldn't stop dread from filling me. I knew myself capable of what I had to do, but it would still test me. I had never had to hold my mask in place this long. I wouldn't get breaks as I did at Beauxbatons where I could drop the mask and relax. No, here it would have to be constantly in place. I was worried not only how hard that would be, but also how it would affect me.

I was slightly angry. I didn't know what I believed in, in terms of a higher power and all that, but I did think that there was something. And whatever that something was, it had a very sick sense of humor. I mean, for the love of humanity, if you are going to create something like my father, then have the mercy to make him infertile. Or better yet, give him a conscience and make him capable of guilt.

That was one of the things that bothered me more than anything about my life: the fact I could never ever escape my parents, even if they were both to drop dead that very second. I could change my name, I could change my eyes, my hair, my skin color, and every other aspect of my appearance, maybe I could even change my characteristics... but the one thing I would never ever be able to change was my family. I was born to my mother and my father and I will live as their daughter and die as their daughter. I can never change that, no matter what I do. And no amount of tears or screaming can alter the concrete fact that my family is my family. They will always be a part of me. This is what kept me up at night; this is what made me angry at my creator. From the day I was born, I was trapped.

I had run out of choices. No, that was wrong. There was one choice left, I suppose: running away. However, the outcomes were not an option, in my opinion, for two reasons. If I left, then it was within my father's legal rights to bring me straight back. Reason number two, and also more probable outcome of the two, if I ran he would find me, then kill me for my outright defiance and disrespect. You all know what he did to Paris, who was his first born son. In my world, this is a very important position in the family. I, however, am only a daughter and the youngest child at that.

Another choice was to go to Dumbledore and say that I wasn't doing it anymore. I knew Albus would not disagree with me, but respect my decision. I knew also that no one in the Order would think less of me. But again, I knew the outcome, and it wasn't one that I could live with. If I left the Order, that would mean cutting off all contact with my uncle and any other members.

I would have a problem when I returned for the holidays, for I hadn't the slightest idea what might happen to me. I didn't know how my father would react to this situation. My return, however dreaded, was inevitable; I would have to go back, for as I have said, I cannot run. Let's say that he lets it lie, let's say he forgives me. Then I would be faced with a problem I don't think I could live with: getting married to a man they choose for me, giving them grandchildren, bringing innocent lives into the corruption I was too weak to escape. To some people, this may seem an option, but to me, it was impossible. I could never live the rest of my life pretending. I could never look my family in the eyes knowing what they have done. I could never willingly be a part of it. Eventually, I think I would break. I know I would break.

So I was left with one option. I had to carry on the way I was, didn't I? The only thing I could do was play my role as long as I had to, so that in the end, I would be free of them. Give the Order the information they needed so that the end happened faster. But every single time I breathed, the guilt killed me. I was bringing down my family, I was betraying them, but I had no choice. I had run out of choices, left with this path. So that is why I was so angry. Because when dealt, my hand in life was beyond unfair. It was unfair to trap a mere child in a life no one should have.

My eyes had closed sometime ago as I went through my thoughts, and I almost jumped when I distantly heard the bells ringing in the castle near me, signaling the end of the first class. The previously quiet castle and grounds became alive with noise as students moved in thick crowds between classes.

I could see the greenhouses from where I sat, and Lily had already told me we were in Greenhouse Two, so I got up and started to walk to my destination. I spotted Lily coming out of the entrance hall, as her hair stood out a mile. I was curious and also (to my own surprise) slightly concerned as I saw a worried expression on her face, but when she spotted me, her worry slipped away, replaced with relief.

"I was so worried that you got lost or that you got locked in some room somewhere! I never should have let you wander on your own. It's only your first day!" she exclaimed when she reached me.

I was amused by her rambling but also touched that she clearly cared for my well being. "Well, no need to worry, I've not been lost and apparently I'm not locked in some room either, because here I am." I gestured to myself. For the tenth time that day, I mentally beat myself. I shouldn't be putting someone as nice as Lily in this kind of position. I was letting my selfishness put her at risk, which was unacceptable. However, she was a prefect, and I didn't know where I was going... so I should let her show me. Otherwise, as she said, I will end up locked in some room in some tower or something.

The Herbology lesson was very dull. There was a demonstration on how to plant a Tentala bulb safely and how to secure the surrounding earth for when it grew. All we had to do was take notes and be ready for a test on it next lesson. Woo hoo! A few people came up and introduced themselves, which deserved respect, considering how unapproachable I was being.

Later, Lily and I were talking some more about the school's layout when we walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. After a bit of a debate, we compromised that we would sit midway between the back, where I wanted to sit, and the front, where Lily wanted to sit.

I sat down closest to the wall and as soon as I looked up, I saw Sirius enter the classroom with three friends, laughing about something. He stopped immediately when he saw me and quickly went to the other side of the classroom, straight to the back row. Remus, I noticed slightly shocked, was one of his friends. I didn't think Sirius would be friendly with prefect type. Also, I didn't think Remus would be friends with Sirius, who, no matter how much he had changed in the past years, was pretty much a troublemaker. Remus gave Lily and me a kind smile which I couldn't help but return. Both of them were closely followed by the Pettigrew boy I remembered from the previous night, who looked at me with wide eyes and practically sprinted to join his friends. The fourth boy I also recognized from the previous night. He was one of the boys who was in the classroom that I - now that I thought about it, Pettigrew, this boy, and Remus were all in that room. I almost smiled with the realization that Sirius must have been the fourth boy I could not see.

I expected this messy haired boy to go and join his friends, but instead, he zoomed in on Lily, a goofy grin plastered on his face. As soon as he smiled, I realized he looked familiar.

"Oh, dear Merlin! Why does he insist on doing this every single five minutes?" Lily muttered angrily, glaring at the approaching boy. I was confused.

"Good morning, my love! I haven't seen you today. Have you been avoiding me?" he said playfully. Lily looked as though she was going to hex him, but didn't get the chance to reply as his gaze fell on me. "Well hello there. I'm James Potter and who are-"

Ah, Potter! I realized why he looked familiar. Both his parents were in the Order and he bore a likeness to his father. He had also inherited some of his arrogance, apparently.

Lily cut him off before he could continue. "Don't talk to her, Potter! You'll only corrupt her," she snarled in contempt. I would have laughed at her words had she not looked so murderous. Lily Evans, it appeared, had a passionate hatred for James Potter, who looked offended. "And yes, I was avoiding you. As for me being your love, I most certainly am not! Now, if you don't leave my presence in the next five seconds, I will hang you from the Astronomy Tower," Lily threatened through gritted teeth. I must say she looked quite menacing. Luckily for Potter, he got the message and scuttled to join his three friends.

"Corrupt me, eh?" I teased, to which she rolled her eyes exasperatedly. She was about to launch into a reply but before she had the chance, the classroom door banged open and what I assumed to be the professor walked in.

"Good morning, class. I am Professor Smith and I will be teaching you Defense Against the Dark Arts this year," announced the man. He was quite tall and I would say mid-thirties. He had light brown hair and light green eyes, and I could tell he was not a soft touch. Good natured, yes, but strict. I liked that. At least I might learn something from this man.

"Now, I think it'd be best if we just throw ourselves into work straight away. If you could all take out some parchment and a quill, we will begin by taking notes today." He walked to the back of the classroom, waving his wand on the way so that blinds covered the window. The room went dark. Everyone felt confused for a moment until a bright light came from where the professor stood. A large picture projected onto a screen he had just conjured.

"Today we will be learning about werewolves." The class seemed excited about this, but I almost groaned. I had covered werewolves twice (I had had two different Defense teachers at Beauxbatons. The mentalists had thought it would be beneficial to learn from different perspectives. Yeah right!) and I had no desire to cover them again.

I turned so that my back was against the wall and I could see everything around me. I had to focus on something or I might end up sleeping. Although the room was dim, I could make out a few Hufflepuffs who had introduced themselves this morning. On the other side of the classroom, I could see my dorm mates who were actually applying lip-gloss. I shook my head at how cliché that was. Lily was giving 100 percent attention to the lesson, staring intently at the screen with a ready quill in her hand. There was also a slight problem in that a certain Mr. Black hadn't stopped staring at me the entire time, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him, which irritated me. Him too, probably.

"A werewolf is a very unusual creature in that it doesn't technically exist except for a brief period every month. At any other time, the werewolf is a normal human being. Does anyone know how a werewolf comes into being?" Smith asked the class. Lily's hand shot up.

"Yes, Miss-" he looked at the seating plan "-Evans."

"A werewolf comes into being when a person is bit by another werewolf. There is no cure, so the werewolf must learn to manage the condition," said Lily clearly.

"Excellently said, Miss Evans. Ten points to Gryffindor." Lily smiled at out teacher proudly, who continued, "What Miss Evans said is correct. Once a person has been turned into a werewolf, there is, unfortunately, no cure. There have been many, many attempts at potions to stop the transformations or spells to expel the disease from people who suffer, but so far, nothing has worked." He slipped in another slide that showed a werewolf very vividly.

"A werewolf, when transformed, loses all trace of human awareness and will attack any person it comes into contact with, including its loved ones. The werewolf transforms when the moonlight of a full moon hits it. There are many differing opinions on werewolves and there have been a lot of arguments on how best to approach this subject publicly. Does anyone know a stable argument on this subject?"

A large Hufflepuff boy raised his hand. Professor Smith called, "Yes, Mr. McLaren."

"I personally believe that integrating werewolves into society is far too dangerous. They have caused a lot of damage already. The Ministry needs to take action before they can cause any more," responded the pompous looking boy.

"Would anyone like to respond to Mr. McLaren? Yes, Mr. Potter."

"Well, I would like to know what exactly it is that the Ministry should do." Potter's eyes burned angrily at McLaren like he was about to curse him.

McLaren opened his mouth to speak, but Smith clearly sensed the hostility coming off in waves from Potter and chose to divert people's attention. "Remember, class, write down notes. Now, another opinion I think... How about you, Miss Chambers, what do you think?" asked Smith.

Chambers was a very attractive girl who was also one of my roommates. Crystal, I think she was called. She answered, "I agree with McLaren. I think werewolves are too dangerous to be around normal people."

My temper rose as she said "normal people." I didn't like that at all.

"Miss Phoenix, what do you think?" Smith asked, and I nearly groaned.

_So much for not drawing attention to myself. Why me! There's an entire class and he chooses me!_

"I disagree."

_Damn conscience._

"Really?" asked Smith, looking both pleased and shocked. It took me a moment to realize why he would be shocked, but then I remembered what my last name was.

"Yes. I believe that certain precautions must be made at the time of the full moon, of course, but I don't think that werewolves are dangerous."

_Why can't I just be a bad person? My life would be so much easier if I was a bad person._

"Of course they're dangerous! They rip people apart!" exclaimed McLaren in a superior tone. I didn't like the look he gave me, like he was better than I was. I had a hunch it was because I was female. Oh, what a wanker.

"They are capable of that when they are transformed, yes. That is exactly why I said that precautions should be taken at the appropriate time. What I disagree with is that you think they should be all but exiled for something that isn't their fault."

He gave me a very patronizing look. "What would you have me do, feel sympathy for them?"

"Not sympathy, per se, but I think that you would do better to try and sympathize with the situation they have been put in. It doesn't help to judge." This boy was really getting on my nerves.

"I will judge anyone who threatens my life and those of the people around me." McLaren obviously felt annoyed that I was talking back to him.

"You cannot judge someone on how they spend a few hours of every month, especially when it's out of their control. And if you stopped being so ignorant, you would take into account that most werewolves take the correct precautions to ensure they don't hurt people during their transformations. These measures can sometimes lead to their own deaths." I was proud that my voice was very calm the entire time. Even though my words were contradicting my act, my mask still stayed in place.

"What about Fenrir Greyback?" he pointed out suddenly, a triumphant gleam in his brown eyes.

"What about him?"

"Well, he doesn't lock himself away, does he?"

I was feeling an increasing dislike for this boy. "So you are generalizing an entire species on the actions of one man? That's ridiculous. That's exactly the same as saying all wizards use the Dark Arts because Grindelwald did." My God, he was so stupid.

He glared at me for a moment, obviously having no comeback, but it didn't last. "It's not just Greyback. Loads of werewolves don't lock themselves away. And as for them killing themselves, that's completely untrue."

"Actually, statistics show that a large amount of werewolves either die when they transform or eventually kill themselves by choice because they can't take people like you anymore." I don't know why I had to add the insult, but to be honest, I did find his reaction quite comical. His face went red and his eyes bulged.

"People like me!" he repeated through gritted teeth.

"Yes. People who are brave enough to carry on with life even after they have been inflicted with this horrible condition deserve an enormous amount of respect, not judgment. If people like you stopped being so narrow-minded, then you may come to realize that it isn't the werewolf's fault." I tried very hard not to laugh as he stood up, throwing his chair backwards. His already beetroot face turned purple.

"Did you just call me narrow-minded?" he bellowed.

When I spoke, I couldn't stop the small smile that graced my lips. "I also called you ignorant earlier, but you were to busy struggling to give a comeback that you didn't hear me," I reminded him, my voice polite and helpful. I thought he was about to explode, but before he could scream the place down, Smith stepped in.

"McLaren! Sit down this second; I will not tolerate behavior like that in my classroom. And to a woman, no less! Twenty points from Hufflepuff!" he snapped firmly.

"She called me narrow-minded and ignorant!" McLaren argued.

"I'm sorry, was that judgmental?" I asked innocently with false concern. McLaren's head snapped to me with a snarl on his lips.

"McLaren!" Smith snapped again.

"This is so unfair! She started it!" huffed McLaren with folded arms.

I couldn't stop myself from smiling at how pathetic he looked. "Don't be so childish," I said and found it oddly satisfying to see his face turn red again. He opened his mouth to retort, but again Smith stopped him.

"I will not ask you again, McLaren! And Miss Phoenix, can you please refrain from provoking him?" I nodded obediently and turned once more to the projector.

Smith, regaining control, said, "Everyone, please turn to page 947 and take notes on the chapter about werewolves." He clearly wanted to get away from debating werewolf rights. With one last glance at McLaren's red face, I looked to my book. I did catch the small smile that Smith was unconsciously sending me.

"I have to say, that wasn't very fun to be trapped between," whispered Lily, but she didn't sound upset at all. Actually, she sounded quite pleased. I realized that as Lily was sitting next to me and McLaren was across the aisle from her, she had probably gotten more of McLaren's yelling than I had.

"Sorry Lily. Oh God, why can't I just stop talking?" I muttered, frustrated with myself. That argument was unneeded and had also given me an enemy on my very first day. Not to mention how I had strongly stuck up for "half-breeds." My brothers would surely hear of this._ Stupid, stupid, Ronnie!_

"Don't be silly. Thank Merlin someone finally put him in his place. He's completely out of order," Lily responded, glaring at McLaren who was glowering at his book.

"I thought Hufflepuffs were supposed to be kind, loyal, fair, and hardworking. That's not what I'm getting from him." I felt confused.

"Yeah, well, every house has an exception. Just to let you know, ours would be Potter and Black," Lily said. I was shocked to hear her mention Sirius.

"Why, where should they be?" I asked, mildly amused with her obvious disgust for the pair, but also intrigued.

"Away from people. They should be expelled, the pair of them. Arrogant show offs." Her knuckles had gone white and her voice was very angry. "Potter is a big-headed idiot who think the world revolves around him because he can fly a broom. Black thinks he's some kind of sex god!" As soon as she said the words "sex god" I burst out laughing, causing a few people to look around and stare at us. I waited for them to turn away before looking back at Lily.

"Sex god?" I asked, extremely amused.

"He's thinks he's God's gift to women. I don't know how Remus tolerates them," Lily continued angrily, talking whilst scribbling away at her parchment. I was impressed with her ability to multitask, but I didn't comment. I bit my lip, thinking about what she said.

So Sirius Black was a womanizer. I should have been surprised, but I had kind of expected it, in a way. As I said, he was extremely attractive, had his father's charm perfected, and also had arrogance about him that girls were foolishly drawn to. Whilst staring ahead and thinking, I realized something again. Sirius's eyes hadn't left me this entire time.

I was beginning to get uncomfortable, so I turned to look at him. When our gazes met, it was like his eyes snapped onto mine and held them there. I couldn't look away, so I saw the emotions that were in his stormy grey orbs. I ripped my eyes away and turned around before I could see any more. I felt trapped by his eyes and hadn't liked it at all. He hadn't even flinched when I looked at him, just looked right back. He was still watching me; I could feel his eyes on me even though I faced away. I didn't like this. I didn't like that he could trap my gaze. It made me feel controlled, and the one thing I relied on was control. I despised having it taken away.

Lily gently tapped my forearm, giving me a very helpful distraction from Sirius's staring. "I was wondering if you wanted to go to the kitchens for lunch instead of the Great Hall. I know it's none of my business, and feel free to correct me, but I get the impression things are tense with your brother. This way, you could let things calm down a bit before you see him again."

She was very tentative when she spoke of my family. I was surprised that I felt no anger at her speaking of it. With most people, I hated it when they mentioned my family. Lily continued, "This way, I can take you to potions after." She seemed shy compared to what she was a moment before. Again Lily surprised me. I could tell that these were not the only reasons she wanted to go to the kitchens. I think she knew that her blood status would be an issue among my peers, and yet, she didn't seem to mind.

Though I had told myself last night not to get close to Lily, I couldn't stop myself from agreeing with her. After all, she was right: I didn't want to see Troy again today and I saw no problem if no one saw us.

"Thank you, Lily," I replied to her, smiling slightly.

Lily beamed at me, but went back to her notes when Smith walked past.

**As always thanks to my reviewers!**

**Review xxxxx**


	9. Actress

**Hi guys! This is a weird chapter and I wrote it in like 12 sittings, so it could be a little bit scattered so sorry. I'd like to thank Kat183 for her idea and of course to my other amazing, spectacular reviewers! **

**I would also like to say before you read this that there will be no veronica being in love with Remus or James and they wont be In love with her either.**

**Just letting you know because after reading some of what Remus says I can see that it may be perceived that way, sorry not meaning it to. There will be a chapter in Sirius POV soon and also there will be an order meeting soon.**

**Enjoy!**

Why do I do this to myself? I get thrown into situations out of my control and then instead of working to make it better I make it worse! When did I become so…impulsive?! Even at that moment as I mentally reprimanded myself I was sat in the kitchens making friends with a muggleborn. I prayed that my little outburst earlier wouldn't get back to my brothers, mainly Tudor, but he has a way of finding things out so chances were he already knew. Brilliant, that should be a fun conversation.

Life was cruelly taunting me when she put lily into mine. Lily was exactly what I needed to keep me sane, she was understanding and sympathetic and above all tolerant but most importantly she wasn't a push over. She would tell me when I was in the wrong and hopefully I would pay attention. The lily's of the world were rare but they were the only people who could control my impulsive tendencies and above all be honest enough to stop me from sinking into a lake of self pity.

I detested that her blood status was an issue. A rather big one at that.

"I hope I'm beside you but usually Slughorn seats us alphabetically, so I don't think it's going to happen." Said Lily as we approached the dungeon door.

On the large dungeon door was a seating plan and lily was correct, it was alphabetical, I was seated next to potter to which lily gave me a sympathetic look.

Great I was going to spend months sitting next to an obsessive talker. When I went to my designated seat I realized he looked far different from when he approached lily this morning. He looked very uncomfortable.

From what lily had said he was best friends with Sirius and I assumed that since this morning when he asked who I was he had later been informed of my identity. Since Sirius was openly despising me at this moment, Potter clearly wanted to be loyal to his friend which put him in a very awkward position. When sitting down I settled on the fact that his predicament was not my problem.

The dungeon door opened, a man walked in. His appearance was…odd. Actually to be honest he reminded me of a walrus, he was roughly my height at about 5.6, 5.7, the man had a large ginger moustache that resembled that of a stick on, his ginger hair was balding and he wore expensive, tight velvet robes which did not flatter his rounded figure in the slightest. My assumption was that he was the potions master, Slughorn I think lily said his name was. I had been expecting someone drastically different because I had also heard he was head of slytherin. This rather jolly man was not my idea of a slytherin.

"Good afternoon everyone and welcome to potions! Today we will be brewing a potion called the draught of the living dead!" Slughorn's voice was booming and excited. There was something…I couldn't find a way to explain it which was a rare occurrence for me. The way he acted it was almost like he was putting on a show, he wasn't false but there was something…I couldn't place it and that alone intrigued me greatly.

My observation of him was disrupted when he turned and I realized that he waved his wand and instructions appeared on the blackboard behind him.

"I'll get the ingredients." Said Potter whilst in the process of getting up. He walked down to the table at the front of the class so I decided to set up the equipment; I had lit the fire beneath the cauldron when he came back.

It was very lucky for me that I was used to awkward silences and could cope with them extremely well, potter however didn't appear to be a big fan of silence.

"Sooo…" He said slowly and I looked up at him but he was removing the string from some herbs "Are you any good at potions?" He asked very brightly clearly relieved at something to say. I knew with one glance that he wasn't sure about me but found that reassuring, that was what people were supposed to view me like, unapproachable.

"I can get through a class, but I wouldn't say I was particularly good" I replied putting up my exterior of cold indifference once more. I wasn't being modest at all. I wasn't bad at potions but I didn't excel. I could make whatever potion someone told me to but I couldn't improve it, nor did I really want to. Potions was a necessity, I took little pleasure in making one.

"Well getting through is more than I can so just let me know what you want me to do and I will follow it to the letter" Potter had a teasing arrogance about him that didn't shock me actually. It suited him but I could also see the reason that lily wasn't jumping at him; arrogance didn't seem her type of thing.

"Okay, chop up the roots." I told him and as promised he obeyed happily.

For most of the lesson he hummed a tune that, to my own surprise, didn't annoy me. As he had earlier vowed he followed each instruction perfectly and I was further shocked at how easy he was to work with. Though of course I didn't let on any of this. When Slughorn came around the tables I realized why I was intrigued initially. He was quite the suck up. Apparently he knew my grandfather many years ago and I was given a full story on how close they were. I almost showed amusement a few times as for anyone who knew my grandfather well then they knew he didn't do close relationships.

When Slughorn left our desk to go and praise someone else potter turned to me his brown eyes bright with a goofy grin on his face.

"So. How do you know Sirius then?" He asked conversationally.

I was very shocked at how blunt and out of the blue this question was but my mask didn't falter.

"Why do you presume me and Black know each other?" I questioned tonelessly.

"Because I know these things" He winked "However my master mind has its faults and I can't seem to find out how you two know each other. So?"

"Black and I had a brief acquaintance some years ago, though I don't see how that is any of your business." I snipped coldly. I was not best pleased that some random person I wouldn't even call an acquaintance was questioning me on my personal affairs.

Potter was about to reply but he closed his open mouth and his eyes fixed on my neck. He frowned.

"How did you get those bruises?" Damn.

"That Potter, is also none of your business." My voice held a very frosty edge to it.

I wasn't actually too annoyed that he had noticed them but more annoyed that he had pointed it out. I had been blocking out the pain in my back, the tenderness of my neck and the occasional stinging pain from my left hand all day (I was doing pretty damn well might I add), him talking about it made it hard to forget of their existence.

A few moments passed where we sat in silence, our potion already vialed, again potter proved he had no tolerance for peace and broke the quiet.

"Why don't we play a game?" His bright carefree attitude returned.

"A game?"

"Yeah a game! We could play…hangman?!" Evidently he was bored and apparently very restless. In truth I was bored as well; I wasn't fond of sitting still and doing nothing it unsettled me. I couldn't see the harm of playing hangman with him just to pass the time we had left in the cold dungeons.

"Fine." I replied rolling my eyes as though this was merely to shut him up and in a way I suppose it was. My attitude didn't seem to put him as he got all excited and pulled out a charmed piece of parchment with a small hangman already on it.

When our school day was finally over I was overjoyed. The only problem was the amount of homework I had obtained through out the day, I decided (I am perfectly aware of my cowardice) that whilst dinner took place I would instead go to the library. This was mainly so that I could avoid another confrontation with my brother and once finished work could go back to my dorm so that I could avoid them completely. Well until the following day that was. I also had little appetite for many reasons but lily wasn't having it. She was adamant that I should eat and it took a lot of coaxing to get her to back off, my manipulation focus was the use of school work. I convinced her that it was important for me to be academically up to date before I even thought anything else. As planned it worked.

I sat down in the impressive library and pulled out some books I needed. I had been briefly informed by a few teachers where each class was so I knew which ones I was behind in and which I was ahead. This was one of the factors when you transfer schools unfortunately. The only classes I appeared to be behind in were astronomy, arithmacy and some parts of DADA.

I did my assigned homework fairly quickly already knowing some of it, then went to find a few books that would help me catch up, but I had no idea where to look. I looked around my surrounding area trying to work out which section I was in when someone approached the table I was sat at.

"Can I sit here?" Asked Lupin.

"Yes." I answered shortly conveying no emotion. I was taken aback as he, like his friend potter, didn't seem to be very fazed by my attitude. He smiled his warm smile and sat down.

"Do you need any help? You looked slightly lost a second ago." Lupin said kindly. I was too tired and too fed up to be a bitch. For what felt like the 100th time that day I dropped my cold independent attitude and gave into help.

"Actually I was looking for a few books. Beaxbatons was behind in a few subjects so I need to catch up." My coldness was gone but I still maintained a voice of indifference.

"Of course I'll show you but personally I find it much easier to learn from an actual person than a book. If you would like I don't mind helping you catch up and at least this way I can show you exactly where the class is up to"

It was a very tempting offer and what he said was true, learning from an actual person was far quicker than learning from a book. I felt slightly apprehensive. Why was he being so nice to me? What did he want? I looked into his gold eyes trying to catch any trace of a lie or ulterior motive but I saw only genuine kindness. For some reason that made me even more apprehensive. But to all accounts he seemed like a nice guy and he was after all a prefect so if my brothers saw me with him I could merely come up with a story about how McGonagall asked him to help me catch up. I bit my lip just for a moment out of habit then chose to accept his offer.

"As long as you're sure you don't mind." I was no longer indifferent as that would have just been uncalled for but I kept a distance in my voice.

"Of course I don't. I'll just go get the books. What subjects are you behind on?"

It went on for longer than either of us initially anticipated. It was actually a good three hours later that we eventually shut the books. It turned out I was very far behind in arithmacy and had to spend about an hour and a half on that alone. By the end I had a passionate hatred for the subject and god knows how was going to attend that class without blowing something up. I was pleasantly surprised at how good a teacher Remus turned out to be. His main virtue was patience which is something you definitely need when teaching me.

"You know we should really get going before lily comes and hunts you down" Remus said placing some books back onto the shelf.

"Oh god, I completely forgot! She's probably having a panic attack thinking I've locked myself in a greenhouse or something." I responded my mind flashing to a frantic lily.

We walked out of the library and I felt a tad nervous at being out and about in the castle, I was tired and I couldn't be bothered with annoying Slytherin's but I had to walk back to the common room whether I liked it or not so I may as well suck it up.

"That was quiet impressive today. In defense." Remus said abruptly. What was it with these people and out of the blue comments?

"What?"

"Today the whole thing with werewolves." He pressed trying to trigger my memory. Damn I must have been tired.

"Oh right yeah" I said remembering "Well it was hardly my finest moment. Making enemies on my first day and nearly making a boy blow up because he turned so red" I muttered darkly.

"Well I thought you raised some very valid points."

I answered only with a small smile. The rest of the walk was in comfortable silence. As we entered through the portrait hole I saw Lily stand up from a seat near a desk and come quickly over to me, she placed a hand on the top of my arm and as I expected a very worried look was in her eyes.

"There you are. I was so worried." Instead of her concern for me being touching I actually found it rather irritating. _My aren't we being erratic today_.

"As I've said lily, you really shouldn't be worried about me." _You should be worried about yourself being seen with me though…_

Remus had gone over to the fireplace where potter, Pettigrew and Sirius sat. Potter and Pettigrew were playing a game of chess and hadn't even noticed anyone come in but Sirius was staring at me again but this time he looked very angry. I felt mildly confused but ignored it and turned back to lily.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay before I had to go on patrol."

"Lily I am capable of spending time out of your presence." My voice was very cold which I hadn't intended. In fact I hadn't intended those words either, I was letting Sirius's angry glares irritate me. She looked shocked and removed her hand from my arm. Emotions streamed through her eyes, hurt, surprise but also anger and in my mind that emotion was completely justified.

"Lily ignore me. I'm just really tired. Thank you for caring so much." I said softly trying to convey an apology for my harshness.

Lily smiled at me but traces of hesitation remained. However she didn't say anything only left the portrait hole for her rounds.

I turned intending to go up to my dorm and when I did I caught Sirius with his eyes still fixed on me but he was talking to Remus, whatever his words were they were angry just like his eyes. Sirius had been staring at me all day but I hadn't met his gaze since this morning, however I glared right back now for I was far too aggravated not to. When I walked up the stairs I resolved not to call him on his glares. Oh no, I was going to avoid him completely for deep down I knew that this was my fault. Turning up here and being so cold, he had every right to be angry.

My dorm was empty; I immediately made my way over to my bed and threw myself down regretting instantly as pain shot through my back. I let out a frustrated sigh.

I could make things so much easier for myself. But that would entail me giving in, that would require me to silence my conscience and let my mind slip that little way it needed to in order to integrate with all of them. Why couldn't I just stop being so stubborn?

I would be lying if I didn't say I saw the appeal. I saw it; in fact I had even felt it. You see some pureblood families think that eleven years old isn't early enough for children to learn magic so when their child is tutored to learn things such as reading and writing they add another lesson. Dueling. But its not defensive spells like you do at school, these are offensive spells designed to show the child at an early age the power they possess and hopefully invoke ambition to achieve the heights of this power. A taste of what is possible I suppose you could say.

I was 9 years old when I first preformed the dark arts and I can still remember how it made me feel. Untouchable, a free feeling that makes you feel…superior almost. I knew even as I felt it that it was an illusion, that what I was really doing was wrong, but its hard to fight that feeling, to listen to the voice that tells you to stop. I could plainly see how easy it could have been to get addicted to the dark arts.

It's almost like when you go under water and then you start sinking, no not sinking but…floating I suppose. You're relaxed in the water and you're floating, you feel safe away from the realities on the surface and you're just calm. But then you realize that you can't see the surface anymore because even though you thought you were floating you were sinking and now you're so deep its dark and you can't breathe because you've run out of air. You want to open your mouth and let in all the blackness, naturally you have an instinct to breathe but you have this voice telling you that if you let it in everything will get worse. That's when you decide whether to fight it or not. Sink or swim. You fight and you get back to the surface or you let in the darkness and let it overcome you which it always does. There is only so many times that one person can get back to the surface.

I recalled these events in my mind as I lay on my bed but got so angry with myself I ended up hitting the bed post. What the hell was I doing? For years I hadn't even faltered and I had been here a day and already I was falling apart?! I made my decision so why one earth cant I just stop over analyzing things?! All these trivial thoughts don't matter, all that matters is that I keep going. I took deep breaths ad I closed my eyes. I was tired and I felt strangely empty inside but I was just going to have to deal with it. There was no point in speculating and fussing over things that had happened for they had done just that. Happened and I couldn't change them.

After sitting on my bed for quiet some time trying to evaluate the situation I was in I came to a conclusion. The only way I was going to regain my families trust is if I fixed the reason they didn't trust me. If I was in slytherin then things would be easier. So much easier. I would write to my parents and ask them to arrange another sorting. After all if they could not then that was not my fault and I can say that I did try to fix the situation.

I opened my bedside cabinet eventually pulling out some parchment and ink. I started writing to my mother but after several awful attempts my hand was getting painful for I had to write each letter with great care. Truth be told I didn't know how to communicate with my mother, in person it wasn't too hard but on paper I didn't know what to say. In beaxbatons she would write me letters occasionally to which I would reply politely and formally but in her letters it was mainly updates on gossip and family affairs nothing of substance.

I would have to write directly with my father, I knew how to talk with him which was odd considering he was the more distant and harsher of our parents but I knew what tone to use with him, what words would have an effect. The biggest problem with writing to my father though was that I never knew what mood he would be in so I didn't necessarily say the right things to fit his mood. I tried many different times to write it properly and ended up with a bed full of scrunched up parchment but at least I had finally written it.

_Father,_

_I am sure you have been informed of my placing and I must firstly convey my most sincere apologies for the upset and the embarrassment this decision must have caused yourself and mother. As is obvious it made a mistake, as my father I am sure that you already know this and I must make a request of you._

_If you could find it in yourself to forgive me for this and do what you have always done for me and the rest of the family and correct this injustice that has been bestowed upon me. I of course mean that you ask the headmaster to place me in my rightful house where I should have been placed had the hat not made this mistake. _

_I will not insult you by saying that I had no part in this occurrence for I have to regretfully admit that I do show characteristics suited to this house. You will know that I am far too strong willed and often show reckless tendencies but I must stress that I have done everything in my power these past years to keep these unwanted traits in check and also as I have grown my recklessness had all but faded._

_As your daughter I am very confident that you know full well of my loyalty and commitment to the family and yourself and would never intentionally cause any disruption._

_If you could do this for me I would me forever grateful and would never let anything of this nature occur again._

_Your devoted daughter,_

_Veronica_

I re-read my work several times, I wasn't ecstatic with it but it would have to do. I just prayed he was in a forgiving state of mind when reading this letter.

Putting the parchment and ink away I stepped of my bed in order to make my way to the school owlery. I had a vague idea of its location as I had passed it a few timed during the day.

Luckily for me I had a brilliant memory in terms of locations but even so I couldn't stop myself mentally cursing the old castle for being so enormous.

Once out of the portrait hole I focused on where I was going, as I walked along the echoing corridors I tried very hard not to make any wrong turns and I was also as quite as possible, I didn't know the curfew but if I had gone past it then I dint want to alert any wandering teachers or patrolling prefects of my presence.

After a few dead ends and a couple of fake doors I finally walked up the outside staircase and then under the arch into the owlery. Looking around I spotted a very large tawny owl and decided that it would do very well; I beckoned it down and attached my letter to its out stretched leg. I paused a few times whilst doing this and asked myself if this was really the wisest choice, however I had made up my mind and would not be swayed by worry.

"Take this straight to Leonidas phoenix, do not deliver it infront of anyone else and definitely do not let anyone else take it." I commanded knowing full well that if it was delivered at say breakfast then my mother would have a great influence over his reaction which I didn't want.

The large owl nipped at my fingers and the gracefully glided out of the large window, I watched it go and as I did I tried very hard to push the knot from my stomach away, the ever pressing fear and nervousness that had been with me since the previous night.

Upon exiting the owlery I found the cool night air to be very calming. I stopped half way down the steps and leant against the stair banister taking in the scene below. I closed my eyes and tried to relax allowing my self to calm down, just when the knot in my stomach had felt non existent my serenity was broken when I almost jumped five feet in the air after hearing someone move near me.

After pushing the though of heart failure from my mind I turned to face the person whom almost made my heart stop.

Oh well, had to be him didn't it.

"Are you trying to give mea heart attack black?" I snapped coldly.

He didn't reply to me, just continued to lean against opposite wall looking at me in a very unnerving way.

"How long have you been stood there?" I asked tonelessly.

"Not very long." Was Sirius's simple reply and though his words were light and nonchalant his gaze was not. It bothered me greatly.

"Stop doing that." I demanded.

"What am I doing?"

"You know full well what you're doing and I want you to stop."

"Veronica I have no idea what you're talking about." Sirius said looking at me almost confused.

"You're staring at me; you've been doing it all day, its really starting to irritate me."

I was expecting some kind of reaction but all I got was a brief flit of surprise weave itself through his eyes. It was gone as quick as it came.

"I am curious I'll admit." Again that was not what I had expected him to say.

"Curious?" I inquired now also curious myself.

"Yes." He was being extremely difficult.

"What do you want Sirius?" Again all I got was a far too intense look. "Right you either start talking or you get out of my way."

Hurt went through Sirius's eyes but yet again he removed it very quickly. He looked like he wanted to ask something and yet still no sound.

"Spit it out black; let's not wait for the grass to grow."

He narrowed his eyes at me and walked up a few steps so that he was a lot closer to me, in fact uncomfortably close to me, my instincts told me to back up but one of my inabilities was to back down, quite a big problem actually.

"Where were you trying to go last night?"

"None of your business."

"What was all that today in defense?"

"Felt like snapping at someone" My voice was toneless but his was getting frustrated.

"Why are you being like this?!" Sirius wasn't shouting but his voice was raised, anger wasn't in his eyes but there was frustration and also hurt which made my throat twist and I felt guilty. I didn't want to be like this, especially with him, but as I have already said, what choice do I have?

"What am I being black? You're asking me questions and I am replying as I see fit, now if that Is all." I swerved around him ignoring the pain in my back. I made it as far as the corridor before he caught up. He placed a hand on my upper arm and pulled me back then placing me on the wall where he put a hand on either side of my body, trapping me. Even though there was very little force in his capture I still gave an involuntary wince when my back collided with the wall. Sirius noticed immediately and he frowned.

"What happened to your back?" Hs voice was quiet and his body relaxed slightly.

"You throw me against a wall and now you care for my physical well being?" I asked incredulously. My words were far fetched eh had barely touched me but immediately I was defensive about my injuries. I tried to move away from him by pushing his now relaxed arm from my way but again I didn't get very far. Sirius wrapped his hand gently around me elbow looking at me concerned. I didn't really know how to react so I settled that since he was preventing me moving I was not pleased with him.

"Get off me Black." I ordered calmly.

Sirius paid no attention to me words for his eyes had caught another target. Gently he lifted my hair which exposed my bruised neck; to my immense surprise I wasn't stopping him. His reaction was shock but then his eyes narrowed in what I assumed to be anger but the last thing he settled on was a very cold look I had never seen on him before.

"Who did that?" He asked me tonelessly. I was unsettled by his…I suppose harshness. Yes there was harshness in his voice.

"What does it matter?"

"Of course it matters." He looked at me and there was an emotion that I didn't understand, an emotion I couldn't place. "Tell me who did this" Sirius demanded.

"Dumbledore." I said very seriously unimpressed with his stupidity.

"Ronnie!"

I sighed rolling my eyes then wrenched my arm from his grasp turning yet again away from him. I actually didn't know why I even attempted to walk away its not like he was going to let me. As predicted he caught up almost instantly but this time instead of merely taking an arm he wrapped his own arm around my waist and turned me to him.

"Did your brothers do this?"

"I've already told you Black, Dumbledore did it." I snapped acidic. Sirius had hold of me around the waist so that there was no way of me breaking out of his grasp now. It was very clever as I couldn't struggle because it would hurt me back and he knew I didn't have enough strength to push him off me. But I was too close, way too close. I could feel the heat from his body melting into me and I felt…I don't know actually but I felt…odd.

"Did Troy do it?"

I didn't answer him which was his reply. His grey eyes darkened and his jaw tightened. Sirius and Troy had loathed each other since they were children. There were many different reasons for their hatred but the hatred itself ran very deep. I was sure that saying Troy's name alone made Sirius want to kill him.

I felt worried that perhaps Sirius would view this as a reason to do something. I knew fully well how bad his temper was and it was uncontrollable around troy.

"Black none of this is your business. What goes on between me and my brother has nothing to do with you or anyone else for that matter." My voice was very cold which again shocked me. I was an erratic person but today it was ridiculous. Sirius looked at me for a few moments, looked me right in the eyes and I didn't like it. With everyone the first things I see is their eyes but with him all I wanted to do was look away.

"Stay away from me Sirius." I said heavily. He stiffened at my words as though a guard went up, like a wall between us.

"Fine, if that's what you want Phoenix." The use of my second name hit me. It made an ache run through my chest but I didn't let appearances falter.

"Yes." My voice was indifferent "It is." _Liar._

He gave me a very hard look and then as though In a second he was walking away from me. As he walked away I let out a breathe I didn't know I had been holding. And then I frowned because my lungs compressed again as the knot slowly reappeared as soon as he let go of me.

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	10. Orion Black

The rest of my week actually passed with very little difficulty and I was immensely surprised at how little my placing tarnished my reputation. Bellatrix had come to find me and tell me that she forgave me for my actions, silly bitch, and that she didn't want this horrific (yeah this is actually what she said) event change our friendship. This should have leased me but all I felt was irritation at how highly she thought herself.

Troy, much to my pleasure was steering clear. He watched me and whenever I was in his presence I could see how tense and frustrated he was but no more than a few words had been passed between us since our last interaction. This wasn't him stewing as you may have already worked out, Tudor I presumed had demanded Troy to control his anger towards me and the only way he could do that was to avoid me. Troy would head Tudor's words for a time but I knew he would eventually snap.

In terms of Tudor, he had seemingly forgotten about the whole situation. I was very, very confused. I knew other's would take cue from my brother, if he had seemed to forgive me then they would also. I suppose it as lucky he seemed to overlook this but I didn't understand why. The conversation we had was no where enough reassurance for him but he had yet to seek another one. I was extraordinarily alert in his presence for he had put me utterly on edge.

Despite my best efforts and I mean _best _efforts, Lily Evans was now my friend. I, being the weak person I was gave into her persistent kindness shamefully quickly. I should have lasted longer than days for Christ's sake. I was unconsciously getting closer to her and it was hard not to. For it was lily that I spent nearly every class with and when I came back from a very tiring few hours with the Slytherin's it was lily that lifted my mood. I was half hoping that perhaps she would be angry that I was friends with the Slytherin's but she was annoyingly understanding.

Then of course there was Sirius. It appeared to me to the naked eye that he had gotten he message on Monday, as far as I knew he and Troy had exchanged nothing but glares and literally not a single breathe had passed between us. He had backed off almost completely apart from the staring. I could feel his eyes on me quite often but I was trying very hard to ignore it, there was no way I was asking for an explanation again for the looks I could tolerate but I really wasn't up to another argument. The oddest thing was that I found his avoidance of me extremely irritating. It annoyed me even though I had very specifically asked for him to stay away.

Even though I had been at Hogwarts a mere week, I had gathered it to be like any other school in terms of gossip so I was very quick to learn the reason for Lily's estimation of Sirius. Apparently he was in some sort of group that the school had branded 'the marauders'', I had further learned that allegedly it was Minerva who gave them such a name as she screamed a lecture at them for marauding around the castle after hours. They were infamous for their audacious attitudes and their accomplishment of receiving a record breaking amount of detentions. They were considered somewhat enigmatic also. They were extremely close and had been that way since first year, they did let anyone 'in' to the little group they had made. With there surrounding mystery though came speculation and let me tell you the students of Hogwarts have remarkable imagination.

On Friday morning I received word of and order meeting that night and I had encased mixed feelings on the matter. In some way they were helpful for I was clued up so to speak but I found any knowledge of my father's wrong doing unpleasant to hear.

I had yet to receive a response from my parents and it had been four days. The letter would have been received most likely on the day it was sent or the next so I could not work out why I had received no form of reply.

I was given my answer that night.

Me and lily were in the dormitory, lily was venting her frustration out as she ranted about how intolerable potter was when we interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Come in." Lily's voice was slightly snappier than perhaps it should have been and I laughed again at her anger. It was funny to watch lily talk of potter, very entertaining. The door opened and a little girl no more than first year stood looking very nervous.

"Can we help you?" Asked lily very kindly. The little girl had her eyes cast down.

"I was told to give this to Veronica Phoenix." She mumbled quietly. I was surprised as she held out a rolled piece of parchment. I reached forward and took it from her.

"Thank you." I said. She was gone inhumanly quickly.

"What does it say?" Asked lily sitting up in her bed.

I scanned the parchment. It was from Minerva, telling me I had a visitor and to come to her office immediately.

"Oh nothing important. McGonagall just wants to have a meeting with me, you know see how I have settled in on my first week. I should be back soon." I told lily. It wasn't really lying because it was sort of true, I didn't want to tell lily I had a visitor because I didn't know who it was. It was just easier to tell her what I did.

She nodded quiet happily as I left. I was impressed with how casual my exterior was for my mind was in over drive. Who was it? Why hadn't they written to me before coming? Was it a family member? This thought made me stop in my tracks and walk a lot slower. Then again it could be jack? But he would see me at the meeting. Perhaps he wanted to speak with me before the meeting? Yes I am sure that was it. It must be it. My mother would most definitely not travel all this way and nor would my father.

As I approached Minerva's office door I still felt a twinge of nerves. _You're being ridiculous. _I mentally scolded myself. I agreed with my inner voice and pushed down the fear as it made me feel very weak to be scared of walking into a room.

I rapped my knuckles softly on the oak.

"Come in." Came my reply.

I pushed the door open but was only confronted with Minerva on her own. I shot her a look of confusion.

"Veronica, thank you for coming so quickly. Your visitor is in a room sown this corridor. Follow me I'll take you to him." She beckoned for me to follow her which I numbly did. It wasn't jack. If it was she would have said but it was a he apparently. Nerves expanded in my stomach causing a very unpleasant sensation. I hadn't really realized I was following her until we came to a halt infront of a large dark door. I was rather put out by the speed and indirectness of my professor's actions, but I didn't have time to dwell.

"Who is it?" I asked. _Please be someone I want to see._ I begged mentally.

Her light blue eyes flashed with worry as she looked at me. Before she spoke I knew I didn't want to hear it.

"Orion Black." My heart sunk at her words. This was not good, not good at all.

Orion Black was my father's oldest friend. They had known each other since childhood; Orion was like family to me as he had been there so much in my life. That was the reason me and Sirius were tutored together for Orion was at my house so much that Sirius had become a constant figure there also. Whenever there was a problem in the family that my father could not attend to Orion was the only one to whom he entrusted this task. You may gather that even though I say he is like family to me that does not mean I like him, in the slightest.

Minerva pushed open the door and as she did so I took a in a calming breath hoping to ease the knot in my stomach. _Get a grip._

I followed her into a large open room with a long wood table in its centre and three large windows on the far wall flooding the room with a pink light from the falling sun. My eyes caught him immediately as he rose from the chair he occupied.

Orion was a very attractive man; his eldest son bore great similarities to him but the difference between the two Blacks were their eyes. Orion's were a light blue, an icy blue, his features were sharp where his sons were rugged but Sirius's main resemblance to his father was the charm. Though Sirius was extremely charming he had nothing on his father. Orion Black could make anyone trust him, confide in him. Not me though.

"I apologize for your wait Mr. Black." Minerva said curtly.

"Not at all Professor, I should have sent some warning of my arrival." Orion replied in his smoother than silk voice that made most visibly melt. I felt a satisfaction as I saw Minerva become even frostier. I fought to suppress a smile.

"Yes well there is nothing we can do now." She snipped and though I knew Orion must had hated her attitude he showed nothing but warmth. "I'm afraid I cannot allow a long visit for I am sure Miss Phoenix has a lot of Homework to complete and it is nearing after hours." After hours were long off and I had completed my homework some time ago but I knew she was trying to cut back the time I spent with him. So did he of course but he thought it was for a very different reason.

"I will make sure to keep it as short as possible." Orion assured smoothly. Minerva raised an eyebrow at him before turning and she shot me a concealed look of apology before exiting.

"Hello Veronica, you look well. I trust your settling in alright?" Orion inquired with fake comfort as he motioned for me to join him at the table he sat at. I joined him but as I neared I was severely unsettled by the look I saw in the depths of his eyes. He wasn't very happy with me.

"As well as can be expected." I replied politely "I must say your visit is rather unexpected." I observed sounding as though I was eased in his presence, I knew it would please him to think he had charmed me into comfort.

"It was rather last minute, your father wished for me to come and see you. Talk to you." He said with his dazzling smile.

"A talk? A talk about what?" I asked curiously.

Orion observed me for a moment and the smile he bore slipped away and his face resembled that of a man burdened.

"Veronica" He sighed almost. "I'm sure you know this wasn't expected. Everyone, myself included, assumed naturally you would have been placed in Slytherin. I am sure you can appreciate our shock of this…situation." He said delicately.

"Yes of course I do, but I wrote to my father explaining what happened, surely I cannot still be held responsible?" I asked disbelievingly. There was a certain role I had to play with Orion for he saw me as an innocent, naïve child.

"Ah yes, your letter. Your aware veronica that even your father cannot dictate the rules of Hogwarts. You are given but one sorting and its word is final."

"But that isn't fair." I protested again portraying the act of a child "The hat can make mistakes, even the Malfoy's said as such. There has to be a way in which I can be placed in my rightful house."

"There isn't." His words were like a cold whip and his cool exterior slipped slightly. I knew why, Orion did not like being told what he could and could not do, he could not dictate the rules of Hogwarts and that angered him. In fact it probably angers my father…oh great. I had probably made things worse by reminding him that some things were forbidden even to him. Well done me.

I remained silent for a few moments. I wanted to move this on to the real reason he was here.

"Well if another sorting is impossible, then why have you come? Surely that could have been put in writing?" I asked.

"I am here Veronica, to speak with you on where your loyalties lie." And there we go. This was oddly blunt for Orion; usually you spent a good half hour easing him into comfort.

"My loyalties lie with my family Orion, you should know that." I added a tad of hurt into my eyes knowing he would notice "I do not know why everyone I suddenly questioning my loyalties, have I ever given reason for any of you to doubt me?" I asked offended. My portrayal of hurt worked as it always did on him and his eyes softened.

"Veronica you have been placed in the traitor house, what are we supposed to think? After what happened with Sirius how can we not be cynical." His voice changed upon mentioning his eldest son, it was a subject to get off.

I had a question I needed to ask but I was hesitant to hear the answer.

"My father, is he angry with me?" I asked. Orion gave me a long look before answering.

"He feels betrayed, he is…disappointed." I could see his mind form his sentences and I felt my breathing capacity lessen. Orion was sugar coating it as he always did. My father was angry. The thing crushing my lungs was fear. "You must understand, you are his only daughter veronica and he had high expectations, we all did." I wanted to slap him. Like I cared what he thought, he was not my father in fact we had no blood relation whatsoever. I felt very little for Orion and the constant use of the word 'we' when he talked of my father made me angry.

"I take no pleasure in disappointing the people I care for Orion. As for my loyalties, they lie where they always have and I will not change them to suite anyone other than myself that I can promise." I looked him directly in the eyes "I will not betray my family." I vowed. The knife that rested in my chest stabbed at my heart, then at my stomach, the all too familiar sensation of guilt was oppressing but I didn't falter and met his gaze with emotionless eyes. The sincerity in my voice made me feel ill and though useful I as not proud of my impressive talent to lie.

His eyes sparked and I saw that he was satisfied with the conviction in my voice. My mind wandered without my consent to how different his eyes were from his sons. Actually they could have been the same color and yet still hold no similarities other than that. The thing I found disturbing about Orion was that you could look into his eyes for long enough and then starts to feel like you were…falling almost. It wasn't a nice sensation.

"I think this will do." Orion's voice interrupted my unease. "I am sorry that my visit was so short but I most definitely be seeing you soon." He said smiling whilst standing up and wrapping his cloak around himself.

I mirrored his rise then walked behind my chair to the door. He joined me a second later opening it and we walked out into the rather cold corridor.

"Thank you for your visit Orion, it is much appreciated." I said softly giving him one of my smiled that he loved so much.

"No trouble at all. Do stay out of trouble Veronica, we don't want to be hearing of any…just behave." He was implying that I would start to mix with traitors and muggle born's I saw his unspoken words flash through his eyes. "Focus on your studies after all that is what school Is for." He smiled and uttered no goodbye as he turned to stride down the corridor. I found myself watching him leave as I had a few nights before with his son, but this time I felt nothing but anger and revulsion for the retreating figure before me.

**Right now people, I am getting a hell of a lot of hits but barely any reviews, what's going on! I am welcoming flames and allowing anonymous so what the hell. Look i know its boring and annoying bit it makes me smile and that counts as your good deed for the day. So if you review you can get all proud of yourself :):):)**

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	11. My Only Option

**I was really tired and slightly ill when I wrote this so feel free to complain if there is anything really wrong.**

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I walked back to the Gryffindor common room, not too impressed with my little meeting with Orion. I found nothing out and I didn't know if I helped my case at all. A deep sigh came from my lips and I approached the portrait of the fat lady.

"Fairy lights." I said to her tonelessly.

"I am afraid the password has been changed dear." Replied the fat lady not looking too bothered by my problem.

"What? Well how am I supposed to know what it is?" I asked frustrated with her lack of help in my discontentment.

Stupid fat pink lady! Sat there looking at me outraged in her hideous pink dress that in my eyes should have been burned before it was made. Okay perhaps that wasn't possible…

"Mermish." As voice spoke clearly from beside me; I turned to see Remus lupin smiling at me.

"Thank you" I said quickly before walking through the now open portrait hole and hurriedly up to my dorm.

When I walked in the door I found three occupants, three rather irritating occupants. Crystal, Stacey and of course lovely little Maria. I received smiles from two and a glare from one.

"Hey veronica! Where have you been?" Asked Stacey in her annoyingly simpering voice. Stacey was the one who had informed me of basically all the gossip. She was _that _girl; you know the one who knew everything about everyone. Useful to listen to but not best to be friends with. She wasn't a nasty girl nor was she vicious; she just didn't know when to be quiet I suppose. However I had reassurance she was no threat in terms of telling the entire school that lily I were friends. Stacey had nothing against lily and I may have subtly dropped a few hints that it would be in her best interests to stay out of my affairs. Of course when I say subtle I mean very subtle, I did not want to offend the mouth of Hogwarts.

Maria was sat on the end of my bed as it was next to Stacey's (loving that). Maria was…actually she was very nice. Naïve, definitely but she wasn't horrible. My view was she was friends with the other two to calm them down. She had made a very good attempt to be nice to me and I wasn't harsh with her in return but we were not friends for obvious reasons.

Of course then there was crystal. There is always a crystal, in every job in every school there is a crystal chambers. You know what I am talking about, the head bitch the one that has slept with most of the school (or so I hear). Now crystal was not a bad person she was just…young and strong willed. She possessed many harmful qualities that if used incorrectly can have a very negative affect on your character. She hates me for I stole her spotlight and she hates lily because thanks to her crystal has no chance with the captain of the quidditch team. I had very little tolerance for crystal as she did with me.

"McGonagall was just checking up to make sure I was settling in alright. Have you seen lily?" I asked.

"She went to the library a while ago." She spoke slowly towards the end as she caught on that Crystal was glaring daggers at her.

"Thanks."

I picked some clothes out of my drawers and went into the bathroom to get changed but was shocked to see the time on the clock. I had only fifteen minutes until the meeting started and I still had to go and see lily. I had to tell her I would be back late otherwise she would worry. I had told her time and time again not to but she still did.

I left the room very quickly not even sparing time to roll my eyes at Crystal. I walked into he library and made my way to the back where the arithmacy books were. I knew this is where lily always studied.

I turned a shelf but stopped when I saw lily was not alone. She was with a boy I knew to be called Severus Snape. I was confused and concerned. Snape was a friend of Tudors but not only that, Tudor had a respect for him which instantly meant I was wary. I did not like Snape for a number of reasons mainly I could not read him. His eyes were black and emotionless but guarded also. I never saw any feelings in them and I hated that. But the thing that really confused me about him was that even though he showed no emotion to me there was something in his presence that indicated hostility.

Why on earth was lily sat with him?

I did not go over for that would show me and lily as friends and I could not show that to someone so close to my brother.

"Disgusting isn't it." Someone spat darkly from behind me. I turned to see potter who was glaring at Snape with a level of hatred that shocked me.

"What?" I asked slowly.

His hazel eyes snapped to mine "Them." His gaze was very hard but became almost hesitant as he glanced from his obsession to me. "You and Lily are friends right?" His eyes held a question. "Well friends talk about…things." His words were heavy and implying but I couldn't not for the life of me work out where this was going. He sighed realizing that his silent questions were not being understood. "Does she…you know..." He closed his eyes "Fancy him?" The words seemed to cause him pain and threw me.

Lily had common sense in abundance so the mere thought of her making such a foolish attachment in my mind was ludicrous. As for potter's attitude, I was uncertain. Did he care for lily seriously or was he just a drama queen.

"I am not aware of any attraction on her part." I said slowly frowning. His hazel eyes ripped open and I actually thought I saw a spark fly from them. He beamed at me before quickly kissing my cheek and running off around the bookshelves dancing with the librarian screeching at him.

Apparently James potter was as I thought. A drama queen.

To be fair it was quite an amusing sight. I couldn't stop the corners of my mouth twitching as I saw him trip over a stack of books, his grin still firmly in place.

To my left I saw Remus lupin chuckling softly. The fond look in his eyes indicated to me that this was not the first theatrical display potter had given.

"He is rather odd isn't he?" I mused as he smiled happily to the librarian who had caught him and was now scolding him with such fury I was impressed with his composure.

"Yes he is." Remus said seriously. "In fact I think there's something wrong in the boys head if you ask me." I smiled at his humor and glanced to see lily and Snape going back to what appeared to be essays. They both looked annoyed and appalled at potter's performance.

"Remus you couldn't do me a favor could you?"

"Depends on the favor." He said reasonably.

"Could you tell lily I might be back late tonight? I'd tell her myself but I'm not liking the look of that Snape." I confessed which apparently amused him.

"I'll let her know." He said kindly.

"Thank you." I said gratefully. I was shocked at my own actions. It was very unusual for me to tell someone so freely that I would be disappearing tonight. But I knew Remus wouldn't tell anyone other than lily, he would never intentionally cause disruption for anyone I think.

I hurried out of the library after seeing the time on the old wooden clock. It was ten past Eight and so I was ten minutes late already. Damn the castle for being so big!

As I turned a corner I saw Bellatrix walking with Nott. Immediately I went behind a statue of some famous warlock or other and prayed they would pass quickly. I really wasn't in the mood to talk my way out of spending time with Bellatrix right then.

I could hear them both discussing a girl in huffelpuff who had caused bellatrix offence. Poor girl.

When they had finally taken their own sweet time and left the corridor I emerged from my hiding place and once more made my way to Albus's office. I stopped infront of the imposing gargoyle minutes later.

"Liquorice wand." I said to the stone creature, seconds later it had moved to reveal a spiral staircase that led to the headmaster's office. After looking around the corridor to make sure I was definitely alone, I entered the opening and stepped onto the staircase as it twisted upwards towards the office door.

Gently I knocked on the overly large door then waited for a reply.

The door was swung open by Alastor moody. His electric blue eyes surveyed me before he spoke in his low growl. "Your seventeen minutes late."

"Its nice to see you too Mad Eye." I said sarcastically side stepping him to enter the office. He gave a small grunting sound which I knew was as good as a smile where he was concerned.

"Bit quite isn't it?" I pointed out observing the empty office.

"Sarcasm is not your friend Veronica." Mad eye said. I smirked at him. Mad eye was strict and ordered, he wasn't a massive supporter of my ways but he never outright said that which I was thankful for because usually he was very blunt with other people. Though mad eye was grizzly, routined and sometimes marginally condescending, he knew what he was talking about and I had an enormous respect for the man.

"Everyone is in there." He said and clunked over to one of the doors leading off the office. I followed his lead frowning as I had never actually seen this door before in my life but apparently it was quite real as mad eye opened it to reveal a small hall like room inside. There was a large light wooden table in the centre of the room with chairs lining its edges, the table took up nearly the entire space but there was a large fireplace at the foot of the table that threw the room into light.

The table itself was covered in different rolls of parchment which people I faintly recognized pored over. I knew almost every member of the order but not well at all. Only a handful of people I was well acquainted with. As my eyes scanned the people I was caught off guard when someone hugged me. When I pulled away I saw my uncle smiling down at me.

My Uncle Jack was almost the opposite of his brother. He was attractive but it was not necessarily his looks but more his charm which he had in abundance. Jack had Brown hair and a very muscular build, much like Troy's actually. He had brown/green eyes and he looked…in the oddest way almost brutal though he wasn't. There was a strong intimidating thing about my uncle's appearance that I could never really place but I put it down to the fact that even though a blood traitor he was still my fathers brother and my grandfathers son so it was almost inevitable he would inherit something that set him apart.

Though Jack smiled at me there was a very strong concern in his eyes.

"Well someone's grown up."

"You only saw me a few months ago." I pointed out.

"You know you're starting to look like your grandmother." He said ignoring my comment.

"Which one?" I asked amused.

"My mother." He said in an obvious way. "Yeah I think you've got her hair." He mused touching a fallen curl. I frowned. Brilliant the one thing I had that wasn't connected to any family member and now he's taken it away.

"Oh thanks. Now officially every part of my body has been inherited!" I huffed in a very sulky way.

"What?" He chuckled. I glared at him which just made him outright laugh. Before I knew what was happening I was being shuffled to the side by Amy potter.

"How are you Ronnie, oh I am sorry I haven't been in touch in so long but everything has just been so hectic! Oh but look at you." She said impressed "You have gotten very pretty." Amy said fondly.

I found it odd that not a few minutes ago I was watching her son make a spectacle of himself and now I was talking so informally with her. Amy was about her mid 40's; she was a very friendly warm woman who had her son's eyes. She was petite at roughly 5.3 and had light blonde hair.

As Amy opened her mouth to speak again Albus cut her off by asking everyone to sit down. I was already sat down with Amy and the seat on my other side was occupied by my uncle. Upon seeing me Minerva looked extremely relieved for some reason and it was not until she spoke I realized why.

"Veronica I was beginning to worry when you were late as I hadn't seen you since Black left."

"Black?" Jack cut in sharply. I was surprised she had not mentioned it.

"Orion Black yes he came to visit." Minerva explained to him to which jack snapped his head to me his concern intensifying.

"What did Black want?" Asked a woman a recognized to be called Dorcas Meadows.

"He was just checking up on me, it was nothing important." I said as carelessly as I could. I didn't want to have the discussion about my situation until much later when I had settled in a bit more to my surroundings. Jack was clearly about to carry it on but I cut him off quickly.

"It doesn't matter just now." My tone was firm. Thankfully mad eye saved me by standing up and addressing the first issue.

"We can discuss all of that later. I would like to start on a subject that I think we need to address quickly. I have been made aware as I am sure many of you have that Tyler Bullstrode was reported missing in May, there is still been no evidence of his whereabouts found and as an unspeakable at the ministry I think this could be of extreme importance." Mad eyes voice was blocked from my head as I spotted a picture of a man infront of him.

The had seen him before very briefly, I saw him as he was brought to my home but I never saw him leave. I eavesdropped and found out that the man in question had been brought from malfoy manor to my home where he was eventually killed. I didn't know why and I didn't know how but I knew he was dead.

"Is that him mad eye?" I asked him pointing to the photo in front of him.

"Yes it is, do you know him?" He asked.

"He's dead." I said regretfully. "When he was taken I think he was held at malfoy manor but in July he was brought to my home and he was killed there. I don't know what they did to him but whatever he did they didn't seem pleased. The men I overheard sounded disappointed and angry." My voice was toneless as it always was when I had to tell them things like this. It was wrong and messed up that at this point I could emotionally detach myself from such things. At 16 that can't be right.

There was a moment where no one spoke but I raised my eyes from the picture to look at a man I did not recognize sitting across from me who was giving me a very hard look.

"There doesn't seem to be any infiltration in the department of mysteries so I doubt he told them anything." Muttered mad eye and by the look in his functioning eye I could tell he was able to emotionally detach himself also. "Do you know when this was and do you have any idea where the body may be Ronnie?"

His voice didn't change but I knew he was trying to be sensitive for he called me Ronnie which he doesn't usually do.

"It was about mid July when I heard them speaking about him, as for his body…" I thought for a moment "Well from what I heard their making inferi so possibly that, but if not they could have just burnt it."

"Inferi? They are making inferi?" Asked Marlene McKinnon looking thoroughly disgusted.

"Yes." My reply was short but it was enough.

"When did this start?" Albus asked me his gentle voice distinctive.

"From what I can gather, roughly late last year, perhaps November…" I was cut off.

"November?" The man sat opposite me who had been giving me a hard look before interrupted. "That's almost a year ago. Why has it taken so long for you to tell us?" The man had an attractive appearance and only appeared to be about…say early thirties, I didn't know him. His crystal blue eyes had a very strong emotion in them that I couldn't place. However I could place the tone of his voice though, it was sharp and held and edge.

"I only found out this summer." My voice even made me feel cold. He looked back at me and the unreadable emotion in his eyes became apparent as it grew. Hatred. A very strong hatred and a suspicion. "You are?" I inquired becoming extremely alert.

"Osias Cardel." The man replied.

_No hostility and yet such anger._

_How odd. _

_How unnerving._

Cardel? Cardel? That was not a name that I recognized. Osias, as he was called, was still looking at me with now another emotion. Distrust. Hmm?

"Well Osias is there a reason why you hate me so much?" Blunt, forward.

Quicker.

"Hate you? Whatever gave you that impression?" He asked his eyes not leaving me even for a moment. Jack was glaring at him from beside me and other members of the order seemed…on edge? But it was not I that caused the unease, without looking I could almost feel Amy's apprehension as to what this Osias was doing.

"Okay then." I settled not wanting to push for a result. "Then perhaps you could inform me as to why you seem so suspicious of me?"

"You want a reason." Osias asked darkly amused.

"Yes." Very sharp.

"Osias…" Minerva said sounding weary. My curiosity heightened. Who was this man?

"You're a phoenix. "He said ignoring the looks he was getting. It clicked.

"And?" Jack snarled his control snapping I could tell. Osias completely ignored him his eyes fixated upon mine. My judgment of him was low, very low. Almost as soon as he gave his reason I realized why he had such ill will towards me. My guess was that my father or perhaps even another member of my family had done something that hurt him or someone he cared for. In result his anger was not only directed at my father but also at those connected with him.

It was one of society's biggest faults, to blame a person for the sins of their fathers.

"You know your eyes are remarkably similar to your father's." Osias pointed out clearly trying to get some rise. Unfortunately for me the comparison stirred an irritation in my stomach but I didn't let on at all.

"I am aware of that." I replied shortly "Don't expect me to ask you now how you know what my father eyes looks like." His comment apparently went deeper than I thought for I found myself saying quite cold things "For I know that's what you want. You want me to ask and then you can tell me a sad story on what he has done to you and try and make me feel some guilt for something completely unrelated to me. I don't want to know what he's done to you because quite frankly I don't care." My words were harsh but correct as I saw his blue eyes tighten.

"My, my aren't we malicious." I could feel Jack getting angrier so decided to end his childish taunts.

"Malicious? I am not the one making hurtful comments to a girl half my age hoping to get some kind of reaction." I said indifferently pulling my eyes away from his to look at Albus and answer his earlier question. "All I know about the inferi is that Theodore Nott started experimenting last year and from what I can tell the idea caught on and other members became involved. The bodies are mainly that of muggle's and they are being held in a lake but I have no idea where." Emotionless and perhaps frosty. That wasn't intended but my words were still tinted with the suppressed emotion's I was feeling towards the man still glaring at me.

I distracted myself by letting my minds eye skim through memories of conversations I have overheard and try and pin point something to specify the lakes location.

It was an hour later, after sifting through depressing subjects one after the other, that the horribly familiar feeling came through my unfeeling walls. I listened intently aiding when I could but after that first hour was up the fact placed itself in my head.

My father was doing this.

The man who gave me the eyes I saw with, the man who…well created me. No matter how cold and insensitive I make myself be, it still stung to think those words.

But it wasn't up. No, I had to wait yet another hour whilst this stinging turned to an ache before the subject turned to me just like I knew it would.

"I'm not going to get personal with this." Thank god it was mad eye who broached the subject. I knew he wouldn't get all sensitive and hopefully look at this rationally like he always did. "And I know you don't really want to be talking about this but from a strictly formal point of view we need to know whats happening Ronnie." Bless him.

"Well what exactly would you like to know?"

"How all this has been taken."

I thought about my words "I'll be fine until Christmas. Everyone here had taken cue from Tudor who it appears forgives me. As long as Tudor still believes me I'll be fine." My tone changed ever so slightly "However it's my fathers reaction that really matters but I won't know what that is until I have to go back fro Christmas. I convinced Orion I know that much but…my fathers unpredictable I don't what how he's going to react."

"Then I think we seriously need to consider if this can carry on." Said Henry Potter firmly.

"Carry on?" I frowned.

"Ron." Jack said softly his dark eyes held a plea "There has always been a risk but not a high one because they trusted you so much. But now…Ron you know whats he's like" His voice was lower so that only I was the one that could really hear him "About loyalty. And you know how he feels about Gryffindor. Do you honestly think you can win his trust back?" He asked gently.

I thought about my answer. "Veronica we have to put your safety first." Albus said. I sighed before speaking.

"I found something out recently." I explained "This Christmas there's going to be an…" I pondered for an appropriate word. "Initiation of sorts. An initiation as this year there are a lot of sons turning of age." I explained. "Everyone will be there." I breathed tonelessly. The knife called guilt stabbed at my chest "all the families, all in the same place at the same time."

"What does this initiation entail?" Someone asked. I had everyone's attention.

"I don't know details but I do know that my father won't be testing them on how good they are at flying." I said sarcastically. "You wanted your opportunity. Well I'm giving it to you. I'll find out as much as I can then at Christmas I can be in there and tell you whats happening. I don't exactly how that's work yet but surely there had to be someway of doing it."

There was a silence.

"So. You're telling me that every single one of them will be in the same building at the same time?" Dorcas asked slowly.

"Yep."

"No. no there not that stupid." Reasoned Edgar bones.

"There in the same place every signal year." I reminded them. "My family throws a massive ball every Christmas only this year it won't just be dancing. Its not stupid, infact it's quite fitting. There will hardly be anyone a the ministry at Christmas and even if someone there got an idea to go and try and get into the house they would never obtain a warrant for my father has too many connections at the ministry to allow that."

"So how do you propose we get in?"

"I don't know." I sighed exasperated. "My god I'm not even of age and you want me to give you a detailed plan? I can give you any information you need on things like location, time and all that but the rest is down to you lot. Do you think you can deal with that?" I was only supposed to be a spy and now they wanted me to be a little auror all of a sudden.

"How does this fit in with what we are going to do about you being in Gryffindor?" Asked Jack firmly.

"Well…Tudor will be writing to my father so if I play this right and make Tudor trust me completely then maybe my father wont react too badly." I tried to convince "He listens to Tudor." I explained to my uncle "So if I spend the next three months making them trust me and finding out everything I can then it'll work." I pressed with conviction "Your not going to get a chance like this again and surely the sooner the better?"

I waited for the response but everyone seemed deep in thought.

Marlene broke the silence. "You know she's right. We won't get a better opportunity than this and the more we stall the worse it gets." Thank god sense finally.

"No." Jack said to me, I raised an eyebrow in question "Your not going back there Ron."

"Yes I am."

"I won't let you."

"Well you can't stop me." He glared back at me.

Jack hated me being in the order, hated that I didn't floo to him instead of Albus all those years ago. He worried about me I knew that, but surely even he could see that this had to be done.

"This all sounds very easy in theory but do you really think it will be that simple?"

"I never said it would be simple." I said darkly "But its necessary so please can you stop being so negative."

Jack held my gaze for a while before settling on an irritated glare. "You do what you're told. You don't do your own thing, do you understand. And if at any point it goes wrong it stops."

"Fine." I gave in reluctantly.

"You do know how complex this is going to be veronica?" Mad eyes low growl floated to me "Its all well and good you telling us you will do as we say but you need to mean it. You need to listen to us."

"I will."

"Albus what do you think?" Mad eye asked my headmaster. I then noticed Albus was giving me a piercing look. I saw the division in his eyes when he answered.

"It can be done and yes if done correctly it could work." He said very gently "However once done it can't be undone, you need to know that Veronica. You need to understand the seriousness of this." Albus spoke like I was the only one in the room.

I knew. I knew what this meant but I wanted it over, no, I needed it over. I couldn't take much more of this and this was the only way it would end.

"I'll do whatever I have to, to make this stop."

**It gets a bit weird at the end doesn't it? I'm sorry, I'm just so tired!**

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	12. Refusal

**Hope this chapter is readable, enjoy!**

The corridors were empty and cold as I walked back from the slytherin common room. I was tired after spending time with, yet again, Bellatrix. The girl was really beginning to get on my nerves yet she was almost as observant as I was and never missed a thing so being 'close' with her meant that I found things out which, as I am sure is obvious, works greatly to my advantage.

My 'act' was holding up pretty well. The more time I spent with the slytherin's the easier it became to interact for I knew their characters and could predict their actions, however it wasn't until I started walking back to my own common room, like I was, that I realized just how much energy it took out of me.

It is not as easy as it may appear to be constantly alert with a reflex lie at on the tip of your tongue just in case.

That night though I was relieved in a way for I was meeting lily down in the kitchens to 'have a break' as she put it.

Lily had become my outlet. I had rather shamefully given into the temptation of a good friend and she was my…time out shall we say. Every night when I came back and was fed up lily would cheer me up. She was like my little ray of hope.

I let out a small sigh as I turned a corner in the corridor but the sigh quickly turned into a gasp as I felt a force on my arm that pulled me into a pitch dark room.

Immediately I went for my wand on instinct but before my fingers had even wrapped around the wood the room lit up. Instantly my eyes went to the only other person.

Sirius. Black.

"What the hell are you playing at?" I snapped angrily, dragging my elbow from his grasp.

Ah. There it was. That god damn look! That infuriatingly calm and cool look that he always had in his eyes. I hated it. Let's just wait for the- yep and there we go! The second my eyes connected with his, he tensed. He appeared relaxed as that was the feeling he gave off but I could see it. The way his jaw was, the way he held himself. Like looking at me frustrated him. Twat.

"Well I had to talk to you somehow." Sirius said his voice very smooth as always.

"Oh well that explains it." I said tonelessly "Yes, thank you black for your explanatory explanation." I snapped, knowing that I was probably making little sense but not caring too much.

He raised an eyebrow at casually leaning on the locked door.

Locked?

He locked me in!

The boy had a death wish!

"What do you want?" I asked coldly.

Sirius and I had, had little, if any interaction since the night I sent the letter to my father, over a month ago. After our 'discussion' he did not speak with me again or make any effort to do so. He did however, watch me sometimes. Sounds odd yes but it was what he did. Not constantly but some times when we were in the same class or even at meals I could feel his eyes on me, cool, calm and careless eyes but as soon as I even glanced at him he tensed. Agitation and frustration were two emotions I very frequently saw in his body language.

"I want to talk to you. I want to sort this out." I recognized the last part was aid more to himself than me.

"What is it that you want to sort out Black?" I asked him calmly, which I think is rather impressive seeing as I had just been dragged then trapped into an empty unused classroom.

"You know what." His calm eyes snapped to a glare shocking me.

"No." I said slowly "I really don't." I really was genuinely confused.

He gave a short humorless chuckle that lasted less than two seconds before closing his eyes and looking away from me like he was in some kind of pain.

"This act." Sirius said through gritted teeth. His actions set me on edge and yet I had to reply.

"Act?" I had to force my icy tone. His eyes snapped open to look at me and I swear to god they were almost blazing with a fire.

"Yes act." His voice got louder "Your little princess pureblood act! It bothered me but I thought, you know what you're probably having some serious issues with being in Gryffindor and everything so I decided to give you some space but you only got worse! We need to sort out whatever mental crisis you are clearly having!"

"Mental crisis! Have you lost your mind?" I yelled at him. I didn't like him making assumptions. I mean I am not an 11 year old girl anymore. He doesn't know me. Why does he have to complicate things?

"Who knows maybe?" There was a note of hysteria in his eyes so he closed them and took a deep breathe. "I can see it V. I can see it when you're with Evans. The weariness, the stress, the pressure. What I don't get is why? Why are you putting yourself through this?" He opened his eyes now and I saw the rain pouring down in the storm within the grey orbs. I saw the hurt and the pain. "Don't I even get an explanation?"

I was completely caught of guard by what he said and how he acted. For a moment I didn't say anything, there was no reflex lie ready to be heard, no instinctive comeback because that doesn't happen when I actually feel the words. It doesn't happen when the words that our spoken actually mean something to me.

I owed him closure at least. No mater how I looked at this I was a big part of his childhood and that would never go away.

"Fine." I said my voice calm as I sat down on the edge of a desk. "What would you like an explanation for?"

"What happened to you?" Was his instant question. He sat down beside me on the desk and I found that I wasn't comfortable with our proximity in the slightest.

"I grew up." I tried t sound stand offish but I failed dismally.

"No. No V I grew up, you though…something's wrong. Something happened. Don't try and lie to me because I can see it. I can see these walls that keep me out. The walls that keep you locked away." I felt…edgy, very edgy. He talked to me in such a familiar way; he was calling me V which is what he called me when we were kids. More importantly though, he was seeing things, things that I had tried to keep hidden for so long.

"Sirius, I don't know what you want me to say. I grew up that's all. Of course I've changed, everyone changes. Think about what you were like at 11. "I sighed "I'm not going to deny that maybe I've become slightly more guarded but that just common sense Sirius. Look, I apologize if you're disappointed that I'm not that little girl anymore, really I am but that girls gone. Dead and gone. This is me now so…so just accept it and walk away." I said my voice coming out wearier that I meant. I stood up from where I sat, making my way towards the door only to be met with an arm blocking my path.

"Okay fine. You're not that little girl anymore I get it but you're not this." Sirius looked me up and down. "You're not some heartless ice princess who looks down on everyone. You'll never be that, so don't insult me by trying to make out like you agree with all the magical cleaning, blood purity idiocy." The frustration had returned along with an accusing tone.

"Don't act like you know me!" I snapped loudly at him. "Don't pretend like you understand anything about my life. I changed!" I grew tired of saying that "I changed and so did my morals!" I went to get out of the hollow room that felt like a prison but he had other ideas. Almost as though a replay of our previous encounter he put an arm either side of my body, trapping me to the stone wall. This time was different though, I could push him away but it wasn't his arms that trapped me there. it was his eyes that pinned me to that wall.

I didn't like that. I didn't like that at all.

"Make me understand." Sirius said an intensity creeping into his eyes that made my throat tighten. I stared into his eyes as the silence fell. And I saw the emotion, I saw the raw emotions that ripped through his iris's like lightening, anger, frustration, desperation, hurt, pain but the one that really stuck out to me was a gentle emotion, an emotion that shouldn't have fit and yet it did.

I tensed as I felt my resolve weaken dramatically. It was a reflex and he noticed.

"How can you be more or less friends with Remus and James yet you completely blank me?" Sirius asked urgently.

I just stared back at him defiantly because I didn't have an answer. My mind was going too fast. If he could see my weariness could he see to her things? What could he see in my eyes now?

"How can you be friends with Evans if you're so cold and superior? You act like the rest of your family but your friends with a muggleborn!" The urgency had reached a different point now. My mind was going too quickly to think in words it was now emotions. I was feeling emotions hit down on my heart like raindrops but his eyes wouldn't let me put up anything to stop them. They wouldn't let me look away.

"Just answer me this one question, V. Your friends with a muggleborn so you can't use the excuse that I'm a blood traitor, why are you being like this towards me?" His tone was pleading, the hurt in his eyes ripped through my chest.

"I…." I closed my mouth. My heart hurt. I couldn't tell him the real reason and yet I didn't have a ready one. I should have, I should have thought about this happening. But I didn't and I he had backed me literally into a corner.

"Because you weren't there." Were the words that left my mouth before I could stop them. The shock of what I said numbed out all the other emotions I felt.

He frowned "What?"

Where the hell did that come from!? I cannot believe I just said that!

I felt trapped by his eyes. Pinning me there to that cold stone wall. Of course I wanted him back. Of course wanted to tell him, I wanted him to fix it, I wanted him to tell me everything would be okay because if eh said it I may believe it.

Yet I couldn't and that alone tore me apart. But even worse I couldn't help him. I couldn't make his pain go away.

"Sirius just let me go." I said finally closing my eyes in an attempt to block out the intensity of his presence.

"Not until you tell me what you meant."

"Sirius…."

"No Veronica, what does that mean? That I wasn't there?" He yelled moving his hands from either side of my waist to either side of my head.

The fierce tone in his voice startled me but when I opened my eyes I saw him look anything but fierce.

"Just…" I breathed in "Well what were you expecting Sirius?! We haven't seen each other in 6 years; you haven't been there for six years! You never once tried to contact me and then I find out that you've run away! So what did you expect for me to come here and for things to be the way they used to?"

"You never tried to contact me either."

I was getting really sick of him leaving me with no comeback.

"Oh that's right blame me! This isn't about me!"

"It's all about you! Why wont you just tell me what happened? Fair enough you grew up but you didn't transform! Your still you! So why the hell are you acting like this." We were going around in circles he was getting angry now instead of frustrated and he was yelling again. I hated him yelling especially at me.

"Well I'm just living up to expectations!" I yelled back.

"What?" He asked clearly confused.

"Do you not remember what you called me? Weak pathetic coward I think it was! No wonder I'm acting like this!" My words took him aback. Ha, now he knows how it feels.

A few moments passed until he spoke.

"I didn't mean to say that, I was angry." Sirius whispered.

"Is that an apology?" I pressed, a trace of a smile played around his lips.

"Yes. I'm sorry." It was sincere, he meant it and yet I still turned my face away like a stubborn child.

"Well I see no reason to accept." Yeah I was being very childish but he wanted the old me back and here she was.

One of his arms fell from its place one the wall and went to my chin, gently turning it to face him. I almost faltered when he touched me. A smile tugged at his lips and his eyes danced in amusement.

"Come one V, its not everyday I apologize you know." He teased.

It happened so quickly I barely saw it. The amusement in his eyes had turned to something else and now the stormy grey was darker, the intensity of his gaze meant something different than what it had moments before. A tingling shock moved down my spine when he softly brushed a lock of hair form my face.

"Sirius…" I started warningly but I was cut off by his lips pressing into my own.

_Wrong, wrong, wrong. Messing with his head. Wrong._

The words were getting quieter as his lips moved against mine. It felt good. It felt really good and I couldn't push him away. He was taking away my rational thought and before I knew what was happening I was kissing him back.

Hard.

I felt one of his arms wrap itself around my waist and pull me against his body tightly, his other hand wove itself into my hair. all the pain I had felt moments before slipped away from em as he held em to him.

He felt right, he tasted right. I moved my hand up his toned arm as my brain cells screamed at me to pull away from the person I was trying to hate but my body wasn't listening. I heard him let out a mix between a growl and a moan as my long nails very gently brushed against his chest and when he tongue softly lapped at my lips I realized what it was I was doing.

I was potentially ruining everything for teenage lust. Not only that but I was hurting him in the process.

I pulled away sharply my breathing heavy. The second his lips left mine a shock went from my stomach to my heart. A painful shock.

"We can't do this." I breathed not looking at his eyes. I was pressed against the wall with one of his arms around my waist protecting me from the stone and his other hand was still in my hair.

My body wanted to kiss him again, hell my entire being wanted to kiss him again but my wants didn't come into this. No. this had to be done.

_For his sake if anything. _

When I had collected myself enough I looked up at him. I had to bite my lips to stop myself from jumping him.

Stupid hormones!

_If you leave he may not follow._

Then I would have to leave his grasp. I want really warming to the idea.

"V…" cut him off.

"Sirius I mean it. We can't." I said very firmly regaining my composure. I gently pulled away from his body and moved so that I was standing in front of the locked door.

I felt strangely cold without his body heat washing over me.

His arm supported his weight as he leant it against the wall looking down with a clenched jaw. "Why?" He growled out.

"You know why Sirius." I sighed. I hated this. I really, really hated this.

"No I don't." He said shaking his head still not looking at me.

This got me irrationally angry for some reason.

"I will not ruin my already fragile relationship with my family for some teenage lust!" I shouted with conviction.

He looked up at me slowly and when his eyes met mine the pain on my heart returned. If I thought his eyes were intense before it was nothing compared to now. I actually believed that if he looked that way at some glass object he would shatter it. I don't know how long he looked at me; all I know is that I couldn't breathe.

"Teenage lust?" He whispered through gritted teeth, each word he spoke was like a siren after years of silence.

"Or momentary lapse in hormone control, however you want to look at it." My eyes held no emotion either; they were just trapped with his. My voice though was breathless.

_Get a grip Ronnie._

So I did and I broke his gaze. I felt like in that moment he had ripped something out of me with his eyes but I held up. My tone icy, my face empty, mask in place.

"I will ask you once more Black. Leave me alone."

I didn't get my moment to feel guilty as he showed no hurt. That intense look was still there and though I only glanced at it for a second it shook me. Sirius walked until he stood only inches from me then I heard his voice softly utter one word.

"No."

He was gone almost instantly after leaving me almost trembling from the overwhelming emotions ripping through me.

No?

No?

I replayed that word over and over in my head.

What the hell did no mean!?

I raised a hand unconsciously to my still tingling lips, remembering the way they had felt moments before with Sirius kissing me. The way his lips pressed into my own.

Why did he have to be so…there isn't actually a word for Sirius Black! How the hell could he mess with my emotions like that when most people saw nothing but stone when they looked at me?

**So there was some sirius and ronnie interaction! **

**I would also really like to thank Tori, anne90 and punk rocker fairy for reviewing!**

**This chapter was so for you three!**

**The next chapter will be up soon and i promise things will happen, i mean like important things.**

**There will be talks, walks and also Ronnie will be transforming at some point. Why will she be transforming i hear you ask, well there will be an attack!**

**Damn right you are curious!**

**If you want to know what happens then press the review button!! Please :):):)**

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	13. Caught In Her Flames

**I know I said this would be a Lily and Ronnie chapter but I promise that one will be next! I just thought that I should write a Sirius POV so we could all see what he's thinking. It's not very long but at least you can see what's going on in his head.**

I threw my down onto a padded armchair that lay in the room of requirement. I was beyond tired of her having this damn affect on me. Making emotions run throw me so quickly I didn't even know what they were.

Why was she doing this? Why was I letting her do this? Why couldn't I just do as she asked and walk away?

Flashes of her face went through my mind as I raised my hands to my still tingling lips.

The horribly familiar anger went through me as my frustration escalated and I sent my fist crashing down onto the arm of the chair.

I jammed my eyes closed and slouched down into the chair frustrated. She was there every single day, in my head. Twisting cords and pressing buttons. It was driving me to insanity. I hated the affect she had on me. Hated the way she made me think.

I was a careless person infact recently I was a reasonably happy person. Hell, I was young. Why should I take life too seriously when I could just have some fun?

But she wouldn't allow that would she, oh no. She had to come out of the mist and tear everything apart. Tear me apart.

I had know the second that Moony told me she was here that she would be different now. Of course she would. It had been six years how could she not? But I hadn't expected this. I hadn't expected a transformation on this scale.

She was no longer my V.

All that happiness, all that energy, all that playfulness, gone. Only to be replaced by things I'd never thought I'd see in her.

She was Colder now, harsher. Aloof. Yes that was the perfect word. Aloof. Distant with an air of something more. Something you can never get close to. It was in the way she moved, the way she spoke, even the way she observed things was disconnected. A calculating indifference.

That was the thing that troubled me though. How? What happened to my V to make this one? There was something. Something keeping her from me.

Yet, all this taken into account there was still this voice in the back of my head asking the same question. Could I really be sure? It had been so long could I really justify my objections?

There were other sides to her, besides just the one with me. The act she held with her brothers. Her perfect pureblood act. It was intriguing how she changed. In everyday life her presence was like I explained, disconnected, aloof but with the slytherin's it was…it sounds odd but gracefully superior.

But the side to her that captured my attention most was the one she had with Evans. That was the one that really bothered me.

I'd find myself watching her with out even thinking about it, in the common room or in some classes. I'd watch the way she interacted with Evans and at first it merely irritated me. Slowly though it began to anger me, then upset me but now it concerned me. Because even with Evans she was off. Something wasn't right.

The smiles never reached her eyes.

My jaw clenched as the all too familiar overwhelming feelings began to persist.

How could she do this to me? Betray me like this? Lie to me like this? Couldn't she see how much it hurt? How deep it hurt?

She spoke with Evans, Remus and even James. Does she speak with me? Like hell she does. In fact she's colder with me than anyone.

I felt a stab run through my chest as I thought of the way she looked at me. She'd slam her shutters down and when I tried to pry it up she would jam them down tighter.

She was my best friend. Even as a child she meant more to me than anything. For six whole years I saw her three times a week at the very least. Then nothing. Nothing for six years. I had missed her horribly in that time and now she was here and yet she wasn't.

I just wanted her back. Wanted my V back.

Mentality however was not the only change that had occurred over the years. There had been a dramatic turn in her physical appearance.

The girl I remembered was the picture of innocence. Light gold hair in perfect ringlets, sparkling blue eyes. She was very much like a perfect porcelain doll in some ways.

I was given a big shock when I walked down the stairs at the start of term and was faced with her current image. Her hair had gotten darker, now a dark metallic gold that stood out against her ivory skin. She had clearly inherited the looks her mother was set on her getting. Her figure was much like that of her mothers but V seemed more…delicate. Fragile almost. It would be quite easy for someone to underestimate her but looks alone.

All in all since our last meeting she had grown very beautiful.

I had found that I kept watching unconsciously, almost captivated. What was I saying almost? I was captivated. It was her eyes. They were like hooks, dragging you into her flames and refusing to let you out. It was dangerous talent to have.

Dangerous for people like me that is.

The laughable thing was that she asked me to stay away. How the hell could I do that? What did she want me to do sit by and watch whilst she broke? I could never do that.

I wouldn't ever do that.

I hadn't meant to kiss her. But when I was in that room with her, something just…snapped. It was almost like there was a thread and it finally split.

I breathed in deep standing up from the chair after I glanced at my watch. I realized how long had past since I entered the room. I wasn't even surprised at the duration of my stay; it wasn't like I hadn't grown accustomed to her mental intrusions anymore.

I wasn't sure exactly what it was I had caught myself up in yet. All I knew is that I had to try and fix the situation I had found myself dragged into.

The problem was that I had no idea where to start.

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	14. Access

**So this chapter is about lily and Ronnie. **

**I hope its ok.**

**Enjoy!**

_What a wanker. Seriously who did he think he was? Lecturing me, making assumptions, kissing me and then refusing to back off._

I mentally vented my frustration as I walked down the stairs to meet lily, a large sigh escaped me for the millionth time that day as I approached the large painting of fruit.

_Why was it affecting me so much? No, actually why was I _letting _it affect me so much? _

_Okay simple. I just won't let it. Yes. I refuse to let Sirius Black have control over my feelings._

During making my resolution I faintly noticed myself walking into the kitchen but my actions became apparent to me as I was bombarded with tiny little houselves. It always astounded me just how many there were.

Once explaining I was meeting a friend, they got rather excited and the next thing I knew I was being carried in a wave of little creatures towards a laughing redhead.

"When did you get here?" I questioned sitting down at the small circular table.

"Been here ages. Your twenty minutes late." She told me but no anger whatsoever. She seemed quiet hyper to me.

"I'm so sorry." I sincerely said "I must have completely lost track of time…" I apologized but my explanation was cut short by lily's small hand covering my mouth.

My eyed widened in shock but she merely smiled sweetly in response.

"I don't want an explanation. I'm not mad. Besides you'll only end up talking about how much you hate troy." She was right. When I complain it always came back to my sadistic brother for some reason. Lily obviously thought I was late because I was held up by the slytherin's; of course she was quiet mistaken. But I didn't think that then was the right time to talk about my dysfunctional relationship with my ex best friend.

"I've been thinking." Lily started eye's shining "I've decided we don't know each other too well, so I have decided that in order to become better acquainted we shall play 20 questions!" Lily said like she had just found the cure for dragon pox.

"20 questions?" I repeated slowly.

"20 questions" This time actually clapping her hands with excitement.

I couldn't stop the small laugh that came from seeing all the sweet wrappers that littered the table.

"My, my someone's sugar high." Oh I rhymed. "Lily how many of these have you had?" I asked laughing as I picked up an empty chocolate frog box.

"Oh a few" She answered waving a hand carelessly. "But that doesn't matter, what matters is the game!" She whined.

"Okay" I agreed "Ask me some questions then?" I found a smile on my face. Lily's happy moods were infectious.

"Yay! Right first question…." She said thoughtfully looking up in a thinking pose.

"For someone who has been so excited about this you don't seem very prepared." I teased picking a strawberry Liquorice wand from lily's rather large basket of sweets.

I laughed at lily's response which was sticking her yellow stained tongue out at me.

"Oh I've got one!" she shrieked suddenly making me jump. "What is your worst fear?"

"Oh how original." I teased again only to be answered with a shower of flavored beans. "Fine I'll play along." I thought about my answer. I wasn't going to make this conversation heavy so I thought about my most normal fear.

"I suppose it's probably spiders as childish as that sounds. I hate them" I shivered at the mere thought of the horrible things "When I was seven years old me and my cousin Azreal were playing hide and seek. I rounded this hedge and walked straight into this massive spider's web which the spider was right in the centre of. Well at seven you don't really think rationally so I got myself tangled in it with the spider crawling all over me" I took a deep breathe getting worked up just thinking about it "I ended up jumping into the pond just to get it off." I smiled as I went on "I swear my mother almost had a fit when I walked in soaking wet."

"Aww." Lily said sympathetically but the laughing ruined the affect. "At least that a normal fear though" She reasoned.

"Why whats your abnormal fear?"

Lily seemed very reluctant to tell me. "It's really silly."

"Oh come on it can't be that bad. If it helps spiders isn't my only fear." I told her trying to persuade her into telling me "I'm scared of clowns, not too keen on heights, up to a few years ago I was terrified of lightening, I'm so scared of drowning baths make me uneasy, bee's, wasps, any insect that can fly at me, I don't like forests because think someone's going to jump out at me from behind a tree and I also have this irrational fear of people I dot know standing behind me because for some ludicrous reason I think their going to break my spine." I Finished "Wow I really am pathetic." I said realizing just how many things I didn't like.

"Break your spine?" Asked Lily.

"Or my ribs, or my collar bone or my breast bone. I know its stupid but I can barely touch those bones. See! I doubt yours is as stupid as mine." I pointed out.

She rolled her emerald eyes in a defeated way. "Potatoes." She said heavily.

"Potatoes?" I repeated frowning.

"Yes. I'm scared of potatoes." What. The. Hell.

"How can you be scared of potatoes?" I asked slowly.

"I don't know." She said in a rushed voice. "I always have been ever since I was little and we came from holidays and we accidently left some potatoes out before we left so it had tentacle things sticking out all over it." Lily shivered in disgust. "I have a complete breakdown let me tell you, I actually had a panic attack." The corners of my mouth twitched but I refused to allow myself to laugh.

Even though it was probably the most stupid thing I had ever heard in my life.

"Right." She said lightly but with a glare in her eyes "Moving on."

I opened my mouth to say sorry but a small giggle came out at the mental image of a little lily having a tantrum over a potato.

She rolled her eyes at me and then carried on with the questions.

"Ok next question, what is the stupidest thing you have ever done?" Lily asked.

"Oh that's a good question" I thought for a while before remembering a certain incident.

"Well at beaxbatons I had these three really good friends and one day I had what they liked to call, one of my impulsive moments. I decided that I wanted to go canoeing, so after nagging them for ages they finally gave in and off we went. There was this big river a few minutes from the castle so we walked down to it. Now I may have not mentioned that it was in November and that the canoe was bright yellow and looked like a deformed, oversized banana, but still we climbed into it, grabbed our paddles and set off down the river. Since it was soo cold Toni, that's my friends name, she dropped her paddle into the water and in the process of trying to get it back we lost two more, so we only had one left and then to make things 100 times worse it started raining! In the end we had to jump in the water and attempt to swim to shore."

"However we failed dismally and were left in the freezing water screaming about our untimely deaths. Our screaming attracted so much attention that practically the whole school had gathered by the shore to see what the hell was going on. Eventually of course we got out but it was the stupidest most embarrassing thing I have ever been foolish enough to experience. Even though I laugh now at the time it was horrific."

Lily found it funny because she was practically on the floor from laughing. I could hear her mutter something about banana boats as she wiped her tear streaked face.

After about an hour of asking little question's we had finally ended up on bigger things. At this point we were currently debating whether or not your star sign actually meant a thing.

Okay perhaps not that big a topic.

"Right I'm going to guess your star sign!" Lily cried triumphantly like that proved her point.

"Go for it." I said smiling.

She watched me for a few moments before speaking. "Aries."

A small silence fell.

"Lucky guess." I muttered nibbling another fruit wand.

"Ha! I knew it! I told you star signs were accurate."

"How does that prove your point?!"

"Because I guessed you sign by taking your personality into account and you are clearly an Aries. Just like me!" she sung happily. I laughed shaking my head.

"I bet your one of those people that believes in love at first sight and you believe that one day you're magically going to meet your soul mate and spend the rest of your life with your true love in the magical kingdom of fairytales." I said rolling my eyes.

"Pessimist."

"No I'm a realist the two are often confused." I pointed out.

"Come on are you seriously telling me that you don't want to find that perfect person for you?" She asked reasonably.

"No" I replied honestly "Lily I'm too…single minded to be in love with anyone. Seriously you know those guys that girls hate because they don't give them enough attention and are more concerned with their friends than their girlfriends? I'm the female version of that. Honestly I'd end up being that ex girlfriend that damaged them for all future relationships." I said in complete earnest.

"You're exaggerating."

"I'm really not. Also I could never let anyone so anything for me. I swear to god it's bordering OCD. I've got these like little compulsions that are really weird and if a guy got in the way, I'd end up throwing a tantrum or something equally as juvenile."

"You can't do everything on your own."

"I know and yet my brain wont get the message it's a nightmare." I smiled "It's actually a problem. I went out with thus guy for a while last year, his name was Robert and we were friends for years before anything happened. He was pretty much perfect. Perfect grades, funny, attentive, kind, loyal, attractive, I mean the guy literally ticked every possible box and yet I couldn't be with him because I couldn't stand the whole relationship thing. It was too…dependant. Come on if I get the perfect guy and still can't make it work what chance do I have?" I said simply.

"Yeah but he was just stereotypically perfect, that doesn't mean he was perfect for you. With true love it's either there or its not, with him it wasn't. But I believe that there is defiantly someone out there who is perfect for you." She said very confidently. "You just need someone who can…accommodate your personality." She said delicately.

I laughed. "Tell you what, it's a nice night, do you want to go for a walk?" I asked her standing up.

She looked a little taken aback by my sudden suggestion but rose none the less.

"Ok a walk it is." She said linking her arm with my own and walking from the kitchens, which proved hard considering all the house elves.

We walked out into the corridors and started talking about random, topics that meant nothing.

I smiled happily as we walked into the cool night. I needed this. I needed to feel normal and happy.

I was really grateful to lily for doing this for me. She had made everything so much easier.

We walked down to the crystallized lake and sat on its bank.

Lily threw rocks into the lake as I gazed up into the clear night sky.

"Whats your favorite star?" I asked lily, keeping the theme of 20 questions. She lay back as well and looked up into the dazzling stars.

"Which star is……?" Lily started to say but was cut off by a rustling in the forest behind us.

We both jumped up immediately and grabbed our wands.

For a second there was nothing and I literally shook my head at my jumpiness. My head however had no time to shake as it was snapped back to face the direction once more.

There was defiantly something there.

Whatever it was it was moving towards us and very quickly.

My happy mood seemed to have dissolved in a second as I realized we were out in the dark on our own. Not very clever.

"Lily we have to get back up to the castle" I said in a hushed whisper beckoning her to follow me, but all she could do was stare at the direction from which the noise was coming.

"Lily we have to……"

I stopped as I looked up at the jeweled sky; among all the stars was the large orb that was the moon.

A full moon.

Wait…a full moon!

Oh this isn't good. This isn't good at all.

**I'm not too sure how I feel about this chapter. I think a few bits were slightly off, but I actually don't hate this one. Result for me!**

**The next chapter will be up really soon, i promise :) **

**I'm not sure if this counts as a cliff hanger but if it does I feel a weird sense of power. So this chapter will be dedicated to racergirl411, taliapony and chal. I would also like to say thanks' if you added me to fav's or your alert list ;)**

**Review xxxxx**


	15. Determination

My hand enclosed around lily's arm and I began to almost drag her back towards the dark castle, ignoring her confused questions. We were going to have to move quickly, very quickly, because it knew it could.

Yet, we didn't move quickly enough.

Before I could even open my mouth to warn lily, a large werewolf had exited the forest ripping tress as it did so and was now bounding on the green directly for us.

My mind went ablaze. We were almost center on the lawn, only half way to the castle, we would never be able to reach the doors before the wolf caught up with us.

I had never seen a werewolf before so I gave it a thorough glance and knew immediately there was very little I could do to slow it down. It was enormous, so big in fact that even though it was a distance I could still feel vibrations beneath my feet every time it pounded the ground in its attempt to get closer.

At least a couple of seconds passed before my mind came to the only conclusion it could. Werewolves only went for humans, they didn't hunt animals.

Oh this was not going to be fun.

"Lily go now." I whispered absently trying very hard to focus. In my mind we had roughly five seconds before that thing was upon us and I hadn't done this since I was about 10.

"And leave you?" She asked looking like I had just said the most idiotic, ludicrous thing on this earth.

"Lily, go!" I yelled giving her a slight push towards the building but before I could see if she obeyed a ringing started in my ears and I drew my gaze almost instinctively back to the approaching werewolf. It was extremely close now.

It happened so quickly and yet almost in slow motion, though that makes no sense. First it felt like my eyes were tightening, then the unpleasant shiver ran through me like it was numbing my bones. It wasn't painful but it was uncomfortable and made me slightly dizzy. I barely felt the change I only realized what had happened after.

I was smaller now, no not smaller, but lower to the ground and I was in a crawl almost, my skin was covered in something thick and dark and my nails were sharper and stronger.

I thanked whatever higher power there was that I didn't end up as some house cat.

The tight hold on my eyes released and everything looked more focused, sharper. Including the wolf only a few meters from me. Immediately I sprang at it.

Lily's scream ripped through my head but I gave everything I had into trying to make this werewolf back the hell off.

Unfortunately though, it had other ideas and repeatedly threw me, rather easily to the ground. I prayed lily took the hint and was going to the castle for as long as she was near the lycan would try and get to her meaning that I would have to keep trying to stop it.

Time and time again I threw myself at it, trying to stop to from getting to lily, it hit and kicked at me leaving countless bruises.

I slashed at its arms causing it to rage at its pain. Instantly it had picked me and it threw me to a large rock. As soon as I a collided with the hard object I heard a sickening crack and felt nauseated. A pain started to build up in my side making me want to scream as it grew. My mind went fuzzy with the now agonizing pain, blotches of white started to dot my vision making me feel very disorientated but I made myself look to see where it went.

I did not like what I saw.

It was running very quickly to an extremely terrified looking lily.

Damn! I told that girl to leave!

I knew if it got to her she wouldn't stand a chance, that it would either mercilessly attack her and eventually turn her or even worse get so carried away that it would kill her

How could it let that happen? How could I lie there against a rock and listen to her screaming? Surely that would hurt more than what I was feeling. I couldn't just let this happen.

Desperately I tried to regain control, focusing once more in using every ounce of strength I had to get up.

_The pain isn't real, the pain isn't real _was my new mantra, attempting to block it out as I stood.

I started towards it, weakly at first barely able to contain the pain but something moved as I saw it strike lily, it's claws leaving scarlet trails on her pale skin. My pace picked up quickly and before I knew what was happening I was next to it and my razor sharp claws were ripping deeply through its skin.

It let out a howl of pain. Perhaps had I not been mentally trying to convince myself that the sickening agony ripping internally through my own body was not real, and then I may have felt guilty in harming the creature. But guilt had no place in my head so I continued in my efforts to harm it.

It actually began to weaken ever so slightly, so I chanced a glance around me to see where lily was.

Mistake.

It threw me down and one of its large feet pressed down on my fragile form. I whimpered as the pain was so unbearable, I felt physically sick. Lily's scream reached my ears so I tried to get up but I just couldn't, the pain in my back prevented me from even breathing properly.

I felt despair as I saw caught sight of it running at lily yet again.

I'm not too sure what went through my mind at that moment but I do remember wanting it to turn its attention back to me, away from lily. So being in the frame of mind that I was, I did the obvious thing.

My body molded back to its natural form with surprising ease, the I used everything in me and I literally mean everything to stand up, shakily yes, very shaky but I was impressed with my will power.

"Oi!" I shouted at the wolf and to my immense relief I got the desired response. It's head whipped round its gold eyes fixing on me with a fierce animalistic hunger. It shot at me only this time I wasn't fighting.

I dropped to the ground as it ran; I couldn't physically hold it anymore.

My head was turned away from it so my view was of the pearly white moon reflecting off the lake but every time it took a leap closer I felt the earth beneath me vibrate. I could barely hear its snarling for my hearing had become slightly muffled and my breathe short.

I saw it though as it moved above me and raised its clawed hand to smash down on me. Closing my eyes I held my breathe as I waited for the contact that could irrevocably damage me.

It didn't come. Instead there was a very large vibration like something heavy had fallen. Opening my eyes I could just make out antlers ramming into the werewolf knocking it over.

Why on earth was a stag ramming into a werewolf?

Relief never came for my head had taken on a very heavy feeling, my whole body was screaming at my brain to shut off but I refused to allow it.

I was frightened that if I closed my eyes I may not wake up and that was not an option.

I tried to get up once more whilst the stag distracted the werewolf but my fingers barely twitched in response to my attempt. No matter how hard I fought my body was simply too worn out.

Hearing lily scream distantly I tried desperately to regain at least some focus but it was to no use as it really was taking all of me just to remain conscious.

My vision was completely blurred; in fact I could barely make out the outline of the moon anymore. There was panic immediately, I could barely see anything, I couldn't make out noises and I was really struggling to breathe now. I was defenseless and I knew that the stag wouldn't be able to halt a werewolf for long.

A wince escaped me as something touched me. Something was moving me and it was really hurting my ribs. I couldn't see them of course as my eyes refused my brain's command and my hearing was that of being underwater.

I couldn't even bring myself to panic though my common sense said I should. There was a mumbling sound now, it sounded masculine but I could have been wrong. I was still being moved and then I realized that I was no longer on a surface. Actually I don't think I had been on a surface for a while.

I made some noise I think because I'm sure my throat made a sound. I honestly didn't know if I was trying to talk or just reacting to the agony.

There was then a loud bang even to my ears and the mumbling became louder but its words couldn't break through the pain. Another sound joined it though it sounded further away.

I felt myself being laid on something soft and padded but it brought me little relief, it just made me want to sleep.

I almost called out as someone or something touched my battered body though I got no chance as some form of liquid went down my dry throat almost chocking me. Panic started at my complete inability to breathe but it subdued quite quickly and although the pain stayed the same I regained some focus.

The voices were becoming more distinct and I was beginning to feel the air around me as apposed to just the pain. I couldn't move my head so I glanced around me as much I could until I came across the school nurse who was concentrating on my form.

I found myself able to gasp as she pulled a needle out.

"Wow back up Florence." I gasped my voice coming out incredibly frail.

I hadn't meant to be so rude as she was trying to help but it was as though the words literally tumbled out of my mouth.

She looked up startled and then gave me a look as if to say I-am-the-school-matron-and-i-know-best.

I looked down slightly at my bloody, bruised and broken body and gave a defeated sigh.

"Go for it." I said in an almost dreamy voice.

Whatever portion she gave me, it made me feel light headed and almost high. And also to my great pleasure numbed the pain slightly.

I winced as the needle entered my tender skin and before I knew what I was saying I was shouting at her.

"Jesus Christ! I said you could stick a few needles in me not 20 fucking machetes!" I shouted not pleased with her and her needles at all.

Owwwww. That really hurt my head.

She glared at my choice of language but stopped as someone came into the enclosed space where the bed lay.

"Mr. Black I told you to wait outside" Said the matron disapprovingly and also marginally flustered as she looked down towards my…feet? Oh no, what was wrong with my feet?!

I looked up from my rambling to see Sirius stood there looking extremely worried and almost slightly mad at the matron.

Was he the one that brought me here?

Reality seemed to sink in and my brain skimmed through things finally piecing together what it was that was actually happening.

I had been attacked and was now lying in a critical condition in the hospital wing of Hogwarts. Sirius, as in the boy I had kissed mere hours ago, had carried me up her and was now standing by my bed.

My rational thought ended though as I felt another wave of pain come from my legs.

"I heard yelling I thought there may have been a problem." he said to the matron but was looking at me, and then I realized he was close to me.

Good I needed someone to save me from the evil matron and her many sharp objects.

"Yes there is Sirius, She" I said glaring pointedly at the matron. "Is trying to kill me."

My god these words are actually spilling out of my mouth! I don't even think that I'm thinking them before I say them.

Wait what?

Wow my head was really hurting.

"I promise I am doing nothing of the sort Miss Phoenix but I must insist that you stop moving. Black If you are adamant on staying then make her stop moving." I could tell by her tone she was less than impressed with me. She was clearly at a loss at how to control my odd behavior.

Well it was her fault; giving me weird freaky potions that made my head think it was drunk.

Sirius nodded but still looked very worried and lent down so he was eye level with me.

"Are you ok?" he asked very worried. What a ridiculously stupid question.

"Yes I'm fantastic, can you not tell by my lovely bone arrangement and multicolored flesh." I said sarcastically. The pain was stopping now slightly and my mind began to work properly again, thank the lord!

This potion was really making me act as though I was intoxicated.

I had planned on never talking to Sirius again. This little event was messing with my plan.

"Where's lily, is she ok?" I asked quickly, remembering the wolf hit her.

"Yeah she's fine; she will probably be here soon." He said but gave me a look as if to say that we couldn't talk about this here. I was going to retort but stopped at the look of worry on his handsome face. It was odd how I was acting completely different mere hours before and now here we were him all caring and me all high.

The matron gave me some potion and said it was important for me to get my rest. I didn't want to sleep as I didn't want to be out for like a week.

However, I was completely drained and couldn't fight the weight of my eyelids as they dropped , blocking out all the pain in my body

_**I just went over this and realized that I made Lily out to be a little coward. We all know she isn't so I will do a short Lily's Pov very soon so that you can see what was going on in her head.**_

_**Some of you may hate this chapter, but I think that it really captures what kind of person she is. Come on people she was battered around and then willing to die, that is impressive.**_

_**This chapter is dedicated to chal (again, you so rock!), Racergirl (again, lovin the review!), anne90 (I know you can't always review but I so love it when you do!) and whoever sent the Anonymous review, it was a great review :)**_

_**My updates may be a bit all over the place because i am moving in the next two weeks and really need to pack. But I won't leave it 20 days like last time. I will try my best :)**_

_**Review xxxxx**_


	16. Reality

**I am so sorry! I completely suck I know. I feel awful, this story has been so neglected. Yet to be fair to me my life has been all over the place these last few months so I kind of have an excuse. Anyways this chapter is an odd one. The first half was wrote when I was in hospital (ironic) after my accident, the second part was wrote when I got out and was really frustrated because I could barely move from my bloody rib harness thingy, the other bits were wrote randomly at completely different dates and times. So all in all people I was in a lot of different moods and frames of mind when I wrote this chapter.**

**Hope it's alright.**

Blades of lights pierced the darkness that surrounded me.

My eyelids felt as though they were being pinned down, my head thumped and aching pain seared through my entire body.

Slowly and with much effort, I opened my tired eyes.

As soon as my eyes opened my head felt like it would explode into millions of pieces. I winced at the suns glare and tried to lift my hand to my head only to find it hurt too much to move.

After a few moments I got focus of my surroundings.

To the right of my bed I saw Lily sleeping on a hard wooden chair. She had bandages on her right arm and looked terrible .Looking around I saw myself in a small space closed off by cream curtains. The roof above me was very high but had low oak beams; I also realized that I was in a soft bed that was supporting my bruised body.

My eyes closed trying to block out the fierce headache. Though as soon as they did I remembered where I was and why.

_Great,_ I thought to myself sarcastically. I was attacked by a werewolf and now here I am in a bloody hospital wing!

Not to mention I was in a hell of a lot of pain

I moved my head slightly to hear some whispering outside my curtains.

The whispering sounded really worried and before I could make out whom it was James Potter walked through my curtains.

He jumped eyes wide when he saw I was awake.

"You're awake" He said shocked.

"What are you doing here?" I asked very quietly as any loud noise would have spilt my head.

He still looked pretty surprised. He didn't answer but instead left through the curtains once more.

I lay very confused for a while until the curtains opened yet again but this time; James brought the matron I vaguely remembered from the previous night.

"You aren't supposed to be awake miss phoenix" She said disapprovingly. She didn't bother to whisper so Lily woke up.

"Oh thank god you're awake! I was so worried" She said grasping my hand causing me to wince.

I noticed that she had tears in her eyes and felt oddly moved at her concern.

My eyesight took a while to focus when I moved it to different things.

"Miss Phoenix, how are you feeling?" Asked madam pomfrey. She looked quite concerned as she examined my badly bruised arms.

I was very shocked to see no cuts on my flesh. However I knew something was wrong with my ankle. The agony there was unbearable.

"I've been worse" I replied. I didn't actually know if this was true as I couldn't see the full extent of the damage.

"Well if that true then you should be dead." She muttered fiddling with glass vials on my beside table.

"Drink this" She ordered handing me a vial of black liquid.

I tried to take it but failed dismally.

"Here, I'll do it" Said lily taking the vial from the matron and gently pouring it into my dry mouth.

I half smiled at lily and dropped my sore head back onto the cushions pillows.

The matron walked out and as she did I noticed that James was no longer there.

"Why was Potter here?" I asked Lily very confused.

She fidgeted for a second before answering "Emmm…well…he …it doesn't matter right now. You just need to rest and I will explain everything when you feel better." She said firmly but with a smile.

I wanted to reply but didn't as I couldn't really understand things properly right then. My mind had gotten fuzzy yet again and before I even knew what was happening my eyes had shut on their own accord covering everything once more in darkness.

My eyes pried open to see that the hospital wing was darker now. Confusion flushed through me as I felt like I had shut my eyes mere seconds before but apparently it was a lot longer. My body still ached terribly and my heart fell as I looked to my right and saw no lily.

I could however hear something outside my curtains, only this time it was not low whispering.

My slightly strained hearing picked up on someone talking angrily on the other side of the curtain. I wanted to open my eyes but the headache was too much. I tried to focus on hearing what the voiced were saying.

"You must know what did this to her" Someone hissed. I recognized this hiss to be that of troy.

Oh great my beloved brother is here. Wonderful.

"I am sorry Mr. Phoenix but I don't not know what happened. All I know is when she was brought here last night she looked like she had been attacked." I recognized this voice to belong to madam pomfrey.

"Brought here? Who brought her here?" Asked another voice, only this one was cold and demanding. Clearly Tudor was also outside.

I couldn't see the matron but if I could, I bet anything she was twisting her hands nervously. She was clearly intimidated.

"Mr. Black brought her here."

"Black? Regulas Black?" Asked troy in a very irritated way. He really had no patience whatsoever.

"No, Sirius Black. If you will excuse me gentlemen I have other patients to attend to." She said hurriedly and then walked off somewhere to the right I believe.

Oh no this wasn't good.

"Sirius black! Sirius black! What the hell was Sirius black doing near our sister?!" Troy whisper yelled (**A.N. No idea if that's actually possible)** at Tudor.

"I have no idea, but I do however fully intend to find out. Troy you need to go and inform mother and father of her condition. I will wait here until she wakes and then we will find out what happened properly." Ordered Tudor, in a very low tone.

"What should I tell them, if you haven't noticed we don't actually know anything Tudor" he replied angrily.

I could almost see Tudors disapproving eyebrow arch at our brother's tone.

"Tell them that veronica is in very ill health that she was attacked by something and has extensive physical injuries. Although you must say that she is stable. I think it best to send it to mother. Now as I said send a letter and by the time you return she should have awoken." He said all of this in an extremely demanding tone that you dare not defy.

I heard troy leave and then heard Tudor enter through the curtains.

My eyes were still firmly closed but I knew that I must open them soon as he would notice I was awake. Eyes shut or not.

I heard him sit on a chair beside me and I could feel his eyes on me.

"Why won't you open your eyes veronica?" He asked me suddenly causing me to jump slightly which caused terrible ache as every time I tensed my body throbbed in pain.

"The lights hurting my eyes" I responded only to find that my voice was barely more than a whisper and that every time I talked my chest hurt slightly. And here I was thinking that whatever potion I had to swallow earlier may actually help. Silly me.

I heard a sort of whipping noise and the pink light that shone through my eyelids turned to a very faint orange.

"Try opening them now." Tudor said.

I did as he commanded and found it to be much less difficult as there seemed to be a sort of barrier making the light much dimmer.

My eyes took a few seconds before they focused on him.

He was sat on the chair beside my bedside, his muscular frame poised importantly on the dark wooden chair.

His eyes held vague emotion but nothing of any real significance.

"How are you feeling" He asked me in a voice that indicated false concern.

"Like my body is hosting a party for pain" I whispered hoarsely.

I saw him inhale deeply and relax his body into the chair.

"Do you know where you are?" He asked.

"Yes, what time is it?" I asked wondering how long I had been asleep for.

"6:00 in the evening. Veronica why on earth were you wandering the grounds in the dark at 11 o'clock at night?" He asked in an almost snappy tone which I had rarely heard him use before.

I closed my eyes once more and let out a low sigh which turned into an almost wheeze.

"Whats wrong with your chest?" He asked me before I could answer.

"It just aches a bit but so do the rest of me, so…."

"Do you need the matron?" He interrupted.

I opened my eyes once more to see him sat up straight once more with his forehead creased slightly.

"No Tudor, I'm sure this is expected. Trust me I was much worse last night." I assured him.

"Troy has just gone to alert our parents of this… Incident but he will be here shortly." Tudor said.

I wasn't too pleased with this and I think he sensed it for he gave me a disapproving look. Me and troy have never gotten on and Tudor is fully aware of our dislike towards the other.

"How bad is the damage?" I asked in an even quieter voice.

He gave me a searching look before answering. "At this moment you look dreadful; however you have not received any lasting damage. The matron thinks this to be a miracle as she said you should have had serious side affects to your injuries. Most of your injuries were internal, broken bones mainly, you have also acquired many, many clearly painful bruises but you have nothing that will scar you. Apart from your ankle though, apparently you broke it so badly that the bone actually tore the skin. There will be scar there as she could not heal it completely." H said all this in a very even tone. I was slightly impressed that he remembered all of this.

"Is that all?" I asked sarcastically.

I swear I nearly saw his eye's roll, but I couldn't be sure as the curtains opened again to reveal troy stood there.

"Good you're finally awake" He said as he took a seat on the other side of my bed.

"You concern astounds me brother" I said dryly.

He narrowed his eyes at me slightly but settled for a mere glare.

"I presume that you sent them a letter troy." Asked Tudor.

"I can send a letter" Troy replied through gritted teeth. What the hell was wrong with him today! That's the second time he has snapped at Tudor, the boy wants to die.

Tudor noticed this too, I felt the room freeze slightly as he gave troy a cold look. After staring at him for a few moments he slowly dragged his eyes towards my own.

"Veronica I need to know what happened last night" He said still using a snappy tone.

My brothers were really starting to freak me out.

I ignored their odd behavior however as the pressing issue of what I was going to say arose. I couldn't tell them I was attacked by a werewolf because then they would find who it was and kill them. It wasn't the werewolves fault after all they couldn't control what they were doing.

To some people it may seem odd that I was lying in a hospital bed and my own family was assuming it was my fault but I was used to it. They would question anything I said and troy would automatically probe me for details. He had a deep desire to get me in trouble

"I don't remember" I said in a tiny voice closing my eyes. It wasn't very hard to act troubled and in pain because I already was.

"Veronica you have to remember" said troy forcefully.

I felt Tudor give him a look from his side of the bed.

"Try and remember what you did from when you left the slytherin common room last night" He suggested in a forced lighter voice.

I kept my eyes closed thinking. They thought I was thinking about what happened but I was trying to block out the aching long enough o come up with a story.

"I left the common room and back to Gryffindor tower. Then I……"

I was going to say I went to the library to finish some astronomy homework but I didn't have a bag when I was in the slytherin common room. And that would also mean that there would be astronomy homework outside where in as attacked and there obviously wasn't.

"…. I got really thirsty and….."

I was about to say went to the kitchens and then decided to take a walk but then they may ask the houselves if I was there and they would tell them that lily was with me.

"….I thinks I started to walk back quicker because I wanted a drink…" Yews it sounds lame but I was in the hospital wing in agony, I am entitled to b a bit weird.

"I got back to the common room and went straight upstairs to get a drink of water. When I was in my dorm loads of girls were starting to annoy me with their screechy little voices so I decided since it was such a clear sky I would go and look at the stars. I needed to brush up on them anyway fro astronomy."

Ok the story is good so far, no mistakes.

"I went out and made my way to the astronomy tower. But ….I dint get there because….I saw that the front doors were still open, it looked like a nice night so I thought that I would go and see the stares from outside. I walked out, then over to the lake edge. I remember looking up at the sky but then after sitting there for too long I got cold. I think I started to walk, you know to try and get me warm again….but then I realized how dark it was…I started to. Walk back"

So far I was making this very believable leaving stuttering pause in a fake attempt on remembering.

"But then there was this weirs creaking noise like vines moving. I looked up and I saw the whomping willow…It…it grabbed me around the waist and…I don't really know what happened I just remember a lot of pain and then falling. I think I was rolling down a hill after it let me go, at the bottom I hot something really hard. I remember feeling my rib break as I collided with what I think was a big rock...I'm not sure…I just…I tried to get up. I mean I didn't want to be out there all night in the state I was in. But I couldn't get up. I could barely breathe… I….I don't remember anything after that. I must have passed out from the pain." I finished in strangled voice.

I opened my eyes to see troy now stood up at the end of my bed and Tudor still sat looking at me quizzically.

Here comes the interrogation and then the lecture.

"So you waked out to the lake in the idle of the night to go star gazing?" Asked troy harshly

"Yes, I know it wasn't the cleverest idea…."

"Yeah, not really." Said troy looking at me like I was unbelievably stupid.

"If the whomping willow attacked you then why are there no vine marks and hardly any scratches." Asked Tudor looking intensely for my reaction.

Damn it I didn't think about that.

"I have no idea" I replied no faltering for a second.

"Right, you're attacked by a violent tree and it doesn't scratch you with its branches or leave marks were it held you or……" Troy said but I cut him off.

"What are you two getting at? You may have not noticed but I'm paying for my stupidity. As for the fact you both seem to doubt that I am telling the truth, why would I lie?" I snapped causing my entire body to ache as I tensed in frustration.

It was hard enough to control me emotions around them normally let alone when I'm in agony exhausted in a hospital bed.

They both gave me completely different looks. Tudor gave me an intense look were as troy looked like he wanted to hit me.

"Ok, we will be back later today veronica. You need to rest just now, we will inform the matron of your consciousness before we leave." Tudor said rising from his seat.

"Ok, thank you for your concern but I assure you I am fine." I said.

Troy had already walked out and Tudor gave me a small glance before following him.

I sighed deeply causing my body to ache once more. Thank god they have gone! I hated having to think so hard when I was in so much pain.

My moment of calm was interrupted by madam pomfrey coming in muttering about how she should have been informed as soon as I woke.

"I hope your brothers didn't tire you out too much. I did tell them not to. Her drink this for the pain." She said handing me a small vial filled with black liquid. I'm fairly confident it was the same potion as before but I didn't question her as I was far too tired to argue.

I took it from her and took as though I was taking a shot. It tasted vile and I swore it moved in my mouth.

"Take this so that your bruises will clear up." She said handing me another vile filled with pink liquid. I took it like the last but this one tasted even worse, like mould almost.

"This is the last one, it's for the headache I'm sure you have." She said handing me yet another vile. I actually groaned as I took it. It was an orange color and looked almost like egg yoke. I downed it and nearly threw up at its rancid taste.

"Don't be dramatic" She scolded taking back the empty vile. "How are you feeling anyway?" She asked sitting down on the chair Tudor recently vacated. I pondered the question that she asked me for the second time today. It was odd but I think that I actually felt worse than I had earlier.

"Like I want to die" I answered letting out a small gasp as I felt the potion work. It didn't feel normal at all.

"Well that's understandable. They told me you had a rough time of it and the condition you were in when you came I almost fainted." She said raising an eyebrow.

"They?" I asked.

"Oh yes, Miss Evans, Mr. Black and Mr. potter. They are all in the end …..Visiting someone else. Miss Evans has been here all day but when your brothers came she thought it best for her to get out of the way until they left again." She said in a nervous kind of way.

Why on earth were James and Sirius here? Who were they visiting?

I was quite touched that lily had stayed with me all night.

"Miss Evans is insistent upon seeing you but I cannot allow it. You need rest and your brothers should have listened to me" She tutted

"I don't mind at all if lily visits, I'm sure she will just make sure I'm fine. I promise if I feel tired I will let her know" I assured the matron who still didn't look convinced.

"Alright, but if you feel at all off then get her to get me. I cannot allow anyone other than her though." She said firmly before leaving the room to retrieve lily.

She returned moments later with a very worried looking red head.

"Now don't tire her out, she is in a lot of pain despite how much she assures you." Madam Pomfrey said strictly to lily before leaving.

"Are you alright?" She asked quickly sitting down at my side immediately.

"Well…honestly, no. but I'm getting better so no need to worry" I said to her soothingly. She looked very tired.

"Are you alright?" I asked her.

"What? Oh right my arm. Of course I am its just a little scratch." She said in an almost irritated voice. She seemed very on edge.

"Oh, I'm so sorry I'm being snappy aren't I? Its just I have been up all night and day I have been so worried." She looked at me her emerald eyes sparkling; unfortunately the sparkle was caused by her eyes brimming with tears. "You know last night... I actually thought you…you were dead." She said quietly in an almost frightened voice. She broke into tears that streamed thick down her pretty face.

"Oh lily" I said at a loss as to what to say. I slowly reached out my hand to grasp her own weakly. "I'm alright. Tudor said it's mainly bruises and a few scratches. There really is nothing to worry about" I said as soothingly as possible.

She looked startled "You nearly died…"

I cut her off "Yes I could have but I didn't so no point in worrying over something that could have happened. Let's just be thankful it didn't." I said firmly. She nodded her head wiping her eyes and letting out a few sniffles.

"I'm just being silly" She muttered.

"No lily, I'm touched that you care so much but trust me I may look fragile but I've dealt with a lot worse than a few broken bones. It's going to take a hell of a lot more than a werewolf to finish me off. I'm far too stubborn you see." I said attempting a smile.

She gave a watery laugh, but seemed to freeze at my mention of the werewolf.

"Lily?" I said asking her a question with a look.

"I need to tell you something" She said after a while.

"Okay" I replied slowly. She seemed apprehensive.

"Lily tell me" I urged slightly anxious. She looked genuinely worried.

She took a deep breathe before talking. "Well I'm sure your wondering where Sirius and peter came from?" Peter, Peter, Peter….oh yes the Pettigrew boy. But I hadn't seen him in days. What was she on about?

"You may not have seen peter actually. You weren't exactly alert at this point." She said after seeing my confused look. "But you remember Sirius though?"

"Yes" I replied. I had been curious as to where he came from and also why on earth a stag rammed into a very vicious werewolf.

"Well…I'm not explaining this well. I'm just going to come out with it" She said in an irritated way. She clearly wasn't impressed with herself for some reason. She leant in closer to me and spoke in a quieter voice.

"The werewolf that attacked you…it was Remus"

"What" I asked slowly. The girl must have had a hit to the head.

"That's not all. You know that stag that fought it off? That was Potter, he, black and Pettigrew became animagus's last year in order to accompany Remus on his monthly transformations. But last night Remus ran off and found us. By the time they got …well I'm sure you remember. Anyway Sirius got you and took you here whilst James pushed Remus back into the forest. Peter came and took me back to the castle but I couldn't follow you because in order to get to you I would have to get past Remus. By the time I got there you were already asleep." She said this all in a whisper and was quite breathless by the end.

Relief was evident in her face.

I don't think shock is the right word. Stunned fits better.

"So your telling me that Black, Potter and Pettigrew are all animagus's who accompany Remus, who is a werewolf, every moth for his transformation" I asked very slowly and clearly.

"Yes" She replied.

I just stared at her trying to process this information.

"That's what I was like when they told me. Well after yelling at them for being so stupid that is"

"What did they do that was stupid?" I asked confused. I was actually rather impressed that three boys went to such lengths to give their friend comfort. Illegal or not.

Lily looked at me wide eyed "Ronnie they were supposed to stay in the shrieking shack. They were reckless and went outside which almost resulted in your death" Anger flared up in her eyes at the mere thought of it.

True that was fairly stupid of them. I remained silent for a moment trying to let this knowledge sink in to my troubled mind. As I recalled the events of last night I remembered the werewo- Remus hitting lily pretty hard.

"Lily your arm is it ok? I mean He hit you hard"

"Oh that's nothing; it will clear up in a few hours. Ronnie, I want to thank you I mean…"

"Lily you don't have to thank me. You're my friend and you were in trouble. That's what friends do right." I smiled giving her hand a quick squeeze realizing that the potion must be working for it didn't hurt too badly.

Before I knew what was happening lily hugged me, which did hurt, and cried saying inaudible things.

"Lily I'm kind of hurting here." I said huskily.

"Oh right, yeah, sorry. " She said looking sheepish but ruining the effect by sniffing and wiping her eyes.

Then I realized who must be in the end bed.

"Oh my god, how badly did I hurt Remus" I asked looking horrified.

"Potter and Black said that he had been far worse. Besides it wasn't entirely you, Potter also did a bit of damage when he tried to get him to back off" She replied in a falsely soothing voice.

She saw my downcast reaction, something she clearly wasn't happy with.

"Ronnie, you did the right thing. It's a miracle you're both still alive. Although granted you look a lot worse."

"Thank you Lily, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kind words" I smiled to show that I was joking.

She, being Lily, didn't take the hint and was about to start apologizing (again) when someone else walked through the horribly white curtains.

"Oh, thank god you're alive!" Shouted James, in a very overdramatic way if you ask me.

Lily looked less than pleased. "Potter, have you not listened to madam pomfrey? Only one person at a time, she needs her rest!" Lily whisper shouted to James.

"Yes, my apologies my love but I said I would come and see how she was." He said casually sitting himself on my other side

Lily looked ready to kill but her homicide was delayed as James shocked face took in my appearance. "I know this is going to sound stupid, but how are you feeling?" He asked anxiously.

I did find this situation very odd. James and I got along well when we were partnered for potions, but we had rarely spoken outside the walls of potion's class. It felt rather uncomfortable to know such a big secret of someone I was rather ill acquainted with.

"It looks worse than it is." I replied.

He glanced over at Lily before asking me in a low voice "Has lily told you about Remus?"

"Yes she has. It seems as though I owe you for coming when you did. One more hit and the chances are I would be dead."

"Oh it was nothing" He said grinning at me.

I couldn't help but notice that James had come and not…well I suppose I did tell him to stay away. I need to stop being so bloody indecisive.

"Well nothing or not thank you anyway" I said smiling.

"How's Remus? I hope I didn't hurt him too badly" I asked nervous as to his answer. Guilt was heavy in my stomach when I remembered attacking him.

"He's…alright. Most of the injuries aren't too severe. But he's seriously beating himself up over what happened" He explained, the concern for his friend clear in his very expressive eyes.

"But it's not his fault" I objected frustrated at the fact that someone so kind was going through so much pain. The pain I was going through was my own fault as a result to my foolishness.

He was about to say something but lily cut him off. "Right you've seen her, now get out" She spoke harshly eyes narrowed. I always found it rather amusing how she could change instantly when he spoke to her.

"Yes lily flower I'm going just need to ask her one little question" He said lightly but looked a little hesitant now.

"Eh, ver-ronnie…emm…look I know its none of my business but you know I kind of need to ask" He said almost apologetically. I knew what he was going to ask before he asked it so answered before he had to.

"James I didn't tell my brothers anything. As far as they know I went for a walk and then was attacked by the whomping willow. They do know that Sirius brought me here though, pomfrey told them that before I could stop her. But I didn't mention a werewolf or stag or lily or anything" I told him reassuringly.

He looked relieved and gave me a warm smile. I was surprised again by him as James potter rarely shows serious emotion. It faded as quickly as it came however and was replaced with his usual playful grin.

"Well I'll be off then." He said standing up as he took a step towards the he turned to look at me in an almost embarrassed way. "Thank you, you know for not saying anything" He said avoiding eye contact. I smiled as he looked like a ten year old boy asking about sex or something.

"Its fine James" I replied my smile fading as my abdomen receiver a sharp pain from somewhere internally.

"Look you've troubled her. Well done potter! Out now before I go get madam pomfrey" Lily hissed standing up and wrenching the curtains together shielding James from view.

"Lily I'm ok really. It's starting to go" I told her taking deep breathes. She didn't seem certain.

"Are you sure? I can go get the matron if…"

"I think I just need to get some more rest lily that's all" I told her my body telling me to rest. Apparently I was wearing it out. "Go to the dorm get some yourself." I told her aware that she hadn't slept all night.

She frowned for a moment before hesitantly staying "Ok but I will be back later ok." She said this firmly as if daring me to argue.

"Ok" I replied finding it quite hard to smile as I got another pain in my knee this time…

"I'll see you soon" She said getting up slowly after giving my hand a small touch (clearly she didn't want to hurt me. Bit late after that hug) she made her way out of the curtains, of course not forgetting to look back every few seconds before leaving.

I sighed heavily making my chest hurt a bit more than I think it was meant to. Apparently my pain soothing potion (I think that was one of the potions she gave me) was beginning to wear off.

It took me a little while to get to sleep as I had to relax my body completely which let me tell you wasn't easy.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

When I woke I cannot say that the pain was much lessened. I was getting sharp pains a lot on various parts of my body not to mention the strong ache that seemed to have moved into every single muscle.

The matron was having to constantly give me various potions, put these weird things under my pillow that would apparently soothe me and then of course there was the moment when she brought in a small silver chest (which contained some sort of plant that was supposed help if it was crushed and mixed with hot cranberry juice then drunk) that reflected everything. I caught sight of myself in the almost mirror like box and was shocked.

My lip was split and swollen, my face bruised pretty much all over and a gash above my eyebrow. My arms were literally purple, yellow, and grey, they all stood out alarmingly against my chalk white skin. Heaven knows what my body looked like underneath the clothes.

My sleeping was unpredictable. My body was very weak and it wore out unusually quickly. I must have had up to 5 or six little naps by the time it reached 10 that night.

Luckily I woke up when I did as Albus was sat on the chair. It startled me but at the same time I felt a comfort that I always felt in his presence.

"I'm sorry I did not mean to start you" He said his calm sincere voice. His twinkling blue eyes did not hold there usual twinkle though. Instead they contained concern especially when I winced after pushing myself up slightly.

"How long have you been here?" I asked him curiously.

"Roughly 30 minutes" he answered simply. I took it as a sign he was genuinely worried when he didn't specify the exact duration of his wait as he always did.

"Madam Pomfrey said that you are determined to make a quick recovery." He said in a voice that implied a question.

"Well I don't want to be stuck here for much longer." I replied in a tired way as I once again tried to sit up a bit. Albus saw this and pulled my pillows up so I could lean against them.

"Your body will recover when it recovers. You gained dome serious internal damage Ronnie" I noted he used the name I preferred. Damn I am way too observant. I notice everything I need to stop that.

"I hadn't noticed" I teased making him chuckle softly.

"Do you mind telling me what happened?"

"Do you not know?" I asked him attempting to raise an eyebrow but being met instead my yet another sharp pain this time on my forehead.

Can't even raise a bloody eyebrow!

"If you are asking whether or not I know how you obtained these injuries then I will inform you that I had a talk with Mr. Lupin earlier."

"Then what else would you like to know Albus?" I asked confused as to what I could tell him.

"What were you doing outside?" He questioned bluntly.

"I was with lily. We went for a walk. Yes it was after hours and yes it was foolish but I'm sure you can plainly seeing that I am paying for my stupidity" I told him sighing.

"I am not here to lecture you Ronnie" He told me a twinkle returning to his eye. "You have spent much time with Miss Evans haven't you?"

"How do you know that?" I questioned suddenly anxious. I hadn't even spoken to her in the great hall, which, as far as I know, is the only place in which Albus would see us both.

"Minerva told me that you were close in class" He replied taking my nerves away. Slightly.

"I know I shouldn't be friends with her but..." I said but he cut me off a frown on his face.

"And why should you not. Yes there may be… opposition to your friendship but clearly you are not announcing it to people. You more than proved last night that you can keep her from harm so I see no reason that you cannot hold at least one friendship."

"We both know that unfortunately it isn't that simple" I told him releasing a sigh once again that turned into another wince as my body tensed.

He didn't speak but surveyed me for a few more moments. "You haven't come to see me much Ronnie" There was another note of worry in his usually light calm voice.

"Albus I have to spend every waking second with the slytherin's, then there is the added workload of my actual education and not to mention my brothers. Especially Troy he's really started to watch me and then there siri..." Stopped myself. It wasn't important I shouldn't have said anything. This is why letting your guard down isn't always good. Things slip out.

"I completely understand." He told me but I knew he was slightly curious as to what I was going to say. He wouldn't ever ask though. "But I would like to know that you are alright"

"I'm sorry I should have tried more" I apologized feeling slightly bad as I knew he would worry when I didn't get in touch.

"Not at all. There is absolutely no need to apologize." Albus said shaking his head and smiling kindly. I attempted to smile back. "How are you though? Not mentioning you current position of course" He asked gesturing to my damaged body.

"I'm…coping" I told him I couldn't tell him that it was hell he would overreact.

"I have been thinking about what you are doing" He said "I am referring to what the order is planning in terms of this Christmas" He said upon seeing my confused look.

Here we go.

"What about it?" I asked closing my eyes and resting my head on the headboard behind my pillows.

"I'm not sure if you will be ready for it" He said. No need to beat around the bush eh?

"Meaning"

"Do you actually know what this will entail?"

Anger flared up in me at his words.

"Don't sit there and question if I know what I'm doing. I know what this entails and I know what is probably going to happen. Don't think that you understand this better than I do Albus" I hissed at him coldly. I didn't mean to be so sharp with him but for some reason his words had an emotional affect. What am I talking about 'for some reason', I knew the reason, hell we all knew the reason.

"I do not doubt what you have done for a moment Ronnie but this is something else entirely. Going back there is a risk that a lot of us don't actually want you to take so to do this…I just need you to understand exactly what could happen."

"I know what could happen…"

"I am referring to what could happen to your family. If all goes to plan the chances are they could all end up in Azkaban at the end of the night or possibly even worse."

I found this very blunt. He was usually tactful but he just outright said it and it didn't bring up anger this time.

"What do you mean or worse?" I demanded.

He surveyed me for a moment with concerned eyes; he seemed to regret his statement. "Veronica" He said wearily in a beat down voice. I waited for him to continue but he didn't. He just sat there looking at me with sad eyes that broke my heart but also seemed to break a few walls.

"Albus…" I started to say in a whisper but my voice broke slightly. There were questions that he had wanted me to ask for years, questions I have wanted to ask for years but I could never find the courage. Though I needed someone to answer them.

"If the night goes the way in which we want it to….what will happen to my family?" I asked my voice barely more than a whisper now.

Albus looked at me for a few moments before speaking. "Your mother watched whilst your father tortured someone. She could have stopped it and yet she didn't. She could have reported it and yet she stayed silent, considering her relations to the victim I highly doubt any jury will take her crime lightly." He was kind enough not to say Paris's name.

"there is no doubt in my mind that if your father is caught he will spend the remainder of his days in Azkaban." I knew this but for him to say it made it more real. Albus seemed to debate something mentally before speaking. "There is a possibility and I must say that it is a high one that considering his crimes the ministry may sentence him to the kiss." His voice was apologetic.

My heart stuttered painfully. I expected for him to continue but he didn't.

"And my brothers?" I asked in a barely audible voice. My fear has always lay in their fate.

He observed me once more before opening his mouth to answer. Unfortunately yet again my cowardice took hold.

"No do not tell me." I ordered.

"Mayb…" He started but once more I cut him off.

"Albus I do not wish to hear it" My voice snappy now. "I appreciate your visit albus but I think I must rest again" I said my voice cold now making him frown slightly in sorrow. I half expected him to argue but he didn't in fact he rose from his seat in a graceful movement. I only saw this out the corner of my eyes though as I was facing firmly forward my eyes probably appeared hard.

"We shall speak again soon veronica. But yes at the moment you must rest. Good night" He said obviously wanting a reply but I could not give him one. Instead, with my eyes still firmly faced forward to the end of my bed, I gave him a curt formal nod.

I sigh escaped him as he walked down the length of the hospital wing.

His visit was supposed to be comforting warmly received yet as soon as mention of my…task, came up my emotions started to appear in a way I did not like. At that moment my jaw was firmly set as coldness not only appeared in the outside but on the inside as well.

Because of me Remus was probably feeling suicidal guilt not to mention the fact that of the truth came out as to why I was actually in the hospital wing he would be in serious danger of being exposed and that his position at the school could be jeopardized did Albus decide he couldn't take the risk of a repeat. Remus was far too kind a person and I was weak, selfish enough to take advantage of that and foolishly befriend him.

Lily was in so much danger. Firstly she was a muggleborn. Secondly she was a Gryffindor. In honesty I was surprised the slytherin's had not already done something to her. If my brothers or anyone other than a Gryffindor (even some of those are just as bad) found out of our friendship she would be punished in order to spite me.

Those were just the two immediate problems.

But there was another large one of course. Sirius. Through out the day I recalled our interaction last night and still couldn't get his words from my head.

What did he mean no? Why the hell did he kiss me?

More importantly why did I keep replaying the kiss in my head?

No. I am over analyzing this.

I closed my eyes trying to calm my sadness. When did everything get so difficult?

How did it come to this?

**I'm sure you can tell when I stopped and started from the weird mood changes she has in this.**

**Thank you so much to everyone that has reviewed and expressed their condolences for my friend, you all rock!!! I love you all!! If I haven't replied to your reviews then just give me a lil bit of time, I promise I'll get to it.**

**After re-reading the story I realized that I have left the whole visiting Paris thing a bit long so I promise the visit will happen soon.**

**Thank you so much for reading ******

_**Review xxxxx**_


	17. Skin Deep

**Happy christmas and New Year!!**

**This chapter is dedicated to Dreamin'BIG. **

I was forced to stay in the hospital wing for another two weeks.

Yes, I kid you not, two weeks!!!!

It was beyond a nightmare. For the first few days it seemed I would have to get worse before I got better. The pain was unbelievable.

Madam Pomfrey blamed my slow recovery on my visitors and would allow no one to see me for about three days. The woman was insanely compulsive when it came to the running of her wing. Everything had to be in a certain way and everything was done exactly how she said. Being in rather a lot of discomfort I was in no fit state to argue with this fairly formidable woman.

After those three days were up however I found myself with quite a few visitors. Not all welcome.

Bellatrix insisted on coming to me sometimes and speaking endlessly about other people and her problems which tested my patience to no end, especially when a few other annoying slytherin girls, who's names I had not cared enough o remember, joined her. Faking tiredness had become a skill of mine when such visits occurred.

My brothers (mainly Tudor) visited me rarely but I think they felt a responsibility to keep track on my physical capability, after all it would not bode well for their already treacherous sister to now be incapable of performing the simplest of tasks. They would have absolutely no need for me anymore if that be the case.

My mother had wrote me a small formal note that even though she had obviously tried to express some concern she let little things slip in her phrasing and I knew , as usual, her only concern was my physical appearance. Mother had always had rather high expectations when it came to vanity. She judged other people on it constantly so for her own daughter to be anything other than apparently perfect would be completely unacceptable. Once I had assured her subtly that there would be no lasting damage and virtually no scarring she did not write again. I was vaguely shocked that she wrote to me at all. Considering circumstances I would have thought Troy or Tudor would have sufficed in telling her I wasn't mutated.

Lily visited me religiously every single night bringing me my homework and much needed company where I wasn't worrying about what I said or what expression I was showing. Maybe that's why it took me so long to recover, all of the unwanted distractions.

I also got a fair few visits from James which shocked me slightly. At first I thought them to be only to make sure I would not be talking about his friend's condition, perhaps at first that's the reason he did visit, but as time wore on he seemed to genuinely be concerned for my well fare. We got on very well and I found my resolve to close myself off slip dramatically.

According to things I picked up from Lily and James, who might I add never visited together, Remus was feeling immensely guilty and couldn't bring himself to visit me. He had gotten out of the wing 3 days after the full moon. I was told that his body, being used to pretty brutal damage regularly, healed quicker than most.

In truth though one thing bothered me. There was one person I found myself wanting to see. Yet he had not come. That in itself was odd as on the night I was brought here I can still clearly recall the concern in his eyes. I thought that he would come. Stupid, yes as if he did come I would probably only tell him to leave but, and I would never admit this to anyone, I barely admitted it to myself, I missed him slightly. True, we have had little interaction since my arrival but I have seen him frequently and on a daily basis. Not seeing him for two weeks left me rather wanting. It was ludicrous but apparently that's the messed up way in which my mind chooses to work so what can I do about it?

Albus, I am convinced, played part in the duration of my stay. I am almost positive he wanted me to stay in as I knew he feared greatly for my health. Touched as I was it aggravated me to no end. I didn't like being stuck in a hospital bed.

My uncle also found time to see me. He came very late one night on the first week of my imprisonment. He came for two reasons. The first obvious, he wanted to make sure I was ok; secondly he had to speak with me about the order meeting I had missed.

It was typical that during the only two weeks that I could not get up they held a damn order meeting. I knew it was not intentional for it was rare that they were all free on the same night but it still bothered me as it did all those years in beaxbatons.

After Jack left though I was faced with how long I actually had left until I was going to return for Christmas. We were half way through October already and I did not leave the hospital wing until the 17th.

Time was quickly running out until I would have to return home.

Even on the morning of my release madam pomfrey was still hesitant at letting me go, though I was perfectly capable. There was still slight bruising and some shallow scratches remained but nothing that I could not conceal and deal with. However she insisted on giving me some pain relieving potions.

As soon as I got out though it was straight back into usual life. I had to go and see bellatrix almost immediately after my release, for as to the outside world we were friends and it is only natural that after you come back from somewhere you go and see your 'friends'.

So that was that. It was though the attack never happened. I wasn't sure what I expected but being stuck in that room for a fortnight gave a lot of time for reflection on, well everything. Being thrown back into my act was quite hard as I forgot to prepare myself for the scale on which I would have to lie once again.

Although some things had changed. Remus avoided me. Completely. I walked in a room and he would leave. Every time I looked at him the guilt in his eyes was heartbreaking. From the moment I saw Remus I could tell almost immediately that he was a good person. It's rare that you come across good people, not flawless but good. With good intentions and always putting others before themselves. The problem with these people however is that they were irrationally hard on themselves. Even if they have the best of intentions it doesn't always go right and then they blame themselves completely. My friend was exactly the same so I had some experience with it.

Sirius it seemed had finally done what I asked of him. He was staying away. Even though the when I asked he said that he wouldn't. Though ashamed to confess it he had plagued my mind when I was alone. I wanted to ask him why he kissed me but I would not go and look for him. After all he had done what I asked. I was supposed to be happy, feel relieved that I would no longer have to deal with it on top of everything else.

So why wasn't I?

I found myself thinking about him yet again one night in the common room when lily was telling me about the upcoming hogsmeade trip.

"Ron? Ronnie are you listening to me?" Lily asked in an exasperated way. When I turned she looked at me with expectant eyes.

"Of course I was" I defended.

"Oh really? Then what did I say?" she was amused now.

"You were telling me about hogsmeade" I said lightly but with conviction.

"Yes but what about it?"

"You were telling me about a book shop?" I guessed.

Her look was my answer twisted eyebrow and her eyes saying a sarcastic ha-ha.

"Sorry" I apologized.

"What's wrong with you? You've been zoning out all day" It was true I did it all through classes and then even with the slytherin's. My attention span was getting dangerously low.

Even at that moment I noticed, well was more distracted actually, by the last remaining students walking up to bed leaving the common room empty but from me and lily.

"You're doing it now" She pointed out sharply.

"Sorry" I apologized yet again. "It's just I'm so bored. The last time we did anything was weeks back"

"Yeah and look how that ended" She said grimly.

"True it didn't have the best outcome but at least we did something. It's nearly 12 o'clock lily and I'm not even remotely tired." I was fed up I wanted to go for wander but that would just be pointless.

Then I had an idea.

"Lily" I said in a sing song voice. She looked up at me eyeing me warily like I was about to confess to killing her owl or something. "What? She asked.

"Remember that book you wanted to get but McGonagall wouldn't let you get it?" I asked my voice innocent just like my eyes.

"The one in the restricted section?" She asked frowning. Clearly she had worked it out.

"That's the one. Well I know I said that it was silly to want to make a cleaning potion but who am I to stand in the way of your academic achievements. And as you said it would be useful for your mum seeing as you cant use magic to help so as my apology for my horrendous lack of interest, I have decided that I will accompany you in retrieving it" I said this like I was doing something amazingly helpful. Breaking into a library may not be the biggest thrill but it might catch my attention for a little while.

"You want to break into the library?" She asked slowly.

"Well not breaking in exactly. I mean it's not like were going to destroy any of the precious, precious books. All we are doing is furthering our knowledge on potions." I'm such a nice person.

"You want to break into the school library?" She said again like she still wasn't hearing right.

"Well isn't that what schools for lily. To learn?" I asked.

"I'm a prefect" She said like that was an answer.

"Well fine then" I huffed sitting back and crossing my arms. "Don't make a cleaning potion. Don't help your mother even though she spends every day in the summer cleaning you mess. But don't worry about it lily. You be selfish that's fine" I said mock glaring at her.

Lily bit her lip looking indecisive.

"Fine I'll go myself" I said getting up and steeping away but I turned round once more.

"But you do know that I'll probably get caught and then the psycho caretaker will whip me to death and you'll feel really guilty so that when you and James finally get it together you'll name one of your twenty children veronica and she'll hate you for calling her it…but don't worry at least you'll be able to keep you kids in line by telling them of bad Ronnie who snuck out after hours and then got herself killed." I said dramatically before turning to head for the portrait hole.

Of course the second I was over the threshold Lily was beside me.

Turning to her I grinned. "Me and potter will not get together" She said crossing her arms and walking ahead. I smiled and quickened my pace before linking arms with her and laughing.

"Yes you will." I said simply.

Lily answered with a mere glare making me laugh even more at her reluctance to accept her fate.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"So how are we going to actually get in the library?" She asked when we were eventually nearly there. Lily insisted on no talking as she didn't want to get caught. Even now her voice was a bare whisper.

"I don't know" I shrugged not fazed by it at all. I was in a rather hyper mood for some reason. Though that isn't a good thing usually I do rather foolish things when I'm hyper. Then again at least I have fun.

"This was your idea" she said wide eyed

"Whats your point?"

She seemed caught at what to say and just looked at me in horror.

"Oh don't be so overdramatic. Come on even if we do get caught whats going to happen?" I asked cocking my head to the side when asking her.

"I'm a prefect Ronnie. I can't get caught out of bed after curfew. We'll get detention" She said as though detention was death.

"And?" I shrugged.

"I've never had detention" She said.

I gasped "You've never had detention!" I shouted at her. Perhaps a little too loudly as I heard it echo of the walls.

"Shhhhhh" She hissed at me holding a hand over my mouth I removed it.

"Sorry. But god lily you've never had detention?" I asked just to double check and make sure she had actually said the right thing.

"No" She said shaking her head.

"Wow" I said genuinely shocked. But before either of us could take the conversation further we heard a meowing in the hall near us.

"Mrs. Norris" Whispered lily.

"Isn't she that cat that belongs to the psycho man?" I asked mildly bothered.

Lily nodded at me and looked really nervous. "Lily it's a cat" I said slowly.

"Yes but she is always with him," She breathed out.

What...Oh. That's not good.

"Hiding would be good" I muttered glancing around before seeing a door that I swore wasn't there when I cast my eyes over that spot a few moments ago.

"Who's there?" I heard a wheezy voice call to us from dangerously near. He was very close. Close enough so that I could see the light from his lamp spread down an adjoining corridor.

"Come on" I said to lily pulling her by the hand towards the door. As I got close I realized that the door itself was quite grand. I brushed it off though and opened it as quietly as I could. Pulling lily in I realized it was an unusually clean broom closet.

When closing the door the entire room was covered in pitch black. If I lit my wand then it may show through the crack under the door. Bit of a give away.

"I'm sure there wasn't a door here before" I heard Lily mutter very softly. I agreed but didn't want to say anything as I could hear filch and his manic cat coming down the corridor.

"Shh" I whispered to lily.

Can't say that this was exactly what I planned but at least it was better than sitting in front of the fireplace being bored.

"Okay. I think they've gone" I whispered into what seemed like an empty space.

Carefully and slowly I twisted the little knob until the door opened without the slightest creak. I noticed how easy it was to open compared to most of the doors in this very old castle. No noise or struggle it just glided open.

Peering out I saw the hallway to be completely empty.

"Right we can go out" I said leaving the closet but still being quiet as I knew he wasn't very far away.

"That was really, really close" Said lily that looked both relieved and nervous.

"Ha" I heard someone bark behind us. Lily gave a squeak and even I jumped a little. Turning around I saw filch walking towards us looking triumphant. Ugh he really was a disgusting man. He seemed to repel me for some reason.

"Where did you come from?" I demanded before I even thought what I was doing. Well done Ronnie, piss him off even more.

"Thought you outsmarted me did ya? Well let me tell you little…"

"Will you please take a step back?" I asked weary already of his more than rude attitude. He was very, very close to me and he didn't smell right. Personal space psycho man!

He seemed momentarily stunned by my attitude but all I did was raise an eyebrow in question to his silence. After all he couldn't do anything. He could take us to a teacher yes, but he couldn't strike me, he couldn't curse me, he couldn't even give me detention so there was no way that I would be submitting to his 'authority'. I was also rather angry that he had ruined my plans.

"Come with me. Now" He snarled resisting the urge to drag me by the hair I could tell. He walked meaning us to follow him and I took the opportunity to give lily an apologetic look.

"Sorry" I pleaded with her. I had gotten her into trouble and genuinely felt bad.

"It's ok" She replied by the look in her eye she seemed almost… exhilarated. Ha.

"Are you hard of hearing girls" he snapped from ahead.

I rolled my eyes at lily before following him.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

We were both stood outside McGonagall's office in which the psycho one had entered moments before. I wasn't very keen on this meeting but oh well. My mood was very carefree at that moment oddly enough. When I should have been apologetic and ashamed. The thought alone nearly made me laugh; Lily gave me a questioning look as I smiled.

I shook my head about to whisper to her when the door opened and 'He' hobbled out glaring daggers at us both muttering about torture or something.

Oh wasn't he divine.

"Go in now" He ordered at us clearly pleased that we were going to get in trouble. I glared at his retreating figure before turning to lily who was about to enter the transfiguration classroom.

"Lily" She looked at me with nervous emerald eyes. "Can you wait here for a minute? Let me go in and explain what happened"

Her eyes were hesitant glancing back and forth from me to the room. "I should come in as well Ron…"

"Lily please 5 minutes" I begged giving her my best pleading look.

"Fine" She broke "But don't say anything too far fetched" She knew I was going to make up some story. But I was rather appalled that she thought it wouldn't be convincing.

She noticed my look and smiled a teasing smile before leaning against the wall again.

"How dare you" I said mock offended before turning from her and walking into the classroom.

Shutting the door behind me I faced Minerva wearing a tartan dressing gown and looking very stern. I was going to feel guilty but after seeing her expression I didn't feel guilty for what I was about to say at all. I mean for gods' sake, she knows how much stress I'm under so if want to have some fun then she can just deal with it. Of course I was going to make up some story and guilt trip her into letting us off. Usually I would feel guilt for manipulating people close to me but as I said I wasn't going to now.

"I do not take kindly to being woken up in the middle of the night veronica" Her voice stern and snappy.

Well I didn't wake you up. The hobbler did.

"Minerva I'm sorry. I know my behavior tonight has been careless and stupid but…" I trailed off pretending to be slightly emotional. "Today since I just got out the hospital wing and everything, it was very…oh I don't know but being thrown back init my role so suddenly was hard Minerva. So tonight I just wanted to do something that might take my mind of it for a little while. Lily was really kind and we were heading down to the kitchens but then we ran into Mr. filch and…Minerva I'm sorry" I said looking up at with pleading eyes.

She seemed sympathetic, but she also looked indecisive. "Veronica I understand that. But I must act as your head of house and a teacher" Her words sank in to me and as they went deeper my reaction got stronger. Manipulation aside I had to clench my jaw to stop myself from saying something. Maybe it was hormones that were causing my mood swings but my carefree attitude seemed to slip away whist she looked at me, it was followed immediately by irritation bordering anger.

"A lot of pupils are under pressure Veronica but they can't go wandering around after hours. The rules are in place for a reason and when broken there must be a consequence to prevent you from doing it again" Her eyes were sympathetic but her tone was the one she used when taking classes.

After Minerva said her piece I could only look at her. Select words replayed in my head. 'A lot of pupils are under pressure', True but I doubt hey have to lie and act and manipulate on top of that.

'I must act as your head of house and as a teacher', 'Cant go wandering about after hours', I get a distinct feeling that if the order needed some information that I had to obtain from being out of bed after curfew there would be no restrictions. I couldn't believe she was actually being so formal with me.

"I can't believe you. You know what kind of pressure I'm under. Wait sorry, no you don't you just think you do and yet you won't even cut me a tiny bit of slack." I said disbelief in my voice. I was angry with her. Very angry, but my breathing was deep and I was keeping it in check. For now.

"Veronica..." She said looking appalled. I don't think she was appalled at my words but more my attitude and posture. I had always shown Minerva great respect but she was going down in my estimation rather quickly as most do when I'm angry. Anger that at this point had begun to go deeper at her unfair judgment.

"Well I'm so sorry that your damn beauty sleep was interrupted" I spat at her sarcasm dripping from my voice. "You know you lot all think that you understand. You all give me sympathetic looks but when it comes down to it none of you have a clue. I mean I of course knew that you didn't understand what I do but I at least thought that maybe you grasped how hard it was on me. Apparently not though. I mean, its all Veronica do this and Veronica do that, when you feel like it, but as soon as I step out of line in comes the teacher" My voice was vindictive mirroring the hatred that was coursing through my veins at that moment. Hatred I didn't even know was there. But my anger justified my hatred. I felt like I hated her. I felt like I hated all of them. But my voice showed another emotion one that the anger was blocking out. Bitterness.

"You all just so what you all just do what you want when you want and why shouldn't you? It's not like your being watched and judged twenty four seven. You don't have to worry that if you say one wrong word then it's all over. You don't have to feel like your suffocating half the time from the guilt. Because none of you have the attachment. It's black and white with all of you. And you know why that is? It's because you don't have to live it. You don't have to feel it every single day, you don't need to lie and manipulate making the guilt even less bearable" I wasn't upset. This wasn't me sharing my feelings I was angry, very angry. And for the first time in my entire life I was just speaking, I wasn't thinking about what I said before I said it, the words just came from my mouth and I heard them as she did.

"Of course as soon as I try and have fun it's down with the Cain. But if you think for one second I'm going to conform to your authority the think again. If I want to take a little breather then you can either ignore it or deal with it. I don't really care which" I was breathing heavily and was trying to restrain myself from all out shouting at her.

Shock was the only emotion I could get from her blue eyes. Though as I waited I realized what I had just said. Where the hell did that come from? One minute I was all happy and carefree and the next I hated someone who hadn't actually done anything that horrendous. These were the thoughts that ran through my head but anger was still there strongly. My anger is a complex thing. Even when my thoughts are completely rational the emotion is too strong and often overpowers any other feelings I have. But this wasn't pure anger. I know what I'm like when I'm genuinely angry, this was something else. A frustrated rage almost.

"Do you wish to discuss this further or may I leave?" I asked her as calmly as possible after taking a deep breathes. An edge lingered in my voice and probably my features.

She too took a breathe before returning to her stern stance. My fists clenched involuntarily and my nails dug into my skin. For some reason seeing her emotion turning back to something so formal made me angry again. Another emotion came through the anger which startled me. I seemed rather upset. In fact the anger itself had begun to pour into this other emotion making it stronger and more dominant. As an automatic guard a barrier went up and my body, a moment ago, angry and imposing, went to its cold emotionless state that most people know.

"You may leave Veronica. Miss Evans will receive no punishment but I would like to speak with you tomorrow night" I didn't register her tone or her emotion. I was working too hard to conceal mine.

"I have an astronomy class tomorrow night" I explained absolutely no emotion whatsoever coming through.

I vaguely saw concern in her eyes but as I said I wasn't paying too much attention to my surroundings. My focus had moved to controlling my breathing that for some reason had become rather erratic.

"Then the following night. If it is convenient then come to the headmasters office at eight o'clock on Saturday"

"Fine" I answered immediately hearing the details she gave me vaguely. Not waiting for a response I went tot leave the room. I felt very boxed in and needed the air of another room because my body was rejecting the air from this one. The upset inside me had changed and had become slightly more panicked. I don't know why at all. But it was rather distressing so when I left the room and closed the door behind me I fell against it relief flooding through me. I found that I could breathe more freely.

"Ron are you alright" I heard lily ask clearly concerned.

"What? Oh yes, yes I'm fine" I said giving her a smile. A smile that masked the confusion in me. I was acting oddly and I didn't like not being in control of my emotions. "She was just rather hard to convince" I said playfully rolling my eyes.

Lily, though, I had gathered these past months, is quite observant and she grown to know me quite well. She was used to seeing me worn out and had seen a fair few mood swings also. She didn't believe me I could that instantly.

"Maybe I should take you to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey said that there may be some pain" She mumbled the last part to her self and once more I was filled with gratitude at her protectiveness and concern for me.

"Don't worry lily. I'm fine, really I am. I'm just…I'm just rather drained is all. It took a lot to get her to let us off"

"She let us off" Lily said shocked.

"We got there eventually" I said finally trusting my feet to walk and moving from the wall that held me. I wobbled slightly but lily seemed too shocked to notice so I forced myself to walk properly.

"What did you say to her?"

"Oh I just gave her some story about me being really distressed after the attack and stuff. She seemed rather sympathetic. Must have just caught her on a good night" I was using everything I had in keeping my tone light and happy.

"A really good night. She never lets anyone off. Especially if you're out after curfew she's usually really strict about that" Lily seemed genuinely confused and if I was her I would be too. McGonagall was famed for being Hogwarts strictest teacher and for good reason.

"Well we just got lucky." I said flippantly a dull ache lingered in my chest from my earlier panic but it seemed I had pretty much tamed it for now. What I really wanted was to sit down and think about what the hell just happened.

"Sorry we didn't get your book" I said to lily.

"Oh don't worry after all there's always next time" She said a grin on her face. I had been a bad influence on that girl.

"See sometimes breaking rules can be fun" I teased also smiling slightly. At least one of us was happy.

"Ron are you sure you're ok? You seem odd" either she is far too observant or I'm loosing my touch.

"I'm always ok" I replied to her as we reached the fat lady. She just gave me a small smile before giving the password.

I realized that she wasn't too observant and I was just as convincing as ever but now she knew me. She knew when I was lying. To some that may seem good, that we were close enough now that we couldn't lie to each other. But lying is like my safety blanket. It covers me in security and when it was taken away I felt vulnerable. I didn't know how long I would be able to convince her if I felt vulnerable.

Surely she would eventually realize that there was something deeper than my mask. It seemed that parts off me were being stripped away. Not just with lily but with everyone. It had not even been two months and yet everything had changed. Changes I had not adjusted myself for and now pieces of me were being pulled back getting closer and loser to whom I was.

And that is what frightened me. What if beneath the lies and the act I was that angry girl that hated everyone, like I was tonight with Minerva. What if I finally let out my real personality and I don't like what I saw. You'd think that I would know what lay beneath the act but I had no idea. I became lost in my lies. I have an act with everyone, everyone gets a different me, a me that suited each individual. With out manipulation and charm I had no idea who I was.

I knew that I was going to find out and that thought alone was enough to terrify me.

**Yep. I'm useless. I am so sorry it's took so long for me to get this up. Life's just been pretty complicated recently.**

**I would like to say that when she had trouble breathing she wasnt having a panic attack. It may seem that way but she wasnt. She was just overwhelmed with emotion and didnt now how to deal with it so she blocked everything out.**

**Review xxxxx**


	18. The End Justifies The Means

**I can't begin to tell everyone how sorry I am. I have no idea why this took so long but I just couldn't write this chapter! It had been so frustrating!! I've redone loads of my other chapters purely on the fact that I may as well because I wasn't getting anywhere with this one! I'm still not happy with it actually but I really, really had to get it out so I could carry on with this story.**

**I could give you a hundred excuses but none of them are good enough. All I can say is please don't give up on this story just because I'm useless and I promise, promise, promise you that this won't happen again. Thank you so much to any of my readers who have stuck with me through this story :) I love you all!**

**Just bare with me on this chapter, it's slightly…erratic shall we say.**

I slept for a grand total of 27 minutes that night.

I lay awake in the dark for hours on end picking things apart in my head, over analyzing details to the point where I was creating problems that weren't even there.

It was a flaw of mine, thinking too much when I need not. I stressed myself out so much thinking about myself falling apart that when what I was actually doing was just creating more cracks.

At half past five I couldn't take the self destruction anymore so decided that since breakfast would be starting at 6 I may as well just have a shower and go down, so I resurfaced from the lake of self pity I had shamefully been drowning in and made my way to the cold bathroom.

My shower was long as I hoped that the more refreshed I felt the less I would crave sleep. It didn't take me very long to get ready as I merely dried my hair and put it up and make up had long since left my face.

At 6'oclock I tip toed out of the painfully quite dorm leaving lily a small note telling her I went down early and that I would see her in herbolgy.

Usually I woke up at 7, so leaving my dorm dressed and ready an hour before I would even normally be up was odd.

Walking through the empty common room I almost sighed at the dismal grey light coming through from the cold outdoors. I glanced out to see rain. And not just any rain oh no, it was that awful fine rain that you can barely feel and yet it soaks you through and I had double herbolgy that morning. Great.

I walked slowly down to breakfast liking how empty the place was. Since it wasn't dark there was nothing very sinister about the echoing halls but actually it was rather relaxing in a peculiar way. The great hall itself was almost deserted. It was only just past six so very few people were up and ready yet, the noise levels were unheard of. Almost silence apart from the sound of clinking spoons.

There were roughly eight students dotting the ravenclaw table quite a few reading whilst eating; only two boys sat at the far end of the huffelpuff table mumbling to each other words that I could not distinguish. Three first year slytherin girls grouped at the slytherin table looking far too alert for this time in the day. The staff table was even fewer than usual.

I mused that I hadn't even eaten at the Gryffindor table since my arrival but my musing was cut short when I actually looked at my house table. There was one occupant at the tip staring down at a cup and mindlessly stirring the liquid within. As was customary nowadays Remus looked like there was stone pillar on his back as consequence of just murdering a loved one. I walked towards him quietly and sat myself opposite.

"Good morning" I said quietly making him aware of my presence.

Remus's golden eyes snapped up like a switch and widened upon viewing my identity. He stopped stirring the cup of coffee he had been absorbed in. I sighed in frustration with what I saw in his eyes. Misery, panic, fear, guilt and I could go on.

"Hi" He replied voice quieter than mine. I thought he would look away but he didn't in fact he stared right back into my eyes.

"Oh are you talking to me again or are we going to just sit here in silence whilst you attend your pity party?" I asked conversationally. Though I understood why he had been avoiding me and I saw how much he was hurting I couldn't help but feel a tad irritated with his avoidance.

That was selfish wasn't it? That I thought about myself when he was in pain.

Remus's gaze dropped back to his spoon and he seemed to be in some sort of pain. I thought he was about to answer but I was mistaken as he just continued to stare at his cup.

"Remus" I sighed weary of this interaction we had "Will you please talk to me" I pleaded softly.

"I almost killed you and you want a conversation" He asked me slowly his voice laced with a dark tone. I frowned taken aback by his response. His jaw was tight and he seemed angry.

"You didn't almost do anything. Remus _you _didn't attack me. It wasn't your fault" I assured him knowing full well he had no control when the moon was full.

When his usually warm golden eyes flashed up to me I almost flinched with the raw emotion I saw in them. I didn't like it one bit.

"What do you think attacked you Ronnie? Bunny rabbits?" He spat dangerously. His eyes held emotions far too complex for me to name, emotions that made his golden eyes darken. "No. it was me. It was me that tore your bones to pieces, it was me that wanted to get to Lily and do you know what I would have done to her? I would have shredded her apart so much she wouldn't even recognize herself. Not that it would be her anymore of course because I would have ripped away her humanity, her control." A dark silence fell as he looked away from me his jaw tight.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"You're sorry?" He glared mad at my apology. It was difficult to see him angry.

"For being so thoughtless." I had been. Did I even take into consideration how awful this was for him? Barely. All I thought about was how his avoidance upset _me. _Inconvenienced _me._ I felt the familiar feeling of disgust as I realized for the hundredth time in my life how selfish I was. I despised it. It upset me more than any of my other qualities.

See I was doing it now, Remus was before me upset and hurt and I was thinking about me.

Remus stared at me frowning so I carried on with my apology. "I do that a lot. I put myself first without even thinking about how other people feel. I try not to but…well sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it until it's already done. I should have been more considerate of how difficult this has been for you so I'm sorry." I had never, ever in my entire existence spoken of how I felt about myself not even to my best friends in beaxbatons and yet the words just came out as I looked at the heartbroken werewolf.

"You almost died trying to save someone's life." He said flatly.

"That was different. It was a reckless snap decision and to be perfectly honest the only reason I think I kept getting back up is because I'm too stubborn to let myself get beaten by anything." I explained. "Anyways you were coming at both of us not just Lily so I was saving myself as much as I was saving her." I pointed out.

His eyes no longer held anger but I could still see the devastation. My mood snapped quickly from sympathy to slight irritation.

"Whether you like it or not Remus you're a good person so can't we just draw a line under this? I mean I'm fine." I gestured to myself my voice a bit louder than it had been before. I glanced around the hall to make sure no one was listening.

The anger came back to his eyes. "Draw a line? How can I possibly draw a line underneath it veronica when every single time I go to sleep all I can hear is you whimpering and your bones breaking." Remus whispered at the end meeting my eye now with a look of heartbreaking sorrow. Again I felt a hit of guilt for my impatience.

"Remus, it. Wasn't. Your. Fault." I stated firmly willing him to suddenly realize he had done nothing wrong. "You never asked for this? You never asked to be bitten. What happened that night Remus that wasn't you."

"It was part of me though. It's always there in me just waiting to come out."

I sighed narrowing my eyes as my unjustified impatience persisted. I had stopped myself from saying this to anyone but I couldn't stop myself then. "Remus when you change you always make sure you're in the shrieking shack don't you?" James had informed me of the monthly ritual.

Remus frowned but nodded "I'm supposed to."

"Then why were you out?"

He didn't reply just frowned, so I answered for him "Because your three friends wanted some fun." I said bluntly "They were perfectly aware of what would happen if you were to get close to someone and yet they were still careless enough to let you wander off." It as unfair that Remus was made to feel guilty for something that wasn't his fault, that he was almost expelled because Dumbledore couldn't take the risk of this happening again.

"It's not their fault." Remus defended firmly.

"Right, so you're telling me that if they had been there then all this still would have happened?" I waited for a reply but he seemed too frustrated to answer. "No it wouldn't have Remus." His eyes narrowed and his words came out like lashes when eh next spoke.

"Don't you think they know this? Do you honestly believe that they aren't feeling guilty?" His anger was masking sadness. "They don't do it for fun." He stated quietly.

Remus's eyes fell to his cup once more as he continued in atone of voice that made my stomach twist.

"You've no idea what my transformations are like, the pain…" He closed his eyes for a moment. When they reappeared it was almost as though there was a wall trapping his feelings from my view. "All my organs resize and move, my bones shift half of them breaking in the process and your mind…" He frowned "All you want to do it sink your teeth into someone. But you can't. So you end up sinking your teeth into _yourself, _ripping at _yourself_ so that every month by the time the moon goes down your half dead." His voice was horribly toneless as he spoke but when he looked up there was an undeniable emotion staring at me. Guilt. "They have to watch that ever month. They have to watch me transform and though they can't stop it coming they can make sure I don't end up dead in the morning. You see when I'm out in the open, if I can run, I'm not so restless. I don't hurt myself and they take my mind away from wanting to find someone by distracting me. They took me out of the shack Ronnie because they didn't want me to hurt myself and if anything it only made things harder for them not more entertaining.

"Do you know how many times I've broken one of Sirius's bones because I threw him too hard or clawed at James because he wouldn't let me go where I wanted or even almost crushed peter because he got in my way?" His words had an affect but I couldn't shake my question.

"Where were they then?" I asked quietly.

"Trying to find me." He replied sadly "Sirius and I were play fighting but I hit him too hard and he went tumbling down this pretty steep hill. The wolf still though it was a game and that Padfoot would bound back up at me in a moment but he didn't. he was down there for a while do Prongs went to go forward and get to him but the wolf always hates it when prongs tries to interfere with his games so I lashed out to throw him back and he hit a this really big tree. Peter was on Prongs antlers because he's too small to keep up otherwise so when James went into the tree he tried to jump off to stop him from getting hurt only he hit one of prongs's hooves and he broke his hand.

"I didn't know any of this at the time, not that it would have bothered me, so when I saw Padfoot get up again I ran off, you know still playing. I ran through the woods but then I heard you." Remus's jaw seemed to tighten slightly as though his words hurt "As soon as I heard you and lily I came straight for you. The second I was gone they came looking Ronnie but by the time they found me…"

I didn't speak for a few moments.

"Sorry." He apologized "I went too far…"

"No you didn't. You were just explaining to me….its just slightly distressing I suppose." I muttered feeling weak for craving an end to merely words when the person infront of me actually had to live this every month.

"You were right though." He said after yet another moment of silence. "I tend to be rather self pitying."

"No Remus you really aren't." I felt guilty for my earlier words aswell. I wasn't doing o well. "If I were you" I shook my head. "Well I wouldn't be strong enough to deal with what you have to." I couldn't bring myself to say what it actually was that he had to deal with.

The pain, the guilt, the worry, the knowing that if people were to find out you would be all but exiled. But the thing for me that would be the hardest was the inevitability. To that every single month you would have to go through that, knowing full well the pain and the agony you would have to endure… that must be terrifying. To have no control. Nothing that you can do to prevent it.

What did I say? What could I say?

He sighed with a frown on his face.

Years of inbreeding definitely left its mark on me. I was ridiculously erratic so irritation triggered in me like I shot.

"Remus." I whispered sharply careful to jeep my voice quiet still. "Whether you choose to believe it or not you area good person. If you were so bad then you wouldn't be feeling guilt for any of this. There is only one problem here Remus and that is the fact that you still have to go through that hell every month and for that I'm sorry but I seriously don't see another obstacle. It won't happen again because James has sworn to me that he won't be letting you out of his sight from now on. Neither I nor lily holds any anger towards you so we certainly won't be telling anyone." I took a deep breathe realizing my voice was too sharp. "Sorry. I am not the most patient of people. It's just so frustrating to see you like this especially since I'm absolutely fine."

"You don't seem fine." Remus pointed out looking at me directly once more.

"That's not because of what happened. That's…that's something entirely different" I muttered looking down at my empty plate. I realized I wasn't very hungry so just poured myself a glass of orange juice instead.

"You should eat" He said looking at my glass.

"I'm not hungry" Mildly surprised by his change in attitude. I also noted that his eyes seemed less pain filled. Maybe my sharp ways did help. Who knew my inherited impatience may actually help me one day.

"Lily doesn't seem fine either." He said suddenly watching for my reaction.

_That's because she's worried about me._

"She's just a bit disappointed to find out that the shrieking shack isn't actually haunted." I said lightly.

He actually smiled a tiny bit at that which lifted my mood considerably. "I actually wanted to ask you something." He said slowly.

"Okay."

"Well it's just that you never mentioned you were an anemorphamagus."

"How did you know I was? I could have been an animagus" I said frowning.

"Sirius said you were" He explained and though his voice was very normal his eyes held mild hesitation.

"Did he now" I said lightly a mixture of emotions flooding through me remembering just how much Sirius black knew of me. I didn't relish that.

"Sorry I should have pried" Said Remus worrying he had hit a nerve of some sort.

"Don't be silly it's hardly a delicate subject, what would you like to know?" I said indifferently. To be honest I never really thought about it as it never affected me normally.

"Well can you transform into any cat?"

"I don't know. In theory apparently I'm capable of it but you see it's really tiring to transform into anything. It's not like an animagus. I'm not really practiced so the chances are if I tried to be a tiger I could end up a kitten. What happened the other night was an exception I only did it because I had to that's actually the first time I've done it in years"

"But it must be fun in a way"

"No as I said it's really tiring and I usually a headache or something afterwards, it's useful I suppose for emergencies but I wont be doing anytime soon" I said simply taking a drink from my glass and almost gagging when I did.

"What?" Remus asked looking amused at my face.

"Its got bits in it" I explained with disgust pushing my glass away.

Remus chuckled very quietly and even with the lingering taste of repulsive pulp I couldn't help but give a smile.

"Hey." My eyes darted from Remus to see where the noise came from and I saw peter Pettigrew looking hesitant to interrupt.

I gave peter a small smile to show him I had no problem towards him. I knew very little of Pettigrew only what I had gathered from observation. He wasn't very strong minded and was very easily influenced; however he was neither insecure nor shy. Being friends with the people he was had brought him confidence I think, he had moments of boldness and I had also gathered that he practically worshipped James. In my mind that was his biggest flaw. James could say jump and peter would bounce around the room merely to please him. there is no problem with showing admiration and loyalty to your friends in fact I respect that but to adore your friends the way peter did James was…uncomfortable.

Sirius, I had noticed, also thought along these lines as he would roll his eyes at peter frequently and often get irritated with his actions. Remus though it seemed was quite fond of peter and he was very kind to him. In turn peter was also very fond of Remus and saw him as a very big comfort I think. All in all my overall judgment of Pettigrew was quite good. After all he risked a lot and worked very hard in order to help his friend and he was also the one that had gotten lily away safely two weeks prior.

"Good morning Pete" Said Remus. Peter glanced at me once more before sitting down next to his friend. Obviously he was unsure around me. After all why not. First he see's me cold and heartless then he see's me as a giant cat attacking his friend and now here I was sat with him. If I was one of these people that got uncomfortable with silences then that would have been an awkward moment.

"Do either of you have the time." I asked. I didn't want to stick around for when the students began to pour in.

"A quarter to seven." Said peter quietly.

I nodded standing up. I may aswell go and get my things from my dorm and avoid the students. When I say students I mean Tudor and Bellatrix mainly.

"You haven't eaten anything." Remus pointed out.

"I said I wasn't hungry. Besides I'm not really in the mood for…" I glanced to the slytherin table. "Socializing with certain people at the moment."

Remus looked over to where my gaze had just left and then back at me with an understanding look.

"Are you normally up at this time?" I asked them both curious as to how people could drag themselves out of bed at this ungodly hour.

Remus opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by a rather loud Mr. Potter entering the room. Unfortunately for me he was not alone. I wonder if you can guess his companion.

"Actually it doesn't matter." I sighed "I'll see you both later." _Don't look at him. Don't look at him._

"Good morning Veronica." James cried grinning as I past him.

"James." I acknowledged.

_Dammit I looked at him! _Sirius was looking at me with a mixture of feelings but again there was one that stood out to me. Concern.

Why was he concerned? I walked swiftly passed him refusing my eyes permission to look back at the person staring after me.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

As usual the day was hard and tested my patience. Anger had become my brand new best friend. People didn't see it as I would not let my inner conflict be seen by absolutely anyone, not even lily, but all through the say I felt a confusing anger and frustration switch on. Especially with bellatrix. Bellatrix was really testing me. After a while of it I had reached a stage were the mere sound of her voice caused irritation to arise in me.

I was very proud of myself that for 7 solid hours after breakfast I kept my emotions in check perfectly. On the outside anyway. Not even lily thought anything was wrong.

I was relieved enormously that last night seemed to be a mere mood swing. I could live with that after all I am a teenage girl and I am entitled.

Apparently though it wasn't a mood swing.

You see that afternoon I had transfiguration.

I walked in. I was fine. Then she looked at me.

"Deep breathes' had become my new mantra.

I wanted to hit her. Her look was one of concern.

_Dam straight you should be concerned. For your own well being if you keep looking at me like that_, I thought angrily as she took the class. Every single time her damn eyes swept over me there was the concern. And every time I gave her a cold look. Masking the rather heated one I would have preferred.

Now at least time I restrained myself from doing or saying anything but I was still very concerned with the rather brutal emotions I had begun to feel. When I looked at her I still a dim hatred beneath the anger.

The fact she was concerned actually fuelled the fire. I didn't like concern. I didn't like people thinking I needed it or I needed them. It made me feel weak.

And after all these years of telling myself how strong I was feeling weak made me angry.

The second the bell rang for the class to be dismissed I left. I didn't wait for lily like I should have I just left very quickly and walked in a stealthy pace for a good 10 minutes before the anger disappeared. My breathing was oddly heavy and it wasn't due to my walking. With a deep breathe I kicked myself of the wall I hadn't realized I was leaning on and told myself with conviction that having a breakdown wasn't going to help anyone or anything, least of all me.

XxXXxXxXXxXxX

I was tired, fed up, bored and tired. Tired, tired, and tired. Since my little episode earlier I had been off with everyone. I had been distant with lily and I knew she noticed, in potions I was very cold with James and as for bellatrix I ended up snapping at her on more than one occasion.

The reason I was being so distant is because I was feeling so many things inside me that I was scared if I let my guard down even for a moment they would all come spilling out.

I was marginally relieved when the time came for my astronomy lesson. I had always liked astronomy; I found it soothing to look up at the sky. There was also the added bonus of silence.

However I found no joy in this one. For there was one particular star that held my attention. Stupid damn Dog Star.

To add insult to injury the teacher wished to speak with me. Apparently she wanted to make sure that I understood everything after my absence. I wanted to get the hell out of the draughty tower so her holding me back to discuss even more work really wasn't putting her in my good books.

When I was eventually set free I realized that today really, really wasn't my lucky day. Peeves, it seemed, had deemed it fun to reek havoc on my usual route to the Gryffindor tower so I had to detour and go down like 20 staircases I really couldn't be bothered going down.

The castle was very draughty causing it to be very cold. So cold in fact that I could actually see my breathe leave my body in small clouds of white. The cold did not bother me too much actually, I preferred the cold to heat as you can warm yourself up when it is cold but In the heat it is very difficult to cool yourself down and I hate being hot.

I was getting irritable by the time I stepped off what felt like the 100th staircase and decided to sit for a moment. I may have mentioned I was tired and I wanted just a moment to stop the little headache that had begun to form. Immediately when I sat down I regretted it. The stone was hard and cold. I didn't know what I was expecting but I was hardly in the best of mind frames at that moment.

I turned my head to the left and was faced with a rather unwelcome sight.

Rabastan Lestrange stood some feet away looking at me as though he had no idea anyone else was supposed to be in the castle.

It was cold and late, I didn't want to have a conversation with him at that moment. As far as I was concerned he was pretty much an utter twat.

"Veronica what are you doing up so late?" He asked eying me curiously, lacking, as usual, to discreetly check me out. Oh no Rabastan did it openly. The familiar feeling of revulsion came to me, the urge to roll my eyes way overwhelming.

"I was on my way back from astronomy, and yourself." I asked, turning on my charm and speaking in a light voice. No matter my feeling's for him it would not do well to upset someone my brothers regarded as a friend.

"Now that would be telling. I was however rather hoping to speak with you at some point." He said to me. Wanker.

"Oh really, and what did you want to speak about?" I asked slightly intrigued

"I wanted to see how you were after your encounter with the….whomping willow" He said with an eyebrow raised. I noticed he put an emphasis on the words whomping willow.

"At the time it was quite serious as I am sure you know but now I can gladly say that I am fully recovered." I replied standing up to meet him as I did not like being looked down on by anyone let alone him.

"Only the willow can get fairly brutal"

"I am quite aware of how violent it can be. I was on the receiving end, remember?" My light tone dropped immediately as I saw him look at me as though I was prey and he the predator. I felt uncomfortable but not in the way that I usually did around him. There was a look in his eye that I did not like.

He paused for a moment and looked at me. He gave me a hard look but seconds later adopted a playful look.

"You know me and bellatrix were talking a few hours ago. Do you know what we were speaking of?" He asked lightly. His sudden change in stature made the weariness I felt moments ago vanish. I was on alert examining his features and eyes.

He seemed genuinely playful.

"Well you clearly want to tell me and I have no objection to hearing it." I replied coldly.

"We were speaking of her cousin. Sirius Black I'm sure you know him. He too is a blood traitor." His light voice was gone in an instant his eyes now dark.

I could not let his comment go unchallenged.

I stepped forward so that I was closer to him before speaking. "How dare you call me a bloo…" I whispered harshly only to be cut off by him pinning me to a cold hard wall by my wrists. I was momentarily stunned and appalled by this drastic turn of events.

"Don't even think about lying to me Veronica" He snarled bending his head down so he was eye level to me. His grip was strong and he looked fierce but I would not allow anyone to pin me to a wall and receiving no retaliation.

I struggled hard against his grip. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" I asked slowly in a low voice.

He seemed to be amused by my struggling. "Do you think that no one knew?" He teased. He bent his head so that I spoke directly into my ear causing me to shudder as his breathe touched my neck. "I saw you" He whispered in a sing song voice.

"Saw me!" I yelled indecorously. I stopped struggling now and just looked at him defiantly as he raised his head so to look at me again. What the hell was he talking about!

"Did you know I had trouble sleeping sometimes veronica? No? Well I do. And sometimes when I get a tad restless I like to take a nice walk. So a few weeks ago when I couldn't sleep I took a little stroll. But it was disturbed by two very selfish little girls. They were being quite noisy so I decided to go and have a look. Well to say I was shocked was a bit of understatement. Because when I looked out at the lake low and behold there you were. There you were laughing with a little mudblood" His jaw was clenched and his eyes bore into mine with anger.

The realization of what he was referring to set in and although I felt internal panic I refused to let it show in my eyes. Though it seemed that he was not finished.

"Such a shame" He tutted "What would it do to your brothers if they were told that the sister they believed to have merely been the victim of a mistake was actually a lying little blood traitor." Rabastan pouted in an ill attempt of sorrow but in an instant his eyes sparked "I wonder how they would react if I told them how I saw you almost die. Almost die to save a worthless little mudblood." His voice taunted me and his hold on my wrists tightened making me wince. I could have denied it but what was the point. He had seen everything.

"I became concerned you know. Concerned when you couldn't stand up anymore so I decided to get someone, after all we couldn't have daddy dearest loosing his only daughter now could we? But and this, this is the good bit Veronica, because I was transfixed on what I saw next. Do you know what I saw?"

"Oh do tell." I whispered harshly.

Rabastan smiled maliciously at me before continuing with the story he had clearly longed to tell. "A stag! A stag came running out and actually started attackingthis werewolf! Well it's not everyday that you see that is it? Well actually let's be fair how often do you see a werewolf." He laughed "Though wait, wait because can you believe it , it actually get even better! You see Mr. Stag had a friend with him…" He trailed of smiling. I glared at him. "Now this is the part where your gonna have to keep up Veronica because it gets a little confusing now." He warned. "You see there was a dog, but it wasn't actually a dog! Because as soon as it reached you, I actually found myself looking at Sirius Black. Now aint that the weirdest thing?" Rabastan then narrowed his eyes in what appeared to be irritation. "Black though, ruined my evening, see he came running over to me so I had to leave."

"Oh! But I saw something else!" He cried so suddenly I almost started "The mudblood wasn't alone either at this point, oh no, Pettigrew seemed to magically sprout up from beside _it._" Even in my panic I felt anger at the way he spoke of Lily.

"I thought about going o your brothers and recounting my little tale but I thought that it would be much more fun to see what you had to say for yourself. So I waited." His smiled grew making his eyes glint cruelly. "According to Troy, little Veronica was attacked by a tree. So I came to a conclusion. You knew the werewolf didn't you?" My heart went off into a sprint "you knew that if you told the truth then poor little wolfie wouldn't be howling at the moon again any time soon. Then I got curious. Who was it?" His question as rhetorical. He knew the answer.

"Do you have any idea how easy it actually was to find out?" He laughed a twisted laugh that made me want to tremble. "I'd already seen Black and Pettigrew and I think we both know the other half to that little group. I found out that Lupin went bye bye every month and did you know that Potter's nickname was Prongs?" Rabastan's voice was incredibly light and a playful curiosity littered his almost black orbs. "It seems you've been mixing with more than mudbloods doesn't it Veronica? Tell me, have I missed anything?" Rabastan asked, eyes looking searchingly into my own.

My breathing was shallow. I was stunned, panicked, angry, slightly fearful but mostly nervous. I was nervous as to why, if he had seen so much, knew so much, then why had he told no one?

"Why have you not told anyone?" My voice came out barely more than a whisper.

"And why would I do that?" He asked eyes sparkling coldly.

I was momentarily confused until I realized to whom I was speaking to. by the way he pinned me to the wall I knew he was someone who had to be in control, what better way to control someone that to blackmail them?

"What exactly is it that you want from me Rabastan?" I asked bluntly.

He looked smug for a moment and I glared at him angry and nervous that he had this control over me. His grip tightened bruising my already painful wrists.

"Nothing. Yet. "Malicious is the only word I could use that would describe his tone of voice.

My mind worked so quickly I could barely register my own thoughts. The person infront of me had the knowledge and possibly the motive to ruin everything. If he was to tell people of what he saw then everything would crumble. Lily would be in serious danger for the second Troy learned that she meant something to me I was almost certain that he would hurt her to hurt me. Remus would be…well it think you can guess the reaction of the students and the parents if they were to learn of what he was and that wasn't even starting on the fact that eh almost killed me. Of course there was also Dumbledore who would receive the blame for letting a werewolf into the school and endangering everyone. I suppose that there was actually a possibility of him having to step down, especially if my father got involved. Allowing a student to be almost killed under his care?

Peter, Sirius and James would be expelled at the very least for becoming illegal animagi meaning their wands to be snapped and my treachery would be confirmed indefinite and I have no idea what that would lead to.

Blackmail was obviously Rabastan and motive but even if I complied with his every word he would still know, leaving me constantly in suspense, sooner or later he would tell someone. That was assuming eh already hadn't.

I felt something that no one outside my family had ever made me feel. Helpless.

"Don't worry Veronica it will be our little secret. Well for now that is." My contact with Rabastan had been minimal up tot this point but after that conversation there was one thing quite evident to me about Rabastan Lestrange. He was completely, irrevocably out of his tree. He had to be one of the most mentally deranged, inbred human beings I had ever come across. In turn that made him ten times the threat.

He was unpredictable. I knew nothing of what he would do or what eh wanted. I could manipulate nearly anyone, all I had to do was work out certain things about the individual but when faced with someone completely insane it becomes almost impossible to manipulate them.

One thing was certain though, I had to do something.

Rabastan it seemed was apparently satisfied with his work and he was planning on leaving the conversation at that. For now anyway.

He turned from me, letting go of my wrists.

_Don't let him walk away._

My wand was drawn before I could even really skim through what it was that I was about to do. My sensible side was telling me I had to think something like this through but the other side to me, the malicious, angry, panicked side was overpowering my common sense.

I had to do this, I couldn't let him walk away knowing what he knew. He had the potential to ruin too many lives.

"Rabastan." I called. I couldn't bring myself to curse his back. Had circumstances been different I may have found amusement in that my morals kicked in given what I was doing. He turned to me and in a flash I raised my wand and muttered the incantation. It was a complicated spell so I had to really focus, but there was a problem.

My wrist was bruised and painful so when I did the sharp wand movement, I didn't get the desired affect. I knew I had screwed up the second the spell left my wand and went hurtling to him.

Slowly he crumbled to the ground.

I stared at his body for what felt like a decade before quickly going to him. It had gone wrong. Something was wrong.

He was breathing. At least he was alive. I scanned my eyes down his torso looking for any sign of injury but there was nothing. He looked like he had fainted.

A minute or so passed before I regained my composure. I straightened my back and took a deep breathe. It was done. I couldn't undo it.

My eyes scanned the area thoroughly, my ears listening intently for any sign of movement. In most cases of urgency I was decisive and precise but there was one question bounding around my head like a painful drumming.

_What do I do?_

Surely it wasn't as simple as just leaving him here. There had to be something I had to clear up.

As I looked down at him I saw his eyes that had only moments before been tormenting and torturing me look up lifeless. Without hesitation I brought my wand up and used every cleaning spell I knew on the surrounding area. I didn't even know if this would help but I had read enough books to know how the littlest things can incriminate you.

Closely after however I found myself stood in the middle of the corridor once more at a loss to what to do. My breathe was coming out in white clouds as the air was so cold but my arms stayed limply at my sides showing no sign that they would try and warm me.

_Surely it can't be as easy as aiming a spell and cleaning a few things_.

There must have been something I missed but I could think of nothing. There was nothing at all to link me to this area.

I looked over to him and saw that his lips had slowly turned a faint blue.

_Oh god, if I leave him here he will freeze!!_

Panic really set in now as I couldn't leave him here to die. I had already taken away enough of his life and I couldn't take away the rest. But I couldn't move him.

Frustration took place of the panic.

_This is fucking insane!! What the hell am I doing?_

"V?" I froze at the voice that came from behind me.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh. My. God.

I didn't have to turn to know who it was but I did anyway, Sirius looked back at me but his gaze quickly flitted to the boy at my feet.

I knew that even I couldn't talk my way out of this one.

**Feel free to chastise me on my bad updating and once again I really am sorry. Also I would just like to add that this is a Sirius and Ronnie story and there wont be any love triangles or anything so Remus and her are just friends.**

**Review xxxxx**


	19. Weakness

**I'm exhausted and I just wrote this quite quickly so I really probably shouldn't be putting it out. But as I said I'm tired and my common sense went asleep quiet a few hours back.**

**This hasn't been edited at all, so please try and ignore the really bad grammar and speller mistakes.**

**Enjoy as much as you can!**

The air seemed almost tangible for a moment. It was as though everything froze for a just a few seconds. Including my heart. Of course moments pass and when this one did my heart hammered against my chest as though trying to escape and the cold air stabbed at my skin like daggers.

It seemed as though with my panic had come a rush of adrenaline making everything more apparent and obvious.

Sirius's eyes were on Rabastan. "What happened?" His questions carried over to me from the meters of distance between us.

His tone of voice was surprising. It was very calm, very composed. This was not the reaction I would expect from someone who came across a scene like the one I was in.

It became apparent to me then that my attitude was not what it should be. I was also unusually composed and relaxed to what was happening. No that wasn't right. I wasn't relaxed. I was almost numb.

"I…" Do I tell him? Did I have any other option? I knew the answer to my questions when his eyes met mine.

"I obliviated him." I informed him bluntly. I saw the shock widen his eyes, finally a normal reaction. But he surprised me further when the shock left and was replaced very quickly with concern. I wanted desperately to know what he was thinking.

Before I had time to react I realized he had closed the distance between us and he took me hand. "We need to leave." He stated pulling my hand in order to get me to go with him.

"No we can't." I protested. "Sirius it went wrong I can't just leave." I urged. Sirius stopped.

"What do you mean it went wrong?" The concern burned in his eyes almost warming me.

"The spell." My heart plunged downwards breaking the comforting emptiness inside me. "He hurt my wrist so it didn't…I didn't…" I was struggling to explain it though it should have been simple. What was wrong with me? "Sirius I don't know what I did to him." I confessed in a whisper looking down at the lifeless form at my feet.

I felt Sirius's gaze flicker between myself and Rabastan but I was too absorbed in how dead the black haired boy looked to really comprehend what Sirius must be thinking. Another slip up. Id I had been paying more attention then perhaps I would have seen Sirius raise his wand and then I may not have been so shocked when I saw the bright blue light shoot down into the body my eyes were fixed on.

My eyes snapped to Sirius in horror.

"Sirius what did you do?!"

"Now he definitely won't remember anything."

"It doesn't work like that." I cried to him ripping my hand from his grip. " You know perfectly well how complicated memory charms are, I messed it up so god knows what damage that did but you then sent another one at him so…so…what if you've really hurt him?!" I was worried now. I knew how delicate the mind was. It wasn't supposed to be tampered with so callously.

"He had you pinned up against a wall do you really think I care if I hurt?" Sirius asked me harshly. His face was shadowed slightly so I couldn't see his eyes as he spoke, something he said make me stop.

"How do you know he had me pinned up against a wall?" I asked him. I hadn't mentioned that.

In fact I hadn't even told him why I obliviated Rabastan and yet he had just readily repeated the charm. For all Sirius knew I could have just wiped his memory out of spite or anger. For all he knew I could be the one in the wrong and Rabastan was doing the right thing.

"That doesn't matter." Sirius replied firmly in a very final voice. I may have been in a very odd way but I wasn't stupid so I was hardly going to start questioning him in the middle of a corridor after hours considering whats lay at y feet.

"We can't just leave him here." I said my gaze once more on Rabastan "He'll freeze." I pointed out. Sometime's I hated the fact that I was cursed with a conscience.

"And?" Sirius muttered darkly. I don't think I was meant to hear it. He sighed. "Filch patrols these corridors every night V. He'll find him." His tone was very unique, it was as though he was trying to soothe me but at the same time it expressed the urgency for us to vacate the location we were in.

"What if they don't?" I could hardly leave it to chance could I?

"V…" He started but he stopped and turned his head as though he had heard something. I couldn't hear anything at first the I definitely heard some kind of movement around the corner. Someone approaching. I dint get the chance to react because the next thing I knew I was being led away from the corridor and towards the Gryffindor tower very quickly.

We were about to turn the corner that let into the corridor that held eth entrance to the common room when I stopped pulling on Sirius's hand that as wrapped around my own.

"What are you doing?" He asked me confused.

"When they find Rabastan they'll ask the fat lady who were the last people to come into the common room." I explained to him. If she saw us it would immediately put us in the firing line. The problem was I couldn't see a way around this.

Sirius's jaw tightened in what I presumed was frustration he then quickly pulled something from his pocket. When the light hit it, it glinted and I realized it was a mirror.

"Sirius, what are you doing?" I asked as he let go of my hand to pull out his wand and point it at the mirror. It seemed to glow very dimly in the palm of his hand for a second then Sirius pointed his wand at it again. I stayed silent as it seemed Sirius was waiting for something.

"What." Grumbled a very tired voice. I frowned confused. Did that voice just come from the mirror? I moved slightly in order to see what Sirius was looking at but instead of seeing reflective glass I was met with the face of James Potter.

Okay….

"You need to come down and open the portrait hole. Don't say anything whilst you do it." Sirius ordered. James rolled his eyes.

"What have you done now." James sighed, shaking his head.

"James just do it. Now." He didn't wait for a reply instead cats another spell on the glass, removing James's image and returning it to our reflection.

I raised my eyebrow in question after Sirius pocketed the object and faced me.

"I'll explain once we're in the common room." He assured me. We heard the shifting of what was obviously the portrait hole opening. Sirius took my hand again and turned the corner, obviously I followed to see that the portrait of the fat lady was faced away from us so she couldn't see and I realized now hwy Sirius had asked James not to speak for she would have heard. When we stepped in we were met with a very tired and grumpy looking James. His frown deepened upon seeing me but he waited for the portrait to swing back in its place before he voiced his confusion.

"Have I missed something?" He asked looking between us.

"Prongs just go back to bed." James looked at his best friend appalled.

"You wake me up, make me open the portrait hole so for some reason you don't want the fat lady to know you got back so late, you're dragging Ronnie with you and I don't even get an explanation." He whined dramatically.

"You'll get one later just not now."

"But-"He cried mouth slightly open in disbelief.

"James." James stared at Sirius before giving a dramatized groan of frustrated outrage and turning to me. "If he's done something to piss you off then feel free to hex him." I noted that when he turned and stomped away it was rather…well camp to be perfectly honest.

As soon as James turned the last step Sirius turned to me and expectant look on his face.

"I am not having this conversation on the middle of the common room." I stated. That look crossed his face again. I now recognized it as frustrated thinking.

Yet again I found myself being led by him. I wondered why I hadn't pulled my hand away from his. Anyone else I would tell them I was perfectly capable of walking but I didn't stop Sirius. It seemed that his hold gave my worried mind comfort.

We went up the staircase that led to the boys dorms before and then up some more until we finally reached a door. He opened it and with a flick of his wand, a light in the centre of the ceiling illuminated the circular room, revealing five four poster beds with no hangings or bedding. Obviously this was a spare room.

"Will this do?" He asked me sarcastically. I turned to him as he closed the door or hand separating.

"If I say no can I got o bed and forget about all of this?" I didn't know if I wanted to have this conversation with him right then. I felt weak, tired, almost vulnerable. This was not a good time for his intense eyes to pierce me. I was scared of what he would see.

I back tracked on my thoughts. I was scared. Wow, it's not often that I admit to myself.

Sirius raised an eyebrow and to properly establish his answer he locked the door.

Brilliant.

"Okay then." My voice came out quieter than I intended it to as I sat down on one of the beds facing the window. Sirius came over to me sitting himself on the neighboring bed and facing himself towards me so that our knees were almost touching.

A silence fell over us. The weight of what I had just done had not fully sunk in I think. Had they found him yet? How were they reacting? What if I've mentally destroyed him or something? Yes I may have been a tad hysterical but memory charms were pretty strong things and when down incorrectly…

I almost started when I felt Sirius's hands gently touching my wrist, lifting it tenderly to inspect closer. I didn't like the way in which I was comforted by hs touch.

Or rather I didn't like the way in which I liked the way I was comforted by his touch.

"Did he do that?" He asked me softly. There was a ring of bruises around each wrist and also some on my forearms where the tips of his fingers had crushed into my skin. I nodded numbly my eyes also fixed on the bruising. Sirius very gently swept his thumb over the tender skin.

I pulled away immediately startled at hoe mu skin reacted to the caress of his hands.

"Are you going to explain things to me?" I looked up at him to see how troubled he was, my chest tightened against my will at the knowledge I created that conflict.

_Compose yourself. Take a breathe. Now is not the time to crumble._

I took a calming breathe like my subconscious demanded. "He knew what happened." My voce came out toneless. I was pleased. "With Remus, he saw me change, he saw me try and save lily, he saw you and peter turn back." My description was vague but he knew exactly what I was talking about. "When I lied about what had happened he worked things out. About Remus being what he is, about you James and peter." I took another breathe my gaze still not on Sirius.

"He saw everything. Knew everything. I think he was trying to blackmail me or something but…well I just couldn't let him walk away." I frowned at my own words. "I wouldn't." The next words that came were quick.

"I had to do something. I mean if he had told my brothers then they would have found out that I almost dies just to save a muggle born and then they'd find out that I was friends with a muggleborn and also that I had lied to them in order to protect Remus, even though I hadn't actually known it was Remus when I told them." I said very quickly. Then they would also find out I lied to protect blood traitors so I may aswell have just gotten a tattoo confirming my treachery because then they would really know where my loyalties lay wouldn't they? So my father would find out and Troy would hurt lily to hurt me and god knows what would happen once it finally came out that I wasn't the perfect daughter my father thought I was for all these years.

"Then of course there's Remus. Everyone would know he was a werewolf and my family would know that he nearly killed me and even though they wouldn't even care about me they would have to do something to him to prove a point at least so they'd get the ministry involved and you know what they're like, act first think later. No actually you know what they'd do? They'd blame Dumbledore wouldn't they, blame him for letting Remus come here and endangering all the students then all the parents would go mental." I took a deep breathe trying to calm my rant but I was on a roll now. "Then there's you, James and peter. What you've done is illegal so you'd all get expelled at best with your wands snapped and if they were felling really malicious they could make it even worse but like…I don't know. But all in all, I'd end up dead, lily would end up…maybe dead who knows, Remus would get seriously injured and outcast for like the rest of his life, Dumbledore would get into loads of trouble and knowing my father he wouldn't stop until he had to step down and you, James and peter would have your entire lives ruined because you wouldn't have any qualifications and you wouldn't be able to use magic. All of that could be prevented with one spell so to be perfectly honest I don't feel tremendously guilty." I finished exhaling.

Another silence fell and I still didn't meet Sirius's eyes.

"Or you know I could have just put in some kind of coma." I added as an after thought.

"Even if you killed him you still shouldn't feel guilty." Sirius growled. I looked up at him to see he looked pretty damn angry. His eyes weren't on mine instead they glared at my wrist where Rabastan's hands were minutes before.

"Don't say that." Oh my god what if I had killed him. What if when Sirius hit him with another curse it made his brain shut down or something.

"He deserves it." Again he growled his words.

"Very few people deserve death Sirius." I whispered out, shocked at his anger. I shouldn't have been, but I hadn't seen him genuinely angry in such a long time I forgot how intimidating it was.

He barked out a hollow laugh. "He pins you to a wall, tried to black mail you into doing god knows what, threatens the lives of several people and you think that a little bit of memory loss is punishment enough?" He shook his head. "I hope he dies."

"What so you hope I'm a murderer?" His stormy eyes finally flashed up to mine, the intensity was almost overwhelming given all the things he must be thinking.

"Anything that happens to him is my fault V. If anything went wrong it's because I hit him with another one. All you did was perform a memory charm I was the one that pushed it."

Was he trying to comfort me? Because it wasn't working.

I looked away from him again thinking through things. Now that I had given my little rant I felt mildly better so that meant things were a lot more obvious. Too obvious. I realized all the details.

It was all going to lead back to me. The Lestrange's were a pretty powerful family and I knew that Rabastan's parents would insist on the ministry becoming involved, memory charms were not a minor thing and in a school full of thousands of young witches and wizards the ministry and Dumbledore would have to find out what happened or the parents would cause and uproar. Especially if thing took a more sinister turn.

They would check the entrance to every common room and the fat lady would tell them that Gryffindor common room was opened at around the same time the curse was performed. They wouldn't know who it was but they would know it was Gryffindor. Then they would check who had astronomy that night and they would find out from the professor that I was kept behind and they would also find out from the fat lady that she never saw me re enter the common room.

I was so completely fucked.

"They're going to find out it was me." I said. Sirius frowned at me his eyebrows coming together.

"What?"

"They'll find out that I was kept back at astronomy, they'll ask the fat lady who was the last in the common room and although she didn't see us come in she knew the portrait hole was being opened so they'd know it was Gryffindor who did it, not to mention that Rabastan's very close to Gryffindor tower. Knowing the Lestrange's they'll involve the ministry so then they will definitely pick apart every detail. It will come back to me." I said tonelessly. I wasn't at all panicked at this as I should have been. In fact I was very calm.

"V…"

"I've told you everything. I've explained myself so can I go now?" I asked standing up. I wanted to leave. I didn't want to have this conversation anymore. I wasn't in the right frame of mind.

I couldn't believe I had slipped up so much. Messed up this badly. What the hell was wrong with me?

"No." Was my short firm reply. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Feel free to try but that's not a standard lock on the door so it may take you a while. I think it better if we just have _this _conversation." He looked up at me his eyes intense as always. I felt like yelling at him for it.

"Well I don't want to have _this _conversation." I said stubbornly.

I glared at him for a few moments and he just stared back. I knew he wasn't going to give in so I did the first thing that came to mind. I walked to the other side of the room sat on the bed so my back against the headboard and crossed my arms over my chest closing my eyes and breathing deeply.

It was immature yes but I felt very exposed. Very vulnerable. I wanted out if that room. I wanted away from him before I said something I'd regret.

Again a silence fell. This time though the silence stayed for at least ten minutes. Perhaps it would have continued longer but I just couldn't take it anymore.

"Why are you doing this?" I cried exasperated opening my eyes to see Sirius in the exact same position as me on the bed I had previously been sat on. He watched me intently. "I mean I'm obviously tired and upset and worried so why the hell have you locked me in a room with you?!" I questioned. I really was exhausted and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up this act for very long infront of him.

"All I want is for you to talk to me." Sirius said calmly.

"Do you enjoy this or something? Do you enjoy arguing with me?" I asked him glaring. His eyes narrowed at me.

"I hate arguing with you that exactly why I want to sort this out." He…pleaded? I was so tired that I was feeling quite temperamental so his puppy dog eyes even at this distance melted me slightly.

But I refused to give in so I pulled my knees to my chest and curled into a ball once more shutting my eyes and blocking him out.

I can't be sure how long passed but it must have been a while and my patience and resistance snapped.

"I never said he pinned me against a wall." My voice was muffled as I dint look up whilst I spoke.

"What?"

"I said." I lifted my head to look at him and found he was in the exact same position wearing the exact same expression as he had the last time I looked at him. It annoyed me. "I never told you that he pinned me against a wall. So how did you know he did?" Sirius stared at me for a few moments before swiftly standing up and walking over to my bed.

I frowned as he sat down. He was very close now. He sat himself against the foot of the bed his legs infront of him so it was like a mirror affect of me. He pulled something from his pocket. My frown deepened upon seeing him hand me a spare bit of parchment.

"And what am I supposed to do with this?" I asked him taking the piece of paper from his grip. He then tapped it with his wand muttering something I couldn't hear.

I watched him waiting for an explanation.

"You have to look at it." Sirius informed me. I rolled my eyes and looked down at the parchment.

It was the oddest thing like ink bleeding out across the paper, making patterns and words. I opened the now printed parchment examining the shapes the ink made.

It was a map.

Not only was it map but it was a map of Hogwarts, a very, very detailed map of Hogwarts.

But there was more. It appeared that every single student was one this map. I knew this as I was currently staring at my name, with Sirius's very close to it and my location was completely correct.

"I saw you on the map. I him press you up against a wall. That's-"

"Why you came." I finished for him.

I saw him nod out the corner of my eye. Again a few more moments passed as I examined the remarkable map taking in how detailed it was.

"What is this?" I eventually asked looking up at Sirius. He smirked.

"It's a map."

"Yes thank you I had gathered that. I mean…well you know what I mean."

He chuckled quietly. "It's called the marauders map. We made it."

"You four made this?" I asked in disbelief.

"Is that so shocking?"

"Yes." I said bluntly making him laugh again. I handed back the map.

"So do you often watch me on this map of yours?" His eyes snapped up to mine scrutinizing me.

"Yes." Was his reply. His blunt honesty surprised me and even though my tired mind could barely take in what was happening, his words rang loud and clear.

"Seriously?" I saw him smirk again and knew what was coming.

"That joke wasn't funny when you were five and isn't funny now." Even I couldn't help but give a very small smile at his really un funny joke.

"That joke will always be funny." He said.

For the hundredth time that night silence feel again and this time I noticed he didn't take his eyes of me for a second.

"Stop doing that."

"What am I doing now?"

"You're staring at me. You're always staring at me." I said dragging out each word watching for his reaction.

"I like watching you." He told me calmly and simply. "It's soothing." The second he said those words to me my heart stuttered so violently it was painful. His words affected me far more than they should have.

So I did what I did best. I slammed up the walls.

"Is that why you locked me in a room with you?" I asked him snappily. He sighed looking almost….disappointed?

"I want to talk to you V, which you're still avoiding." Sirius said.

I'd had enough. I was being erratic, unfair but I really was exhausted and I just couldn't take anymore of this.

I stood up and walked over to the door.

"Open this door right now or I swear Sirius I will set it alight" I threatened meaning every single word. I couldn't deal with anymore of this. I knew what would happen if I stayed in this room and I knew it wouldn't help me at all.

He didn't turn around or even look at me. I heard him sigh and I got the strongest urge to go to him but I refused my body what it wanted. Then, very quickly, he stood up and walked over to me. I almost stepped back.

"Fine." He waved his wand at the door not once breaking eye contact with me. "But you can't avoid this forever V." I really had to fight myself to prevent my hand from reaching out. I clenched my fists digging my nails in and I blinked breaking the entrapment he had on me.

"The hell I can't." I whispered harshly to him before pulling the door open and forcing myself to walk away from the only thing that had comforted me in such a long time.

**Review xxxxx**


	20. Picking Up The Pieces

**The amazing Sweetbutteri had agreed to proofread the entire story for me, yep she's a godsend, so I think she deserves some gratitude for now my past chapters may me readable :) I'm so happy!!**

**I had a bit of trouble getting this chapter done but for the past two hours I've just made myself sit down and do it so I hope it'll do :)**

**Enjoy"**

_Focus. Just stay focused._

I repeated to myself mentally as I prepared myself for the day ahead.

_Just stay calm, don't slip._

I brushed my hair out occupying myself with making sure every strand was straight. I had been trying to focus on what it was that I was doing all morning but my mind kept replaying the same words.

There was something wrong with me.

There had to be.

This was not me.

I did not make mistakes like I did the previous night. I did not loose control on my emotions and start yelling at people like some deranged lunatic. And I never, ever rant.

Ever.

I screwed the lid back onto the pot of straightening balm keeping my breathing as even as I could. I couldn't mess up today. If I did then I may as well just jump of a tower.

The past few days prior were inexcusable. My mistakes shameful. But also worrying. Immensely worrying.

How could I have messed up so seriously? Faltered so dramatically?

There was one thing lunging out at me from within that scared me beyond belief.

I didn't feel an ounce of guilt.

I could have all but left that boy brain dead and I didn't even care.

It was so wrong and so sickening it almost reduced me to tears. I was supposed to care. Supposed to tell myself that even though necessary what I did was wrong. But I didn't.

The reason this terrified me was because the one thing that separated me from my family was my conscience. My sense of right and wrong. What I did was wrong and I knew that so where was the guilt? The humane compassion for the boy who I damaged.

This convinced me further that there had to be something wrong with me.

I put my balms and hairbrush back into my toiletry bag and left the bathroom to enter my dorm. Lily had already left for breakfast but I knew she was concerned. She was worried about me. Again.

How is it I felt guilt for that but not for what I did?

It was a Saturday so there were no classes thank god but for the first time in my life I wished there were. Something to occupy my mind other than the mistakes I made.

I would have to do something, I told myself as I walked from the room and down the stairs. I wasn't sure what but I couldn't let all of this lead back to me which it would if I didn't take some kind of control.

I could do this.

I had to do this.

I made a mistake. Wait, did I? I mean did I really have a choice? After all I couldn't allow him that power over me so did I really have a choice in what I did?

….it didn't matter. It didn't matter whether or not I had a choice because it was done. It was done and now I had to face up to the problem and fix it, after all that is what I did. When I was presented with a problem I fixed it.

_Yeah, been doing a great job f that lately._

I grit my teeth at the insistent voice that reminded me of my faults as I walked through the common room and once I was half way through my eyes caught Remus and Peter sat by the fire playing chess. My stomach tightened as more problems that I had tried to calm myself over tried to slam against me and make me falter.

What had Sirius told James when he demanded an explanation over what had happened the previous night? James was bright and I assumed that last nights events had already spread around the school so I was in no doubt that eventually James would work it out from where me and Sirius came from.

Then another thing. What if he had gone upstairs to the dorm and complained to Peter and Remus that he had to open the portrait hole for Sirius? Then they would both work it out as well.

As I descended the stairs into the entrance hall I looked for my brothers. Tudor would have informed himself on all the details of the previous night so the best way for me to find out what was going on was to see him. Also, we had all known Rabastan since infancy, he was in the same year as my brothers and they knew each other quite well. I think they would both, Troy especially, be angered at what had happened.

A Slytherin girl named Winifred Ivy was speaking quickly and in hushed tones to another girl whose name I didn't know. I walked over to her but didn't have to greet as she already saw me.

"Veronica, have you heard what happened last night?" she asked me the second she saw me. Winifred wasn't what I would call a particularly gossipy girl but she certainly kept up to date on the goings on of Hogwarts. She clearly wanted to tell me and though I had no desire to hear it was curious as to what the rumors actually were.

"I've heard people muttering about Rabastan but I don't know exactly." I said. Her eyes lit up obviously happy no one else had informed me. She turned to her companion and excused herself before beckoning me to the wall where she stood.

"Late last night, they found Rabastan Lestrange almost frozen to death in a corridor." Frozen to death? I almost rolled my eyes but thought that may look slightly odd so instead settled on an appalled expression.

"Really?"

"Apparently he was attacked. He was rushed to st mungo's because not even madam pomfrey could help it was that bad and the worst bit is that no one has a clue who did it." She examined.

I didn't know whether to actually believe he has been taken to st mungo's as after all Winifred knew were rumors but I was relieved to hear that the school didn't know who it was.

Of course that didn't mean the staff didn't have some ideas….

"Winifred do you know where my brothers are?" I asked her still looking in shock to appease her.

"Actually now that you mention it I saw them this morning on the way to the hall. There just down there outside classroom eleven I think" No wonder she noticed, she had a slight infatuation with Troy so whenever she saw him she made sure to keep a mental note.

"Thank you." I said not sparing her another glance before turning to the corridor that led out of the entrance hall where I knew classroom eleven lay. I pushed open the door and my heels clicked on the stone as I walked along the echoing corridor. As I neared the end I slowed as I heard voices just as they slowed as they heard me. A moment later someone came around the corner, it turned out to be troy.

"Oh its you." He grumbled turning back to where he came from. I followed to see Tudor stood against the wall looking perplexed where as troy just looked impatient.

"It's nice to see you too Brother." I spoke pleasantly. Troy rolled his eyes.

"Whats all this I hear about Rabastan being attacked?" I addressed them both.

"So you heard then." Asked Troy.

"Winifred Ivy told me." I explained.

"Cant believe a word that girl says." Muttered Troy rolling his eyes. The affection was not returned for the girl.

"So Rabastan wasn't attacked then?" I asked making sure to add a slight relief to my voice so that Tudor would detect it.

"No he was." Tudor informed me. I frowned.

"Is he alright?"

"He was moved to St Mungo's last night. There was nothing the matron could do. He's breathing and appears to be in some kind of deep sleep…"

"Or trance." Troy interrupted.

"Possibly. The problem is no one can tell what he was hit with. Obviously some kind of spell, but there are no markings and no obvious signs of any common spell." I could tell it bothered Tudor not to know.

So he was in st mungo's then.

"What about a memory charm, that doesn't leave a mark, does it?" Inquired Troy obviously wanting to find out the truth also, in fact probably more so than Tudor. Troy was more impatient than I was and that was saying something.

My heart rate increased at his words. It was obvious to me that they had been discussing this for a while.

_That explains why Troy's not smashing things up in frustration. Probably already tired himself out._

"No. If it was, the matron could have pulled him out of it, revived him but nothing worked."

"Do you have any idea who did it?"

"A Gryffindor." Troy snarled from behind me.

"We can't be sure of that." Tudor reasoned. Troy scoffed.

"What makes you think it a Gryffindor?" I asked Troy.

"Firstly Rabastan was found close to Gryffindor tower and McGonagall asked that portrait thing who was the last to go in the common room."

"And who was?"

"She doesn't know. Somebody opened the entrance from inside and then someone went in. That fat painting thing didn't see who it was." I didn't even ask how they knew all of this already. As I have said many, many times Tudor has ways of finding out things.

"Of course there is a possibility that this is a coincidence…." Tudor Reasoned.  
"Oh yeah." Said Troy sarcastically.

"Granted that is highly unlikely." Finished Tudor.

"Someone wanted to hurt Rabastan. My guess is that this was all pre planned. Someone curses him or hexes him or whatever it is that they did to him and then someone else gets them back in the common room. Clearly there was more than one person in this."

"Veronica you know the common room. Is there any way to communicate with those inside from the outside?" Asked Tudor.

"No. There's only one way in the tower and that's to give the password to the fat lady. There isn't any other way and as far as I know you can't communicate with people inside." I told him truthfully.

"Okay so let's look at the facts then shall we. Two or more Gryffindor pre planned this attack…" I was getting very fed up with people calling it an attack. "….judging by the state of Rabastan no one younger than at least sixth year, fifth year at a push could have done that to him." Troy looked at Tudor as though slightly angry at him for not understanding something.

"The marauders." My heart literally died for a few moments.

Oh no.

"Damn straight the marauders."

"But why? It's not like them to do something like this." Troy pondered Tudor's words for a moment before he almost clapped his hands when a thought occurred to him.

"Last week! Last week Rabastan said something to that red head potter's obsessed with and potter got all pissed and started arguing with him. I bet you anything Rab hit a nerve so potter decided to hurt him."

"Then why didn't he just do it then?" I interjected "From what I know of James Potter he's hardly one to just walk away from a fight. If Rabastan had really annoyed him then he would have just hexed him then and there."

"She's right" Tudor agreed "Potter doesn't have to patience to do something like this."

"No but that Lupin does and Black…"

"Is far too volatile to just induce someone unconscious without leaving any mark." I said. It was true, I knew that had Rabastan threatened Sirius instead of me then he would have been in much more dire form.

"He may be a Gryffindor but he's still a black. And if you hit the right nerve they get spiteful and vicious." Troy had always had this odd hostility to the black family. "Look, think what you like but I bet my life that they did this." I wanted to say something but I didn't know what you say without either incriminating me or dragging others into the frame.

Tudor remained silent for a moment clearly in thought.

"That Pettigrew boy?" Tudor mused to the wall his voice toneless but his eyebrow was ever so slightly raised so I knew he was contemplating something.

"You think we should speak with Pettigrew?" Asked Troy.

"It could be nothing and perhaps the marauders had nothing to do with this but if your right and they did then I believe that Pettigrew was probably the one to open the entrance." Tudor said finally facing us.

_Say something!_

"I'll have a word with him…" The second Troy said that I objected.

"Do you really have to get involved?" I asked with a sigh. Troy's eyes snapped to mine.

"What would you have us do? Sit by and let the ministry mess it all up?" Troy questioned in a very condescending way.

"The ministry's involved?" I asked refusing to allow my face or eyes to react in any way.

"Of course they are. A law was broken…"

"How do you know that?"

"Oh come on Von, it was hardly a playful hex now was it? He's in St. Mungos and still not waking up did you really think Reginald would let this lie?" Asked troy referring to Rabastan's father. I knew Troy was angry for he called me Von which he only did was he was being particularly malicious.

"If we talk with Pettigrew then we can find out if the marauders are responsible for this." Tudor said with finality to his voice.

"Right then well I'll…" I cut Troy off yet again.

"Troy the second he says he doesn't know anything you'll start getting all angry and the next thing we know you'll have created a lot of unwanted drama."

"No I won't!"

"Yes you will." I argued

"No I won't!"

"Yes you will." It was Tudor that spoke this time. "I could do without the hassle of clearing up your mess so I'll speak to him." Troy's teeth ground together as he glared at Tudor but he ignored him.

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_Damn it. _

My god I was stressed as I turned the corner into the crowded transfiguration corridor on my way back to the common room. However it seemed I was receiving I tiny bit of help from the powers that be for I saw Sirius and James directly at the end of the noisy hall. It was only mere seconds later that Sirius caught my eye and I discreetly signaled for him to follow me into a much less populated space. There was a brief nod of his head and I turned trusting he would follow. I walked until I came to a very empty part of the castle into a desolate corridor. A moment later Sirius joined me.

"You look frustrated." Was the first thing he said to me. I narrowed my eyes at him but other wise showed no more emotion.

"Well I'm not overjoyed Sirius." He squinted at me for a moment as though thinking before he spoke.

"Are you mad at me?" He inquired.

"Why would I be mad at you?" I asked surprised by his words.

"For doing what I did." It wasn't remorse in his eyes…it was something else.

I sighed "I'm not angry at you for that no. However lets be honest it didn't help." I reasoned.

"Nothing he didn't deserve." Sirius muttered crossing his arms on his chest and leaning against the stone wall.

"Sirius you do know that we put someone in St Mungos don't you." I hoped saying it aloud may entice some guilt but I remained void of such emotion.

"Yes. But as I said he deserved it."

"Will you stop saying that."

"It's true. Oh don't tell me you feel guilty?" It wasn't real question for there was a taunt in his eyes like he knew I wasn't feeling the humane remorse most would in my position.

I glared at him. "Did you know that his father is livid?" I snapped quickly. Sirius, like me, knew that Reginald Lestrange was a rather…hostile man at times.

"Yeah he didn't look very pleased." Sirius said nonchalantly.

"Come again?"

"His parents were here last night. His mother kicked off at Dumbledore screaming about how he allowed this to happen to her son and his father said they were taking him straight to their healer, but mind you he looked like he was going to kill someone."

"How do you know this?" I asked him shocked and also rather irritated he knew things I didn't.

He smirked at me and he didn't even have to say what he said next for I already knew by the look in his eye there want a chance in hell of him telling me. "Its annoying when people keep you in the dark isn't it."

I fixed him with a cold glare but he just carried on smirking at me leaning against the wall.

"So what is it that you wanted V?" His question startled me for I then realized what it was I had to say, I knew enough of the man before me to know he wasn't going to take this well.

"Before I tell you I want you to promise you won't so anything until you let me fully explain." I requested calmly. His dark pink lips turned down slightly into a frown.

"Just tell me V." Sirius said firmly.

"Not until you promise me you'll hear me out before doing anything." I insisted.

"You want me to trust you?" He asked in amusement but I caught the darkness in his eyes.

"Yes." Was my short answer. He breathed in deeply before irritably complying.

"Fine."

"Right then." I struggle to phrase this in a way that wouldn't alarm him too drastically. "I went to speak to Tudor and Troy, knowing Tudor would have informed himself on what was going on, unfortunately though Troy seemed to come to an answer on his own and he thinks that you did it. As in you, James, Remus and Peter. According to him he saw James and Rabastan have some sort of argument last week and he's convinced himself that you've all come up with some ludicrous plan to…I'm not sure hurt him or something like that. They're already pretty sure a Gryffindor did it because they found out that someone opened the portrait hole. Tudor though, had reservations and knows how irrational Troy can be at times so…" There was brief moment of weak hesitation on my part.

"He wanted to be sure before anything was done. Troy wanted to…well I stopped him because I know how he can get, but I couldn't stop Tudor."

"Stop him from doing what?" Sirius asked visibly confused.

"Talk to Peter. To find out what he knows." I confessed hesitantly.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Sirius he isn't going to hurt him or anything I promise."

"Then what is he going to do, ask and when peter says no just walk away?" He cried in disbelief.

"No he'll use legilemcy…"

"Oh that's better."

"Well he won't be harmed." I took a breathe knowing I had no right to fly off the handle. "Sirius when you went back to your dorm last night, what did you say to James?" I asked.

"Nothing, but I think he's adding it up now." He pinched the bridge of his nose finally showing same sign of discomfort.

"What about…"

"Remus and Peter were already asleep when I woke James up. Neither of them knows anything; they thought I was in the common room. I've already told James not to say anything." It surprised me that he knew my question but I was relieved that there was no threat.

"Then there isn't a problem is there? As far as Peter knows James, Remus and himself were in bed and you were in the common room. True it doesn't put you out the frame but Tudor knows there was more than one person involved and if the other three were in…" Sirius cut me off.

"From what I know of Tudor Phoenix, he' s a ruthless psychopath who will do anything to get what he wants so there is not a chance I am letting him anywhere near Pete." He went to leave but I stood in front of him placing a hand on his chest. He stopped instantly.

"Sirius whatever you think of me, I can assure you that if I thought Peter was in danger I would not just let it happen." I tried to assure him. It was true, I may be cold but I wasn't heartless and I wouldn't allow someone like Peter to be dragged into and blamed for something I created.

"Can you honestly look me in the eye and promise me that Tudor won't harm Pete?" He challenged disbelief still clouding his voice.

"Yes." I replied instantly "Al Tudor wants is to find out what happened, he'll ask Peter where he was last night and where all of you were, once he's seen that he'll leave peter alone, I promise. He isn't Troy Sirius; he has no desire to cause problems for people who have done nothing to deserve it. It will also mean that he will look away from the four of you." The only time to fear Tudor is if you have either become, or created a problem for him. If you haven't then there really is nothing to worry about.

"What if he looks too far into Peter's head and finds other things out?" I was not in the least bit surprised that Sirius was fighting this so much.

"He wont. He's a very skilled legilemst, he has been for years, and he will look only to see what went on last night. Nothing further I swear to you."

"What if we talked about Remus being a werewolf last night?" That one stopped me for a moment.

"Did you?"

"I don't know, maybe. And even if I wasn't in that conversation it doesn't mean Pete wasn't." Sirius exclaimed refusing to back down.

I thought about it for a moment.

"Even if you did I don't think it would matter. Tudor isn't going to ask what you talked about; he'll ask where Peter was when Rabastan was attacked…" Now even I was using the word attacked. "…and then decipher whether or not he's telling the truth. That's all he'll do, ask a question and see if he's being honest with him. Really Sirius, I'm almost positive …"

"Almost?"

I finally lost patience. "Look you can fight me all you want but it doesn't change anything. Pray tell what is your master plan on stopping Tudor from speaking with Peter? Because as you said he gets what he wants and he wants this so please enlighten me."

"There's quite a few ways…" I stopped him knowing he was thinking of simply going to Tudor and having it out with him.

"And what will you say to him when he asks how you knew what he was going to do?" I

"Tell him the truth."

"Oh really? You're going to tell him that I came and told you."

"I don't see why not."

"Because Sirius, he'll immediately question why I did that and then he'll become suspicious of where I was last night and …well I think we both know that he will eventually find out the truth so I think that telling him of our conversation would be rather unwise." I said coldly.

Again he gave me a hard glare for a few moments. "Why did you come and tell me?" Sirius asked.

"Oh you shouldn't worry for I won't be doing so again." I said dismissively before I turned and walked away from him.

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Wow I had screwed up really bad this time. Throughout the course of the day I had learned that no only where the ministry involved but they had sent two aurors to examine the school. Yes aurors. I was in so much trouble.

All day I had gone through solution after solution but all of them had a dead end. There really was nothing I could do to fix this. Unless of course I framed someone else but even then there were hundreds of ways in which that could backfire. According to rumor Rabastan still hadn't woken up, how the students knew this considering he was now out of the building, I had no idea. But I was choosing to believe it.

My final decision came in the form of a letter that night at seven o'clock. It was from Albus, reminding me of my 'meeting' with himself and Minerva. I was very surprised to receive it for two reasons. One being that I had completely forgotten about Minerva telling me to come on Saturday evening and two, considering what had happened the previous night I was shocked he had time.

I sighed on reading it knowing I was not in the right mood to have a conversation with two professors. Not in the slightest. In fact I think that could have been one of the least sensible conversations for me to engage in given my emotional yo-yoing.

But that was when a thought occurred to me. A thought I didn't like. A thought I wasn't warming to. But it was thought produced from a desperate mind. And it was also the only idea I had that had any hope of working.

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I approached the stone gargoyle about a half hour after reading Albus's letter and as I opened my mouth to speak to the sculpted stone creature yet another thing occurred to me and I found myself replaying words in my head from a conversation I was not in a hurry to recall.

"_So do you often watch me on this map of yours?"_

"_Yes."_

Was he watching right now? I then realized what a problem that charmed parchment was because if I remember right, he could see right into Dumbledore's office. Meaning that he could see me speaking with Dumbledore. Tonight wouldn't be an immediate problem for if he did ask me (even if he did see me I doubt he would actually ask me) then I could say…well I don't know but I'm very confident I could make up a good excuse for speaking with my headmaster, however on other occasions, such as order meetings, how do I explain that?

_Think about it later. _

Right later.

"Aniseed Toffee." I spoke clearly and was rewarded with the creature moving from my path and leaving me free to enter Albus's office. I walked up the stairs and rapped my knuckles on the oak only to be met with silence. I knocked again but I still receive no reply. Hesitantly I pulled down the handle and gently pushed open he door. I felt incredibly rude doing this and could hear my mother's exclamations of disapproval ringing in my ears as though she was stood next to me.

As the door opened fully I was presented with an unoccupied room. I pondered what to do. I knew Albus wouldn't mind me waiting for him at all but it was as though I was fighting my own instincts by not only opening a door into a room that was not mine without permission but then entering such a room.

"He's left a while ago sweetheart, I'm sure he'll be back soon." Said a painting of a warm middle aged woman who was hung right by the entrance.

I decided I was being silly and swiftly shut myself in the chaotic room.

I only had to wait roughly five minutes before Albus walked in.

"Ah Veronica, thank you for coming." He said sweeping into his office gracefully and I then realized what that niggling feeing in my stomach was. I was nervous, but on the outside I looked troubled. I did this for the sake of Albus, for he had to think something was wrong. Not that I had to act very much truth be told.

"I was surprised you had time for me, considering what's been going on."

"Yes, I have n fact just been with the aurors that the ministry insisted on sending."

"You don't agree. You feel the ministry shouldn't involve themselves?" I asked him.

"The ministry are involved veronica only because a father wanted justice for his son." Albus said taking a seat behind his desk where as I however was still standing looking out of the window I had watched from the months before when all of this started. My yes caught the whomping willow reflected by the crescent moon in the sky and looking at it like it was, I had to admit there was something rather pretty about it as it swayed gently by the water.

"We should be thankful it's still standing." Came Albus's soft voice from behind me snatching me from my observation.

"Why should it not?" I asked curiously moving away from the window and coming to sit in one of the chairs that rested infront of his desk.

"Your father was very adamant it be taken down."

"My father?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes, after your alleged attack by the willow, your father wrote to me very insisted in its removal." It was very…shocking to hear of my father. Yes he had been mentioned in conversations and I knew that Tudor had wrote with him but to hear of his communication from someone outside of my family made him very…its sounds ridiculous but real. It made it very clear that he was still there beyond the castle walls. It sounds silly as I always knew that but it was what I felt at the time.

"Why would he do that? More importantly why did you not tell me he had done this?" I asked marginally angry at him for not telling me.

"I am telling you now." If I had not come for a reason I may have started an argument for I was in that frame of mind but as it went I had come for a reason and it wasn't a very good one.

"No Minerva?" I inquired changing the subject.

"No, I wished to speak with you privately."

"What d you wish to speak to me about Albus?" I asked very curious. He surveyed me with his piercing blue eyes before he spoke.

"I find myself worrying about you Ronnie. Quite frequently at that. And when Minerva came to me and told me of your altercation I became very concerned." He said in a very calm way.

"Yes well…I was having a bad day." I defended myself in a very sulky way. "You shouldn't worry over me."

"But I do Veronica and I have said it before and I shall say it again. If ever you need anything, then I am always here." Albus comforted and I knew that it was time now to set a mask in place and prepare my script.

"Do you mean that Albus. Can I trust you fully?"

"Of course you can."

"I could come to you with any problem and you would do your best to help?"

"I promise you."

"Well then Albus. I have a problem." I stated showing worry in my eyes. I saw his eyebrows come together in concern.

"Then tell me whet it is and we shall do what we can to fix it."

I looked at him for a few moments. I was still nervous over doing this. I didn't want to lie to him.

"What happened last night with Rabastan Lestrange…" My voice shook as I saw his eyes flicker with emotion. With realization. "I did that to him."

It could have been seconds, it could have been minutes, it could have been hours but all I know is that the silence and look that followed my words made even my heart stutter in hesitation.

"Could you tell me why you did that to him?" Asked Albus and tough his voice was calm there was something different in the air around him. Something I couldn't understand.

Of course his reaction was not bad in fact it was better than what most others would have been and yet it wasn't enough for me to do it. To tell him the truth even though in my heart I knew I could trust him my head had too many issues to let someone completely and utterly in.

I could have told him the truth. Told him the real reason I did what I did but I would have to leave Sirius and James out of it and not just that but I knew that Albus knew nothing of their anamagi abilities so I wasn't completely sure of the story he was told by Remus the night I was attacked. If Albus asked me questions that did not match it could make a lot of things far more complicated so…that left me one option.

"He found out that I was betraying my family" Even I was slightly disgusted at how amazingly I was. I think part of me wanted for him to see through it. "Thursday evening, when I had that argument with Minerva, he overheard."

_The transfiguration classroom has a silencing charm over it. That was why lily didn't hear. _My intelligence helpfully reminded. I knew better than to leave gaps.

"According to him he was outside and Minerva must have left a window open. He didn't piece it together himself for he didn't know enough and enough wasn't said, but he was cleaver enough to know that I was well acquainted with a lot of people I shouldn't be. He came to me last night in an attempt to blackmail me over this and…Albus I panicked. I couldn't let him walk away with that kind of information. I know it was wrong I really do but…I don't know what to do." I confessed not finding it difficult to show anguish for I sure as hell was feeling a lot.

"What spell did you hit him with?" He asked me after a while and I looked up at him swallowing back my nerves as best I could.

"It was a memory charm, though it went wrong for when he's pinned me to the wall he's really hurt my wrist" I pulled my sleeves back to reveal the bruising " So when I aimed the spell…"

His twinkling eyes were fixed on my wrist when he next spoke. "There were other ways to deal with this, if you had only come to me…"

"I panicked! He pinned me to a wall in a freezing dark corridor and none too carefully might I add…" I moved my wrists up so he could see just how badly bruised they were. "And he told me of things he knew and all I could think about is how my father was going to react when Rabastan told him. Of course the only way to prevent that was for me to bend to his every wish and do god knows what." I took a breathe trying to calm myself but I bordering hysterical, when I next spoke my voice sounded very broken and I can promise you now I was not putting it on. "Do you know how scared I was? Do you know what its like for people to have this utter control over you?" We both knew I wasn't speaking of just Rabastan now. "Things with my father are hanging by a thread and if Rabastan where to tell him of what he knew then…" I trailed off trying to compose myself by closing my eyes and taking a deep breathe.

"I know things are difficult for you…"

"You have no idea." I said my voice quiet and soft as I lent my elbows on the desk infront of me and placed my hands to my forehead supporting my head. "No idea what it's like" I moved from that position quickly and chose instead to slump down in the seat I was in. "I keep having these nightmares." I whispered out not even aware that there was no mask or walls supporting my inner turmoil. It was spilling out. "I keep seeing Paris screaming. I keep seeing my father stood there with that look on his face and every single time I wake up I see that I'm one step closer to having to face him. And I'm beyond terrified." My voice was so quite it was hard to hear for even me but when I glanced up at Albus I saw he had heard every single word.

"So yes. I messed up. Yes I made a mistake but can you really not see why?" I took yet another deep breathe and tried desperately to compose myself and reign in my emotions. I did ever so slightly but I was sure he still saw all of it in my eyes. "So I'm asking you Albus, to help me. Because it's all going to lead back to me and if that happens well then I may as well just tie rocks to my legs and jump in lake." There was yet another silence and I was thankful Albus was intuitive and didn't try to comfort me for that really would have done little use.

"How will it lead back to you?"

"I had astronomy and the professor kept me behind to talk to me by the time I left peeves had blocked the usual route back to the common room so I had to take the long way, that means I was at the that end of the castle about the time Rabastan was…well you know. Also you know it was a Gryffindor already. I'm not saying they would have got there straight away but eventually." I explained my voice soft and weary.

"Someone opened the portrait from inside." Said Albus. I looked at him and thank god I was good at lying because by some miracle I was able to slam down the shutters and show him nothing.

"I can't tell you that Albus." I said regretfully and what shocked me was that I saw the understanding in his eyes. He surveyed me for the tenth time but it was quick.

"I'll fix this for you." As soon as he said that I had to seriously replay it.

"What?" I said without thinking.

"I understand the predicament you were in and I will put right this situation for you on one condition." Albus said peering at me over his spectacles so I was hit full force with his gaze.

"Yes?"

"In future, should anything else like this occur, I want you to come straight to me do you understand?" That was it? That was his condition?

"I promise" I vowed. "But how exactly are you going to put this right?"

"They do not refer to me as a genius because I gained outstanding in my OWL's Veronica. I think you will find that I am quite capable of many things."

"So that's it? No warning or lecture on my immorality?" I asked very cagey and disbelieving.

"You seem to understand that you made a mistake but it would be hypocritical of me to judge you on that for I know that I had made many and some a lot more foolish than yours. You are entitled to mistakes. We all make them and I have full faith that you will learn from it. I trust you." He said sincerely.

"Perhaps that's one of your more foolish mistakes."

"You're very hard on yourself. I don't know if it's down to your age or things that have occurred in your life but you are." Albus said his eyebrows coming together once more in a frown.

"I am not hard on myself. You just don't like my judgment for you don't

agree with it. Who better to judge me than myself for I know myself perfectly?"

"I cannot believe that a person fueled by love can be as bad as you seem to think you are." Albus said in a voice others would use when contemplating.

"Fueled by love? Albus I assure you that if anything its hate that fuels me."

"Those years ago, you came to me not out of hate for you father but of love for your brother." He said.

"You're wrong. I cam to you those years ago not out of selfless actions nor of respect to my brother to get justice for him but of mine only to myself. For this is my only way out isn't it? I cannot run and I cannot keep things as they are so this, you, are the only option I have. You may think me selfless but I am selfish. I twist things so that others see what I wish them to, I manipulate things to bend to my own needs and damn the consequences. So tell me Albus, do I know seem to you a trustworthy person?" I asked him.

"I trust you Veronica."

**I have a chapter plan now so I know what's going to happen in the next few chapters and as we have been seeing for quite a while now, she's starting to crack and in the next chapter lets just say it reaches a whole new level. In the upcoming chapters, especially chapter 22, Sirius is pretty much central and I'm hoping that since I know exactly what's going to happen now, the chapters will get out quicker.**

**Review xx**


	21. Breaking Point

**I know how quick is this update??! I thought that since I'm going to be off for a bit, busy with some stuff, I'd give you something else to keep you going :) Sweetbutteri proofread it for me so I'm finally sending out a chapter with proper Grammar! **

**Enjoy!**

"According to Lucius, his parents are insisting on hosting a ball this winter so of course we will be forced to attend." Bellatrix drawled irritably as we left the great hall after lunch. As we walked through the doors, I threw a glance to the centre of the staff table in hopes off seeing Albus, who had been absent from both breakfast and lunch, but I was not rewarded with seeing him.

_Probably at St. Mungo's booking you a room after your little rant last night._

"Ah, I can't bear the thought of having to sit through yet another one of Tatiana's tacky--" Bellatrix's complaint was cut short as a voice sounded from behind us.

"Veronica." I turned to see Tudor walking towards us.

"Tudor," I replied.

"I need to speak with you," he informed me and I looked over at Bellatrix who was glaring at Tudor. "We'll I'll just leave then shall I?" she spat at my brother before storming off in mood I believed to be a bit beyond the situation.

I looked back at Tudor but he spoke before I could ask. "Follow me," he commanded before walking off.

Follow me?

Oh no.

The first thing that came into my mind was that he had found out what I had done, so I was certain I should not follow him, but what if that wasn't it and I refused?

_Calm down and just follow him, you drama queen._

I hated that voice in my head that had been plaguing me more often than not lately. I unconsciously followed him until I realized with a jolt of my heart that we were in an empty classroom. In fact, we were in the same empty classroom that I and Sirius were in when--

No. Don't even think it. Pretend it never happened.

Tudor did not speak instantly, but there was a kind of charge in the air around him that indicated something was wrong. I became increasingly concerned to the point where I had to speak.

"What did you want to speak to me about, Tudor?" I asked him. His dark eyes looked right into mine, searching for something, but I would not let him see anything other than curiosity.

"I have had a suspicion for quite some time now and recently my suspicion was confirmed to be accurate." Tudor spoke in a low placed tone. I was thankful he was at a distance so he could not hear my heart beat.

"I assume it concerns me?" I said inquisitively. I could be emotionless with others, but I had to express some feeling with Tudor to give him the illusion I was being myself around him.

"It does," was his short snipped reply. Tudor gave me a hard penetrating look before he continued and asked, "When you first came to this school and were placed where you were did I treat you any differently?"

"You did not." I replied, confused and concerned as to where this was going. I was nervous again due to something in his manner that made me very on edge.

"Do you recall the conversation we had on your first day here?" He asked.

"Not clearly." I responded.

"We talked of your loyalties, your morals. You assured me in all sincerity that they were correct. You vowed your devotion to our family and promised me that even though you were given such an unfortunate situation that you would not stray from your promises," he reminded me. I'd be lying if I said to you that I was not fearful of what he was speaking of.

"Yes, I remember now. But I'm confused as to why you are bringing it up," I said, frowning.

"Because I have found out, Veronica, that you have broken your promises to me." Tudor said and the coldness of his tone shocked me. His eyes were like knives and I felt as though he would lunge at me in his anger.

"Tudor I don't under--"

"Lily Evans."

Fuck, fuck, fuck. This wasn't good. This was not good! "Apparently you have become rather close." He said, taking a step towards me. I had to fight my instincts to not take a step back.

I could have denied it. I could have denied it very convincingly, but there really was no point. I hadn't hidden my friendship with her well enough so that no one could find out about it. I mentally slapped myself. And I mean really slapped myself.

"Close is hardly a word I would use to describe our relationship, brother, but if you wish." I said coldly.

_Don't get an attitude now, you crazy bitch._

"Oh really. So what word would you use then, Veronica?" I saw signs of anger on his face which I had rarely seen before and I was finding myself becoming very intimidated.

Damn it.

"She is a prefect. During my first weeks she helped me navigate the castle, considering we have similar timetables. And I will not lie and say I was unpleasant to her, but I hardly believe that is grounds for a friendship."

"And why did she visit you daily during your stay in the hospital wing?" he hissed at me as I glared at him.

"She was bringing me work from my classes. I thought that would have been obvious." I spoke to him very coldly, refusing to allow this to escalate.

"Don't lie to me Veronica." Tudor warned and again I felt my courage shiver.

"Why would I? Tudor, I am many things but stupid is not one of them and for me to form a friendship with a Mudblood--"

I really despised myself for using that word but if I said Muggle-born he would have noticed.

"--only a matter of hours after I had been placed in the enemy house would have been at the heights of stupidity," I exclaimed. "Do not think me unaware of the situation I have found myself in, brother. I am perfectly alert to the fact that our father at this moment probably doesn't trust me an inch and it seems to me now that neither do you. I have said this before and I shall keep saying it until you understand: I did not choose this. I had no control over where that hat put me and had I been placed in Slytherin, you would never think to question my interaction with Lily Evans." I said heatedly.

"This is not about your placing Veronica. This is about how you promised me to stay clear of filth like Evans and now you have broken your promise."

"But I haven't!" I glared, angered at his judgment but more so at the way he spoke of Lily. "If you want the honest truth, then yes, I shall admit that perhaps I was not as dismissive of her as I should have been, but I saw no reason to. She was merely doing her duty as a prefect…"

"But it was more than that," he persisted.

"Are you not listening? Yes, it was more than that because she's a sensitive, persistent girl and mistook my attitude as merely shy instead of uninterested. I have admitted to you that I was not as forward with her as I should have been, and if you see that as a betrayal to you, then I will willingly and sincerely apologize but to be perfectly honest I am rather offended you think so lowly of me." As I finished I saw that he was no longer showing hostility, but of course that didn't mean he wasn't merely masking it. Tudor was giving me that same scrutinizing look he had given me every time he was unsure of my motives.

It seemed an age before he spoke to me.

"It is not that I distrust you, Veronica, but I was also told by someone else whom I trust that you were engaging in a close friendship with that Mudblood so I had to make sure," Tudor reasoned with me and my mind reeled when he said someone else he trusted.

It wasn't Troy; if it had been then Troy would have come to me himself. Who else did Tudor actually trust? It wasn't a large number of people and the people that came to mind would know nothing of Lily and me. Then my mind landed on one.

"Snape. Severus Snape. He was the one that told you, wasn't he?" I asked my brother but did not need a reply. "Oh for the love of Merlin, Tudor, the boy's infatuated with Evans. I've seen them together in the library and every single time she even so much as glances at me he starts glaring."

"And he does that because Evans has been telling him…" For the first time in my life I cut my brother off.

"Of course she has. I've already said she's not taken the hint from me so she's probably been telling him we're friends or something. That's why he hates me so much, he's jealous he's not the centre of her attention." I said bitterly. My God, what a greasy little twat. I swear I was going to kill that boy.

Tudor gave a deep breath before he spoke to me next. "I will let this lie just this once, Veronica, but I do not want to hear of you acquainting yourself with people you shouldn't again. As for Evans, make sure she gets the hint this time." Tudor said in that hateful voice he uses that's almost like a threat. He left the room after saying that and it didn't take me long to follow. I certainly had someone to see. I walked quickly, heading down to the dungeons.

_Idiot. Stupid, stupid, idiotic tosser. What the hell did he think he was playing at?_

I rarely became violent but I really felt like smashing something as I stormed down the hall to the painting that acted as an entrance to the Slytherin common room. Just as I approached it I saw Narcissa Black, the youngest Black sister and a year below me, climb through into the corridor.

"Narcissa, have you seen Snape?" I asked her, struggling to reign in my anger.

"Potions lab I think." She said in a bored tone and I didn't even thank her as I stormed up, my anger increasing on knowing that he wasn't in the common room.

_Not only does he cause problems for me but now the malicious little spider is making climb up these godforsaken stairs. Horrible unfeeling boy._

I came off the staircase and took a left to find myself infront of a potions lab. I pushed open the door quickly only to find it empty.

_He can't even be in the right room!_

I moved further along the dark corridor to the only other potion lab, other than the classroom, and prayed for his sake more than anything that he was in there. I opened the door, the force I had to use only increasing my anger and I finally found myself looking at the object of my hatred.

Snape stopped making his potion and his cold black eyes looked upon me in distaste. "Can I help you?" he asked me, his lip curling on seeing me.

"What the hell did you say to my brother?" I snapped at him coldly slamming the door behind me.

"I don't think that's any of your business, Phoenix," he replied, returning to his potion as though I was not even there.

I gritted my teeth. "Let's try that again, shall we?" I pulled out my wand and in a flash he was pinned half way up against the wall with his feet off the ground, knocking over a potion shelf on his way.

"What did you say to my brother?" I asked again, stepping forward towards him. I saw him reach for his wand but with a flick of my wrist his arms were pinned above his head.

I tapped my foot impatiently to show him that I was most definitely expecting an answer.

"I told your brother that his sister is a lying conniving traitor who is expressly going against all his wishes." He spat out at me.

I'll be honest. I was shocked and mildly impressed. Absolutely livid and ready to kill him, but it took some nerve to say that given I could torture him if I wished.

"Well, that wasn't very nice was it?" I said coldly and with another flick of my wand I made it so that his body was no longer pinned to the wall, just his hands and wrists so that he hung there. He made a noise of pain but I was beyond caring.

"Do you have any idea what you just did?" I said, walking even closer to his elevated form. He struggled against the invisible bonds. "Do you know what would have happened had my other brother found out? Do you know what he would have done to Lily?" I asked him, disgusted and repulsed at his actions against her. His complete disregard for what could have happened to her.

"They wouldn't touch her. Tudor gave me his word that he wouldn't tell Troy and unlike you, your brother sticks to his word." His voice shook saying the words and I could tell it was becoming increasingly painful for him to hang there. Good.

I drew a breath to speak but I couldn't even think of any words that could justify what I felt for him. Instead I brought my wand up yet again and threw his form like a rag doll into a set of shelves on the other side of the room. He hit it with a crash and all the jars smashed down along with him, but he was still conscious so I walked over to him.

"If you try anything like this again then I promise you now that you will be loosing a lot more than a little bit of blood," I said, my eyes sweeping over the gash on his leg where the glass from the smashed jars had sliced into him. I knew that Tudor wasn't going to be pleased at what I had done, so I made a difficult decision and left before I did anything else. As I did, I was further surprised that Snape had not yet given up.

"You just wait until your brother hears of this. It isn't going to look very good now is it Veronica," he taunted and I had to use all my willpower to not turn around and hex him.

"He'll understand," I called back, ripping open the door and darting out of the room.

I was not yet calm. Far from it.

I found my feet taking me somewhere of their own accord. My breathing was heavy and now, looking back, I was probably unjustifiably angry but at the time it seemed very damn justified. I vaguely noticed myself walking through the common room and I barely registered how hard I banged the door shut to my dorm. As I expected, Lily was seated on her bed reading a book as she did most Sundays. She looked up at me, her emerald eyes widening upon seeing me.

"What's wrong…?"

"What the hell are you playing at?" I spat viciously. My anger lacked the heat it had moments before instead replaced with a freezing quality.

"What--?"

Again I cut her off. "Telling Snape all about our friendship?" I taunted. Lily frowned at me but then realized what I was talking about.

"I told you, Lily. I told you months ago how things are and yet you were stupid enough to go to Severus Snape and start telling him about how close we are!" I snarled coldly and she seemed much taken aback by my demeanor.

"How could you be so foolish? You should be thankful it was Tudor he spoke to and not Troy. If he had, then you'd probably be in St. Mungo's by now!" My voice rose ever so slightly at her.

"Ronnie, you're overreacting. Sev would nev--" Lily argued, getting angry herself now but I cut her off once more.

"Never what, Lily? Crawl and betray you like the poisonous snake he is? Well I'm afraid he did." I taunted her, unfeeling towards how it would upset her.

"You don't even kn--" Lily fought again, her eyes narrowing, but I had to cut her off or I feared I would have ended up slapping her if she carried on defending him.

"We're done." Were my few cold words.

"What do you mean we are done?" Lily demanded.

"I mean that's it. Any kind of friendship we have is done. It's now plain to me that you are nothing but a stupid naïve little girl and I cannot afford to befriend a fool," I said emotionlessly. I knew my words hurt Lily but she was too angry to try and reason with me. I strongly fought and won against my rising guilt. Even in my bitter anger I didn't really want to do this, but it was necessary. My attachment to her and others was foolish and careless. It wasn't good at all.

"If that's how you feel, then fine. I won't even bother," Lily said harshly, fighting to keep her tone calm. She glared at me before storming out the room leaving me to stew in my own hatred for anything and everything.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

I sat on that bed for a very long time, my mind more alive with emotions than I think it had ever been. I felt sick to my stomach, a twisted, harsh, unexplainable anger coursing through my veins, and yet I still felt like crying from my distress, my agitation, my fear. My mind replayed the mess I was in, I felt my throat constrict and this slight pressure in my head as I tried to swallow hurt. It had been almost six years since I had cried and it felt so foreign and unwelcome for tears to surface now.

"No," I told myself firmly, breathing in deeply. I did not cry. Tears were weak; they showed a weakness of character, a lack of self control.

I was not weak. I refused to be weak. Most importantly, I refused to relinquish control to tears. I would not allow myself to succumb to such a pathetic outlet of letting hot liquid seep from my eyes. It was ludicrous. How could that make things better?

I decided that sitting down and mulling over my issues wasn't going to help so I made myself stand and take a walk.

It was about ten minutes into my walk of the hall of Hogwarts that I realized how strangely I was acting. My gaze lingered on things for longer than it should have and I felt…well the best way I can think of to describe it is a dramatic hysteria. I felt almost drunk and though I was no longer angry, there was something. Something off.

I just didn't care. I was totally indifferent to the things that surrounded me. I just didn't give a damn anymore.

"Now what is a little girl like you doing wandering the hall at this time of night?" A rough voice sounded out to me in a tone of mock disapproval. I rolled my eyes in recognition.

"None of your business, Troy," I sighed.

"Actually I'll think you'll find it is Vonnie," he replied to me and I scoffed, halting in my steps and turning to face my brother.

"Go. Away." I glared "I am not in the mood for you right now." I said in distaste and turned to remove myself from an argument I really wasn't up for.

"Aww, don't be like that sis," Troy called in a whiny tone I really despised. I snapped round again.

"What the hell is your problem?! Cant you just back off for five seconds?!" I complained.

Troy frowned, looking me up and down before crossing his muscled arms over his broad chest.

"Are you drunk?" he asked with a look that made me want to slap him.

"Yes," I replied, wide eyed, before rolling them. "Of course I'm not drunk, you idiot," I spat

"You're acting drunk."

"Well, you're acting like a twat."

_Yeah great comeback Ronnie, really well done._

"Oh Christ, your not having another one of your 'I reject sanity moments' again are you?" Troy asked with a sigh.

You know that unfeeling attitude? Yeah it was gone now. His mere presence replaced it with an incredibly impatient anger.

"Shouldn't you be off, bedding some cheap slapper or whatever else it is that you do?" I taunted, for some reason wanting to provoke him. His blue eyes, so similar to my own, darkened and I felt the oddest thrill of satisfaction for creating his hostility.

"I forgot what a bitch you could be," Troy mused with a snarl, his lip curling.

"Well I aim to please," I remarked sarcastically before crossing my arms over my own chest and glaring at him. "Should you really be talking to me? Wont Tudor be worried that the leash he holds so tightly isn't straining?" I had hit a nerve and I smirked at him pleased at the reaction I was given before turning my back on him, too bored of his taunts.

"You know who you remind me of right now?" he asked in a tone with n edge from behind my back. "Mother. Getting more and more like her each day, Von." He called as I neared the end of the corridor and I could hear the smile in his voice.

,I want you to imagine a ribbon. That was the relationship between Troy and me and over the course of our lives, that ribbon had been worn down so much it was now hanging together by a thread. For some unknown reason, in that corridor on the fourth floor of Hogwarts, that thread snapped.

It snapped with a deafening bang filling my head with a white fire. Before I could even fully register what it was, my wand was drawn, lights shooting from its tip as I turned to my brother only to find him reciprocating in kind as quickly as I could blink. It was like I was engulfed in flames and my only desire was to somehow hurt him even if it killed me.

My wand moved at a rapid pace almost of its own accord, swirling so quickly it made my wrist ache, but I barely noticed. I didn't even take any note of the damage we were inflicting to the surrounding corridor as our spells bounced off each other and rebounded off the stone walls. I was too absorbed in my determination to overthrow him. I aimed a spell at his wand hand and was surprised when it hit, taking away his weapon. By some miracle I had defeated him.

Then something happened, and for the rest of my life it would always be blurry exactly what it was that had happened. All I know is that I carried on almost mechanically, fueled by such a forceful, soul-shattering hatred that to this day I don't know how it didn't consume me. It didn't matter whom my spells were directed at, it only mattered that they hit someone, that I caused someone plain.

Often I refer to how things crash down on me, but this wasn't like that. Something that had dwelled deep inside me in the darkest places came up. But as it moved, it didn't only get to the surface -- it consumed me along the way. There no voice telling me to stop. No common sense demanding compassion. Just all consuming darkness that refused to acknowledge weak emotions such as guilt and mercy.

I used spells that I should never have known of let alone performed. I had to hurt someone... I had to lash out make someone suffer.

Any noises Troy made were muffled by the high pitched ringing in my ears and of the banging of the stone as the vibrations echoed.

It still haunts me to think of how far I would have gone had it not stopped.

I was thrown back by a force I could not see and I slammed into the brick wall behind me, falling with an empty gasp as the wind was knocked out of me and an ache seared through my side.

It took merely seconds for me to come back to reality and when I looked up I saw Tudor standing, scrutinizing me with a look in his eyes I had never seen before. As he walked to our brother, I realized what had happened.

At first, I felt sick but then something crashed down on me like tidal wave, overwhelming emotions I couldn't even name.

I staggered up, breathing erratically, and fled the scene, desperately, trying to block out the emotions. Nothing worked. I didn't know where I was going; I could have been walking off the face of the earth for all I knew because I wasn't seeing anything. I couldn't breathe. Any physical pain was overlooked, for no physical injury could compare to the soul crushing emotions I endured without relent in that moment.

I barely registered as something pulled me. I didn't hear the shutting of the door and I don't know how long words were spoken to me before I heard them.

"V…" was the first word I heard and it caused me to pay attention to it. The second his face came into view, I pulled away, moving from him and hitting a wall. My breathing was uncontrollable now and I soon realized tears had begun to stream thick and fast down my face. There were no screams or even sobs -- my voice couldn't handle it. All I knew was that at some point I had sunk down to the ground and that I had somehow found myself in his arms. He held me as I tore apart and completely broke in that room.

**I really want to point out that she isn't some kind of sadist and she won't start becoming evil in this story. Just thought I'd add that in. I would also like to say that I'm sure a lot of you have noticed that Sirius and Veronica aren't having that much interaction considering this a SB/OC fic, I have realized this and I never intended the story to be all about her but it kind of just happened that way. I can assure you though that from now on it's going to be pretty much all about them, especially the next few chapters where they will be practically the only people in them. I also promise that it won't be all arguing and nothing important is said because after her little episode in this chapter she's not exactly in the most hostile of moods.**

**Review xxxxx**


	22. Giving In

**Okay, so I know that I nearly always say this when I'm introducing a chapter with Sirius and Ronnie but I would like to point out that this chapter is quite drastically erratic. I don't know how it happened but the emotional shifts seem to be quite prominent in this one. Seriously, I think I've created a bi polar person or something. **

**Anyway I hope you like it!**

**Enjoy!**

Everybody has a metaphoric bottle: the one in which we encase our feelings, our secrets. How quickly that bottle fills itself and what it fills itself with depends on the person, of course. The single guarantee is that the bottle will smash. Those secrets and feelings will come out.

Cracks had been appearing in my very own bottle for quite some time now, but me being who I am, I glossed over them, making them appear nonexistent. When my brother threw me against the wall, my bottle smashed, releasing emotions in such overwhelming quantities I couldn't think straight.

I didn't have even the slightest inkling as to how long I had been in that room. The tears had stopped, I knew that much. My eyes felt tender and my face stiff. My head still ached from the weight of my anguish but the warmth that encased me brought a soothing comfort.

I couldn't bring myself to care. Care that I had just had a breakdown in front of him. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I even cared that I had just had a breakdown full stop.

I thought myself foolish to have believed that I could have held that all in forever. It wasn't as though I had cried because of what had happened in that corridor with my brother. I was crying for everything. All the tears I had held in these six long years came out in wave after wave. Yet it hadn't even helped. Not really. There was an odd, almost hollow relief, I suppose, in letting the pain appear on the surface, but it was still there. All the turmoil still lingered.

I finally took notice of the silence that had encased us now. Sirius sat so that his back was against the wall whilst I was curled up, half in his lap with my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around me, holding me to him. I hadn't so much as glanced at his face since the tears had stopped. Not a word had been said expect for the occasional soothing hushing sounds he made as I wept, but since my eyes had dried there was silence which I chose to break with a rather unimportant question.

"What time is it?" I asked, shocked at how soft and quiet my voice was. I saw his wrist lift above me to where I knew his head was and I waited as he observed the clock's face. "Quarter to nine," he informed me, his arm going straight back to its former position around me.

I moved, pulling back slightly but not enough so that he had to relinquish his hold on me. I finally looked at him and the first thing I noticed was how he almost radiated concern.

"What time did you bring me in here?" I asked him.

Sirius exhaled loudly before bringing up his hand to my face and stroking the hair back gently. "It was while ago," he replied and I noticed that his voice was also softer than it normally was. I gave a small nod but grew confused as he tensed. My eyes flicked back to his face to see his own eyes fixed on my hairline.

"You're bleeding," he stated, his eyes flashing. "Is that why you're so upset? Did someone hurt you?" he inquired, all softness gone from his voice. Now his tone was one that demanded an answer.

"No," I replied, my voice full of the confusion I felt. I lifted my hand to my head and winced when I felt a cut behind my hairline and a sticky substance I assumed to be blood. It must have happened when I hit the wall.

"Then where did that come from?" Sirius asked, looking at the gash, obviously concerned.

I sighed, not really wanting to relive what had happened. I closed my eyes and shook my head, leaning back into him.

Sirius breathed out heavily, seemingly frustrated with not knowing. "Can you at least tell me what's wrong? Please?" he asked, pulling a hand through my hair.

"Everything," I whispered before closing my eyes. "I am having a really, really, really bad day today."

"Is this about what happened with Rabastan?" Sirius asked me gently, his thumb stroking the hand he held.

"No," I shook my head a tad, "Well, it didn't help, but..." I trailed off, struggling hard with my words before finally just admitting the truth. "I just don't know what to do anymore," I confessed. "Everything's just so… hard all the time," I said, heavily pulling away from him to sit up properly. I don't know why I did it but I found that away from his warmth I could breathe easier… he may make things clearer in some ways, but in others, he clouds things in a haze. I wasn't far though; he was still very close, so close we were still touching. I pulled my hands up to my head and rubbed my temples slowly.

"V, you have to talk to me," Sirius said, a plead in his tone, as he took my hand from my head and held it in his own, making me look at him.

"What do you want me to say to you, Sirius?" I asked, my eyes pricking yet again with more tears. I found that there were no walls coming up to keep me safe. This was so odd; I didn't recall ever being like this. I wasn't and never had been sensitive, not even as a child. There had been times, of course, where I felt vulnerable and I'm certainly not saying I didn't cry every now and then as a child, but I was never ever what someone would call sensitive. Whenever I did feel a bit defenceless, I would close myself off. I hated people seeing me like that. I'd slam down my shutters and if anyone had the audacity to lift them, I would jam them down even tighter. There were no iron walls now. No lie on the tip of my tongue, ready to be heard. I brought my knees up to my chest in a desperate attempt to bring myself just a little bit of safety.

"How many times to I have to say this to you? I just want you to tell me the truth," Sirius said firmly and I could feel his gaze on me. His hand tightened around mine.

"Oh for God's sake, Sirius, this is hard enough without you doing this all the time!" I exclaimed, ripping my hand away from him, not knowing what to do.

He narrowed his eyes at me in a searching way as though he was trying to look for something in my eyes. "And what exactly is hard?" he questioned in a low whisper.

"Everything," I repeated through gritted teeth.

Sirius's eyes did what they did best: they trapped my gaze and gave me that look that I found unnerving for I knew it to have a slight hold on me.

"What are you hiding?" he asked in a voice that was barely above a whisper. His features were softer now and his stormy eyes held frustration and concern.

"I don't recall saying I was hiding anything," I said indignantly.

"You didn't, but I know you are," Sirius responded quietly yet with certainty.

I stared at him for a few moments and when I spoke, my voice was pleading. "Why won't you just let things be?" As soon as I had spoken, I knew how stupid it had been for me to ask that.

Sirius let out a hollow laugh. "Let it be?" his eyes darkened. "Let it be?! You have a complete breakdown---"

"It wasn't---"

"Yes it was, V. You completely broke right in front of me and you want me to _let it be_?" he asked, shaking his head in disbelief. "I can't sit by and watch you self-destruct. I won't." he said forcefully.

I glared, my erratic side resurfacing again as I stood up. "I am not going to self-destruct," I defended myself rather poorly.

He rolled his eyes, still leaning against the base of the wall. "Don't go running away again," he said as though speaking to a child.

"I wasn't going to!" I yelled at him, huffing and leaning against the opposite wall, arms over my chest.

"Has anyone ever told you your mood swings are ridiculously extreme?" he asked but carried on before I could answer, "probably not, because you storm off before anyone gets the chance. God forbid you don't play the victim."

"I do not play the victim!" I shouted at him.

Sirius just rolled his eyes again. "Yes you do, you're a complete drama queen." He stated matter of factly. "You always were."

"Says the boy who set his cousin's hair on fire just to see what would happen!" I accused hotly.

"I was defending myself! I wasn't being dramatic. You're the one incapable of answering a question without the theatrics," he sighed, standing up now.

"I am not a drama queen," I insisted in a very sulky way.

Sirius smirked; clearly pleased to have gotten such a reaction. I just glared at him. "Oh no, you're completely rational. You never overreact." He nodded in a mock understanding way.

I shot him a hard glare. "This is your fault," I whispered spitefully. "Before you, I was a very well-behaved child, I did what I was told and I certainly wasn't dramatic but then you came along and ruined me."

"Ruined you?" Sirius said amusedly.

"Yes. You were a bad influence," I stated.

"No, I'm not having that. If anything, you were the bad influence on me," he said, no trace of a lie in his eyes.

"What?! Have you lost your mind? I was lovely before you came along."

"That may be what you wanted people to think, but may I remind you of the instance in which Bellatrix' hair set on fire? If I remember rightly, you decided she was possessed---"

I cut him off. "No, I merely suggested it. You were the one that decided the only way to save us all was to perform some made up ritual using almost 50 rose candles, which by the way have put me off the smell of roses for life. And then once we dragged Bellatrix in there, you started arguing with her, as always, and ended up pushing her into a candle," I reminded him before realizing just how ludicrously childish I was being.

"Say what you like, but we both know you were the one that corrupted me," Sirius said simply.

I rolled my own eyes this time. "Fine, I corrupted you. I corrupted everyone. I was a horrible satanic little brat, is that better?" I asked, but gave a wince as I my elbow hit my ribcage. I looked down, surprised and touched my hand to my side to find it feeling very tender. How had I not noticed this before?

I realized Sirius was kneeling in front of me. "What's that?" he demanded.

_Again with the demanding._

"I don't know," I replied, confused. Then it came to me very quickly that I had felt a pain there when Tudor blasted me to the wall. My heart skipped a beat on thinking of that situation and I instantly tried to block it out.

I gasped as Sirius placed a hand on each hip and lifted me onto a nearby desk. "Umm, what are you doing?" I asked in disbelief as he pulled out his wand. He ignored me.

"Lift up your top," he ordered.

"I'm sorry, come again?" I asked him, eyebrow raised. His grey eyes met mine.

"I want to see the damage. I know you aren't going to tell me how it got there, so lift up your top," Sirius repeated. I stared at him for a while.

"You've got hands," I said shortly. Sirius kept eye contact with me for a moment. He then sighed in disbelief before his gaze dropped to the end of the top I wore.

He lifted it up slowly. Instead of pulling it like most would have, he laid his hand on my newly exposed skin before he moved the top upwards, effectively stroking my skin and moving the fabric up as he went higher. I had to suppress a shiver at the way it felt to have his hand on my bare skin. He had to stop, though, as he exposed purple bruising on my side.

His darkened eyes came up to meet mine. "Tell me what happened." It was an order. There was something to his voice now that made me realize I wasn't allowed to refuse.

"Troy and I had an argument--" his eyes flashed with a dark fire, "--but he didn't do this," I hastened to add. "We had an argument and... well, we aimed a few spells at each other..." I glanced to the side, not sure of how to put this. "Things got out of hand," I said, my voice a lot quieter now. "Tudor had to break it up and I hit a wall."

My explanation was vague but I hoped it was enough.

"You hit a wall? How did you it a wall?" Sirius demanded to know.

"One of the spells rebounded," I said, praying he would believe me. He didn't, I saw that much in his eyes, but he stopped. I was thankful.

His hand went up to my head and he very softly parted my hair to see the cut.

"Do you know what you're doing?" I asked as he raised his wand.

"I've healed a lot more than this, V," Sirius said gently before placing the tip of his wand to the gash. It grew very warm for a moment before the ache I hadn't really realized was there went away. He then pulled the dark wand down to the bruising.

"I thought there weren't any spells to remove bruising?" I asked, confused.

"Well, not really, but there are spells to take the tenderness away and things like glamour spells to make it appear the same colour as the rest of your skin," he explained before casting a spell. It felt very odd and I was shocked to see the bruising glow a light blue.

"And what was that supposed to do?" I asked him.

"Take the pain away," Sirius replied. To prove his point, he placed a hand on the bruising but there was no pain or discomfort just the same tingling I felt when his skin came in contact with mine.

"Very impressive," I said, causing him to smirk.

"I know," he replied and I felt my lips spread into a slight smile almost automatically.

"You are so arrogant," I remarked, amused at his lack of modesty.

"How is that arrogance? I was agreeing with you, I thought that would make you happy," Sirius stated, his usual smirk in place, his hand still rested on my bare skin as he had yet to place my clothing in its original state. His other hand was resting on the table very close to me as he stood between my legs.

"Sirius, we both know it's not possible to get more egotistical than you," I said in serious tone but a smile still tinted my lips.

"Oh, and you're not arrogant at all, are you?"

"No," I replied simply.

He raised an eyebrow and looked at me accusingly. "So not am I only a drama queen but I'm arrogant as well now?" I asked, looking up at him as he looked down at me.

"Yes," Sirius stated, choosing to leave it at that.

I laughed at him, a sound and a feeling I hadn't let escape me in while. This was such an odd conversation we were having. It had started off with me in tears and then us arguing and now this. I had no control over it.

"Is this your way of cheering me up? Insulting me?" I asked him to which he smiled.

"I'm not insulting you," Sirius insisted. I raised my eyebrow at him.

Then it happened again. I'm not sure if it was because we were so close or because there was finally no hostility in our words, but either way I felt a startling change in the air as his gaze fell to my lips in a glance before returning to my eyes.

"Sirius," I warned, my voice not as firm as I had hoped it would be, "don't." I was mildly breathless now. My heart seemed to be doing a thousand beats per minute and my chest gave the oddest ache. His eyes were fixated on my own with his usual intensity radiating out.

"Why?" he breathed out to me, a note of desperation in his husky voice. He was close, very close. I could feel his breath on my face and I knew that if one of us went forward just slightly, my lips would be on his, his on mine.

"Because..." I whispered, not able to come up with a good answer. The hand that rested on the desk came up and cupped the side of my face.

"'Because' isn't a good enough answer," he whispered so quietly that if I hadn't been so close, I would never have heard him. Before I could say anything else, Sirius had closed the gap between us.

My eyes fluttered shut the second his lips moulded with mine and it didn't even cross my mind to resist. I couldn't. I felt it this time, the way he kissed me. His lips moved with mine softly at first, but there was forcefulness there, the kiss was almost... dominating? I felt his tongue run along my bottom lip and a soft moan fell from me that soon turned into a gasp as our tongues tangled together. He tasted so right. My hands found his neck before weaving themselves into the hair at the base. He closed any distance there was between our bodies as he pressed himself up against me fully, making my legs, which he still stood between, tighten around his waist. I tugged at his hair, causing him to realise a husky moan.

I had completely melted against him at this point. Any rational thought I tried to grasp onto was dismissed in a flash by his lips. There was this sense of comfort and safety that had enveloped me and not for a moment did I contemplate stopping.

But he did.

Sirius pulled away from me, breathing heavily, and he rested his forehead against my shoulder. He released what appeared to be a frustrated groan.

Without his lips on mine I now took notice of what I had done. Again. Even though I repeated to myself that I was glad he had pulled away, I didn't feel relieved. I felt confused and... God, it sounds so pathetic, but I felt slightly hurt.

"I shouldn't have done that," Sirius muttered, his voice muffled by my shoulder.

"No, you shouldn't have," I agreed, ignoring the sinking feeling I had at his words. He was right: this was wrong. Had he finally seen that? Seen he needed to walk away?

_That's what you want._

Then why did my chest ache at the thought? A jolt of misplaced panic wrapped itself around my throat and I realized just what it would mean for him to leave me alone. For this kiss to have just been it. Yes, I had been asking him to back off for a very long time now but... Okay, I knew I sounded like a presumptuous bitch but I felt deep down that he wouldn't think so. I knew he was too stubborn to just give up like that.

That was the moment I realized just how badly I had treated Sirius. Wow, it had been a long day.

"No!" He hissed, suddenly angry, as he raised his head to look at me. "Not for the reason you mean." He looked frustrated with me. "Less than half an hour ago you were crying your eyes out and it's not okay for me to be doing this when you're clearly not in the right frame of mind."

"Don't be silly, I am more than capable of pushing you off," I said, noticing that my lungs didn't feel nearly as tight now.

"That's not the point," he said, his voice harsh.

I let out a deep, almost shaky breath. "It doesn't matter," I said firmly, "we shouldn't have done that. It didn't help anything, did it," I dismissed the matter. Sirius moved back from me, his jaw tight with frustration. I felt the horrible familiar feeling of cold as his warmth no longer melted into me.

"Why do you have to be so difficult?!" Sirius shouted suddenly, exasperated.

"Stop yelling at me!" I cried back before I had even registered my words. I was surprised and at the same time horrified to find my eyes pricking with tears. Merlin, my emotions were so unbelievably fucked up. I placed my hands over my face, letting out a deep breath, and attempted to block off my tears.

"V," Sirius whispered softly after a few moments of silence. "Come on, what's wrong?" His voice was closer now.

_What a stupid question._

I pulled my hands away to look at him and saw bewilderment and worry on his handsome features.

"I am!" I extenuated my word by pointing at myself. "I am very fragile. I just had a damn breakdown, for Christ's sake, and then you call me an arrogant drama queen, you kiss me and then, Sirius, you start yelling at me for no reason!" I shouted. Sirius looked taken aback and I completely understood what he meant about my mood swings.

I closed my eyes, taking yet another deep breath, trying to calm myself. "This needs to stop," I said with finality.

"What do you mean?" I heard him ask and I opened my eyes to see him frowning.

"This, Sirius," I said motioning randomly with my hand. "All of this arguing and accusing. It's not helping either of us. In fact, it's just making everything else worse," I said weakly. "I'm hurting you," I stated, making him glance off to the side. "This is hurting you; hell, it's hurting both of us..."

"Because you make it like that! You cause all these arguments because you keep refusing to answer my questions!" Sirius cried beseechingly.

"Sirius, what the hell is it that you want from me?!" I asked the question I had asked time and time again.

"The truth!" And there was my predicted answer.

"The truth? You want the truth?!"

"Yes!"

I gave him a hard look. "I'll tell you what, Sirius, you take me to St. Mungo's and I'll tell you whatever you want." To this day I am convinced I wasn't really aware of what I was saying, the weight of what I was asking.

"St. Mungo's?" Sirius asked, eyes narrowing in confusion.

"St. Mungo's" I confirmed in a very calm voice.

It only took him a moment to reply. "Fine."

"What?" I asked him.

"I take you to St. Mungo's and you answer my questions." I gave him a long look but he seemed very sincere.

"You haven't even asked why I want to go there," I said, shocked

"No," Sirius replied as he stood up in front of me, "but I'll find out soon enough."

**So what do you think? Like it? Hate it? Let me know people :)**

**Review xxxxx**


	23. Out Of My Control

**So chapter 23 is here! Sorry it took a little longer than I thought but seriously, getting back into the swing of things after summer? Not easy.**

**This chapter is pretty much solely down to sweetbutteri, seriously it was a mess before she got it and as always she did wonders! She completely transformed it and even wrote a few scenes because I was at a complete loss at where to go. **

**Enjoy!**

I knew this wasn't clever. I hadn't formed a good plan.

I was still sitting in the cold stone classroom Sirius had taken me to, only now I was alone. Sirius had left to retrieve something and had asked me to wait here. It seemed to me that he was utterly serious in his proposal of guiding me to my desired destination: St. Mungo's to visit Paris.

This confused me. For all he knew, I could be going there to... I don't know**. **But what if I was going to do something far fetched and dramatic?

_Wait, I was..._

Was Sirius just willing to have faith in that my motives were good? Willing to trust me? When had I ever given him reason to believe anything but the worst in me?

I was finding it increasingly difficult to understand the mind of my former best friend.

I wasn't too sure where my request had come from. Well, that wasn't entirely true, actually. I supposed that it had been lingering in the back of my mind for some time now. It was something that had stayed there ever since my failed attempt to visit Paris months before.

It had become obvious to me as to why I wanted to see my brother: closure. I couldn't carry on like this. Not in the state I was in. The thing that I found both confusing and concerning, though, was how I went about getting what I wanted.

I had asked Sirius Black, of all the people in the world, to accompany me. At first, his compliance shocked me, but as I thought about it, it could have been predicted, actually. Sirius Black was as stubborn as they come and his mind was set on uncovering the secrets he had convinced himself I kept. I shouldn't have been surprised at the lengths of which he would go to get his answers.

There my large frightening problem lay. I had promised him answers. But was I ready to give them? To tell him? To relive it all again? Was I truly willing to allow him such access to my innermost self, that which I strived to keep hidden?

Perhaps telling him about what had happened with Paris would be part of the closure I craved. Maybe it could help?

_Or maybe you're not thinking straight._

Probably true. After all, I had just experienced a complete emotional overload, so this really wasn't the best time for me to be making such huge decisions. I wasn't even sure I would be able to really cope with what it was I was about to do. What if it just made things worse? What if I received no closure at all?

I took in a sharp intake of breathe in surprise when someone quickly entered the room.

"Don't do that," I muttered, sighing in relief upon seeing it to only be Sirius. He smiled, amused at my reaction.

"What was it that you had to get, anyway?" I asked, curious as to what he was so insistent on retrieving before we could leave.

I think Sirius was confident that we could get to St. Mungo's and back before breakfast. Honestly, I actually agreed. If anyone could get me out of Hogwarts and half way across the country unseen, then it was Sirius Black.

"This and that," Sirius replied simply.

I just nodded, not even attempting to get a straight answer. My mood was surprisingly subdued now. I seemed to finally be feeling the after-effects of an emotional breakdown.

"Sirius," I sighed, biting my lip in hesitation. "I don't know if this is a good idea." The hesitation was plain in my voice. Sirius frowned, his forehead transforming into waves and creases. "This was your idea."

"I know, but..." I trailed off, expressing with my eyes what I wasn't voicing. There was no way my indecision didn't shine through to him.

"Look V, I haven't a clue why you want to go halfway across the country but whatever your reason, I can see this is somehow important to you. It's completely up to you, but you seem to need this."

I looked at him for at least a full minute, trying to reign in some sensible thought, but my emotions weren't allowing it. I feared what would happen when I saw Paris again. I bit my bottom lip again, closing my eyes with a sigh before sliding off the desk I had been sitting on. I resigned myself to giving in. Yet again. I swallowed thickly before I spoke.

"So, how are you planning on getting us there unseen, then?" I asked, composing myself as I stood. Seeing the smirk that drew people in spread across his endearing lips, I felt a certain comfort.

_Endearing lips? Okay, did not plan on saying that._

"I have my ways," were the words that wisped off his silver tongue.

_Silver tongue? Where is this coming from…!?_

"And you really think you can get us back by tomorrow morning?"

"That depends on how long you're planning on being there, I suppose," Sirius reasoned.

_When did he become so reasonable?_

"Emm... honestly, Sirius, I have no idea," I admitted in a weak voice, despising the vulnerability I was showing and yet making no real effort to do anything about it. The truth was that I did not have a single idea what to expect once at St. Mungo's, so there was no way for me to sum up the duration of my visit.

"Not even a slight inclination?" he persisted gently.

"Sorry, I know I'm not being very helpful," I said apologetically. I saw a question flicker in his eyes.

"Doesn't really matter anyway, it's a Sunday tomorrow so everyone will be in be until about ten," Sirius dismissed. "Wait, what about Evans? Won't she go looking for you when you don't come back tonight?" he asked. His eyes darkened briefly with annoyance, and I could tell he was displeased with his revelation.

My stomach twisted as the thought of my last interaction with Lily, my words to her resurfacing from my memory…

"No." My voice came out unusually throaty so I cleared it. "No, that won't be a problem." I folded my arms across my chest and glanced down. It wasn't a defensive action; it was a way to feel some sort of security.

When Sirius nodded with that uncharacteristically sensible look on his face, I couldn't take it anymore. "Sirius, what are you doing? You haven't even asked me why I want to go there, you're just going along with it. In fact, you're going out of your way to help me. Why?" I was genuinely puzzled.

Sirius adopted a look on his face that I didn't recognize and his eyes grew suddenly intense again. I felt the familiar urge to move closer. He then did something I wasn't expecting: he raised his hand to a stray strand of hair that had fallen over my shoulder and very gently moved it to join the rest of my hair.

"The way I see it, we both get what we want. You get to go and do whatever it is that you're going to do, and I get my answers," Sirius responded, his voice seemingly normal but I heard a gentle undertone.

"And how do you know I won't just lie to you?" I asked, my voice just a soft whisper.

"Will you?" he shot back in a tone that I again could not place. Or perhaps I just wasn't thinking...

The corners of my mouth twitched up slightly into an empty smile. "If I did, you'd see straight through it anyway." I shrugged in the defeat of knowing my acting wasn't very convincing around Sirius. He was the only one I could not persuade of anything.

He lips flashed into a wide smile, contradictory to mine, as he nodded again. "Yes, I would." His overly calm voice made me smile in earnest. "Now, it's getting late so I suggest we make a move," Sirius replied as he took a few steps until he reached the door. He opened it but a frown made its way onto his face as I didn't follow him.

I was nervous about leaving the room, and I had a very good reason. Tudor was probably looking for me by now and after what had happened with Troy... I wasn't ready to face it.

"V?" Sirius questioned, confused.

I unconsciously bit my lip again when a thought occurred to me. "You know that map you showed me?" I asked, to which he nodded. "Do you have it on you just now?"

Sirius shot me a confused look but brought it out of his pocket nonetheless. "Why?" he asked.

"You know how I said that Troy and I had a bit of an... argument? Well, I'm kind of guessing that Tudor isn't going to be overly pleased about it and I am most definitely not in the mood to be dealing with him when he's like that," I explained, unusually honest and verbal.

In response, Sirius pointed his wand to the parchment, muttering words I could not hear. Just like the nights before, ink began to bleed across the parchment, forming complicated paths. It still impressed me how detailed the object really was. After a moment of scanning, Sirius's eyes stopped before snapping to me with a frown staining his lips again. I stared back, confused at his action.

"What is it?"

"It says Tudor and Troy are in the hospital wing." My breathing caught before I could stop it.

_What did you expect?_

Now that I thought about it, I had assumed Tudor would have healed any injury I caused, but if it was so bad that he had to bring Troy to the matron...

"V?" Sirius's voice brought me back down to earth and my eyes shot to him in surprise. I saw all the emotions he encased swirl together like a storm. It was hypnotic.

I shook my head, glancing away and breaking his hold on me. "It doesn't matter," I said as I walked past him into the corridor. When I realized he hadn't followed, I looked back to see him open his mouth, about to voice the question I had just seen in his eyes.

"Sirius," I pleaded, asking him to leave it alone. He sighed in frustration before coming out into the corridor as well. What the hell was going on with him? The Sirius Black I knew wasn't one to just leave things like that.

"How exactly are we getting there?" I asked, following him as he began to walk.

"Well, follow me and you'll find out," Sirius replied matter-of-factly. I rolled my eyes but a soft smile tugged at my lips in response to his manner.

Before long, we came to a stop in the middle of an empty corridor. I stared in confusion as Sirius pulled back a tapestry only to reveal the brick wall of the corridor. I opened my mouth to question his action but I was silenced when he pointed his wand at the bricks, forcing them to shift in an odd way to reveal a dark opening.

"What's that?" I asked, shocked and cautious.

"V, I told you I'd get you there, but you have to trust me," Sirius said firmly. I stared at him.

"Wait, you want me to walk into that?!" I asked in disbelief, pointing to the dark opening. There was very little light cast upon what lay in there and I found it exceedingly unnerving.

"Of course not, I want you to stand here and look at it for a few hours," Sirius said in a tone of utter seriousness, but I saw his eyes dance with sarcasm. I continued to give him a look of disbelief.

"It's dark," I stated simply.

"Yes," he replied. After a few moments, I let out a noise of frustration.

"Fine," I huffed. "But if I get eaten by over-grown arachnids or -- or flesh-eating worms or -- anything else that may have an appetite for my flesh, then I hope you feel tremendously guilty."

Sirius gave a bark-like laugh. "I swear to you that I won't let anything eat you," he vowed.

"You'd better not," I mumbled, passing him reluctantly to enter the darkness. He came in closely behind me and sealed the entrance, diminishing any light that had existed and throwing the tunnel into complete darkness. I jumped when something brushed against me.

"It's me," Sirius's voice said calmly, yet still sounding amused. I grimaced into the darkness.

"Sirius, you may not recall, but -- darkness and me? Not a good mix," I said, referring to countless instances in our childhood. I used to convince myself that things were hiding in the shadows.

"We're the only ones here," Sirius responded softly. He was very close to me and I could feel the warmth of his body again. It was a sensation I was beginning to welcome... well, had welcomed for a while now if I was truly honest with myself. I had the strongest urge to move back into his chest. Thankfully, I didn't have to fight it very hard for I found a distraction in the form of a bright spark coming from Sirius's wand. A stream of bluish light shot out of it and gathered together on what appeared to be the roof of whatever it was that we were in. It bathed us in an azure glow.

"What spell is that?" I asked, looking up at the misty illumination. The spell's effect was sort of like Lumos, except that the light was more spread out, not like the beam of a flashlight. And, of course, there was that blue tinge to everything.

"Remus invented it in third year," Sirius explained.

I turned to find him looking at me. "Where are we?" I inquired, looking curiously at my surroundings. We seemed to be in a rocky tunnel of sorts, with moss on the walls and uneven ground. However, I couldn't see very far for the light only illuminated the tunnel to an extent. The rest was in darkness.

"It's a tunnel," Sirius said ever so helpfully.

"No," I gasped sarcastically, "I can see it's a tunnel, Sirius, but to where?"

"Hogsmeade."

"Hogsmeade," I echoed. "As in the village?"

"Yep."

"Do I even want to know how you know this is here?" I contemplated out loud, shaking my head at how it seemed the reputation he and his friends had obtained over the years was apparently deserved.

"Probably not, no. Anyway, all we have to do is follow this and it will take us directly into Hogsmeade."

"And what do we do when we get there?" I questioned.

Sirius exhaled loudly. "Do you trust me?" he asked patiently.

I found the answer came without thought. "Yes."

"Then stop asking questions," he said before walking ahead of me down the tunnel.

"How long will it take to get there?"

He turned to me with a look of exasperation.

"It's a valid question!" I defended.

"It'll take a while, but not too long," he answered as I walked up beside him. The tunnel was quite wide and the enchanted light still lit our path. Though it was impressive in some respects, it was leaving darkness in our wake, and it unsettled me greatly to turn my back against the pitch black. Sirius being Sirius noticed my discomfort, of course.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing." I cleared my throat.

Sirius didn't buy it, and as I have said, he was a very stubborn individual.

"V, tell me," he demanded, stopping this time so that I had to do the same, for the light followed the caster and that was not me.

"Sirius, why does it matter?" I asked softly, a slight plead to my tone. I hated whining.

"It matters to me and I want to know," Sirius replied firmly, giving me yet another one of his searching looks. I unconsciously gave a glance at the darkness behind us. As I said, darkness had always unsettled me, but it didn't usually affect me this much. Although, to be fair, I was hardly in the most stable mental state.

Sirius perceived the turn of my head. "Are you still scared of the dark?" he asked, trying, and mostly succeeding, to keep the laugh out of his voice. I knew he didn't mean it in a cruel way. Still annoyed me though.

"No," I replied instantly, and quickly added, "I was never necessarily scared of the dark."

"Yes you were."

"Okay, fine, I admit it, it unsettled me--"

He cut me off. "Unsettled?! V, when you were six, you almost had a panic attack because you woke up in the middle of the night and someone had turned out the lights. You thought Troy did it and you both had a week long war when it actual fact your father had turned out the lights when you had fallen asleep. Don't you remember that?"

"Shut up," I snapped, walking ahead. He followed. There was about a minute of silence before he spoke.

"Are you still scared of paper cuts too?" Sirius asked in a tone of pure innocence.

"I'm not scared of them! I just find them extremely unpleasant. There's a difference!" I cried in annoyance.

"Okay, okay." He held up his hands in surrender. "Sorry."

Another silence.

"What about the whole spiders thing?"

"Sirius, I swear to God!"

"I'm stopping, I'm stopping!" Sirius yelled, but I saw the amusement dancing in his gaze.

I rolled my eyes. "You're incorrigible," I told him, but with no real hostility.

"Incorrigible?" Sirius smirked. He really did do that a lot.

"Yes."

"How do you know that I'm not all grown up and sensible now?"

"You'll never be sensible, Sirius. You're incapable of it," I insisted.

"Incapable, am I?"

"Completely."

His bark-like laugh filled the tunnel, making the corners of my mouth twitch. "You know, I resent that," He said, forcing himself to be serious. "I can be sensible."

I laughed. "Sirius, no you can't. You're genetically unable. As a result of inbreeding, I'm afraid you're lacking in quite a simple thing," I said lightly.

"What would that be?" Sirius's smirk turned to a grin.

"Well, you see, most people have this voice in their head that tells them not to put their hand in the flame. You, however, don't have one."

"I have that voice," Sirius insisted in a pretend appalled tone. "It just happens to be very, very, very quiet."

I laughed once more, even though I tried not to. It ceased when I realized we had come to the end of the tunnel. It was a dead end. I looked at Sirius.

"Patience is a virtue, V," Sirius quoted the wise saying.

"One we both have yet to receive," I pointed out.

"Yeah, well, I couldn't have been made utterly perfect, now could I. That wouldn't have been fair to the rest of the world," Sirius said evenly, moving forward. I rolled my eyes for the thousandth time that night.

"What are you doing now?" I asked as he moved his hand over the jagged rocks that formed the walls. He stopped, turning to me with a look of disapproval. "What did I say about the questions?"

I exhaled dramatically, narrowing my eyes in a gesture of reluctant resignation.

"Thank you," Sirius said, returning to the wall. His hands traveled it for a moment before freezing on a particular spot. His wand came to the point his finger marked and he pressed it against the stone.

I didn't see any visible incantation or spell being performed. Yet the rocks shifted, much like they had in the castle, and opened a large gap in the wall, again much like the one in the castle. This one, however, was even darker, for the light illuminating the tunnel wasn't very bright at all.

"What's that?" As soon as I had spoken, I realized I had asked another question instead of just going with it. So did Sirius, of course.

"You know what I think? I think you've got this thing in your head where you subconsciously defy everything you're told," he remarked.

I automatically defended myself. "You're one to talk."

Sirius gave me a pointed look.

"Okay. I promise I won't ask anymore questions," I assured him, mentally willing myself to start thinking before I spoke.

"Come on," Sirius said, motioning to the gap in the rocks. Instantly, I wanted to ask what I would be entering, but I stopped myself.

_Trust him._

"I think it would be better not to go underground." I was careful to word my sentence so it wasn't a question.

"Where do you think this tunnel goes? Into the sky?" Sirius asked, an eyebrow raised in question.

"Well, I wouldn't know, would I? I haven't been allowed to ask questions."

He let out a chuckle and I noticed how his chest rumbled at the action. I forced my eyes away from him to the place he was asking me to enter. I couldn't rid myself of the uneasiness that came with not knowing what was ahead.

"V, I'm hardly going to put you in harms way, am I?" Sirius remarked, noticing my discomfort.

"I wouldn't blame you," I muttered, pushing myself to walk past him and into the unknown. Very soon, the texture underneath my feet changed from hard rock to what felt like wood. The little light there was vanished as Sirius extinguished his illuminating spell. This time, I wasn't covered in complete darkness. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I started to make out shapes. I realized there was some light coming from somewhere. My eyes focused on thin, dim light in the shape of a rectangle. I assumed a door was before me.

Again Sirius's wand lit up like a torch and illuminated the space we were in. It seemed to be some kind of large, quite well-organized tool shed. I looked inquisitively at my companion but he was already making his way to the door.

"Come here," Sirius called as he stood by the door. I frowned but complied, reminding myself to just trust him. As I went to stand by him, he put his hand on the door handle. The next thing I knew, he had extinguished the light emanating from his wand, causing me to breathe sharply in surprise.

"Thank you for the warning," I snapped, regretting my tone of voice immediately.

"You're very welcome," Sirius replied, unoffended, before pulling on the handle of the door. It opened to what appeared to be a path bordered by greenery, the moon's light illuminating it. As Sirius and I stepped outside, I realized we had jut exited some sort of maintenance hut. Sirius pulled the door shut.

To hell with his little rules.

"Right, I know you said no questions, but I don't like being kept in the dark, Sirius. As you well know, patience is not something I have in quantity," I said with frustration in my voice.

Sirius turned to me with an amused smirk. "I am very aware of that." He walked past me down the path. I turned but did not follow.

"Sirius!"

"Come on!" he cried in a sing-song voice, not breaking his pace.

With what felt like the hundredth exclamation of frustration, I resentfully followed him, becoming increasingly vexed.

"You have to be one of the most infuriating individuals I have ever come across," I informed him once at his side.

"Ha, look who's talking!"

I merely glared at him.

It took all but a minute before lights came into view. Almost thirty seconds after that, I had a very clear sight of what I assumed to be Hogsmeade.

Lamps lit what was clearly the main street, illuminating the dark path and revealing the thin fog swirling across the road. The shops that lined the road were closed up, their signs barely visible through the haze. Lights above the establishments alerted people to what lay within, but only one business was truly alive.

It was a broad building halfway down the road, every window illuminated with light and the sounds of merriment spilling out into the night. A few men stood grouped around the doors, smoke puffing from their lips and blending in with the fog. It was clearly a pub; the Three Broomsticks if I remembered correctly from Lily's description of the village.

"Now that we have so skillfully completed your task of getting to Hogsmeade, will you _please_ inform me of the next stage to your ingenious plan?" I asked with a hint of unintended mockery.

"You really have issues with not being in control, don't you?" Sirius said, somewhat amused.

"Yes," I admitted, "but that isn't a problem. The problem is that you have brought me here and you haven't breathed a word on how you plan on getting us to where we need to go." I was getting drastically irritated by now.

"Going to have to trust me, aren't you?" he said in that annoying sing-song voice. He took my hand and pulled me after him.

"Sirius! This is getting ridiculous. I'm seriously starting to loose my temper!" I hissed in a harsh voice as he pulled me closer and closer to the Three Broomsticks. Yet I had no choice but to be dragged along, for Sirius was much stronger than me.

"Well, it doesn't take a lot for that to happen, now does it, sweetheart," he said, but before I could reply, he had opened a gate beside the pub and pulled me in after him. I found myself in an alleyway no more than five meters long. A door was molded on the side of the building and two bins were located at the far end. Sirius closed the gate, trapping me in.

"Dragging me in to alleyways now, are we? You know, there's a word for men like you," I taunted with a tight jaw. I would not admit to being a control freak for I really didn't think I was, but I would admit that not being informed of what was happening infuriated me.

"Right now, I'm going to show you something. I don't want you to interrupt; I just want you to listen, okay?" Sirius told me, ignoring my prior comment completely.

"If you must," I said heavily, arms across my chest.

"Thank you. Now, you see that door there? It's a side entrance to the pub; or rather, it's used as the landlady Rosmerta's private entrance. Thankfully, it doesn't lead right into her section of the building, only to her staircase, but what it does lead to is a room that we need to get to. Now, even though this side of the building is away from the bar and we probably won't even see anyone, there's a chance that someone might see us. So I brought this."

Sirius reached into his jacket and pulled out a cloak. How the hell did he fit a cloak in there without me noticing?! I needed to start paying more attention. At first, I merely frowned at such an odd thing. But as I saw it shimmer in the moon's soft glow, I could tell there was something different about this cloak.

"It's an invisibility cloak. Once inside, we need to put it on in case someone sees us," Sirius finished.

To say I was confused was bit of an understatement. "Sirius, how on earth did you get hold of an invisibility cloak?" I asked him, looking away from the fabric. They were very rare. In fact, I don't think I had ever come across an invisibility cloak, and keep in mind I was raised by pureblood elite.

"I borrowed it," Sirius said, his voice tainted by the laughter floating to us on the air from the men outside the pub.

"From whom?" He better had not stolen it...

"James," he replied simply.

"James. How did James get this?"

"Family heirloom. Now, if you've finished--"

"No," I insisted, "I'm very curious as to how we are going to get in this door for I'm pretty sure Rosmerta will have locked it. Then, of course, I am extremely confused as to why we have to get in there in the first place. What room are you talking about?" I asked him, looking at the shadows that outlined his jaw.

"Will you stop worrying?" he chastised, refusing to elaborate as he walked to the door.

I felt like hitting him. "Sirius, what room are you talking about?!" I demanded, but he ignored me again, instead pointing his wand at the lock of the door and uttering countless spells to it.

"You'll find out in a minute, won't you," Sirius said simply at the exact same moment that the door swung open with a slight creak. I sighed, silently and unexplainably irritated with the fact that he had just unlocked the door.

"Do you know, I think you're probably the single most irritating person I have ever had the displeasure to come across," I said, glaring.

He wasn't fazed at all. In fact, he merely shrugged. "Have a go all you like. We both know all of your aggression towards me is just pent up sexual tension."

My glare slipped away and my eyebrow rose at his comment. "Come again?" I asked slowly.

"Don't worry, it's okay to want me," Sirius said, smirking.

I took a few steps closer to him, giving a disbelieving noise. "Want you. You think I want you?!" I asked, mild humor in my tone. The door he had previously opened was forgotten now.

"I know you do," he replied, his smirk not faltering for a second.

"Want you," I mused to myself. "And what is it that you think I _want, _Sirius?" I asked, a teasing quality to my voice now.

Sirius's smirk broadened to a grin. "Would you like me to draw you a diagram?" he asked.

I realized that at some point I had come closer to him. There was a moment in which I just stared at him, before I replied in all innocence, "I would love a diagram." His eyes danced with mirth. "Or rather, you could just explain it to me," I said simply.

"I'll tell you what, you admit it and I'll give you a blow by blow account."

"Admit what?"

"That you want me." Sirius said lightly.

"Sirius, if I wanted you like you so claim, I would have done something about it by now," I said, seeing all the emotions in his eyes clearly due to our proximity.

"Oh, and kissing me twice doesn't count then, I suppose?"

"Excuse me, but I wasn't the one that initiated such a thing. If I recall correctly, it was _you _that kissed _me _twice and on both occasions I pushed you away," I pointed out.

"Yes, but you fail to mention that you did, in fact, kiss me back. Quite willingly, if I recall correctly. Actually, _I _was the one that pulled away the second—"

His words were cut off by noises from the behind the door. I wasn't too sure how it happened, for it seemed Sirius was much quicker than me, but he somehow got us both underneath the cloak and inside the building just as a curvy woman of no more than twenty came to shut the door.

Sirius had me pinned against the wall, his eyes telling me to keep quiet as the woman went back to what I presumed to be the bar, tsking and tutting all the way. When she had gone and shut the door behind her, Sirius pulled away from me, taking the cloak off.

I was in a sort of momentary shock at how quickly that had happened and also to the fact that I hadn't reacted at all. I knew that if I had been on my own, I would have heard her coming a mile off and reacted quickly. But it seemed I had kind of handed control over to Sirius, so to speak, and in doing so, I wasn't being very alert.

This is what I had talked about when I said it was good to depend on yourself. When you start depending on other people for safety, things become complicated. Luckily for me, I had handed control over to someone who was more than capable. If I hadn't, we would have been in quite a bit of trouble.

"See what happens when you distract me," Sirius said in an irritated manner, but I ignored him. He reopened the door and we stepped inside. I looked around at a short corridor, well, more of a foyer actually. It had a sandstone floor with wallpapered walls and contained a two wall lamps, three doors and staircase which I assumed led to the landlady's rooms. The smell of smoke and alcohol plus various noises led me to believe quite confidently that the door closest to us led to the bar.

"What now?" I asked Sirius, turning to him. I had no idea what it was he was planning to do from here on in.

_Not that you had been so well informed of what we had previously done._

Sirius said nothing but again took my hand, leading me to the door on the far side of the corridor. He needed no wand to open the large wooden door and once he had, he yet again pulled me inside with him. He shut the door behind us and I scanned the small cream-colored room to see all it contained were two small dusty windows framing each side of a very large fireplace. It was taller than a man and took up pretty much the entire far wall. As my eyes spotted a pot on its stone mantel, I knew what it was Sirius was planning.

"We're going to use the Floo network," I stated.

"Well, it's the safest way to get there," he explained.

"True, but why is there a room solely dedicated to it? I mean, couldn't they have put it to better use?"

"It's for people who have had a bit too much to drink and aren't fit to be Apparating, so she moved the Floo network from upstairs to here," Sirius said.

I nodded in an almost numb way. I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt rather uneasy.

"V? You alright?" he asked, noticing there was something wrong.

I didn't really hear him properly. It was almost as though... I didn't want to say it all hit me at once, for that wasn't it. It was almost like a wall building itself, actually. I was realizing what it was I was doing, what it was I had asked Sirius to do for me. But the biggest thing that was so new to me was that it was almost as though I was having a flashback. My mind snapped to the vivid scene of when I was eleven years old, having only just lost my brother. I recalled the sensation of the Floo powder in my hand. I remembered everything, the way my face felt stiff from the tears I had just cried, the way my chest ached from the fear and grief I had so recently experienced. I could even recall the suffocating dust that clouded the room where I had hidden under the desk. All the emotions I had felt six years ago came back in a painful echo and the enormity of what it was I was actually doing came to my conscience.

I wasn't ready to do this. I wasn't ready to see Paris again, for to see him would make it all real. It sounded ludicrous, for it wasn't as though I didn't know the reality of the situation, but in terms of Paris, I had always tried to block out what happened that day. It wasn't something I wanted to relive again.

Once I had gone to St. Mungo's, there would be no going back. No drama to hide behind. I wouldn't be able to run from it. It meant that I would truly have to accept my brother would never return to me and that I would never see him again. For though his body remained, he was no longer in it. In all important aspects, he was dead.

I wasn't going to be able to take that. I didn't want to feel the pain I knew seeing Paris would bring.

"I don't want to do this," I whispered in a breathless hush.

"What?"

"I don't want to do this!" I repeated, working hard to control my breathing and facing away from the fireplace. I felt panicked at my own thoughts.

"V, you--"

"Yes, Sirius, I know. But I've changed my mind. I want to go back to the castle. If it's your answers your worried about then don't be, you can have them. I just don't want to do this anymore," I said, hurriedly pulling on the handle of the door but as it opened a sliver Sirius pushed it shut again. I looked at him.

"There is a reason you wanted to do this," he said, partly to himself. He glanced between my eyes as though looking for something.

"Yes, but I don't want to do it anymore," I repeated, my voice actually breaking a bit this time as my throat became even tighter with anguish.

He let out a deep sigh, not breaking eye contact with me for a moment. His eyes portrayed an immense emotion to mine, and he held out his hand.

"Do you trust me?"

My breath caught in my throat. I knew I had answered yes to this question before, but this time, it was... different. It seemed that whatever answer I gave would drastically change our relationship.

If I said no, what little trust Sirius had in me would immediately dissipate. I hated admitting being even minimally dependent on someone, I really didn't want to lose the comfort of knowing Sirius was there if and when I needed him.

On the other hand, if I said yes, our relationship would deepen to a new level. I honestly did not quite know how I would feel about this. I already had trouble letting Sirius get this near to me. What would it be like if I let him see me in even closer proximity?

I closed my eyes and whispered a "yes", making my decision final. I did trust him and whether I admitted it to myself or not, I relied on him in a twisted way. I knew I couldn't do this without him.

Sirius took my hand, and the strength passed through it to me solidified my belief that my answer had been the better choice.

Before I could take another breathe, it had all been robbed from me as the room span in a whirl of color and I was compressed to the size of a small box, the only thing I really felt was his hand in mine.

When I could breathe again, I found myself in a very different place.

**So what are we thinking? Loving it? Hating it? Really just not caring anymore? **

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**Review xxxxx**


	24. Undone

**Hope you like it :) **

Our bodies had stopped spinning, but my head hadn't. It was swirling like a whirlpool as my eyes took in the rows of rickety chairs, their occupants filling the large room with noises that seemed too loud and were unwelcome to my ears. A man dressed in lime green robes flashed by like a beacon. It was clear where we were.

It was odd, or maybe not, but even though I was very aware of the conversation Sirius and I had just held, very aware of what I had asked of him and of course very aware of what I had allowed, my emotions were in dire conflict with my sensibility.

I wasn't very sure of what it was that was going on with me. The best way to explain how I felt was like a wheel on a game show, spinning to determine my prize. Only instead of the spindle deciding a prize, it decided my emotion. A wheel was spinning, whirling them altogether in a blur. As it slowed, I could feel the more prominent emotions come out, some slipping away again as the spindle passed them, coming to a halt as my state of mind was settled for me. Once chosen, the emotion would cement itself so deeply that I couldn't uproot it. Smother it with a veil of indifference, perhaps, but never extinguish its flame.

But the wheel wasn't stopping. It was swirling faster and faster. The only way I could describe my feelings was to use the word overwhelmed. And perhaps you may have established that I don't do well with being overwhelmed.

I didn't want to be here. I really, really didn't. And yet, he had still brought me. In fact, I had actually allowed him to. My eyes found his and it was visible to me that he was also torn about the validity of his choice.

The wheel had spun so fast and so brutally that I couldn't even call it a wheel anymore. It had spiraled so far out of my control that it was like a humongous ball of emotion. It swirled quicker than my mind could work. Emotions spat out of it like lightening, burning me internally.

It was more than I could bear.

By being where I was, by standing next to him, I was allowing Sirius to completely smother any control I had, wasn't I? Allowing him to shred apart everything I was. In desperation, I snapped my eyes from his to reign myself back in. I passed by him in hope of being able to somehow breathe again once leaving his suffocating presence.

"V!" I heard him call with a sigh in his breath. "Veronica!" he repeated louder as the distance between us grew, but his words rebounded off my ears, not entering my conscious fully. He was supposed to make it better, but he was just making it hurt more. My dazed eyes came in contact with a door and I pushed it blindly, entering a chaotic corridor.

There was a feeling of hysteria in the air, but all I could feel was the suffocating whirling of the ragingly overbearing ball inside me. My eyes caught a staircase and in a blur I was ascending it, passing people on the way, but not sparing them a thought as I blindly tried to escape my own feelings. My feet kept taking the steps before me and led me to a door on one of the landings. With some difficulty, I somehow maneuvered myself through it, for my hands to obey my orders. I was even finding it difficult to breathe. Though I was out of _his _presence, there was a tight feeling in my chest as well.

You must know by now how illogically erratic I can be, but when it got to this scale... I hated it so much. I had always had fluctuating control when it came to myself, but these recent months had put me in a spiral where I had started to plummet deeply and terrifyingly quickly. I just didn't know how to do it anymore.

I took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling forcefully. My eyes rested on a sign that read "Waiting room". Without a thought, and again commanding movement from my upper limbs, I walked over to the room. It was empty and I slowly sat down on one of the slightly padded benches that lined the walls.

I believe everyone, at some point in their life, will experience the feeling. The one where you feel so many emotions you don't know where to start. No matter how hard you try to fight, you're trapped. All you can do is wait it out. It's hell, but there really isn't another choice. If you fight it, you make it worse.

All I could do was focus on controlling my breathing as the torment inside me grew weaker. Usually it wasn't this bad, but taking into account the night I was having, it wasn't much of a shock that I wasn't in a stable, secure and controlled state of mind.

My eyes had closed to stop the tears from flowing and as the storm calmed, a soothing numbness took its place, clearing my thoughts.

I shouldn't have come here. I shouldn't have asked for _his_ help. I should never have taken _his_ hand and I should never have let it get this far.

I took a sigh and my breathing shook. I was just begging for it to stop now, I was so sick of feeling so incredibly out of control.

Just as it all started to die down properly, _he_ opened the door. The person in question was hardly surprising.

"I've been looking for you everywhere," Sirius said, breathing a sigh of relief as his eyes came to rest on me. I was feeling numb again and I really had no idea just how long I had been in the waiting room.

"It isn't so easy without a map, is it?" I replied in a quiet voice, refusing to meet his gaze. A sigh left his lips as I saw him take the seat opposite me from the corner of my eye.

There was a brief moment of silence as I felt his eyes take me in. "Are you going to tell me what made you run off like that?" he asked me gently. His voice alone was again wrapping me in something, and I didn't know if I liked it.

I didn't reply. Again he sighed, but this time there was a frustration in it. I knew he was about to speak, but when he did, he used a tone that I wasn't anticipating. It was soft and there was this underlining tinge of desperation that other people may have not detected. "Stop fighting me, V."

"Do I look like I have any more fight in me, Sirius?" I asked, finally meeting his eyes and speaking with hollow humor. His stormy eyes bore into mine from across the small room. It seemed an age before he finally spoke again.

"I just don't know what you're thinking anymore," he confessed in a breathless whisper. "I've not a clue of what goes on in that head of yours."

I smiled very softly. "Neither do I." My smile quickly flitted away. It had happened yet again: we had gone from one extreme to another. "I say one thing, I mean another. I feel one thing, but then a second later I'm the polar opposite. I'm not even thinking clearly anymore."

Sirius's eyes were swirling softly. He looked at me in a way I don't even know how to describe. "Why won't you let me in, V?"

"How can I let you in when I don't know where the door is?" I whispered back quietly, pulling my knees up to meet my chest. I looked at him to see that his eyes never left me. I took note of how he looked at me: slightly disbelievingly.

"How do you do it?" he asked with a gentle smile. "Go from this defiant, enigmatic ice queen to looking so breakable I'm worried about letting you leave the room?"

"Practice," I joked gently. "Who knows, all I know is that it's exhausting and that in two minutes I'll probably be biting your head off again."

Sirius laughed gently. "You're hard to keep up with."

"Tell me about it," I agreed.

Sirius again gave me that look and remarked in a husky voice. "I used to know you inside and out. Every quirk and every fault." His eyes had lost their humor now and again they had grown intense, refusing me permission to look away. "It's not supposed to be like this between us."

"What is it supposed to be like, Sirius?" I asked quietly.

"I don't know," he replied, scrutinizing me like he was trying to work out a puzzle. "I know what I want," he whispered, "and I know what I can get. You know, I don't think you've changed. Not really. You're still you, I can see that now," he said with a slight nod to his head.

"Then why do we keep talking about how I am?" I asked, my voice still quieter than normal.

"Because..." He straightened up in his chair and spoke in a way that appeared simple but I heard underlying tones. "I'm on the outside now."

"What do you mean?" I asked, frowning slightly from confusion.

"Well, you won't let me in behind your walls, will you? I'm not used to seeing you from this angle. It's uncomfortable and unfamiliar to see you from this point of view. You see, even when we were kids, you had these walls of yours. But you always kept me inside them with you," he said with an unwelcome sadness hinting his voice.

"That was then, Sirius," I whispered. "It's been a long time."

"I know," he agreed softly, with the sadness lingering in his eyes, "and I get that. I get that things have happened. We grew up. Our situations changed and... well, we grew apart, didn't we? Its hard though, V. It's hard to just let you go," he confessed, finally being completely honest with me.

"Of course it is. But you need to understand, Sirius. We aren't as we were anymore and in doing all of this... we're just making it all harder," I replied, again in a whisper. His entrancing eyes didn't break contact with mine for a second, and he looked at me for a moment like he was delving deep into my thoughts.

"It's not that simple though, is it, V? Because I want you to let me inside again."

I should have known better than to think he was really going to let it go so easily. I took a breath and clutched at what little strength I still possessed.

"There's no place for you in my life now." The words burned my throat and each letter made my chest tighten unpleasantly.

"I'll make one," he argued.

"You're clinging to the past and you're trying to drag it to the present. But you can't. We'll never be what we were. We've drifted too far apart. I'm not blaming anyone. It just happened."

"I don't want to be what we were, V, I want something else. You know I do." The implication was in his words, but the meaning was in his eyes, swirling like a storm.

"We can't always get what we want, Sirius."

"I'm not willing to just give up," he said in a firm voice.

I glared at him. "This is all because you can't damn well let go of things. You're so damn stubborn," I seethed.

"No, that's not it," Sirius insisted calmly.

"Then why?!" I snapped, my frustration revealing itself. "Why won't you just leave me alone, Sirius?! Why are you putting me through this?!"

"You know why." He didn't shout or snap it. He just stated it, leaving a blaring silence as he looked at me. It was a moment before either of us spoke.

"Now you can either face up to this or _you _can keep putting us through this," Sirius said firmly. I didn't speak; I just looked at him, feeling inner conflict that only he created. When I didn't reply, his voice spoke again.

"You can't keep running from me, V," Sirius said with a whisper in his voice and a beseeching look in his eye. He had said this before. I was beginning to understand it.

"Yes, I can," I challenged, speaking somewhat to myself in the process.

"I'll catch up with you eventually."

"I'll outrun you."

"You know you can't do that," Sirius insisted forcefully.

"Maybe not, but I can give it a damn good try," I defiantly countered.

"For God's sake, when are you going to stop trying to get away from this?!" Sirius growled, finally loosing patience.

"When you leave me alone."

"Oh, I've tried that." Bitterness stained his tone.

"Try harder," I persisted.

"Trust me, there was no lack in effort," Sirius spoke darkly.

"Well, then stop trying! Just go away and be done with it," I snapped with a childish immaturity that had cropped up out of nowhere.

Sirius barked a laugh. Yeah, he fucking laughed! "We're in London and you want me to go away? Bit of a flaw there, V?"

"I don't see one. I'll find my own way back."

"Oh yeah? How you gonna do that?" he asked, quirking his eyebrow in taunting curiosity.

"I'm sure I'll find a way." I said dismissively

"I'm afraid I can't just leave you here."

"I don't even want to be here! You brought me here against my will!" I snapped hatefully.

"Against your..." He looked at me disbelieving until he started to glare. "I brought you here because I knew you'd regret it if you turned back. I asked if you trusted me, and by taking my hand, I thought you did." He spoke through gritted teeth.

"You brought me here purely because you wanted to satiate your own curiosity. Don't you dare act like this was for my benefit. If it was, you would never have agreed to leave the castle with me after..." I trailed off, not really wanting to confirm my previous emotional turmoil.

"My God, I really can't do anything right with you, can I?" Sirius said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Well, you could have tried listening to me months ago and leaving me alone, then none of this would be happening!"

"Here we go, blame me."

"Like it isn't your fault?! If you had just backed off like I'd told you to, we'd both be fine," I insisted with confidence.

"Yeah, you tell yourself that," he muttered darkly.

"It's the truth. You've been breaking me down for months. Following me around and staring at me, then popping up all over the place to mess with my head even more!"

"Fine, you play Miss Innocent."

"I don't claim to be innocent, but it's not like you're helping, Sirius. You've pushed me over the edge."

"You know what, if I have, then it's because I'm a damn wake up call, aren't I?! I show you what a lie your life is and you can't bear it," he growled.

"I can't believe you have the temerity to comment on things you know nothing about," I seethed.

"Know nothing about?! A few hours ago, you were having a complete breakdown in my arms. You claim I know nothing about it?!" he cried incredulously.

"You were only there because, as usual, you were probably watching me on that godforsaken map of yours. Then you decided yet again to push yourself into matters that don't concern you. My God, you really have no capacity for restraint, do you?!"

Suddenly, we were both standing. I knew something I had said had hit a nerve, for he glared at me with fire in his eyes.

"Anything else you'd like to add?" he asked heatedly.

Before I could answer, the door opened and a man in his mid thirties walked in, hesitantly glancing between us. "Is everything all right in here?" he asked cautiously. I turned from him, breathing heavily and realizing I wasn't even that angry. What the hell was wrong with me?!

"We're fine," Sirius replied irritably.

"Are you sure, you sounded---"

"We're fine, thank you." Sirius interrupted firmly, but more calm this time.

With a last glance at me, the man retreated from the room. As he exited, I looked at Sirius, feeling no hostility at all. I was extremely shocked and confused as to where all of that emotion had come from. I sat back down, only this time curling in the corner with a frown. Sirius followed suit, but instead of returning to his previous position, he came and sat near me. A silence fell over us as he ran his hands through his hair a few times.

"Why do we keep arguing all the time?" he questioned, leaning on his knees.

"Because I'm a hostile bitch who keeps taking her issues out on you and you're just defending yourself," I replied heavily.

He gave a small laugh. "You're not a hostile bitch." He leaned his head back on the bench.

"I am, Sirius," I replied with a small smile.

"No, you're not. You're just... temperamental," he insisted, making me give a very light laugh.

"I suppose that's one way to put it," I said, my voice gentle. I felt more secure now. I was curled in a corner, which I liked. It made me feel less exposed. Sirius was also a lot closer to me now and... well, it seemed to be helping.

He looked at me for a moment with that look in his eyes again, but of course, as always, he spoke through it.

"So are you going to tell me why it is you wanted to come here, then?" His words rang through me with an echo. My stomach suddenly felt heavy and nervousness washed over me. It wasn't that I had forgotten, it was more... that I realized now was probably the only suitable time to have this conversation, before I got angry again or before we started another pointless argument.

I took a deep breath through my nose and I looked at my raised knees as I felt his eyes on my face. "I wanted to visit someone," I said, my heart tightening now.

"Visit someone? Whom do you want to visit?" Sirius asked, and I knew he was frowning but didn't look. I opened my mouth to speak but closed it again when I found no air in my lungs. Once said, this couldn't be unsaid. I'd promised him, though, hadn't I? And to be honest, it wasn't even a moral thing. I just didn't know if I was able to keep lying to Sirius. It had become so hard.

"Paris." The word escaped me before I could chase it back and as it fell in a whisper from my lips, I felt him stiffen. A breath left me. It was a breath of relief, of dread, of indecision, and most of all a breath of such intense emotion it was as though this one breath drained me.

"Paris?" His voice was ringing out into a dense silence that seemed to have somehow surrounded us. Every time no one spoke, it seemed magnified. I nodded.

"I thought Paris ran away years ago? No one knew where he went," Sirius said, still frowning.

I still couldn't believe I was doing this. Not ten minutes before, we had been screaming at each other. Now, I was telling him... this. "Is that what your father told you? That no one knew where he was?"

"Yeah. He ran away and your father couldn't find him." Sirius was speaking in a voice that knew something was wrong.

I sunk back further into the chair and continued to stare at my raised knees, not really seeing them. "He never ran away, Sirius. He tried to, yes, but he never made it out the front door," I admitted quietly. "He's been here for the past six years." Those last words slid off my tongue like sand paper.

"Six years?" Sirius repeated, increasingly worried.

I didn't really know where to start, but I swallowed thickly and tried. "Do you remember that week before we both went to school? We were supposed to see each other to say goodbye, but I couldn't come because I got ill?" I asked, looking at him now.

"Yeah."

"I wasn't ill. My father, he didn't want me to leave the house. He thought it was too soon. He feared I'd tell someone. You." A hollow smile ghosted across my lips for a moment. "I would have told you," I confessed.

"Told me what?"

"About Paris. About what happened," I whispered. I breathed out. "I don't know how to say it. I don't even know where to start." I said with a heavy breathe.

"Just say it, V," Sirius said gently and he took my hand. I looked down at our entwined fingers before taking a deep breath and forcing myself to just speak. I was trying very hard to fight off the questions in my head.

"They had this argument. Father and Paris, I mean. It got really heated. You know how Paris hated how my father felt about the whole purity thing? One day, he said he was going to leave. I was on the landing, the one just above the entrance hall, where we used to spy on people. I was watching them. I hadn't ever seen my father like that. He wasn't yelling, but he was... I could tell he was angry," I whispered, my eyes transfixed on the hand that held mine, but not really seeing it.

"They carried on for ages, arguing. But then... they drew their wands. Father overthrew Paris in seconds," I couldn't think of how to phrase the next bit, so I decided to just be blunt and say it. "He tortured him," I said shortly. "I don't even know why. It wasn't as though he was gaining anything from it. If he'd killed him then... but Father tortured him, over and over again. I was watching it and I expected him to stop. Every time he hit Paris with another curse, I thought that would be the last one but it wasn't... he just kept going and going." My voice was barely audible. "Eventually, I couldn't take anymore. I remember running away from it, trying to get somewhere so I couldn't hear him scream."

There was a moment where I lost myself. Where I was running away down the hall again, his haunting screams following me. It was a sound I knew I'd never forget. I gave a ragged breath, drawing myself away from that time. It wasn't even that hard. I'd done it enough times before.

"I didn't find out for a while what Father had done... you know, after he... stopped. He kept Paris somewhere. I don't know where, but Father wanted to see what he was like when he woke up. When he did.... he didn't even remember his own name. He could barely speak, apparently. He, or rather they, the people my father had arranged to deal with it, left him in the middle of London," I whispered.

It was something that I had always felt severely sickened by. The truth was that since I had told Albus what had happened, someone picked him up and had taken him to St. Mungo's, but I wasn't going to tell Sirius that part.

"By that time, anyone who saw him would think he was traumatized. There were no traces that he had been inflicted with any kind of magical damage. Believe it or not, it was actually a wizard that found him. And again, by pure luck, he saw him perform magic. Because Paris couldn't control it anymore. It just spiraled out of control especially when he was scared." I paused for a moment before continuing, "They brought him here, but they couldn't help him. They didn't know who he was, but they knew he was a wizard and that he couldn't control his magic, so they had to keep him here.

"My father didn't know he was here at first. Why should he? No one knew Paris' name and he barely looked like he did after what had happened. The ministry tried to put out a missing person thing: 'do you know this man.' But that was when my father found out. At the time, the editor of the Prophet was a man named Broderick Prewett. A man my father knew very well. I'm not sure exactly how he stopped Paris' picture from making it into the papers, but he did. Paris has been here ever since. Though God knows how I'm going to find him. He'll be in a locked ward. I don't know what his name is now, and even if I did, I hardly think they'd just let me wander in there and chat with someone probably prone to fits. I don't even know if I'd recognize him. It's been six years."

There was a moment of silence. I looked up at him to see him staring at our hands exactly I had been the entire time. The emotions on his face were unreadable. I felt this knot in my stomach but I also felt this… relief wouldn't be the correct word, but he knew now and… I could never take that away.

Minutes passed. His gaze never faltered, until it suddenly hit mine and he said something I wasn't expecting. But what was I expecting? I tell him about Paris and what, he starts chatting about Quidditch? No.

"I remember that week before we went to school. My dad came in, but he didn't tell me you were ill. He said that Paris had run away and that you were really upset. He said you weren't talking to anyone and you wouldn't leave your room. You know, I almost cried because I wanted to see you so much and the fact that you were upset made it so much worse. Because I knew how much he meant to you and I knew you were probably tucked up in your bed with the covers over your head and clinging on to George."

I gave a very small smile. "My purple hippo." There was a lump in my throat that wasn't there when I was speaking but the second Sirius started talking, I felt like breaking down again.

"Yeah." His jaw grew tighter as his gaze again dropped to our intertwined hands. "It must have been… horrible. To have seen that." He breathed and his words alone were making my eyes blur as they brimmed with hot tears. I kept my jaw tight as I tried to hold them off. Sirius continued, "I threw a complete fit, you know. Demanded my dad take me to you. He kept saying you didn't want to see anyone but I knew you'd see me. You'd never refused to see me. Not once."

"I wouldn't have." I whispered, swallowing thickly, trying to control it all. "I wanted to see you so much." I choked a little bit and before I could stop them, two tears escaped my eyes. "Even if it was just to say goodbye," I whispered, and more tears started to fall. I remember knowing even at just that young age, that by the time I saw Sirius again, things would be very different.

His eyes met mine and he brushed the tears off my cheeks. I breathed in deeply, trying to stop them. His hand lingered on my face and unconsciously I leant into it.

"That's why you won't leave," he whispered more to himself. "You think he'll do the same to you." This realization horrified him. I could see in his eyes that he now knew what trapped me at home.

"I know he will," I breathed, taking another deep breath and wiping away my tears. I made myself take control again. I couldn't succumb to it anymore. Another silence fell and I didn't meet his eyes this time as I tried to keep myself in check.

"Why do you want to see him?" Sirius asked me gently.

"Because the last time I saw him, Sirius, he was screaming on the ground, being tortured by my father. That's the image I've had in my head for the past six years when I think of my brother. I know that by seeing him, I might see something even worse but… I need some kind of closure. I need to see for myself that he's completely gone. That he isn't coming back." My voice continued to have a hush to it.

Sirius looked at me as though he wanted to say something but wasn't sure how I'd take it. "Why didn't you tell anyone?" he asked eventually, very confused.

_I did._

"Even then, Sirius, I knew the connections my father had and I knew that whatever I told anyone, my father would find a way out of it. And when he did… well, who do you think he was going to blame?" I asked rhetorically.

Again Sirius didn't speak for a while. I wasn't surprised; after all, this was a lot to take in.

"What about your mother? Surely she must have known something?"

I gave a very cold, hollow laugh that didn't suit me. "She watched, Sirius." I was shocked Sirius actually thought she might have done something to prevent it. Clearly, his memory wasn't very good when it came to her.

"Watched? As in, she just stood there?" Sirius asked me in a horrified voice.

"Yep," I replied darkly. With my father, there was a pain attached to it. An upsetting, emotional anguish. But with her... I just hated her. Purely and simply hated her.

"But what about your brothers? Tudor and Troy, I mean?"

I looked at Sirius with a slight frown to my lips. I stared at him for a moment whilst in thought before shaking my head slightly as I spoke. "Well, I've never really struck up a conversation about it, but…" I pondered my answer, "…I think Tudor must know. I'm pretty sure he does."

"Then Troy must know."

"Not necessarily. I don't actually think they were in the house when it happened so…they didn't hear it. They certainly weren't in the room and I'm very confident that my father didn't tell them the truth." I said in thought. It was something I'd thought about quite a few times but naturally I'd never brought it up.

"So how do you think Tudor knows, then?" Sirius asked, confused.

I took a heavy breath again. "I'm not sure, but… I mean, he doesn't say anything, but I can kind of… I don't know how to explain it to you, but I just kind of know that he knows what happened." It sounded stupid, but there were these moments in which I could just tell that he knew.

"Well, if he knows then Troy must." Sirius assumed that being as intimate as they were implied that they might actually speak every now and then.

"No. Tudor knows things about Troy, but when it comes to Tudor… to be honest, I think Troy is as clueless as I am. Tudor wouldn't have told him if he thought he wasn't necessary." I sighed. "It doesn't matter anyway. Whether or not they know doesn't mean anything. Tudor would never question my father's choice and Troy… well, you may recall it's not in his nature to care about anyone," I said with a slight heat to my tone.

Sirius didn't reply. Instead, he just looked down at our still intertwined hands and stared thoughtfully. I really wanted to know what was running through his head.

"It explains a lot, you know," he said very quietly.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"Right, well, I'm probably not being much use right now, but I'm in shock," he justified matter-of-factly.

I smiled a little bit. "It's okay. I mean, what can you say, right?"

He nodded, then looked up into my eyes. "But I want to talk to you… I mean properly, V. When my heads has actually taken this in, I want to talk about it."

He was asking me if he could. I also knew it wasn't Paris he wanted to talk about. We were going discuss my current problem: I can't leave home for obvious reasons and I can't go home, again, obvious reasons.

I nodded.

_Why did I nod?! _

"Okay," Sirius took a deep breath, "so. Do you still want to see him?"

**I'm kind of worried I pushed it through to quick but…well you know. My brilliant Beta mentioned that I should probably bring up some action soon and considering she's pretty much become my new little life line, I'm going to take her advice and put in a little bit of …I don't know yet but something dramatic :)**

**I really hope this chapter was okay.**

**Review xxxxx**


	25. The Penny Finally Drops

**I can't actually apologize enough for how long this has taken. It's ridiculous and unacceptable. I don't want to bore you with the sympathy vote so I wont go on and on but I think I need to say before you read this that a lot of stuff has gone on with me in recent months and at the moment I'm not in the best place to be writing at all. On quite a few occasions I've considered putting in this on hold but I'm so eager to carry on this story that I couldn't bring myself to do it.**

**Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm worried this chapter isn't very good as a result of where I'm at right now. I know it's pretty pathetic of me to ask but please bear that in mind when you read it.**

**Oh and to make things even better I can't get hold of my Beta so this chapter is unedited…talk about bigging myself up eh? **

**Any way's I'll shut up now and let you actually read it :)**

My gaze was locked on him for a few moments, my mind processing the question he asked, it was hardly a fluent sentence but…a profound silence seemed to follow it. For the second time that night I knew my decision, my answer, would cause effect.

My eyes eventually dropped down to my lap and I became oddly aware of every single breathe I took. Why didn't I know what I wanted? Why was I struggling when hadn't I already made the choice to be here? To do this?

Yes. Yes I had but being there, sat there in knowledge of the brother I hadn't seen since I was a child was in the same building as me, the brother I thought I would never see again…everything became more imminent. Important if you will and now I wasn't so sure what was for the best.

Air was forced into my lungs as my mouth opened to speak but I couldn't manage the words. I dint know my answer but then my eyes found Sirius and I spoke with honestly.

"I don't know if I want to do this." I breathed like I had wanted to say it for some time. A look went through his eyes that I recognized from previous sighting but still for the life of me there was no way to truly describe it or for me to understand it. Sirius's eyes never left mine as he hosted the look I didn't know but like it had done before, it cleared almost like a mist would, leaving only wisping echo's that lingered now in the contemplating surface that now inhabited his dark grey eyes.

"Why don't we first find out where he actually is?" Sirius suggested in a tone that told me he's made a decision even though he asked it like a question.

"How do you suggest we find that out considering I don't even know his name now?" I asked him in a desolate tone. He paused for a moment looking at me.

"I'll tell you what. If you promise me that you'll stay put in this room, I'll go find out where he is." He said this like he reaching some kind of compromise. I looked on inc complete disbelief.

"You think you'll be able to find out where he is?" I challenged negatively.

"V if he's in this hospital, then I _know _I'll be able to find out where is." Sirius stated. I felt the oddest thing as he said that. Considering where I was and what I was doing, an emotion like the one his attitude enticed was severely misplaced. He wasn't being arrogant, he was being cocky even but …. I liked the way he say it, I liked the way he looked when he said it and I knew that was messed up considering what it was we were discussing.

I still wasn't making much sense to _myself_ at this point.

"Right okay." I said firmly. "So what your saying is that you want me to stay here why you go off and _find out _where he is?"

"If you promise to stay here and not have another one of your mood swings and decide to wander off then yes." Sirius confirmed.

"Why do you want me to stay here?" I asked finding that I wasn't really warming to the idea of being on my own.

"Because I think I'll be able to get it quicker myself and I'm sure you don't want to be here for longer than necessary. Also, I thought you might want to calm down a bit?"

"Wait what exactly is it you'll be able to get quicker yourself?" I questioned.

Sirius looked at me and gave a small smile "My god you really never stop with the questions do you?" He said softly.

"I just like to know what's going on?" I defended and it felt like a replay of the conversation we had earlier.

"Yes well I would explain it all to you but as I said, it would be so much quicker if I just went and got it done so…"

"But…"

"You said you trusted me." Sirius said firmly. I sighed.

"I do." I whispered.

"Then you'll do what I say and stay here." Immediately I wanted to ask a number of things. Where are you going? How on earth do you plan on finding out where my brother is? Can't we just leave now? However he didn't want questions. I knew what he wanted was for me to just trust him and considering what he'd done for me so far I thought the least I could give was that.

"Okay. Fine I'll wait here." I said trying very hard not to let the questions roll of my tongue.

Sirius smiled and I was surprised at the warmth in his eyes when he did so. He wasn't usually one for _warm _smiles.

"Just try and get your head straight if you can yeah? I'll be as quick as I can." He tried to ease me and after yet another pause I nodded, my teeth taking hold of my lips as hesitation came to me. With one last calming smile he got back up and just as he pulled open the door I decided to speak

"Sirius?" I said finding my voice. When he turned and I was once again struck with his eyes I found my words leave me again so after yet another moment of me just staring at him like a pathetically vulnerable child I said one of the most cliché things I could have ever said and yet I spoke with utter sincerity "Thank you."

He looked at me and I knew the thought's that went through his head at my predicted and unoriginal statement of gratitude. So it came a shock to me when instead of the awkwardness I had guessed would ensue he instead spoke in a tone that again, I had not anticipated. "You never need to say thank you V." He said and after he spoke I saw something else in his eyes that wasn't so calming. It wasn't unsettling or anything, in fact had I been in the right way I may have found it soothing but at that moment in time it made me feel…intense. Daunted. It consumed my lungs for a moment as for the hundredth time that night a blaring silence befell us.

To my complete shock he was the one that broke it. "Promise me you'll stay here V." He commanded firmly and I nodded wondering why he kept asking me to do the same thing. He gave me one last look before he left me and I tried desperately not to let the silence he left in his wake suffocate me.

_45 minute later…_

My eyes looked over the door for what felt like the thousandth time. What was taking him so long? What was he doing? I wished I ignored my desire to give him what he wanted earlier and just asked what it was he was planning on doing. At least that way I wouldn't be so nervous and be in such suspense wondering what was going on.

_Another hour later…_

Okay I was really, really fucking worried now. I was on my feet at this point having already read and re read nearly every single pamphlet the bloody waiting room had to offer. I was pacing not taking my eyes off of the door.

Why the hell did I promise to stay in here? I was beginning to feel claustrophobic and the sound of the clock was making me want to hit something.

Waiting, in any circumstance was unbearable but to wait for and hour and forty five minutes in a tiny, stale smelling waiting room in anticipation for someone to come and tell you the location of your long lost brother? I was going out of my fucking mind.

_30 minutes later…_

That's it.

I walked over to the door and pulled it open sighing in relief at being able to breathe again. All the air in _that _room had been used up and it had officially become suffocating.

My eyes ran the length of the corridor I was now in, the sounds of people's shoes clicking on the shiny floors and the quite murmur's they made walking around the hospital in the middle of the night.

I was unnervingly worried now. Sirius had left me over two hours ago and I knew that wasn't right. But I stood there not knowing where the fuck to go because I didn't even know where he went.

_Oh my god, how the hell do I get myself in these situations??_

I was really concerned. I took a deep breathe and closed my eyes for a moment trying to think of what to do. Sirius had asked me not to leave the room but surely he hadn't intended to be this long? Something had happened.

_Ah this was terrible!_

I kicked off from the wall I had been leaning against and I made my way down the corridor to my left. Did I know where I was going? No. But I couldn't just wait there and hope for the best.

* * *

I was literally getting close to hyperventilation right now. That or hitting someone because I was in the middle of St mungo's hospital and I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

All I knew is that I had been blindly looking for Sirius for some time now and that I had somehow found my way up to the top floor of the building.

Currently I was in a closed canteen area. The cooking station up front was closed down and shut up but there were dozens of tables, lined with chairs sitting empty infront of it. There was a large window running the length of the room on the far side and it gave a sky view of London. I'm assuming it was enchantment but I stood looking out anyway.

Lights twinkled from the large skyscrapers that towered above the streets but I took in none of the beauty below me for I was feeling powerless and drained. I didn't know where the hell Sirius was and for the first time since arriving at Hogwarts all I wanted to do was be there. I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to be here. To do this.

"Which part of stay in the room did you not understand?" I heard a hard voice behind me. I spun on spot to see Sirius infront of me and I swear to god I almost passed out from relief.

"What did I say? What did I say? I said stay in the room!" Sirius said heatedly, he was pretty mad at me but to hell with that.

"Where the hell have you been?!" I demanded to know but as he opened his mouth to speak I held up a finger to shut him up. "No. And for your fucking information I waited in that god damn room for over two hours! I have been going out of my head and if you dare give me any of that you should have trusted me shit, then I swear on my life I will slap you." I snapped my eyes on fire and he just glared back at me.

"You were going out of yoru head? What do you think I was when I came back to see you missing and then after walking around for a bloody hour still not being able to find you?!"

"What did you expect? I expected you to be like half and hour tops but 2 hours roll by and still nothing? I was worried so I went looking for you."

"Oh good plan." Sirius said clapping his hands a few times. "Considering you've probably never been here before and I didn't say where I was going. What I did say however is that I would be back as soon as I could and that I'd only go if yopur promised to stay in the room. Which you did. Fuck you have serious issues with following instructions don't you but if you'd just have sit tight and trusted me when I said I'd be back soon, I would have found you almost an ho…" Sirius was cut off as his face went to the side.

A loud noise sounded through the almost empty room and my hand tingled from where it had collided with his face. There was a moment of silence in which we both stood shocked.

Sirius turned his head back to me slowly. "Did you just hit me?" He asked in a shocked voice.

I looked up at him with wide eye's not to sure if I really had. "I think so." I replied in surprise.

"Can I ask why?"

"Eh…well I said don't bring up the trust thing….so eh…yeah." I replied still a bit confused with what the hell had just happened. "Sorry." I said simply as an after thought.

Sirius looked at me for a moment before he burst out laughing. "Don't laugh it's not funny." I said but I couldn't stop myself from laughing either.

"It is V. You know I don't think you've ever hit me before." He chuckled.

"It probably hurt me more than it hurt you." I said with a smile.

"I doubt it." Sirius said smiling as he rubbed his jaw. I caught sight of the red mark on his cheek and winced.

"Sorry." I repeated again.

"Don't worry about it I think I'll live." He assured me bemused at the situation.

I gave one last laugh before covering my face "Oh god you go out of your way to help me and I end up abusing you. I'm being such a bitch tonight." I said rolling my eyes at myself and taking my hands away to see him smiling.

"Nah, we've gone through this V. You just very highly strung." He comforted warmly and I smiled at him.

"Yeah." I agreed softly.

As the conversation between us died out I found myself in another one of our situations. Our eyes were locked together and it took me a few moments to bring myself to break it.

"So what took you so long then?" I asked him breaking our gaze.

I heard his clear his throat infront of me before he spoke. "It was a little harder to get hold of this than I thought." He said and my eyes were drawn to a black file I hadn't seen him carrying earlier.

"What is it?" I asked with a frown.

"Paris's medical records." Sirius told me. My eyes shot to his startled "Or rather Thomas as he's called now. Any there not really proper medical records because they only date back six years where as he's twenty three now so…" He trailed off and I knew he didn't really know what to say to me as my eyes were fixed on the folder he held.

"Thomas?" I asked in a breathe still not looking away.

"Yeah I don't know why Thomas but I suppose they had to give him a name didn't they?" Sirius said and he placed the folder on the table we stood by before taking a seat and indicating for me to do so as well.

"How did you…" I asked finally looking away from the file and at the person who brought it to me.

"The less said about that the better. But let's just say it wasn't as easy as I thought so it took a lot longer. This isn't the real one of course, I couldn't take that in case the hospital needed it in future but its an exact copy." Sirius explained to me and I nodded my eyes back to the object infront of us.

"Don't you want to read it?" Sirius asked me after a moment and his tone was tender. I released a breathe I hadn't known I'd been holding before I asked a question. "Do you know where he is?" I asked in bated breathe.

"He's in the Janus Thickey ward. It's on the third floor and he's in room 8." Sirius told me and the second he did my heart seemed to literally stop for just a moment.

_He was on the floor right beneath where I sat._

"Have you read it?" I asked in a whisper.

"Bits. I had to in order to make sure it was the right person. Make sure the information fitted together so I knew it was him." I nodded numbly.

"Is there anything in there I would _want _to read?" I asked and we both knew what I meant.

Sirius didn't reply immediately. "It tells you when and how he got here, which you already know. It tells you how long he's been here which again you already know but it doesn't tell you exactly what's wrong with him. It documents his actions and symptoms whilst being here, how he behaves and what he does but it doesn't give a definite diagnosis of how he got like this." Sirius explained to me and I looked around to him.

"Do I want to read it Sirius?" I asked looking him in the eye. He surveyed me for a moment.

"Probably not." He answered finally. "But you've got in now. You can keep the file and do what you please with it. It's up to you." He said and I found myself finding it difficult to speak so I merely nodded.

"However of course it does leave a question that you still haven't answered. Do you want to see him?" Sirius inquired and my breathe caught at the question.

I knew where he was now. I could see him in the next ten minutes if I so chose but…was I ready to see him? Could I handle what I'd see? Could I really actually do this?

"V?" Sirius broke through by thoughts in a gentle tone. "I really don't want to rush you sweetheart but it's getting late. We'll have to leave soon." He told me in an apologetic tone. "Do you want to see him?" He asked again.

I inhaled and exhaled in quick succession. "I have to see him." I said in a barely audible voice. "If I came this far and didn't see him when I was this close…I'd regret it." I said more to myself than him.

"Alright. Okay but there is one little problem." Sirius said delicately.

"What?" I asked looking at him.

"The ward he's on. It's a locked ward and I haven't worked out how the lock works…"

"It doesn't matter," I interrupted. "I'll find a way in." I said mater of factly.

Sirius nodded and I was surprised I received no argument. "Right well you can take the cloak so no one see's you and I'll wait here." He said handing me the thin bundle of fabric.

I was further surprised that I didn't have to ask to go on my own. And I was very grateful for his understanding.

"If you go down those stairs over there," He indicted behind us, near the closed down gift shop "you'll come out right infront of the entrance to the ward." He informed me.

"Okay." I said nodding to myself in the process. This was happening very fast and I was at a point of utter disbelief.

"I'll be here when you get back." Sirius promised me and I looked back at him and as my eyes caught his I felt the need to say something. I couldn't though. I couldn't speak. I could barely breathe. So I collected the cloak from where it lay on the table and I got up and left.

I couldn't even bring myself to glance back as I made my way to the staircase.

It was when I descended it that I really started to panic.

_I cant do this…I cant do this…I cant do this...._

I came out onto a little square room. It was totally empty of people and directly across from me was a lift door, to the right of me a few wooden benched and to the left of me two big joining doors with a plastic plaque beside them reading '_The Janus Thickey ward'._

_I have to do this._

The cloak in my hands was brought up around my body and it covered me like water would. I could still see everything infront of me very clearly. I exhaled deeply and approached the doors. I saw a small sign on the window of one that read '_private access only' _but I couldn't see anything to acquire verification. As an automatic thought I reached out and pulled down the handle and pushed the door just to make sure. As I expected it was locked so I stood back an pondered for a moment before drawing my wand. Just as I was about to cast a spell I was broken from my thoughts by a the door I was focused on opening and a small elderly looking nurse walking out in lime green robes. Initially I was startled but quickly I got myself together and slipped in past her.

_Talk about luck._

I know found myself with a long, light blue corridor stretched infront of me but on the right side of this corridor were large windows looking into several large rooms. As I approached the first window I saw half a dozen beds inside, most with the curtains drawn. On one bed I saw a woman sat on her bed in a night gown playing with what appeared to be building blocks and from what I saw she seemed to be singing though from out in the corridor I couldn't hear a thing.

I was startled once more as half way up the calm looking ward a nurse and a healer burst from a door and the brief moment in which it was open I heard screaming that sent chills up my spine. It was gone as quick as it came but I was left with a sinister feeling as I stood in the centre of the ward.

Everything looked so warm and welcoming, orange glowing lights lining the roof so as to bathe it all in a soothing glow, pretty pictures and neatly placed posters making it feel homely. But behind each door I passed I wondered if, behind the blinds that were drawn across the large windows, more tortured screams echoes within the rooms.

I got half way up the ward and came to an almost reception like area. Well I say reception but it was more of a large desk with a woman sat behind it on a chair and believe it or not she was knitting. Yes knitting and humming contently in the process. I felt almost like I was over reacting to all of this seeing as everyone else seemed so calm.

I shook myself though and reminded myself what it was I was supposed to be doing.

_Room 8_

I looked around to see if I could see numbers and sure enough above each door where numbers. Currently I was placed before number four and I looked to my right to see number three so obviously I had to go left.

_In and out. In and out._

I was trying to steady my breathing. Calm myself as I moved silently forwards.

_I cant do this…I cant do this…I cant do this…fuck I really don't want to do this…_

I passed number seven, the room in which I had heard the screaming and I carried on coming to the last door on the ward.

Number 8.

I stopped infront of it and saw the blinds were drawn. It took everything I had not to run back down the ward and go to Sirius and demand we leave. I forced my hand to reach out, I commanded it to grip the handle and I prayed it would obey to pull it down. I silently pushed open the door and I thanked whatever god it was that existed that when it opened no sound came out to alarm any nurse of my presence.

I force myself to enter, cross the threshold and shut the door behind me. When I did I was found myself in a room like every other I had passed on my way here only this one only had four beds in it and every single one had its green curtains drawn around it.

_He was in this room._

I was in such a state of fear and nerves I was brought close to tears but yet again I demanded composure and cast my eyes over each silent bed to try and obtain some idea of which one he was in. There wasn't. I didn't have a clue.

I sighed In frustration, if I were tested I would fail for my composure and strength was wavering dramatically. I stood there right infront of the door for quite some time and it wasn't until I couldn't bear anymore that I decided to go with my instincts and my instincts were telling me to go the bed furthest on my left.

_I cant do this…I cant do this…_

Somehow I found myself at the foot of the curtains and somehow my hands swiped away the fabric, I realized I wasn't breathing as I opened the curtains.

I then saw what was on the other side and exhaled erratically. I took all of a two seconds for tears to spill from my eyes as I saw him.

He was lying on the bed, his posture relaxed as he slept. His pale skin was just as I remembered, the metallic gold coloured hair cut shorter than I had ever seen on him. I was shaking as I moved to the other side of his bed, trying to stay silent through the tears that wouldn't stop.

He was so peaceful. So serene and yet as I looked at him in the ward he lay, my heart broke. It smashed so brutally the pain was unimaginable and as though I was eleven again I could hear his screams. Flashes of his pain filled face wove into my mind and I sobbed for them to go away. I sat myself on the chair beside his bed and my heart continued to tear.

I saw a name plaque and my jaw tightened. His name was Paris, it wasn't Thomas. His name was Paris and I wanted him to wake up. I wanted him to wake up and I wanted to hug me and I wanted my brother back. I wanted to speak to him, to look into his eyes and to see him looking back and yet…

That was never going to happen was it. My tears came harder as words that had waited to be heard for years finally surfaced. He was asleep and yet I still knew…this wasn't my brother.

My brother…. My brother was dead.

_God it hurts so much._

I wasn't going to get him back.

….

Fuck he was really gone wasn't he? I looked down at his hands and even they looked different. He looked older now and he'd lost his shine. Lost his sparkle. I was grateful he slept for I don't know I would have been able to see his eyes look back at me and not know my face.

* * *

I wasn't sure how long I had been sat there but the tears had stopped. The ache had gone. I'd cried myself out and now… I felt empty.

Totally empty. I wasn't overwhelmed anymore. I wasn't even upset. I just felt this hollow…it wasn't cold or dark or…it was just there.

Looking at him, thoughts still ran through my mind, images of things that had happened and mere moments before these images had shattered me and though now I still found them distressing…I wasn't experiencing the feelings that should have been attached to my thoughts.

Then I finally felt something. It was odd, it was…dense. Like a ball of…I can't even think of a substance to describe it but it was dense and it was aching. Though I don't know how exactly it ached for I didn't feel it. I'm not making any sense I know that but there was this feeling I had.

My body felt…just wrong. My head felt heavy and my torso felt hollow. My jaw felt as though it had been chewing for hours and my throat felt tight. I can't think of a right word to sum it up for I hadn't felt like this before.

A few moments later a word came to me that seemed to describe my mental state perfectly and I hated that word. I felt lost.

_Lost…._

It would be pointless of me to then describe the next dozen minutes of my life for there really is nothing to describe. I just sat there, unsure if tears were still falling, I didn't feel hollow anymore and I wasn't feeling the unusual ache, I didn't feel anything that I can describe. I just sat there in the knowledge I was lost and it was some time later that I came to a realization.

I realized there was nothing for me there. I was sat with my brother lying right beside me and I knew I was merely grasping to comfort I was craving. I wished with all my heart he'd wake up and I'd see my Paris but I had a profound moment where I knew that was never going to happen.

You see my brother wasn't in that room. I didn't know who lay there, but it wasn't him. My brother was gone.

Gone. My eyes closed as the word dropped like a galleon would. It rung around my head in an echo and I felt… do you know I'm not even going to try and attempt it. I'm not even going to attempt explaining what I felt for I would only repeat what I just said. Because that was the only way in which anyone could describe it. There was no emotional crumble or meltdown, I just sat there and the desperate hope I had been throwing up in the air for years trying to keep it out of harms way, finally fell. The penny it seemed had finally dropped.

* * *

"Did you see him?" Sirius asked me the moment I sat down at the table he hadn't moved from.

I didn't look at him.

"Can we go now?" I asked my voice coming out in a quiet flat tone.

"Yeah." Sirius said and I heard a frown in his voice. "Yeah of course we can. I'm just going to apparate us from here okay?" He asked to make sure I was alright with his plan. Again I didn't reply, I just placed my hand in his own and allowed him to do as he pleased.

It was quick and I'm sure it was unpleasant but I barely noticed the spinning or discomfort. I barely felt anything. When things became clear again I saw we were once again in the small hut we were in earlier…or rather last night. It was still very dark considering it was winter but I could hear birds outside so I knew it had to be close to morning.

I vaguely wondered why if he was able to apparate straight form here to st mungo's why hadn't he don't so earlier but to be honest I didn't care much for the answer. I hadn't noticed him creating the opening to the tunnel but I blindly obeyed the pressure of his hand as he led me though it. You know I can't even remember walking through the tunnel either but I do remember coming out of the other side.

I even vaguely recall feeling a sense of relief at being back in the castle. Though god knows why. I remember looking at Sirius and I remember seeing him looking back, concerned and I remember vividly wanting to hug him. Sounds a bit too sensitive for me doesn't it but one of my only memories of getting back that night was the moment where I felt very cold and emotional and I wanted him to take it away.

By the time we got back into the common room the fire had died out leaving soot instead of embers. There was a faint light outside now but not enough to illuminate anything so lamps glowed in the corners of the room.

We neared the staircases in which we would finally separate but just as we drew closer, Sirius pulled me back gently. I looked up at him curiously.

"I know you're tired V. It's been a long day but I still want to talk to you. Later today can I talk to you?" Sirius asked his eyes dancing between my own and I surveyed him remembering my promise from earlier. Had I said no I knew he would still pursue and I remember realizing something in that moment. I remember looking at him and seeing something in his eyes that made my heart drop for I knew what was going to happen. I knew with unbearable certainty that there would be no way to prevent it. I almost wanted to apologize, for the things to come. For the pain I had yet to cause him, the destruction I was powerless to prevent. I didn't though. I stopped myself from uttering words that would only fuel the fire and instead I nodded. I nodded agreement to his request before I left him, before I broke his gaze yet again and I cursed the way my heart felt at leaving him.

**Wasn't worth the wait was it? Sorry but for some I really struggled writing this one…well maybe when I'm feeling a bit better I'll come back and touch it up a bit because there are things I'm not too keen on.**

**Anyone reading this right now, thank you so much for sticking with this story, it really means a lot to me :) I promise I'm going to get the next chapter out as soon as I can and in the next one she'll be visiting Troy in the hospital wing and lets just say Tudor's not happy with her. **

**Thanks again for reading and I'd love it if you could leave some kind of feedback so review xxxxx**


	26. No More

**Yes I know that this is yet again very belated and I really am sorry but as usual, life got a little hectic so the bad times have been a'rollin. As always thanks to everyone who reviewed and I have to say before you read this that my beta gets complete commending for what she did for this chapter because trust me people when she gets them they can be pretty chaotic and somehow she finds order so thank god for her!**

**Hope it's somewhat worth the wait :) **

**Oh wait! One last thing and it's quite important before you read. I know that when some of you read this you're going to think I'm repeating another scene for the thousandth time but I promise I'm not. This is going somewhere for real this time and I finally have it all worked out so when you finish this please bear that in mind :)**

I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. My mind was racing, yet it was blank; my heart was beating wildly, yet it seemed frozen. I was filled with this sense of needing to pull myself together and carry on, and yet an urge just as strong was trying to tell me to just give up.

I was confused at the constant contradiction in my emotions, my thoughts. I needed to get my head straight and I needed to do it now. I needed to sort this out because at the end of the day, no matter how much I resent it, no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I throw things or scream or stamp my feet in protest, life it what it is.

Things change, things happen. All you can do is change with them. Act according to circumstances and adjust yourself to the flow of things. I just wish it was as simple and straightforward as my mind said it should be.

It's an odd thing, isn't it? How your mind, what controls your every movement, every word and every thought, has no control over the throb of your heart or the drop in your stomach.

I opened my eyes, allowing myself to view the dull light that bled through my curtains as dawn broke. I had come up to my bed not long before, but the moment my exhausted body met the padded quilting, I knew I'd find no rest. I couldn't lie still and find peace with things the way they were.

Almost without thinking about it, I pulled back the curtains and silently stood from my bed. The other occupants of my dorm slept soundly behind their screens. As I pulled my shoes on, my eyes glanced at the bed beside mine, but I ignored the stab at my heart when I thought of who lay there and what she must think of me now. I couldn't afford to care. I wouldn't allow myself to care.

As quietly as I could, I made my way through the door and down the winding stairs until I came to the common room. Without so much as a glance around me, I exited the tower and padded gently through the cold halls that seemed dead without the buzz of students milling about.

My feet took the path I had taken few times. Once more, I ignored the twisting in my stomach as I descended stairs and crossed corridors: nerves would get me nowhere now. Arriving at my destination, I halted at the door. I hesitated just for a moment and cursed myself for doing so. It would be futile to put this off. As I pulled the handle down, I was cautious to do so quietly for I didn't want to awaken anyone. I stepped into the large room.

It was illuminated by the light of a cold dawn, everything bathed in a dull grey. I could hear the very faint patter of fine rain hitting the glass of the windows. I moved through the centre of the room, passing empty beds as I did so, and I halted almost halfway down in front of the only occupied bed. The curtains were drawn. With one last glance to the door of the ward, I entered through my second hospital curtain of the night.

Again, I saw my brother lying on a bed. However, it wasn't the same one, of course. I felt no whisper of the strength of emotion I had felt in seeing my eldest brother.

Troy lay before me, his entire body covered by a blanket. As I moved forward, I saw that he was in an induced sleep for had he not been, he would have awoken the second I walked in the room. My eyes ran across his form and I could see nothing to cause me concern. There was no visible lasting damage to our altercation. Then again, I hadn't expected any. After all, it had not been his skin I targeted in my attack.

I sat myself in the chair beside his bed. Yet again, I ignored the déjà vu sensation that came over me. I sat there not so I could stay with my brother, but to wait. Waiting for something I knew I wouldn't have to wait long for. As I had expected, my wait came to an end only a few moments after I took a seat.

"I was looking for you," were the words that greeted me.

"Were you?" I asked tonelessly, not moving my gaze from the sleeping Troy even though I didn't want to see him.

"Where were you?" The tone was cold and empty.

"Calming down," I replied, my voice still completely emotionless.

There was a pause in which I knew my brother was deciding whether or not to chastise me for my reply.

"Mother was here," I was next told.

My head moved towards him at hearing this but my eyes still refused to look at him. I glanced back at Troy again before I spoke. "I assumed she would probably come."

Oddly enough, I did not care that she had come to see Troy immediately, yet I had only gotten a letter when I was in the hospital wing for two weeks. I knew that had it been Tudor, she would not have come either. If I'm honest, my mother's approval and care was not something I longed for. Quite the opposite, in fact.

"She wished to see you."

"So as to scream at me for injuring her favourite? I don't think I would have been in the mood, Tudor," I said, finally looking at him.

His eyes were empty and endless, though his posture tensed as he spoke. "She was concerned for her son, Veronica. The one you almost killed."

"Don't be so dramatic," I snapped, looking back at Troy with irritation now.

"He could have died," Tudor replied in a tone so cold and angry I would have felt a chill had I not been so annoyed. "For all we know, had I not been there when I was, he would have. The look on your face when I rounded that corner was not a look of someone about to stop."

"I would have stopped," I replied, rolling my eyes at his theatrics. I assumed he had cast some kind of spell, for our voices were loud enough to alert the matron, but as of yet, we had not been interrupted.

"No, you wouldn't have. I know what you're like when you get like that. All your rational thought leaves you and all you do is go and go and go until something stops you."

"Ah, I am so sick of you going on about what I'm like," I snapped, standing up and moving closer to him. "You've barely seen me in the past six years, so don't start banging on about how you understand the way my mind works."

"I've never claimed to, but I do know the way you and Troy work when you argue. Neither of you has an ounce of self control."

"Here we go, here comes one of your lectures," I snarled, walking slightly away from him and running a hand through my hair.

"Do you really feel nothing when you think about what you've done to you own brother?" Tudor asked.

"No. No, I do feel something, Tudor. I think they call it satisfaction," I said looking him straight in the eye.

"Look at him, Veronica," Tudor hissed, his eyes showing his anger as he motioned to the bed. "Look at what you've done."

"Oh, he deserved it, and to be honest, I'm just disappointed he isn't dead. God knows it would have saved me the hassle of what will happen when he wakes up," I spat viciously. "How the hell can you stand there and act like this is the first time something like has happened? For God's sake, it isn't like he hasn't done ten times worse to me over the years. This is just retribution," I defended myself simply.

"Rarely has he raised a wand to you, Veronica. Even when he did, never did he go this far."

I looked at him in disbelief. "He's half killed me so many times I've lost count!"

"He has never gone this far," Tudor repeated.

My hand literally twitched in my urge to strike a blow but I refrained in my hostility, settling instead on taunting. "No? So he didn't try and drown me when I was six? He didn't tie me up and dislocate my knee before locking me in a chest and leaving me in it for hours? I didn't almost suffocate because I was screaming so much? What, I was just imagining all that, was I?" I glared at Tudor. "Or what about when he tried to poison me or when he threw me down the stairs or when he pinned me down before breaking five of my toes? Or when I was nine and he held a pillow over my face? Does none of this count because he didn't use a wand?!" I inquired, my voice becoming louder as I dived into my bitterness.

"None of this happened," Tudor said, suddenly very cold. I felt a malicious amusement at his attitude. If Tudor was told something he didn't already know, if his sense of superiority was tainted in the slightest, his defence was denial.

"Oh, did the sadist never tell you of his little torturing sessions?" I spat back.

"Father would never have allowed him to do that to you, he w--"

"Father never knew," I dismissed matter-of-factly. "It was always Mother who broke us up. Of course, as you know, she never punished him. God forbid "Golden Boy" got upset," I said, my cold tone stained darkly as my glare returned to Troy.

Mother cared for Troy, though I didn't know why. She didn't like me, and I'm not being dramatic when I say that. She had put in the time to make sure I didn't tarnish her reputation, such as making sure I dressed in the right way and acted appropriately. But she's never liked my personality.

Tudor was the one she _really_ didn't like, though. You'd think he'd be the favourite, wouldn't you? He was with my father, but my mother despised him. She never said this, but she never needed to. Her actions spoke volumes.

"Even if this is true, I can recall many instances in which you weren't a victim by any means. If I remember right, you once tried to burn Troy alive. On another occasion, you stabbed him," Tudor said flatly, pushing away from the subject of which he didn't know every aspect. God forbid he didn't have the upper hand.

I narrowed my eyes "I did neither. You know full well that they were both accidents," I said coldly.

"Of course they were, Veronica," he agreed in a voice that showed he didn't agree at all. "So is this what you do then? He hits and you hit back? Is this the retaliation for what he did last month?" He was referring to Troy strangling me.

My jaw tightened. "Maybe," I said tonelessly and without shame.

"Of course, you see the flaw with your little games, don't you?" Tudor asked in a cold, patronizing voice. "You feel wronged and you get even. Then Troy thinks he's been wronged and he'll get even. When he does so, the cycle starts again. So when does it stop, Veronica? When the other finally can't hit back again because they're no longer breathing? Will that be the only end to it?" Tudor asked spitefully as I continued to glare.

"You know better than anyone how vicious he can get, how sadistic he is. I beseech you to give me just one example of any instance in his entire life in which he shown just a shred of remorse for any of his actions. He's a danger to everyone around him. Don't act like you haven't had to clear up his messes a thousand times. Don't pretend that you aren't the one that has to keep him in check every single day," I knocked back at Tudor. "You can spin the relationship Troy and I share in any which way you like, brother. It matters not, for the fact still remains that if he harms me or makes a move to do so, I will defend myself. And no matter how childish you make it out to be, this will remain unchanged: I will not allow myself to be bullied into submission by him," I said matter-of-factly. My words brought about an end to our conversation.

There was a moment in which Tudor looked at me with empty eyes and it was not until he breathed out evenly that I could do the same. "I told the matron that a spell backfired on him, causing this state. Whether she believes it or not, I do not know, but she isn't pushing the subject. Mother knows what really happened but the school does not. Troy is scheduled to wake up later today and if all goes well, he will be released tomorrow with no lasting damage." This was a dismissal. He had informed me of the situation at hand and now he wanted me to leave.

Though I didn't like the idea of him telling me what to do, the truth was I didn't want another argument with him. I never liked arguing with Tudor. Of course, nearly every argument we had ever had was always about Troy and me. Tudor was not taking sides, because I knew without any doubt that he and Troy had talked about the same thing a hundred times over, but I still never liked creating conflict with Tudor. As I have said again and again, we had always had a somewhat civil relationship. Considering the relationships I shared with other members of my family, civil was quite an achievement.

I know I keep justifying myself to you and explaining over and over what my brothers are like, but I know at this point you may think that the way Tudor 'looks after' us shows that he cares in some way. I will repeat it until my tongue stiffens: he doesn't. My mother and father bestowed upon Tudor the responsibility to ensure that Troy and I do not end up killing ourselves, tarnishing the family name, or killing someone else. At home, it was my father who wielded control, but by attending Hogwarts, I had learned that Tudor played a similar role when Father was not able to. Both my father and Tudor were control freaks and needed to have authority over others. These small acts, sorting out situations, covering for us, keeping tabs, may appear to be care, but they are forms of control.

After a moment of contemplating whether or not to obey his dismissal, I decided to walk away. But just as I turned, Tudor spoke again.

"Severus Snape was in here earlier, one broken arm and one dislocated shoulder, a mild head injury and a large amount of skin shredded by broken glass," he spoke almost conversationally and I didn't turn to him, but I halted.

"He was meddling in affairs that didn't concern him. I was merely making sure he didn't trouble me again," I justified calmly.

"He was only informing me of your lies, Veronica," Tudor replied harshly.

I closed my eyes and sighed. "I have already broken all ties with Evans. Can you not just let it be, Tudor?" I sighed, tired of this conflict.

"I said I would, and I will. However, I'd appreciate some more restraint on your part, Veronica. As you so nicely put it, I already have someone else to 'keep in check', so please exercise some rationality the next time your temper shows itself," Tudor said.

I took a moment to stop myself from lashing out at his patronizing tone. "Yes, brother," I then agreed dutifully before walking away.

* * *

I wrapped a towel about my body as I exited the bathtub. The hot water hadn't soothed me. I was let down; all the water did was make my head light and my thoughts hazy.

My eyes glanced at the clock that hung from the wall beside the large window. My stomach twisted in an agonizing way as I took note of how much longer I had until I would have to see him. I moved over to the chair beside the sink and picked up my bag of toiletries before starting the ritual that I followed every single time I took a bath.

It was half past six and I would be meeting him at seven o'clock. I had received a note at about midday as I lay behind my curtains, sleep a thousand miles away, which told me when he wanted to see me. I had not forgotten my promise to talk with him, but I admit, even after hours upon hours of contemplation, I was still feeling inner turmoil at the decision I had reached in the early hours of the afternoon.

I knew without any doubt that this was something I was going to have to do but more than anything, I was feeling shame and anger at myself for allowing this to happen. I had allowed him access to my life, access to secrets no one else knew. And now we would both suffer the consequences. I wished there was a way where he would not have to feel how I knew he was going to, a way in which I could take the ache for both of us. We all know I have a rather twisted way of freezing emotions. I knew I was able to deal with it. He would take it harder.

For months now, Sirius had pursued the truth, pursued the reason why I was acting the way I was. Now he knew. Well, he knew enough to appease his mind, anyway. All day, I had gone over the events of the previous night, looking at them from every possible aspect, but no matter how I squinted or how I skirted, I drew the same conclusion again and again. Now that he knew, things were far worse than they had been.

Sirius, if you haven't already worked this out, is far too stubborn to stop.

Knowing what he now knew, he was going to make it his mission not to allow me back to my house. I could cry and sob and scream at him, but he would not waver. He would do everything he could to prevent me from returning to my parents. After hours of thinking, my mind came up with only one solution. Even if I did it properly, did it perfectly, there was still a chance it wouldn't work. I would receive one shot to ensure he left me alone. And it wasn't going to be by polite conversation.

Guilt and dread twisted in my chest and I gritted my teeth.

_Don't pretend you've got morals all of a sudden. Don't pretend like you care._

My very own thoughts stung. It was true, though: I had to do this. There were many ways to get on the wrong side of Sirius Black, but in order to get him to hate you, you had to hurt him. I had to make it so that he couldn't forgive me anymore. So that he couldn't justify my actions anymore.

I had... I suppose there is little point on deception now, so I'll just be honest. I had begun to question what I was doing. Betraying my family, lying to those around me, lying even recently to Albus himself. I had been so young when I got myself involved with the Order of the Phoenix. My mind now wondered at the accuracy of the choice I had made.

Was what I was going to do really for the best? After seeing Paris, feeling it all again, I now knew it was.

My father had done that. My father was the reason my heart was broken, I wouldn't, couldn't, allow myself to stray from my aim. I wouldn't allow anything to get in the way of punishing him for what he did. Making him feel and ounce of what I had felt.

This... what was going on between Sirius and me. It was so... twisted, dysfunctional, uneven, unstable. I knew if I indulged my curiosity, gave into temptation, I would be dragged down by something neither of us had control over. Like I just said, I wouldn't allow _anything _to get in the way of what I had to do.

I had a responsibility to myself. That is probably the most selfish thing you may ever hear, but I promised honesty and that is what I shall give. Paris was gone and revenge wouldn't bring him back. I was no longer doing this for him, for there wouldn't be a point to that. I wasn't doing this for all those people my father had hurt; I wasn't even doing it to stop the pain he had yet to inflict. I was doing this because there was an agony inside me, a hole in my heart, and I needed to make him feel that. I needed him to understand what it felt like to have your heart shatter. What it felt like to be betrayed. To hell with the consequences.

_It is not the hate of your father that fuels you, but the love for your brother._

Albus's words rang through my head like a malicious whisper. But I knew how wrong he was.

I felt hollow and all I wanted to do was make it go away. But before I could, I would have to hurt someone, someone I didn't want to hurt, someone who had been caught in the crossfire. I knew I wouldn't forgive myself for what I was going to say to him.

* * *

The lights flickered in the stone corridors of the ancient castle as I walked through them that night, my feet finding their way towards the library.

Yes, the library.

The location was a shock to me. I hadn't imagined he would wish to speak somewhere so public. And yet, it left little wonder in me. Like you well know, I had bigger issues travelling through my thoughts. My heart felt heavy, but my tongue felt light, like it was ready to do what must be done.

I turned into the cavernous library, my eyes casting quickly over the rows and rows of the towering books, knowing behind the closer shelves was a labyrinth of old notes and manuscripts. The Hogwarts library had to be one of the best and oldest looking I had ever come across. As I had attended the one in my grandfather's house, such a statement should reveal the magnitude of its excellence.

Few students were visible, but I knew they sat at desks behind the rows, as I could hear the quiet hush of their whispers. How we were going to have a private conversation in this place was beyond me. Still I wove between the towering bookcases, moving deeper and deeper into the library until I found myself at a point where there were shelves and shelves in every direction. Not even a window cast light, only the swinging candlelit chandeliers high above me, hanging from the high ceiling, provided a dim glow.

It did not startle me to find him leaning against a bookcase opposite me, even though I swear he hadn't been there a moment earlier. His gaze directly upon mine, I stood for a moment just staring back. I took note of his posture: tense, his eyes almost hard. It was a change to the night before, one I found difficult to explain.

"Hi," Sirius said softly, surprising me with his tone.

I showed nothing though, keeping my face indifferent and refraining from returning his greeting.

"Are you all right?" I heard concern now. Sirius stopped leaning against the shelves behind him.

"Why are we here?" I asked, my voice icy. "How do you plan on having any kind of conversation in a place where every word echoes?" I asked condescendingly, clearly unhappy with his choice of location.

He frowned at me before turning to the left, walking out of my vision. I sighed in frustration before following him. Once again, we were in a space of towering shelves, only this time there was a square wooden table and four rickety chairs amongst the books. I looked over to Sirius with a raised eyebrow.

"I've cast a silencing charm so no one will hear anything. No one ever comes this deep into the books anyway," he justified. I almost frowned.

_This is all seeming very... out of place._

Do you know what I mean? It just seemed not quite right. Or maybe it was just me. Maybe I was just... well, I'm not exactly a beacon of normality, am I?

"I want to get this over with, Sirius, so can you please just say what you have to say," I stated in a cold snappish tone.

He frowned at me. "V--"

"Don't start, Sirius. I didn't come here for another one of your heart to hearts," I remarked in a viciously bored voice. I rolled my eyes at the repetition of our conversations. It was becoming exceedingly tedious.

"Are you mad at me?" Sirius asked me, evidently confused by my harshness.

With a twinge in my chest I saw my chance. "Yes, I am, Sirius," I replied simply.

"Oh, and what have I done now?" he asked.

My iron straight gaze, fixed on his pupils, saw frustration and also disappointment dwell deep in his dark grey orbs. I fought my inner conflict.

"Am I really going to have to say it?" I spat with a hostile glare as he continued to look confused. "Last night, I was obviously upset. And you took advantage of that," I said acidly, the words tasting bad on my tongue.

Sirius just looked at me for a moment, his eyes utterly unreadable. Then I saw a lightening bolt of anger. "Took advantage? You think I took advantage of you?" he asked with a growl to his tone.

"I know you did. I was upset, vulnerable. If you had any ounce of the morality you claim to possess, you would have made sure I got back to my dorm. That would have been the end of that. Instead, you chose to _take advantage _of the state I was in and get all the precious little answers you've been chasing since I set foot in this castle," I said coldly.

"You--" He was looking at me in utter disbelief, clearly not prepared for my drastic and unfair mood change. "It wasn't like that at all," he defended, but I could see that the words I spoke to him were having some effect.

My stomach twined but my brain spoke clearly: _Keep it up._

"How was it then, Sirius? Hmm? Because from where I'm standing, I feel like you tricked me into telling what you know damn well was personal to me. That, under normal circumstances, I didn't feel comfortable discussing."

"Every word you said last night was from your own choice. I didn't trick you into anything."

"Yes, you kept going at me to tell you. You kept repeatedly asking and asking and like I keep saying, I was feeling so fragile and I was so vulnerable that in the end, I relented," I said my voice a bit quieter. "You saw the opportunity to get your oh so valuable answers and you took it. Pretending to offer me comfort and vowing your trustworthiness just so I'd bend to your will." I was sure to make it appear that I was actually upset.

There was a waver in his eyes. I was shocked at how quickly I was having an effect. How quickly my bitter, twisted words were sinking through his head. I felt my throat constrict ever so slightly as guilt swam in the depths of his eyes. This was all so much harder that I had thought it would be.

"Your words are twisted. It wasn't like that at all. Last night when you were upset, you made requests, which I did my best to fulfil. I only tried to make it better. I wasn't trying to exploit you at all. I was helping, V, I wasn't taking advantage of you. How can you say that?" Sirius questioned sadly, though angry at my refusal to see things clearly. "Actually, I vividly remember you being the one to kiss me and I being the one who had to pull away. And why did I pull away? Specifically because I didn't want to take advantage of you," Sirius continued to argue, justifying himself to me.

"It was a kiss, Sirius, I was hardly proposing marriage," I said, rolling my eyes as I fought the twist of in my abdomen.

"No, but it showed me something," Sirius said, his voice suddenly different. I noticed how his entire mood had changed with a click. Here I was, thinking I was erratic. "Some part of you wants me," he said simply, his eyes swirling at me again.

I laughed. "Oh, do I now? So it wasn't obvious that I was upset and was looking for comfort? Oh no, no, no, my actions showed I wanted you." I smiled. "Don't delude yourself, Sirius. I needed to feel better and there you were." My words were not as cruel as they could have been, but they seemed to hit a nerve. Before I knew what was happening, the atmosphere around me changed completely. I would be lying if I said I wasn't alarmed at the strength of his dark gaze now. It unnerved me immensely, for I had no idea what he was feeling or what he was about to do.

He laughed breathily, looking first downwards and then to the side in a dark amusement before his eyes found mine again. "Comforting?"

The second I heard his tone, I felt a chill at its... malice "In order to seek comfort, V, you must first be upset, and I doubt if this is actually possible for you. Face it, you're not exactly feeling, are you. You see, there's something in there," Sirius neared me and I fought like I never had before to keep my face passive and eyes cold. "...something not quite right. Something missing," he said to me with cruelty.

_There it is. _

Finally, after months of dancing, the song had ended. Sirius's rage and frustration were spilling out. There was that dark anger that dwelled deep inside of him ever since the first breath he took.

Suddenly, it all seemed very real to me and I felt my heart coil in (I hate to say the word) fear. I was incredibly intimidated and didn't feel in control anymore. I had walked in there with an act, a plan, but that had been naïve. In my plans _I _was in control. I had arrogantly, ignorantly put myself above Sirius. Now I remembered what had stopped Troy from arguing with me when were children when Sirius was around. I recalled what it was that somehow made Sirius Black, a blood traitor, immune to the taunts of his former peers. I knew why Bellatrix merely glared instead of attacking. You don't fuck with Sirius Black.

He laughed darkly. "Proper little dancer, aren't you? Dancing the music Daddy plays, skipping to the song your family sings. You don't even fight anymore, do you? But what would be the point? I mean they're always going to win. When it comes down to the nitty-gritty, V, you're so weak it's sickening," Sirius said softly, so close to me now that I desired to run away. "You probably even try to justify what happened to Paris, don't you?" he asked, hollow cruelty staining his once soothing voice. "Do you tell yourself he deserved it?"

It was a nerve he knew would never heal, yet he completely smashed it. My reaction to the pain he caused shocked me. You see, I didn't have one. I didn't react the way I should have. I should have hit him, stung deeply as I was, but my cold manipulation snapped into play. Instead of a nasty comment, I said something that I knew would turn him on me completely.

"He was foolishly defiant and he knew the consequences of his actions," I remarked tonelessly, not flinching from his gaze.

There was a second where my world seemed to go silent. Then it happened so quickly I didn't even realize it until I felt the wood dig into my back as he roughly pushed me up against the bookcase, the fire in his eyes blinding me.

"Why are you saying this?" he growled. I realized it wasn't just anger anymore; he had reached a point of desperation. I had pushed him so far, he just couldn't take any more of my repetitive lies, my mixed signals.

"Why do you spin and spin and spin, never making sense, never telling me the truth? You're fucking with my mind and ripping everything apart. Can't you see that?" he asked through gritted teeth and forcefully shook my arms.

"You've had every opportunity to walk away from me. Every chance to stay well out of anything to do with me. You were the one who kept involving yourself," I answered, my voice not as firm as I had hoped it would be.

He gave me a hollow smile. "You know damn well why I can't leave you alone. You know the hold you have on me." He seemed to melt out of his dark infuriation, but then he was slipping into something else which I found almost worse. He seemed to be distressed. My God, that hurt me.

He let me go and walked away, going to the other side of the desk. I found all I could do was watch. Something had changed between us. I knew now that this had to stop. I asked him the one question I've asked so many times I've lost count. Only this time, I prayed for a different answer. A real answer.

"Sirius, what do you want from me?" I asked gently, pleadingly, almost begging for him to give me the answer I could consent to.

He turned his head to me from the where he stood. I saw something in his eyes that was too complicated to try and explain. "I want you," he admitted, as though something had just ripped the words right out of him.

I felt the oddest sense of relief when he said it, but I couldn't ignore the ache that went through my chest this time. "You can't have me," I replied softly, solemnly almost.

Sirius looked at me and nodded ever so slightly, almost to himself. "This hasn't gone how I planned," he remarked with hollow amusement.

"No, for me neither," I agreed with just as empty a smile.

A silence fell over us. It was almost like we had reached a point of... I don't really know how to describe what happened between us in those moments, but I knew one thing: we had broken each other down so much that this just couldn't go on.

"Sirius, I need this to stop. I need you to stay away from me now," I said softly, but not demandingly, just factually. I couldn't do this anymore and neither could he.

His eyes snapped up to mine and I saw a swirl of reasoning. "V--"

I cut him off. "Please," I begged him, closing my eyes. I was so damn tired. I felt like we had just torn each other apart. I was willing to get on my knees and beg if it just meant that this would finally stop. If the ache would finally just go away.

"V, I just don't know if I _can _stay away from you," he said desperately.

I reopened my eyes and looked at him from across the desk. "Sirius, I know... I know how confusing all of this is for you, but I really need you to listen to me, okay?" I told him, finally finding some firmness. "This…whatever this is... it's destructive. It's no good for either of us. It can't carry on because look at what's happening. I'll admit there was twisted affection and then lust that's just spiralled--"

"Lust?" Sirius's voice cut into me. "What?" He looked at me in disbelief. "You can't honestly still be calling it lust. You know it's more than that!" he protested, his frustration pushing me over the edge.

"Sirius, I refused you. That's never happened before. That's messed up your mind and that's why you've been chasing me all this time, because I'm playing 'hard to get.'"

"Oh my God, you haven't got a clue, have you." Sirius muttered, glaring darkly.

"Sirius, please, please stop it! Stop with the cryptic words! If you want to say something to me, then please just come out and say it. I don't think I can take any more arguments." I was getting close to tears now. This was all becoming so overwhelming. I cursed how hard it was to lie to him.

"Okay. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me you feel nothing but lust for me," Sirius said firmly.

"Sirius…"

"No, look me in the eyes and say it. Tell me you feel nothing!"

"Is that what you want? Is that what it's going to take?!"

"Yes, yes, I want you to look me right in the eyes and say it. If you do, I will believe you," Sirius promised. I saw his eyes challenge me.

I stared right back at him for a moment before my brain started to finally turn back on.

_Three words and he can walk away. You owe him three words at least._

Fine. Fine, if he wanted... fine.

I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to utter the words. Then something happened that had never happened to me before. I have always been able to say anything to anyone, for I could emotionally detach myself from situations. But when I stood there with his hypnotically intense eyes fixated on me, I choked. I literally couldn't say the words. They were caught in my throat and no amount of persistence brought them to my lips.

I closed my eyes just for a moment to take a breath, but when I reopened them, his hit me like lightening would. Finally, after all these pointless arguments and never ending repetition, I realized that I had to stop trying to protect him. So I opened my mouth and instead of three words, I gave him two.

"Not enough." I told him. My voice bled my apology for I knew by his eyes that he hadn't wanted to hear that even though he had asked for worse.

Sirius nodded, almost as though he had known it was coming. I took a shaky breath, glancing down once before looking back to him.

"We're done here, Sirius. No more," I stated with weariness to my voice. Like I knew I had to, I turned from him and walked away.

As my feet kept moving, I barely heard the smashing of a chair behind me. I was too focused on trying to hold it together until I was out of sight.

**She's not walking away for good! I promise within the next few chapters its all going to go down and things are finally going to be more than arguments and tension, I swear it! Alcohol will be making an appearance very soon and the consequences of that are….very entertaining shall we say. The next chapter is already written and will be out pretty quickly and the chapter after that is almost done so it seems that I'm finally getting there!**

**Review xxxxx**


	27. Looking Behind The Mask

**Originally this was written as a flashback but then I kind of realized that it was too long to be a flashback and made it into a chapter so that's why this one is so short. I know my introduction to this character may seem a little rushed as well so sorry about that.**

**Enjoy!**

"Veronica? Veronica, are you listening to me?" Bellatrix's sharp voice cut into my thoughts and I reigned myself in from snapping back at her.

_Of course I'm not listening to you, you repetitive bitch. It's not like you ever say anything worth listening to._

"Of course I am, Bella. It's just, I can't seem to shake this headache," I replied evenly.

_How the hell am I supposed to listen to you when my sadistic brother is glaring at me non stop from the other side of the common room? Of course you wouldn't notice that, would you, because you're far too unobservant._

"Actually, I think I might head up to bed. See if I can sleep it off," I informed her, standing up.

"Oh, okay then. Well, I'll see you tomorrow," she said in an uncaring tone.

"Goodnight." I replied politely before heading towards the exit, catching Troy's gaze on the way and trying my hardest to fight the unease his eyes brought me. It was only after I left the Slytherin common room that I felt I could breathe easy again. This was horrible. And he knew it.

Troy had been released from the hospital wing a fortnight before and ever since he had walked out of those doors he had been completely calm. Yeah, calm. Troy. It was infuriating! I knew he was angry and I knew he was just waiting to do something. For Merlin's sake, why didn't he just do it?! Why was he... argh it was so annoying.

_Be calm, don't stress, just forget about it._

I closed my eyes and focused on the sound of my feet hitting the stone floor for just a minute, trying to steady myself and reign it all back in. I had been doing so well and I wasn't about to let myself lose it again. I reopened my eyes and took a breath, holding myself calmly again.

As I rounded a corner on my journey back to the common room, I rolled my eyes as I heard a girl giggling up ahead. Then I felt my stomach drop because my mind started to taunt me with thoughts that maybe it was him with... No. No, no, no.

_Control and focus, that's the key, _I told myself firmly, walking straight ahead and hating the nervousness I felt at what I was about to see. I cursed my relief when I did, but then a new emotion came up.

Before me were two people in a rather intimate embrace and... well, I can honestly say I didn't think I would see those two together anytime soon. They broke apart as they noticed another presence in the corridor. For a moment, there was silence.

"Well, don't mind me," I said eventually, walking indifferently past the pair, shaking my head in bemusement as I exited the stone corridor. I soon rolled my eyes as I heard someone following me hurriedly.

"Veronica," she called and I begrudgingly turned round, not really in the mood for this conversation. I was face to face with a girl named Andromeda Black. Now, I know I've never mentioned her before, but it was for good reason. She really wasn't someone I wanted to spend a shred of my time with. A Slytherin, she was no better than her elder sister, in my mind. Same superiority complex, same pureblood arrogance, she was hostile, cold, and renowned throughout the school for being rather easy to ignite.

So I won't lie to you and say that I was finding the way she looked at me with her pale green eyes rather unusual, for I doubted fear was something many people saw in Andromeda's eyes.

"Yes?" I asked coolly. I saw no need to make this easier for her. She took a breath and I knew it to be of hesitation.

"Please don't say anything," She asked finally in a breathy voice. Just as she spoke, a guy with an extremely cagey demeanour joined us. I recognized him as someone called Ted Tonks. He didn't like me, that much was evident, but I could tell he was concerned for Andromeda.

You see, Tonks was a Hufflepuff a year above me. He was also a Muggleborn. Now do you see the shock? A renowned pureblood temper-tantrum-throwing Slytherin and a Muggleborn Hufflepuff? Oh the irony.

"Andromeda, what you do in your spare time is not of my concern. I have no desire to become entangled in any of _this._ Don't fret, I pose no danger to your... secret," I informed her indifferently. Tonks looked relived; Andromeda, however, looked confused.

"That's it?" she asked disbelievingly. She seemed doubtful of my intention.

"Would you like me to sign a contract as well?" I asked, rolling my eyes before turning away. I couldn't be bothered with drama today.

"Andie, come on, just--" I heard Tonks say behind me, but Andromeda wasn't willing to leave.

"No. No, I don't believe you," she called after me. As I irritably turned to her yet again, I saw the famous Black attitude staring right back at me. "Where are the taunts? The anger? The blackmail?" She narrowed her eyes, trying to work me out, it seemed.

"You're the Slytherin, so I'm guessing those things are somewhere near you, Andromeda," I replied, my voice completely even.

I saw Tonks pull at her arm again and mumble something I couldn't hear, but she didn't even look at him, as she was too busy glaring at me. "No, Ted, she's lying. The entire family is completely sadistic. There's no way any one of them would just walk away." Andromeda said, continuing to glare at me, getting angrier by the second.

"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones," I said, looking her up and down in distaste.

Her jaw tighten and her gaze finally went to her... lover?... as he firmly turned her to him. His words were yet again mere murmurs to me. Andromeda replied, "Ted, she's a vicious, cold-hearted, venomous bitch. She's lying."

I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my lips at her description. "Well, it takes one to know one," I said calmly. Her pale eyes snapped to mine again.

"Hell yeah, it does. That's exactly why I know that although you're acting all nicey-nice now, the second my back's turned, you're going to stab it," Andromeda said. I noted how quickly she turned from scared to defensive and also how silly she was being in picking a fight with someone who had knowledge enough to send her little world crashing down.

"If I wanted to stab you, _Andie_, then I wouldn't do it when you couldn't see me. I'd be plain view, don't worry about that," I remarked spitefully, growing too tired of this. I walked away from the scene, not wanting to continue with her paranoia.

I was shocked that no one followed and as my feet found the path to my tower, I couldn't help but feel amused at the irony that Andromeda Black was a blood traitor.

_Damn, that family is riddled with issues and secrets._

"Urgh." I gave a noise of frustration as I saw who stood in front of the portrait hole.

"Did you not take the hint when I walked away?" I asked her as she stood with her arms crossed over her chest. She observed me for a moment with a calmer look on her face.

_How the hell did she even get here before me?_

"Lover boy not with you?" I asked, knowing there was little chance of being able to avoid this. Bitch was stubborn, that much was clear.

"He's gone to bed," Andromeda answered, and though she was a lot more even now, I still heard the defensive note and her posture spoke volumes.

"Not joining him tonight, then?" Oh, I just couldn't help myself.

"Oh no, I fully intend to. Just got to clear up some things first," she replied. Ha. Oh, she may be a venomous little cow, but you had to respect the nerve.

I looked her up and down whilst I next spoke. "Who would have known, eh?" I said amusedly. "Another Black turning on our 'sacred purity.'" I was not able to repress my smile.

"Bit rich for you to be commenting on my loyalties, isn't it, Veronica? We're standing right outside the Gryffindor common room," she remarked, raising an eyebrow.

I looked at her for a moment before I next spoke. "Okay, I'll take that," I said, nodding. Fair enough, she had a point. I then saw something in her eyes that made me curious. When they next met mine, I felt a little stab of something I never thought I'd feel for her.

"Have you ever been in love, Veronica?" she asked me, her voice softer now. Her question completely startled me and I frowned.

"You're in love with him?" I asked, a little surprised.

She took a breath, her gaze weary as it fell from mine. "I tried not to be. I fought it so hard... but it finds you, Veronica. It hurt too much not to…" She trailed off and her eyes met mine. She seemed angry at herself for saying what she had. "I have no idea why I'm talking about this to you, of all people," She continued, her voice suddenly not as soft now. I almost smiled at an act so similar to something I had done a thousand times.

"Well, I'm guessing no one else knows. You're probably a little relieved that it's all not so intense anymore, that it isn't just between you two. I bet it was driving you mad to keep all this in. It's natural that you need to speak to someone," I reasoned.

Andromeda looked at me for a moment and I didn't know what she was thinking. "I wasn't surprised when you were placed in Gryffindor. I think everyone who knew you when you were younger should have had doubts of your placing," she stated matter-of-factly.

"Yeah?" I said softly.

"Yeah. You were never--" she cut herself off as we heard someone coming closer. Maybe standing outside the common room hadn't been the best plan. But I knew I couldn't leave her when she was like this. It would have been unfair of me to turn my back when I knew at least a little of what she was feeling.

"Come on," I said to her, walking past and leading her down the corridor until we came to a hollow in the wall that had a large window and a bench. I sat down and she followed suit. I waited for her to speak.

"I'm not like Sirius," she said suddenly, quietly. I hated how my chest tightened at the name. "He... he was always rebelling, ever since he was a kid. He never believed all of the things we were told... I did, though. I mean, I hate myself for it now and I'm so ashamed of what I used to think, but I believed it. I trusted my parents, but... it was all a lie, wasn't it?" she asked. It wasn't a rhetorical question.

I hadn't even had to tell her my views for I suppose my reaction earlier was enough to show her. She kinda knew now, didn't she.

"Not lies. It's just... their parents told them the same thing. They were raised like we were, it just kinda…" I struggled to describe it to her. "It's just a vicious cycle. There's inbreeding and manipulation and we all see things, hear things, that scare us. Fear makes people cling tighter, cling to the lies they're told, and believe their parents when they say the world is Black and white. They want to believe they're better than everyone else, that they're special, superior," I said. "I'm not putting this very well, am I?" I continued, shaking my head.

"No, I get what you're saying," Andromeda told me. I caught the sad look in her eyes. "I never thought love was something that would happen, you know?" she said, sighing. "I mean, that's not how it goes, is it? We don't marry for love, do we? We marry who our parents wish us to. Then we have kids and raise them and... well, that's what I was taught, anyway. That was all I saw growing up. I never expected to fall in love. I never even knew what love was, so..." She closed her eyes and sighed again. I could tell all of this had taken a massive toll on her. It must have been such a relief to finally speak about it.

"How long?" I asked her.

"It's been about a year now."

"You've been keeping it in that long?" I asked, shocked at just how much this really must have taken out of her. She nodded, not looking at me now. There was another moment of silence.

It was so odd how quickly this had turned. I mean, literally half an hour before, I thought she was just like her sisters and now... well, here I was, and look what was happening. I vaguely wondered how many other people in this school wore masks.

"Can I ask you something?" she said almost hesitantly.

"Go for it."

"If you think all of this, then why are you still lying? Why don't you just get out?" she asked me, confused.

"The same reason you don't, I suppose." I shrugged.

"Yeah, but I'm the cowardly Slytherin, you're supposed to be the daring Gryffindor," Andromeda joked, finally smiling.

"It's not as simple as just walking out, though, is it? It's hard to..."

"Walk out on your family?" she helped.

I smiled softly. "I hate myself for it, I really do, but... yeah. I might hate them, but..."

"You care as well, even though you try not to," she finished.

I nodded, feeling... so weirdly comforted. I could finally speak to someone who understood. Who didn't look at the situation like it was black and white. Who knew how hard it could be at times.

"Well, I have to say, it's nice to know there's someone just as fucked up as me in the school," she said finally.

I laughed. "Well, thanks."

"You're welcome."

**The next chapter is….sort of done. I mean it is written but I'm not happy with it at all and it's all a bit up in the air so I've done the selfish thing and pushed all the responsibility onto my beta. I'm so nice aren't I. I'm kind of praying she can somehow salvage something from the wreck but then again she's done amazingly well so far so I have every faith in her :)**

**To be honest I don't even think I'm going to push fro reviews this time because it doesn't seem to work. I know by the amount of favourite adds and alerts adds I receive every chapter that people are definitely reading this story and if my hits are anything to go by then I know people are coming back again and again. It just seems a little odd that I've got more fav's than I have reviews and almost double the amount of alerts than I do reviews. Anyways I wont dwell, the story is being read and apparently enjoyed so I cant complain :) However to those people who take the time to review, thanks so much because it really does encourage me to write more :)**

**I'll update as soon as I can!**


	28. Bathing In The Aftermath Part 1

**This chapter is really to just update you on what's going on and its also been split into two because the original was way too long. I know not a lot seems to happen but bear with me, we're finally getting there I promise you. As I type I am currently working on some Sirius and Ronnie scenes which are going to finally, finally, finally!, see them get it together. I know I've kept you waiting way too long.**

"Urugh." Andie dramatically made an annoying whining sound as she rested her head on her hand, making the corners of my mouth twitch up. "I am soooo tired," she complained with her eyes closed.

"Well, of course you are. That's what happens when you spend all night with lover boy instead of sleeping," I said simply, placing a piece of bacon on my plate.

Andie shot me a glare and I smiled at her childish display. To me, this was now a routine. To you, this may be a bit unusual, so I'll elaborate. Since our weird little bonding session a fortnight ago (as cliché as I fear this will appear), an unlikely friendship has sprung up between Andie and me. I surprised even myself at how quickly I had gotten close to her. Maybe it was to be expected though? After all, everyone needed a friend. I had been presented with someone not too dissimilar to me and we got on oddly well, so how could I not develop some kind of bond with her? There was, of course, another large factor in our friendship in that I didn't have to sneak around. Traitor she may be, but a silent one. Everyone saw her pretty much as I had done. To all who cared, I had finally befriended a 'suitable' person on my own accord. It was a win-win situation.

"Why are you glaring at the peanut butter?" she asked me oddly as my eyes took in the nut filled paste with disdain.

"Because it's revolting," I replied bluntly.

"I've seen you eat peanut butter," she said incredulously.

"Not nutty peanut butter, not ever. It's inhuman and I don't know how you can eat it," I said, repulsed as she coated her toast with the disgusting paste.

"You're such a weirdo sometimes..." Andie muttered, shaking her head at me, amused before she saw something behind me. She narrowed her eyes. "It's starting to get on my nerves every bloody morning..."

I knew what she was talking about and I shot her a look that told her I wasn't in the mood for idle gossip. She rolled her eyes in response. I had heard the sickly sweet giggle from the Gryffindor table behind me and I did not want to even think about what was going on. I would ignore him and his—

_What happened to not thinking about it?  
_

Yes. Right. Don't even think about it.

"Do you know what I hate?!" Andie asked me, now glaring at her cup of coffee. She wasn't really a morning person, if truth be told.

"You hate something? Surely not?" I feigned shock, but she merely smiled.

"Studying." She said the word like it left a bad taste on her tongue.

"Studying?" I asked, amused at her sudden remark.

"Yes, bloody studying. Ted's got his... oh what are they called... thing coming up and he has to _study._" Andie made a face at the word.

"His mock N.E.W.T's?" I suggested obviously.

"That's the ones!" she exclaimed, clicking her fingers in recognition. "I mean, what the hell is the point in mock exams?! You're just putting people through the stress of tests twice in a year; it's bloody cruel and totally unnecessary," she said in a sulking kind of way.

"No, it's to prepare the students for what the real examination will be like and also to point out any areas in which they may be lacking, which gives them time to improve before the final examination," I said in a simple, optimistic way.

Andie glared at me from across the table, her lip curling. "Um, hello? Friend in crisis here, support and sympathy required?" she said in sing-song tone.

"No. Friend's boyfriend in lots of stress, and his girlfriend is making it all about her. Perhaps he should be the one receiving the support?" I said with a smile. She looked at me for a few moments in distaste but eventually she rolled her eyes and grumbled sullenly under her breath.

"What was that?"

"I said 'fine.'" she snapped, and I laughed at her attitude.

Now I know this might seem very hostile and bitchy, but I promise it wasn't. This was just how we were, and I liked that. I liked the way we worked. It was refreshing not to be the one being self-pitying and dramatic all the time. Though I know she may seem a little shallow to you, I promise she wasn't. Andie was just honest. At times, I'll grant she can get a little too down, but I had to hand it to the girl. She was under almost as much pressure as me and I suppose that the attitude she had was just her way of dealing with it. Andie was one of the nicest people I knew. You just had to know how to look at her.

"Well, you can keep me company tonight, then," she said matter-of-factly.

"Oh, I can, can I?" I asked, amused.

"Uh-huh. Well, what else are you going to do? Homework? Argue with Troy? Or maybe you'd like to spend some quality time with Trixie?" Andie said brightly and I narrowed my eyes playfully.

"Whatever. But I am not going to the kitchens. Not again, not after last time," I said darkly, standing up and pulling my bag with me.

"Where are you going?" Andie whined.

"Class. You know, those things you're supposed to attend in order to receive an education?" I remarked seriously.

"Yeah, I never really understood all that," she said distastefully.

"Wait, aren't you in my Potions class?" I asked as an afterthought. She looked up at me before putting her hand to her mouth.

"-cough-, -cough- I'm sick." she said feebly.

"Andie," I snapped warningly.

"Ah! God! I'm coming, I'm coming."

* * *

As we walked into the potions lab about ten minutes later, I couldn't stop the corners of my mouth from twitching as I took in the sight of James at our desk.

James Potter was the Quidditch captain for Gryffindor and he was... shall we use the word 'committed'? The next day would be the first Quidditch match of the season. Not only that, it was Gryffindor versus Slytherin. Needless to say, there had been countless hexes thrown back and forth across the corridors all week and constant taunts from both sides. The tension between the rival houses was thicker than normal, and that was saying something.

It was an odd thing to watch James change over the course of the past month. It started with careless assumptions that Gryffindor would obviously win. As the weeks went on, I saw steely determination. At the start of the week leading up to the match, he would sit at our desk and be writing little practice plans, muttering to himself all the while. Now, however, we had entered a different phase. The stress he put himself under was quite evident.

His trademark messy hair looked as though there was some kind of bird living in it. His eyes, though wide awake, seemed tired. I shook my head amused at the lengths some people went for the sake of a sport.

"Good morning, James," I said cautiously, well aware of how wired he could get. James and I, although we never spoke outside of class, did get on fairly well in it. I had tried to separate myself from him but... like I said, if it was just in class, I saw no threat.

"Veronica," he acknowledged with a nod as I took my seat. I had to stifle a burst of laughter at the formality.

"How's the practicing going?" I asked pleasantly.

"Brilliantly," James replied sarcastically. "Couldn't be better. Seeker's gone crazy, my beaters aren't speaking to each other, and..." James took a breath and closed his eyes. I swear his glasses were steaming up.

"James, it's going to be fine. From what I've seen, everyone seems to be in good form," I soothed. I had no clue about the game, but I may as well try and bring some comfort.

"Yeah, but that's not the problem," James hissed, glaring straight ahead. "I know they can all play when they try, but bloody Sirius had to go and make it all bloody personal," he seethed.

_Be calm, just don't react._

"I mean, how stupid is he?!" James muttered angrily, seemingly forgetting I was there. "Breaking up with Carle, two days before the match!" He continued to ramble on under his breath long after Slughorn came in. I didn't want to hear it, so I was fighting to block it out.

I am assuming you have noticed I haven't spoken about Sirius yet. I haven't even mentioned him. Make no mistake, this was very intentional. Since our conversation a month ago, I had been doing my best not to think about him. I can say it has been easier than I thought, for he kept his promise and has made no contact at all. He's stopped talking to me and staring at me. There were little occasions in which I would receive a cold look or hard eyes, but no more than that.

Sirius had grown slightly reckless, shall we say. In the past month alone, he had worked his way through three girlfriends and was currently on his fourth. He had been getting detentions left, right, and centre. From what I'd heard, he'd gotten himself into quite a few fights. Carle Hamilton, the girl whom James was referring to, was a chaser on the Quidditch team. A few days ago, Sirius very publicly broke up with her, not that anyone was very surprised, and swiftly moved on to someone who was allegedly her friend. Hence the drama. Sirius himself was on the team as a beater. He made another public display by breaking Damon McLaggen's nose for no apparent reason.

What I was shocked at was how no one seemed very concerned by all this. In fact, according to Andie, he's always been like this. It was the past few months that were abnormality, and everyone put that down to what happened in the summer holidays. They all assumed that since he ran away from home, he's calmed down a little bit.

I'm not really sure what else I'm supposed to say. He had done what I asked and things had returned to normal.

_Then why do you feel so guilty?_

I closed my eyes, taking a shaky breath. No. I wouldn't do this again. This past month I had gotten back to what I was supposed to be. Everything was back on track. I wasn't going to let it all fall to pieces again.

I reopened my eyes. "James!" I said suddenly, grabbing his hand before he poured in an ingredient that was likely to cause an explosion. "Maybe you should let me handle the potion today," I continued calmly, gently taking his hand back and glancing up to the board to see what we were actually supposed to be doing.

James made a gruff noise in response before sulking back on his stool and crossing his arms. For a good ten minutes, he sat there whilst I tried to repair the damage he had made. He just glared at the bubbling cauldron.

"I just don't know what's wrong," he seethed, and I cast my eyes back to him.

"What do you mean?" I asked. For the first time, I actually saw him in some real distress, which was unusual. James Potter just wasn't one to take things seriously. Apart from Quidditch, apparently.

"I mean... I don't know how to calm him down, Ron. I've always known how to calm him down. Even when he ran away, I always..." James made a noise of frustration. "It's not even just about the game. There's something wrong and not even Moony knows what it is. How the hell am I supposed to fix it if--" James stopped again, his jaw tight and his eyes hard on the shelves of ingredients.

It was one of those moments in life where you get one of those odd mixed feelings. I felt kind of... confused as to why James was speaking to me about this, and tremendously guilty because (I don't want to sound too conceited, but) I had hunch I had caused all this. Then there was this other weird little emotion. I found it incredibly sweet that the Marauders really were that close. That James and Remus really were genuinely worried about their friend and it wasn't all just about Quidditch.

"Well, have you spoken to him?" I felt like a complete bitch for commenting on what was going on, because I felt like if I wasn't such a misleading hard-hearted cow, then none of this would be happening.

James didn't look at me and I doubt he heard my question, for a moment later he sighed as his eyes met mine.

"I don't know how to do all this. I mean, Moony's got another full moon coming up, Sirius has gone totally off the rails, and Peter's not speaking at all because every time he does, Sirius gets angry. We're all breaking apart, but all I know how to do is hold us together. I'm not cut out for this, Ron." The anger had totally gone from his voice. He was totally at his wits end. My heart just broke at seeing it.

"Sorry I'm unloading all of this onto you," he finished. "It's just because you know about the whole 'furry little problem' thing and, well, you're really the only girl I'm friends with so you know... sorry." James shook his head, obviously embarrassed about saying what he had and also probably feeling a little guilty at revealing so much to me.

"James, it's fine. I won't breathe a word to anyone, okay? Look, what you need to do is just try and clam down, yeah? I know it sounds stupid, but when you're not so stressed out, it all won't seem too bad. This thing with Sirius... he'll snap out of it soon. I'm sure he will. I mean, he's done this before, hasn't he? People have said he goes off on one all the time, but he always calms down eventually. Look, I'm not going to preach to you. You're his best friend and you know him better, but from what I've seen, I think he just has to get something out of his system. I know I'm not much help, but I think you're just going to have to wait it out," I said apologetically, knowing I wasn't being of much use.

_How the fuck has all of this gotten so bloody twisted._

"Yeah," James nodded. "Yeah, he'll snap out of it." he said, almost to himself. "Or if he doesn't, I'll just get him drunk and force him to tell me what's wrong," he added as an afterthought, making me laugh.

_Actually kind of not funny because then James would find out why he was really so pissed off._

_Okay, bad plan._

"If it makes you feel any better, the Slytherin team is really bad right now," I said brightly.

"Really?" James asked, perking up ever so slightly. "Or are you just saying that to make me feel better?" he frowned.

"No, no, really! they aren't doing too well. Troy's still recovering so he's not as his best," I informed him. The whole school knew of my brother's 'ill health.' Of course, none of them knew what had really happened. However, it was true: Troy was still getting over the attack. Even after all this time, his nerves were a little... off.

Oh, and there's the aching guilt again.

_Calm, calm, everything's fine. Don't stress._

My new mantra. Like it? Yeah, I'm living by it now. It's kind of working, too, which is always good.

"Potter, Phoenix, where is your potion?" Slughorn came over to our desk, his walrus moustache twitching.

"Eh..."

"You see, Professor..."

"20 points from Gryffindor." He tutted. "Honestly, I expected better from you, Phoenix," he said disappointedly.

"He only did that because he knows we're going to thrash his team tomorrow," James said, smirking as Slughorn waddled away. I smiled at James but what I was really doing was trying to ignore the urge to turn around and look at the person I knew was glaring at me.

* * *

I silently thanked the powers that be as I walked into DADA, the last lesson of the day. Education, though brilliant in some ways, could become unbearably tedious at times. I walked down the aisle and ignored the tiny little nerves that jumped as I approached where Lily sat. I took the seat beside her and, like I did three times a week for the past four weeks, I took my books out in silence and fought to ignore the tension between us.

Lily and I had barely spoken since my brutal dismissal. Lily being Lily, she was incredibly stubborn in her justified anger towards me. I had made a decision that I couldn't express my sincere apology for what had happened.

_You can bear a bit of tension for the sake of her safety._

I couldn't allow myself to once again resume a friendship with her. Not now that Tudor knew.

We sat in a very terse silence as the rest of our classmates took their seats. The room finally hushed when our professor finally spoke.

"Good afternoon, everyone. Today we will be continuing our work on the art of duelling. However, I am afraid this week will not be a practical lesson and therefore" --- he raised his voice over the rippling sound of disappointment through the class ---"therefore wands away, please!"

"Thank you," Professor Smith continued calmly as everyone settled themselves. "Today, we shall be covering a topic that is rarely taught in schools, but I think it's a vital one. After a discussion with the headmaster, we have agreed that it is important enough to cover for at least one lesson. I would like to inform you of an etiquette of sorts. Guidelines to follow when you are in a duel."

_What? The man is mad. Guidelines? What the hell is he on about guidelines? Overthrow your opponent, that's all you need to bloody know in a duel._

I wasn't the only person in my class who felt sceptical of our teacher's suggestion. There was a murmur of confusion and a few raised hands.

"Now I know this to be an unusual topic, but like I say, I believe it to be an important one and---" His eyes cast over to my side of the room. "Yes, Miss Evans?"

I knew the professor had only singled her out because she was most likely to shine some sensibility on the event and then the class would understand without him having to explain it.

"Sir, I'm not sure I understand exactly what you mean by etiquette. Are you referring to things such as never cursing an opponent when their back is turned, or are you referring to something different?" Lily asked, frowning. I noticed immediately now that I looked at her that her tone was... different.

"No, Miss Evans, thank you, that is precisely what I mean. Little rules just like---"

Lily cut him off. "That's not etiquette at all, sir, that's merely morality. Are you trying to tell us you're going to waste a lesson on trying to teach a class of children morality? I don't really think that is your place, sir."

I think we can safely say I was not the only one in the room who was shocked by what Lily, the prefect, was saying to our teacher.

"Miss Evans--"

Again she cut him off. "The entire notion of any duelling etiquette existing at all is preposterous. If someone has seen fit to raise their wand at you and is battling to cause you harm, then why on earth are you expected to show manners when one wrong move could be your last?" Lily asked, looking at Smith in disbelief.

He seemed just as surprised as the rest of us. "Miss Evans, this was aimed at competitive duelling, not battle---"

Yet again, she would not let him speak. Her words were fuelled by irritation at him. "This class isn't aimed at competitive duelling, sir, it's called _Defence_ Against the Dark Arts. I highly doubt someone throwing spells of dark magic at us will be doing it for a friendly sport. Perhaps you should teach us something we can use in the real world, instead of filling our heads with notions of 'etiquette'," Lily snapped before quickly standing up and storming out of the classroom, leaving a silence in her wake.

It took me a moment to realize I had almost stood up and gone after her, but I steadied myself, reigning in control. However, I could not stop the concern I felt at her outburst. I think we all knew it had nothing to do with the lesson, and I was greatly concerned as to what made her so upset.

"PMS..." I heard McLaggen mutter across from me. I almost lashed out at him, but instead I merely glared, crossing my arms so as to stop myself from either getting up or hitting him.

"Okay, class, please get your books out. We will be using Defending Against the Dark Artsas a reference today," Smith said sharply, cutting through the thick atmosphere of the room. I felt mildly irritated that he was just glossing over Lily's outcry, but I kept my tongue between my teeth and did what was required of me. Every so often, I was not able to help myself and threw uneasy glances at the door Lily had left through.

**I'll upload the next part to this one soon :) **

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	29. Bathing In The Aftermath Part 2

**Hey I promised to upload tonight and here we are. I also just wanted to say that it might take a while for my next update. I'm in the middle of exams right now and they're really important so I'm having to spend most of my spare time revising. Sorry if your eyes are rolling right now, I know I keep calling time on this story but things keep coming up, sorry :(**

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**Enjoy!**

------------ 50 minutes later ------------

"Can you leave your essays on my desk before you leave, please?" Smith shouted over the scraping of chairs as the room came alive after the bell sounded. I looked over to Lily's desk and saw her stuff still there, so I packed her books into her bag and stood up, trying to stay as calm as possible. I felt very worried and was relieved class was over, for I had decided I needed to go and speak to Lily.

_Not the best idea..._

I cursed my common sense, but still ignored it.

"Did you see her? Flouncing off all dramatically? Talk about a cry for attention. That girl just needs to learn that she can't be the best at everything. I mean, let's face it. We all knew James was going to go off her one day. That's assuming he ever even liked her in the first place. Maybe he was just having a laugh... I know what I think, though," I heard one of my dorm mates crystal chambers say to another dorm mate Stacey Connor.

_Listening to a whore doesn't do much for my stress levels._

"Do you remember earlier this week when we were in the common room and you and Sirius were speaking and then you got dizzy? Well, I think she must have seen James with his arm around you, and---"

"Oh my God, you're so right! She's been a complete bitch since then---"

"Whereas you've been a bitch your entire life," I muttered darkly.

"I'm sorry, what did you just call me?" Crystal asked from behind me. I noticed the room was practically empty now, save for a few students and Crystal's little minions dotted around the place. I turned to her at the back of the classroom where she stood and placed the bags I held onto the desk.

"I called you a bitch," I repeated clearly, looking her in the eye.

Her lip curled and she glared. "You should really watch your mouth when you speak to me." Crystal pursed her lips after she spoke.

I just couldn't help but to laugh. "I'm sorry, is that an attempt at a threat, Crystal?" I asked, turning to her fully, amused at her words. Oh, the girl was punching above her weight today. "Pray tell what it is you're going to do to me if I speak out of turn again?" I asked.

_Oh go on, I really need a laugh._

"Oh, you'll see."

_Oh my God, was that it?_

"Okay then," I remarked amusedly before walking over to her at the back of the room. "I think you're a bitch. Oh, and a bit of a whore, come to that," I added as an afterthought, looking her straight in the eye. Her jaw tightened but she didn't move. "Well, go on then? Show me what you're going to do?" I taunted.

I saw the hesitation in her icy blue eyes. A few moments passed in which nothing happened. I sighed, actually feeling a little disappointed. "You shouldn't make a threat if you can't see it through, dear. It shows a pathetic weakness of character," I said coldly, slowly losing the little respect I had had for Crystal Chambers.

Still nothing. Not even a bitchy remark. "Wow. You know, I've never liked you, but I at least had a little respect for you. I thought you would be able to hold your ground." I tutted, "Such a shame," and sighed before walking back down the aisle and collecting the book bags off the table. I turned to see her reaching in her cloak with a look of confusion.

"You need to pay attention in class. It isn't polite to curse someone when their back is turned," I remarked coldly, placing her wand on the desk and giving her a frosty look.

It really, really pissed me off that she waited until I wasn't facing her to try and get me when she had me standing right in front of her. Yet she didn't even speak a word.

_Bitch needs to get some self respect._

I shook my head as I walked out of the classroom and cast my eyes up and down the busy halls as everyone spilled from their last lessons. I started walking to Gryffindor tower in hopes of seeing Lily there, but when I finally arrived, I couldn't find her. I put my bags on my bed and decided that I should go and look in the library. She went there a lot, after all.

As you well know, patience wasn't my strong point. Trying to get through large crowds of teenagers was stressing me out. I finally ducked into the library, casting my eyes around the light-filled room. It was quite busy today, so I knew that if Lily was in here, I probably had little chance of finding her.

As I looked around a corner, I took a quick intake of breath when I bumped into a very solid figure. "Oh, I'm sorry. Are you all right?" I heard a worried voice say. Someone held my arms to stop me from falling back.

"How about in future you watch where--- oh, hi Ted," I said, cutting my cold bitchiness short and smiling at Ted Tonks.

"Hi, sorry about that," Ted replied apologetically.

Andie's "secret boyfriend" and I hadn't had much interaction, but I had come to know Ted to be a very nice guy.

"No, don't worry about it. It was my fault anyway," I dismissed before noticing the table of books behind him. "Studying?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Like you wouldn't believe," he said rolling his eyes.

"You haven't seen Lily Evans, have you?" I asked hopefully.

"The redhead, right?"

"Yeah, did she pass by?"

"She was in here a bit back actually. Left quite a while ago, though," Ted told me.

"Don't happen to know where she went, do you?" I asked.

"Afraid not," he responded apologetically.

"Ah, don't worry. Worth a try though, right?" I joked half-heartedly.

"Nothing wrong, is it?" he asked and I noted he showed concern.

_Aww, he is so nice._

"No, nothing to worry about. Thanks anyway, Ted. Have fun with your studying," I said with a smile.

"Oh yeah, I'm going to have a great time," He muttered sarcastically. I laughed as I walked away, but the smile slipped off my face as I came out of the library and heard a voice call to me.

"Oi! Goldilocks!" I heard him yell. I rolled my eyes.

_Be calm, don't stress._

"What do you want?" I snapped, not turning around and just waiting for him to catch up to me.

"Well, good afternoon to you too, sis. My God, someone's moody," Troy taunted. I gritted my teeth.

_Ignore him, be calm._

"What is it, Troy?" I said sharply.

"Need a favor," came the reply.

I stopped dead, turning around to him. "A favor? You want me to do something that would help you?" I asked slowly.

"Well, funnily enough, that is how favors work, Vonnie." Troy smiled.

"Have you lost your mind?" I asked in disbelief. "Why would I help _you_ with anything?"

"You kinda owe me Goldie, you know, after torturing me and that."

"I DID NOT---" I looked around me to see people staring, so I lowered my voice. "I did not torture you. Besides, like you well know, you've done far worse to me." I glared bitterly.

Troy had gotten out of the hospital wing merely days after I visited him. Although he had been weak at first, he was practically fine now.

I was severely unsettled though. A month has passed and he made no move to try and harm me at all. This was extremely unlike him, and I had grown very cautious when he was around.

"Uh huh." He nodded "Yeah, 'course I have. Anyway, back to the favor," he said brightly.

This must seem weird to you, but like you know already, Troy was severely unhinged. I expected nothing less that this type of behaviour. Glaring hatefully one minute, taunting spitefully the next to... whatever you want to call _this._

"What do you want?"

"You're in Gryffindor, so you have access to Potter and his entire team. Now, word is there's some drama going down and I want to---"

"Are you seriously talking to me about Quidditch?" I asked incredulously. "Ah, Quidditch, Quidditch, I'm so sick of hearing about it!" I said, frustrated, as I carried on walking.

"Well, that's nice, Von. But as you know, I'm the Slytherin Captain. There isn't a chance in hell I am going to lose to Gryffindor, and you're going to help me to prove your loyalty."

"Loyalty?"

"To the family."

I looked at him in complete disbelief. "How the hell does helping you cheat prove my loyalty to the family?! Argh, you say the most ridiculous things sometime." I walked up the stairs and entered the entrance hall.

"It proves you care more for your brother than your traitor house. That's how, Von," Troy retorted with a glare.

"Troy, I probably do care more for Gryffindor than I do for you. In fact, I probably care more for that statue than I do for you. I will not help you cheat and I will not let you start this 'I owe you' idiocy. Now, is there anything else? I'm a little busy right now," I snapped at him.

Troy rolled his eyes at me in frustration. "I am totally going to tell Tudor you just said all that." He glared.

Oh my God, what was he? A thirteen year old girl or something?!

"What is wrong with you recently?!" I asked with a confused look. "You're acting very... oddly." I crossed my arms.

Wow. Literally within a few seconds his entire posture tensed. He looked at me with a very sadistic gaze. Fuck, that was a quick change.

"You just have to make things difficult, don't you?" he said darkly and I saw a muscle jump in his jaw. He turned ridiculously quickly and was gone down to the dungeons before I could even frown.

.....

.....

_Okay, seriously, what the hell was that about?_

I didn't even mean it in a funny way; I was actually genuinely unnerved. There seemed to be something up with Troy recently. In fact, there seemed to be something up with both my brothers...

_Don't get involved. Don't drag yourself into it._

Okay. I closed my eyes and I took a breath, throwing away the unease Troy had bestowed on me. A few moments later, I opened my eyes and tried to remember what I was doing. Then,

_Lily._

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

I opened the door to the dorm and cast my eyes around, frowning when I couldn't see anyone. "Lily?" I called, just to be sure, and my head snapped to the bathroom door when I heard someone move.

"Lily?" I said again, knocking softly on the wood. I heard something that sounded similar to sniffing and my concern grew.

"Lily, is that you?" I asked, getting worried.

"Just go away, Veronica," I heard her snap at me.

"Lily, are you okay?"

"Oh, just leave me alone!" she shouted. I could tell she had been crying.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong," I said firmly and pulled down the handle to the bathroom, opening the door. Once inside, I saw her sitting on the floor, leaning against the bath tub, her eyes red raw and her legs pulled up to her chest.

"Does 'go away' mean anything to you?" she snapped angrily, wiping her eyes again.

I closed the door behind me and went over to where she sat, joining her on the floor but making sure to keep my distance. I really hated seeing her like this.

"I was worried after you left," I said after a moment of silence.

"Why? You've made it quite evident that you couldn't care less about me. So why the hell are you even here pretending you're nice all of a sudden?" She glared viciously at the wall.

"Okay, I deserve that," I said calmly.

"Oh, that's nothing. You're lucky I'm upset, or you wouldn't be getting off so lightly," she continued, more tears spilling out of her eyes.

"Lily," I said softly, reaching out a hand to place gently on her arm, only for her to flinch away from me.

"Don't." It stung.

_You deserve it._

"I'm sorry." The apology slipped off my tongue before I could stop it, and once those words were said, the rest just seemed to flow. My resolve smashed. "What I said to you... I really didn't mean to be so harsh," I insisted. "Sometimes I just lash out. I say things I don't mean. I'm so sorry you had to be on the receiving end of one of my bitch fits," I apologized again, really meaning every word, which was a rarity for me.

Lily glanced at me from the corner of her eye before swallowing thickly. "I really didn't think Sev would say anything about us." She started sobbing.

"Oh Lils, come here," I said pulling her towards me and wrapping my arms around her shoulder. She didn't resist this time; instead, she hugged me back and started to cry even harder. It was so horrible to see her like this, but even though I knew I hadn't helped, it wasn't about me. Something else was wrong.

"Lily, what's wrong? Please tell me what's happened. Has someone said something? Are you ill, are you hurt? I'm not a mind reader, babe. I'm going to need a little bit of help here," I joked lightly. She pulled away and I brushed back her hair so she could see me.

"I'm being so stupid. It --- it doesn't even matter." She shook her head as I rubbed her tears away with my thumbs.

"Of course it matters, Lily. Just tell me. Who knows, maybe I can help," I said softly.

"No... it's... Oh, I'm being pathetic." She pulled away and sat up, trying to get herself together.

"Lil," I said firmly.

She sighed. "I got this letter from my sister... oh, it doesn't matter. It's stupid."

"What did it say, Lily?" I asked.

"Oh Ron, we used to be so close. She's my sister, for God's sake. I love her so much and she just --- she can't bear to even look at me anymore," Lily told me, tears coming down her face again. I placed my hand over hers. "Severus, he was the one that told me, you know. He was the one that told me I had magic. Petunia and I had been best friends, but when she turned her back on me, Sev was there. He was here at school and when I went home, I could always go to him when things got tough with my sister. And now... I don't even know who he is anymore." Lily's voice broke as she said the last bit. "He's turned into something so twisted and so dark that I can't --- and yet I feel so guilty because I feel like I'm letting him down by turning my back on him but I just... I can't do it anymore," she sobbed and I moved closer still, wrapping an arm around her. She rested her head into my shoulder as she cried.

"I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I'm just --- People constantly expect something from me: to be the best in class or to be the sensible one or to be the strong one. My parents think I'm perfect, my sister hates me, and my best friend... you know, it's almost like he's turned on me. He's gone down this road and I can't follow him. It was only after I realized all this that I noticed how he'd... controlled everything. I mean, all the friends I had besides him weren't real friends because they never really knew... He made sure of that, Ron. He made sure I didn't open up to anyone else and now... I've been feeling so lonely because there hasn't been one single person whom I could turn to." She continued to sob. I swear to Merlin, my heart ached as her tears soaked me.

I just felt so, so guilty that she had to go through all of this on her own whilst I was busy 'doing the right thing'. I was so saddened that she felt like this because Lily really was one of the nicest people I knew. I couldn't believe there were people like her sister who couldn't see that.

"You've got me again," I whispered over her shoulder. "I mean, I'm pretty fucked up, and I can't promise I won't have my bitch moments, but I can guarantee I'll always be here from now on. And I won't judge or brush it under the carpet, okay? If you need to speak to someone or just need a hug or something, then you've got me," I said. I'll always remember that moment as the one I made a silent promise to Lily that I wasn't going to turn my back on her ever again.

It was a full five minutes later that she eventually sat up on her own. She wiped her damp cheeks and said, "I could really do with some chocolate right now." She smiled in a watery way.

"That," I replied, standing up, "is something I can arrange." I walked quickly through our dorm and rummaged around in my trunk for a few minutes until I found what I was looking for. I returned to the bathroom floor.

"Where did you get all that?" Lily asked, bemused at the large chocolate bar I was currently unwrapping.

"Never you mind. All you need to know is that it's caramel centered and made in heaven. Trust me, it'll make you feel better," I said warmly, snapping the chocolate bar and offering Lily the big bit.

As we munched on the chocolate, it took me a minute to think of something to cheer both of us up.

_I refuse to turn into one of those girls who just eat chocolate when they're stressed._

We needed to have some fun or...

"Right, I have a plan," I said suddenly in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Oh, really?" Lily asked through a mouthful of chocolate. "This is really great chocolate, by the way." She pointed at her piece.

"It's amazing on so many levels, I can't even count them --- but anyway, the plan," I said, trying to focus. "You see, Andie --- wait you know Andie, right?" I asked.

"Andromeda Black?" Lily questioned.

"Yeah. Well, I said I'd do something with her tonight because she's really stressed, even though she wont admit it. And clearly, you're not carefree either. You know what? I'm really stressed, too. So I have come up with a plan for all of us. What do three girls do when they're stressed?"

"Eat chocolate and watch movies," Lily suggested.

I made a face. "Eh, no. They get drunk, Lily." I informed her.

Lily's eyes went wide. "Ronnie, no, no, we can't. If I get caught---"

"Lily," I cut in firmly, "since I have gotten here I have been so boring it's ridiculous. I demand we do this, even if it's just for me to recover my sense of fun." I shrugged. "And I promise we won't get caught."

"Oh, right, just like we wouldn't get caught the last time you had one of your bright ideas?" she said snugly referring to our previous escapade which ended up with me yelling at Minerva. Not my finest moment.

"I got us out of it, didn't I?" I reminded, wide-eyed. "Did I or did I not fix it?"

Lily laughed. "Yeah, you did."

"Well then," I ended matter-of-factly, getting up and returning to the dorm room with Lily following me.

"Okay then. Let's say for a moment that I agree to this. How exactly do you plan on getting alcohol?" Lily asked. I was happy to see that she was smiling now.

"Like this!" I exclaimed, pulling out a bag of Galleons. "You know, it's so stupid that my mother gives me this money 'in case I run out of clothes' when she sends me with so many clothes in the first place that I don't even wear half of them. Even if I did want to buy something else, the only place I could buy it from would be Hogsmeade. If I ever bought anything from there, she'd turn her nose up at it. So really, it's all kinda pointless, isn't it?" I rambled. Chocolate is never a good idea with me. I have the sugar tolerance of a toddler.

"Okay, Ronnie, I haven't got a clue what you're talking about." Lily said, amused. "I'm assuming that's money you've got, but I still don't see how this solves the alcohol problem."

"Well, the way I look at it, we have two options. One: we find 'the guy' and buy it from him or---"

"Wait a minute, who's 'the guy'?"

"You know, 'the guy'. Every school has one. The supplier. The dealer. Okay, maybe not dealer, that sounds too dramatic. But you get what I mean." I waved my hand nonchalantly.

"What do you mean, 'the supplier'?" Lily looked even more confused.

"The supplier of alcohol, cigarettes, tobacco, skins, maybe harder stuff if you're into that," I said like it was obvious.

"I don't think Hogwarts has one of those, Ronnie," Lily voiced her doubts.

"Oh, I promise you, it does. Probably some overly cocky seventh year or something. But anyway, that's not the point. Back to the plan. Option two, which seems most likely since I don't really fancy staying in Hogwarts right now: we go to Hogsmeade, get Andie to buy some with this" --- I motioned to the money --- "since she's of age, and then we drown our sorrows. But stop planning this out, Lily. The whole point is, we're supposed to be de-stressing. No stress allowed!" I finished.

See what sugar does to me? It's not good.

Lily hesitated for a moment before looking up at me. "You're a bad influence, you know," she stated with a smile. I could tell this was her way of agreeing.

"I know, now get your coat," I ordered, actually feeling a little excited about the night ahead. I really, really needed some fun. Hell, we all did.

………………………………………………………………………………………

**No idea when my next update will be but I'll do my best to get it out as quick as possible :)**

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	30. Irrevocably Unlocked

**Okay now I want to apologize if this chapter seems a tad rushed. Its done in the style or her being a little drunk so there's a lot of gaps where she's not very clear on what happened, I'm not just randomly jumping even though it may seem like that :)**

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**Enjoy!**

"Andie's lovely. I promise you'll get on great," I assured Lily as we stood in the rarely-used fourth floor corridor.

Lily had, of course, relented in the end. I had swiftly sent Andie a message to meet me in the corridor Lily and I were now waiting in. However, Lily wasn't entirely convinced that an evening spent with a notorious pureblood ice queen was best suited to her.

"She just doesn't strike me as someone who'd want to spend time with... someone like me," Lily said delicately.

"She isn't like that, Lily. There was a time when - she's not anymore, though. Oh, I should have been a bit more sensitive toward this, shouldn't I have? She didn't ever give you a hard time or anything, did she?" I asked tentatively, becoming increasingly aware of the awkward situation I might have just created.

"Oh no! No, nothing like that. It's just the impression I get from her. She doesn't seem very welcoming, is all," Lily seemed apologetic about saying this to me.

I knew it was an odd time to feel it, but I was just so relieved that Lily and I were friends again. I was so comforted to know I had _this _back. I had missed Lily.

"I know it might seem like that, Lily, but... Look, just trust me, okay? I give you my word she isn't what she seems. She just has had to appear a certain way," I promised sincerely.

"Like you, you mean?" Lily asked, leaning against the wall beside me.

I smiled and nodded. "Yeah, a bit like me."

"By the way, isn't it a bit risky to be out together so publicly? I mean, I'm assuming things are still... strained in that area?" Lily asked.

"Yeah, you could say that," I said, looking down. I hadn't missed the guilt I felt when it came to avoiding Lily in public. "But don't worry. Tudor will be trying to stop Troy from going and assassinating James right now and everyone else is going to feel the pre-match angst, so there's no big problem." I smiled. When I heard someone come around the corner, I turned.

"Why the hell are we meeting on a fourth floor corridor? What are we going to do, play chess on the floor?" Andie asked incredulously, making her way towards us. "Oh, hello," she said to Lily when she saw her. "I guess you made up, then?" she asked me, and to Lily: "I hope she said sorry and that she was a complete bitch to you. I hope you made her beg." She gave a wide smile.

"Oh, that's nice." I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, Andie this is Lily, Lily this is Andie. Andie's a bit of a drama queen and can be a bit outspoken at times. Lily's stressed out and we're going to cheer her up," I explained to them both.

"Okay, firstly I am not a drama queen, and secondly, how exactly are we going to cheer Lily up?" Andie asked, crossing her arms and looking at me. Almost instantly, she had accepted Lily. Although I had known she would, I still felt a little rush of gratitude towards her. Instead of being all cautious, Andie dived right in there with her blown personality. I respected that.

"Well, the way I look at it, we all need a break. I'll ask you what I asked Lily: what do you do when you've got three very stressed girls?" I hoped for the right answer.

"Cake," Andie answered and I rolled my eyes.

"That's exactly what I said! Although I may have said chocolate. But you get what I mean," Lily said, giving me a look that said 'see'. Behind my irritation, I was happy Lily wasn't knocked back by Andie's bluntness.

"What is wrong with you two? Cake and chocolate? What we need is hard liquor, not threats of obesity," I insisted.

"Hard liquor? Why, Miss Phoenix, are you planning on getting us drunk?" Andie gasped in mock appal.

"Ronnie's got it into her head that we should go to Hogsmeade, get you to buy some Firewhiskey or something, and then drown or sorrows," Lily informed her.

"Hogsmeade? You know it's getting near curfew, right?"

"That's _also_ what I said." Oh, Lily was loving this, wasn't she.

"There are ways-"

"And let's say we do get to Hogsmeade. Where is it that you plan on drowning your sorrows? We can't go to the Three Broomsticks and there isn't a hope in hell that I'm going near the Hog's Head. Also, if you haven't noticed, it's November, so it's freezing outside."

I frowned. "I was being impulsive. I was trying to be spontaneous, I suppose. I just won't bother in future." I crossed my arms.

"Oh, don't get sulky! I was only joking. But seriously, Ron, where do you plan on going?"

Andie was being all reasonable and I didn't like it. Then again, I wasn't exactly in the mood for cold weather.

"Anyone want to hear my plan?" Lily interjected, putting her hand up slightly between us.

"Go for it, Red." Andie agreed.

Lily smiled slightly. "Well, why don't we just stay here? I know this room we could go to called the Room of Requirement. No one would see us there," she reasoned.

"I vote Lily's plan."

"But I wanted to be numb! Éclairs can only get you so far, you know," I said, feeling like stamping my feet.

_Have you seen yourself? Get a grip, Veronica._

I swear that voice sounded like my mother sometimes.

"Ah, well, I have a solution to that, dearies. I'll tell you what, why don't you and Miss Moody here get down to the kitchens and get us some comfort food whilst I go and grant Ronnie's little wish," Andie said to Lily.

_Who was she calling Miss Moody?_

"Okay, that sounds like a plan. Do you want to just meet us there when you're done doing whatever it is you're doing?" Lily asked, clearly happy we had some kind of plan to follow now. The control freak in me wasn't pleased, but a larger part of me was feeling very warm that Lily and Andie seemed to be getting along so well.

"See you there in a bit," Andie said before leaving the hall, disappearing off somewhere.

"Come on, Miss Moody, down to the kitchens," Lily joked.

"Oh, hardy har har," I replied sarcastically. She merely laughed at me.

………………………………………………………………………………………

"Do you think we got enough?" Lily asked, sarcasm dripping from her voice as we stumbled up a flight of stairs, arms laden with cakes and sweets.

"Well, those house elves were very giving. Who am I to refuse people who squeak that much?" I countered, trying to balance a carrot cake (my favourite) and a bowl of cashew nuts (Andie's favourite) in one arm while pushing a trolley laden with puddings and drinks with the other. And don't even get me started on what Lily was carrying.

"Where do you think Andie went?" Lily asked curiously, somehow doing better at balancing than I was. Years of ballet? Where did that go?

"To get some form of alcohol, I hope."

"What is your obsession with getting drunk tonight? Wouldn't a few liquorice wands ease you just as much?" Lily raised an eyebrow.

I blinked at her. "Eh, no. I want numbness, Lily, and I want it now."

_Again with sounding like a child. It's becoming a theme with you, isn't it?_

"Oh, come on, Lils, it will be fun," I smiled, trying to get enthusiastic again.

"If you say so." Lily laughed.

"Oh, there you two are - Wow, do you think you got enough food?" Andie exclaimed as we approached her down the corridor.

"Can't say no to house elves," I sung back to her as she relieved us of some of the food.

"Of course you can't, that would be rude. Anyway, look what I got for us." Andie gestured to a bottle of Firewhiskey in her hand.

"That's it, I officially love you now," I declared.

"Where did you get that from?" Lily asked.

"Matthew Wainwright. His parents own a pub, so he always has a supply," Andie informed us.

"The Ravenclaw? I should report this, you know..." Lily said, chewing on her lip as she stared at the bottle.

"Lily, how dare you suggest such a thing. I demand you extinguish any thoughts of a prefect mentality and instead put your head of friendship on. I need this. You need this. Andie needs this. Like I said, fun!" It wasn't even about fun anymore. I just wanted to feel numb. I wanted not to care for just one night. I needed just one night.

"Lily, where's this room you were talking about?" Andie asked, looking up and down the doorless stretch of wall we stood in front of.

"Watch and see." Lily smiled and started to pace.

_Have I missed something?_

__It seemed not, though, because Andie and I shared a look that showed me she was just as confused as I was.

"Lily, what are you...?" Andie trailed off as we both saw a door appear behind our red-headed friend. "Wow, nicely done." Andie smirked.

"That leads to the Room of Requirement?" I asked, impressed by the old oak door that had appeared in front of us.

"I found it when I was with you. You remember when we trying to get away from Filch a few months ago? And we hid it that broom cupboard? That was the Room of Requirement," Lily informed me.

I frowned. "Lily, are you trying to say the Room of Requirement is a closet? We won't even be able to stand in there, let alone do anything else," I said, confused.

"Wait." Lily smiled, pulling down the door handle and opening it up to us.

Beauxbatons was a good school, magical and beautiful, but I can honestly say that I had never seen it have a room that changed like this one seemingly had. When Lily opened the door, we found ourselves walking into a cosy, sky blue coloured room with three very squishy sofa chairs around a small tea table in the centre. Each chair was furnished with fluffy scatter cushions and a few blankets arrayed the floor around the wooden table. Multi-coloured pygmy lights lined the walls. It all looked very welcoming.

"Good enough for me," Andie asserted, moving into the room and taking a seat at one of the squishy chairs.

"I'm suitably impressed, Lils." I put the sweets onto the wooden table.

"As you should be," Lily said seriously, making me smile.

"Right, I think we should play a game!" Andie said almost immediately after we had both sat down.

"A game?"

"I am not playing truth or dare, Andromeda," I said, knowing where this was headed.

"Oh, don't be a killjoy! Lily, what do you think... truth or dare?" Andie said brightly.

"We're not ten." I rolled my eyes.

"It's a classic, Veronica. Don't start disrespecting a classic!" Andie cried dramatically. I shook my head with a smile.

"I think it could be fun."

I looked at Lily in shock.

"Yay!" Andie clapped her hands.

"Lily, not you too?" I said in mock despair.

"Oh, come on, Ron. Tell you what: why don't we make it so that every time we do a truth or a dare, we all have to do a shot? Would you play then?" Andie compromised.

"Yes. Yes I would."

"Lily?"

"I'm okay with that."

"Okay, then." Andie took three cups and tapped her wand to them. The mugs moulded slowly into three small shot glasses.

"Nicely done." I smirked.

"That's quite impressive, you know," Lily remarked. I smiled. Ever the intellectual was our Lily.

"Thank you, I know." And ever the modest was our Andie. "Okay, who wants to go first?"

"I'll go first," Lily piped up.

"Yay for Lily!" I cheered.

"Truth or dare? Oh, and just before we start, are you both okay with me casting this one spell?"

"What spell?"

"If you lie, your tongue goes purple." Andie grinned.

"Love it." I laughed "It's so nice to know you have such faith in us telling the truth."

"I feel so trusted," Lily joked.

"Well, say what you like, but I just cast it so-" She stuck out her tongue at us and I rolled my eyes with a smile.

"Lily, truth or dare?"

"Hmm... I'm going to start easy and go with truth." Lily picked up her shot glass and took a shot. A moment later she started coughing as the liquid went down her throat.

"You okay there, Evans?" Andie asked, trying not to smile.

"I'll be fine." Lily said, holding up a hand. "Wow, that is strong." She eyed the bottle on the table.

"Thank God," I muttered under my breath as Andie refilled the glass before the question was asked.

"Okay, so truth... Are you a virgin?"

I rolled my eyes. "What kind of question is that? The whole point of truth or dare is to find out things that you would never normally find out. That's a wasted truth! Boo!" I threw some chocolate drops at Andie.

"I am, yes," Lily answered with only the slightest blush to her cheeks.

"Tongue," I said. Andie and I both dropped our jaws as we saw it stained purple.

"Oh my God!"

"Oh, you little liar!"

"Is it purple?" Lily asked, frowning.

"As the rainbow."

"Firstly, that makes no sense. Secondly, Andie, did you cast the spell right?" I asked, confused, knowing that Lily was telling the truth.

"Actually, I think I know what this is," Lily said awkwardly, not meeting our eyes.

"I knew it!" Andie clicked her fingers.

"Well, well, well, it really is the quiet ones you have to watch out for, isn't it." I smiled, amused.

"I am a virgin, I swear, but there was this thing last year... I didn't actually have sex though, so it shouldn't count, should it?" Lily asked timidly.

"You must not be a virgin because that was the question and your tongue is plainly purple..."

"It's only purple because Lily feels she's being dishonest. Magic spells don't have morality rules, Andie," I reasoned. "You only lose your virginity when you have full blown intercourse, and Lily clearly just had a little fun." I smirked, revelling too much in this new fact.

"With whom?" Andie asked eagerly.

"He's called Callum Martin."

"The Hufflepuff? When was this?"

I alternately looked at them, confused. I had no idea whom they were talking about.

"Halloween ball last year." Lily had obviously become more comfortable with talking about this now, as the tint to her cheeks had lessened a lot.

_Or maybe the whiskey's kicking in..._

"You know what this means? This means that I am officially the most innocent person in this room," I said, smirking slightly at the revelation.

"Oh, here we go."

"You're seriously telling me that you've never done anything like that?" Lily asked, clearly not believing.

"Uh-uh. I'm as pure as they come." I smiled, showing my tongue just to prove my point.

"Wow, she's telling the truth. You know, that's weird. Let's face it, you're not exactly virginal, are you, Ron?"

"How dare you! I am as innocent as a daisy." I took hold of the shot glass in front of me and downed it, enjoying the burn it created. "Dare," I chose, slamming it back on the table.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

"That looks about right - whoops." Andie stumbled, slopping half the custard onto the floor.

"Oh well done - haha!" I burst out laughing at her mistake and tried my best not to stumble also as I moved forward to the staff table.

"Where's Filch? You would have thought he would have come by now," Lily said, a little too loudly.

"SHHHH!" Andie commanded with her finger to her lips. "He'll come if he hears you. I, for one, don't want to have to deal with him and his flea-ridden mongrel of an animal," she said in distaste.

"Okay, on three," I said, lurching slightly as I tried to stop.

"Three, okay." Andie nodded, readying the bowl.

"One-"

"Two-"

"THREE!" Andie threw the custard across the wooden surface. It began to drip down onto multiple chairs.

"Another dare completed by moi!"

The game was in full swing now. After multiple truths and dares, we were all a little... shall we say tipsy? Yes, I believe tipsy to be an accurate word for our state. So far, James Potter's broom had been stolen (Lily). That, by the way, had been ridiculously hard considering we had to get to his dorm without anyone seeing. Crystal Bitch Chambers had had her face cream spiked with yellow dye (Me) and Andie was currently sabotaging the staff table with a pot of custard.

Granted, it could have been worse.

"Right, who is it now?" Andie asked, wiping her hands against each other and swaying as she stood.

"Vonnie Bon," Lily said before she burst out laughing.

"Vonnie Bon?"

"Okay, I dare you-"

"Vonnie Bon?" I repeated, bewildered.

"-to-"

"VONNIE BON?" I shouted, increasingly confused by the whole situation.

"Shhh!" Andie insisted, clamping a hand over my mouth as Lily continued to laugh.

"Sorry... Ugh, my head is spinning." I shook my head slightly.

"Oh. I've got one!" Andie exclaimed. "I dare you to 'borrow' Hagrid's boat." She grinned.

"You want me to nick a boat?" I said, dead-panned.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Where is she?" I distantly heard Andie ask.

_Focus!_ I ordered myself, becoming increasingly frustrated with my inability to walk or, to be honest, even think straight.

"Andie, everything's spinning," I huffed.

"Well, that's what happens when you neck it like that, Vonnie Bon."

I made a face at her name. "Will people stop calling me that?"

"Wheres Lily?" Andie ignored me.

"I mean it's a silly name anyway..."

"Lily!"

"It makes no sense..."

"She was here a second ago..."

"Vonnie Bon..."

"What?"

"What are we saying?"

"I... I... I don't know. Ugh, I am so confused right now." I sat down in the middle of wherever the hell we were and put my hands to my head. "Ow!"

"Why are you hitting yourself?"

"I didn't mean to, did I," I snapped, angry at my own actions.

_See this is why you don't drink. It's never fun and you always end up being a moody old cow._

"BOO!"

"ARGH!"

I was drunk. Okay, I'll admit it, I was. However, as I witnessed Lily jumping from the heather bush and falling into a jellied heap on the grassy bank, bringing Andie down with her, I realized I wasn't _that _drunk.

"Lily, where have you been?" Andie shrieked as she tried to get up from her place on the ground.

_Ugh, my head._

"I am totally in phase two right now," I said, knowing my voice probably wasn't very clear.

"Phase two of what?" Andie asked over Lily's hysterical laughter. "Von, where did you get a teddy from?" She squinted at my lap.

I looked down and saw a fuzzy teddy bear. "I... right, that's it!" I declared dramatically, clambering up of the ground. "To the boat!" I shouted.

"Timber!"

"Wait! How am I on the ground again?" I said, muddled up, as my hands were framed by the dirt.

_Oh, whatever._

"This way!" I called, charging forward down to the lakeside. "Aha!" I smirked as I clambered over to the wooden boat. "In we get, lovelies," I said to the other two girls.

Lily walked (well, rather stumbled) over to the boat and climbed (well, fell) in. "This is a loch, you know," Lily said as she leaned on me, trying not to fall over again. "Since we're in Scotland, this is a loch but everyone - heehee - everyone calls it a - haha - a lake! Hahahaha!" There was the laughing again.

Lily was officially a funny drunk.

"Where did Andie go?" I frowned, looking around the boat as best I could without falling.

"RON! Ron, I think I'm stuck!" I heard Andie scream down at me and I swivelled on spot a few times, looking up to where I heard the voice.

"Are you in the tree?" I shouted, confused.

"Yes! Oh Merlin, this is bad times," she replied.

"Stay there, Lily!" I ordered before turning once more to the tree. "Okay, Andie! JUMP!"

"WHAT?"

"JUMP!"

"I CAN'T…"

"Yes, you can!"

"No, I can't...

"Yes, you can!"

"No I - ARGH"

"See, you jumped!" I said triumphantly. "You okay?" I frowned as she hobbled off the ground.

"Yeah, I'm good," she replied feebly.

"Y'sure?"

"Uh huh... LILY!" Andie shouted, looking behind me.

"Oh my God, Lily, what are you doing?" I cried as she drifted from shore. I quickly pulled at Andie's hand and dragged her with me to run for the boat.

_Why did I think drinking would be a good plan? _I thought to myself as I tripped over in my haste.

"Ugh, I am so sick of doing that."

"AH, this is so cold!" Andie complained as we paddled through the water, grabbing onto the boat.

"Get in, get in, get in!" Lily screamed, panicked.

"Eh, we're trying, Red!" Andie replied, half in the boat.

"The boats going to tip!" Lily shouted as Andie finally got in and pulled me in.

"Simmer down, Red, it's all good now." Andie sighed.

_Why is there only one oar?_

"Lily, you left an oar onshore," I said bluntly, looking at our one our as we drifted even further from the dark shore.

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream! Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream!" Lily sang, ignoring me totally.

"One oar it is, then." Andie held it up. "Glad someone's having fun."

-duhduff-

"What was that?"

-duhduff-

"Oh my God, what the hell?" Lily had stopped singing now.

"Oi!" a voice called from the shore which we were currently drifting away from.

"Is that Potter?" Andie squinted as she leaned over the side to look closer.

"What the hell are _they _doing here?" Lily asked, recognizing the boys on the shore.

_Oh no, it's him._

"What are you _doing_?" we vaguely heard him yell.

"Shhhh!" Andie stage-whispered to James. "You're going to wake everyone up!" She shook her head disapprovingly.

I rolled my eyes, becoming increasingly amused at the entire situation. "How did they know we were – Argh!" I screamed as the boat found itself out of the water and up in the air.

"OH MY GOD, WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

"Ah!"

"What is going on?"

-duff-

...

"What the hell are you lot doing?" James asked, peering into the boat with a smile on his lips.

"Wait... how are you here? How are we here? What happened?" Andie shouted, confused.

"The squid clearly isn't a fan of people on his lake," I heard a silky voice say from behind me.

I craned my neck to see him. "Urgh, it's you." I rolled my eyes and decided to climb out of the boat.

"It's a loch, actually," Lily announced in an obvious way.

"Careful." Sirius placed his hand on my arm to steady me.

"I am being careful. Shut up," I snapped.

"Have you lot been drinking?" Remus asked.

_Where did he come from?_

"That's none of your business." Andie rolled her eyes.

"Why were you in a boat?"

"Why were you on shore?" Andie said defensively.

"I asked first."

"So what?" She seemed about to blow her lid any second at him.

"Shh," Peter suddenly said. Should have known he'd be here too.

"Who are you telling to shh-" Andie was cut off when we saw lights suddenly turning on in the cabin nearby.

"Uh-oh." Lily said, trying not laugh.

"Come on," Sirius said from beside me. The next thing I knew, someone dragged me behind a very big rock. Everyone was told to hush up.

_You can't teach some people manners._

"Who's there?" I heard Hagrid's deep gruff voice sound out through the night. I sat down, huffing at not being able to just go inside and go to bed.

"Ah, come on, Fang. Nothin' but animals, is all," we heard Hagrid say. The door shut soundly.

_That was weirdly close..._

Suddenly, I realized I was beside the guy who had been avoiding me for nearly a month now. And he was touching me.

_Wow, reality check._

"Stop touching me, Potter," I heard Lily hiss from beside me.

"Stop trying to get away then, Lily flower."

"You're sickening, you know that?" Andie stepped, in rolling her eyes at James' actions.

"Well, well, well, look who's friends with a Muggleborn," Sirius whispered from beside me, staring at his cousin.

"Always full of tricks, that's me." Andie grinned and Sirius laughed slightly.

_Weird family..._

"Lily!" I heard Remus shout. I turned my head just in time to see her running into the dark forest.

"Lily!" I cried as well, watching as she disappeared from sight.

"Well done, Potter." Andie said, trying to get up but falling down.

James, though, was already up and running after Lily. I wasn't far behind in my efforts to get up and have a look. I was, however, stopped by a very strong grasp. "Where do you think you're going?" Sirius asked me, his eyes dark as they looked into mine.

_Damn, I'd forgotten how his gaze traps me._

"Let go of me!" I ordered, pulling my hand from his grasp before running off after Lily.

...

_Bad plan._

I was disorientated, dizzy. My head was spinning, my focus had gone, and I now stood in the dark forest. It was silent and I had no clue where I was.

_Bad, bad, bad plan._

"You shouldn't run away from me."

I jumped about ten feet in the air, I swear to God. "Don't do that, you idiot!" I cursed at him softly.

"You shouldn't run into a dark forest, Veronica." _Veronica? _I didn't like him calling me that. I didn't like him calling me that at all.

"Whatever." I glared, making a move to walk past him.

"Where are you going now?" he called after me.

"To find Lily, not that it's any of your business, Black... whoa." I felt his arm on mine, keeping me up as I stumbled.

"What you need to do is get back to the castle. You're in no fit state to be out here like this."

"I need to find Lily."

"James is making sure she gets back to bed, which is where you should be going, too."

"Trying to get me into bed, Black? Shame on you," I scolded. I literally couldn't stop myself from saying it.

I could have sworn I saw the corners of his mouth twitch. "You're very drunk." I heard amusement in his voice.

"Not that drunk. Nothing very funny has happened, so it can't be that bad," I reasoned.

_Ugh, why won't my head stop spinning?_

"Come on. We need to get you back to the castle." His eyes glanced around the dark wood. I could tell he wanted to leave.

"What about Andie?" I reminded with a frown.

"Remus isn't going to let her get hurt. He'll get her to her dorm," Sirius replied evenly.

"Promise?"

"I'm sorry?" I saw something flicker in his eyes.

"Can you promise that James, Remus, and Peter will make sure Andie and Lily are all right? If you can't, I'm not coming with you," I cemented stubbornly.

"I promise," he forced out.

I paused for a minute, trying to capture some rationality with my thoughts. It felt very surreal to have him in front of me like this after over a month of no contact at all. I hated being like _this _right now.

_Seriously, why did you drink?_

"Lead the way, then." I gestured grandly ahead of me.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Shouldn't you be getting your Quidditch sleep and all that jazz?" I asked, walking at a snail's pace through the corridors of Hogwarts. "What were you doing out and about at this time?" Determined not to fall again, I kept repeating, "Slow and steady" to myself.

"We saw the three of you on the lake. James got worried, so we came to have a look," Sirius replied, his voice like rough velvet through the silence of the stone halls.

_He and his bloody map._

"Are you sure Andie and Lily will be okay? Because-"

"Veronica, they'll be fine. I promised, didn't I?" Sirius answered.

"Do you have to call me that?"

"Call you what?"

"Veronica."

"Well, I call your brothers Phoenix, so that's already taken. Veronica is your name, isn't it?" Sirius said in a hard voice.

"You always call me V, though." I frowned. Maybe the alcohol was having an affect somewhere.

"That was before," was his short reply.

I began to glare at him. "I want you to leave now." I said bluntly.

"Excuse me?"

"I'd like to be left on my own," I continued, hating how my head was spinning again.

"I have to make sure you get back to your dorm."

"What do you care? Shouldn't you be getting back to your latest whore?" I spat.

"Check out the venom dripping from you," Sirius said, his eyes dark after a pause.

"How do you want me to be, Sirius?"

"Why should you be anything but pleased? I did as you asked. I stayed away from you," he responded quickly.

His answer struck me. "Yes, you did," I whispered, continuing to walk.

"Then why are you being like this?" Sirius called after me, quickening his pace to catch up.

"You know why, Sirius! Ugh." I stood still, holding a hand to my head as a pain swept through.

"Are you all right?" I heard him say.

"Yeah, I just-" I stopped as my eyes became blurry and I started to fall slightly.

"Whoa, okay, come here," he ordered, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to a sitting position on the floor.

My eyes started to focus again and I took him in as he crouched down beside me. His dark eyes were switching from one of my eyes to other.

"Maybe I should take you to the hospital wing," he mused.

"No, don't. I'll be fine. I just need to sleep it off." I closed my eyes and shook my head, making a move to get up. His hand wrapped around mine as he helped me off the ground.

"Why?" Sirius asked, his eyes unreadable to me now.

"Why what?" I asked, confused.

"You said, 'I know why you're being like this.' But I don't. So why, V?" he asked gently. I stared back at him.

_He said V..._

"I don't like to think of you with other girls, Sirius. I can't help it. I hate it," I admitted. I don't know if it was the alcohol or something else, but I just saw no reason to lie to him.

"Why?" he repeated, his gaze impossibly dark now as our gazes stayed locked.

"It makes me feel sick when I think of it," I breathed, my voice holding a firm quality to it even in my sad excuse for intoxication.

"But why, V?" Sirius repeated, desperation to his tone now as he spoke.

"Because I can't stop myself from caring about you, Sirius. I've tried, but I can't." I shook my head again.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing... I just want to go to bed," I said gently, feeling myself becoming increasingly tired.

"Okay, then," he replied after a moment of silence.

I vaguely remember walking with him to Gryffindor tower. Very soon, we found ourselves at the foot of the girls' dormitory staircase. I was confused when he made a move to come up with me.

"Guys can't come up this staircase, can they?" I spoke very quietly.

"Give me your hand." Sirius ordered.

I was startled. "Why?"

"Just give me your hand, V," he repeated, more gently this time. I obeyed him. The second he took my hand, I felt a shock go up my arm.

_Merlin, why does this have to be so complicated?_

After taking my hand, he started to walk up the staircase. I was surprised to see no slide appear.

_He really does just do everything smoothly, doesn't he? _I asked myself as we made it to the door of my dorm.

"I wanted to make sure you got to your dorm."

"Now you have?"

"I have to go, V."

"To someone's bed?" I asked, my eyes narrowing.

"Would that bother you?"

I gritted my teeth for a moment before I gave in and replied, "Yes. It would bother me. You know it would."

He breathed in deeply and exhaled as he spoke. "I'm going to my bed, V. On my own," Sirius replied gently, though he looked torn for a moment.

"Why are you frowning?" I asked him, taking a step closer and looking him straight in the eye, wanting to see something, anything, that would show me how he really felt.

"You make things difficult sometimes, V. You're the biggest head spin I've ever some across." Sirius breathed out deeply again. "Good night," he said softly. Then he did something I didn't know how to react to: he kissed my forehead.

And he was gone.

I stood outside my door for God knows how long. Just waiting there, unsure of how to act or what to do. I felt hopelessly out of my element. I didn't feel very drunk anymore.

_When is all of this going to go away?_

I prayed it was soon. I didn't know how much more of this I could take.

I opened up my dorm door quietly and stepped into the stony silence of the room. The first thing I did was check if Lily was there. I felt an enormous amount of relief when I realized she was sound asleep. I was confident that Andie was in bed too, so I could finally stop worrying about my two friends. I then went to my drawers and got changed in silence.

_Why won't it go away? _ I asked myself desperately.

I'd make it go away, I decided. I dropped my used clothing on the bed and then strode from the room with a sense of purpose. My feet moved of their own accord, padding down the staircase and then up another. I came to a door, pulled the handle down, and went in. I don't know how I knew which bed was his, but I navigated my way over to the second on my right. As I pulled back the curtains, I wasn't disappointed.

"V-?"

I cut him off. It was coming out. I couldn't stop it now. We - I - I'd hit a dead end and there was only one way out.

"We need to speak, Sirius. I can't bear the silence, the glares, the tension any more. Please, Sirius, why won't it stop?" I pleaded. I begged him to let me know what was happening. Why it hurt so much still, even after all this time. His dark eyes squared in on mine. I did not care that there were three other occupants in the room who could wake up any moment.

He was considerate, though, and within a minute we were behind his curtains, a silencing spell keeping the sound in.

"I'm sorry," I breathed the word like a prayer the moment we were safe. "I'm so sorry. For everything I've done to you. You tried to help me, but I... I never meant..." I struggled to find the right words. "I'm sorry." The words were the only ones that could really fit what I was feeling in those moments.

He just looked at me for almost a full minute, his eyes not breaking contact for a second.

_Why does he do this? How can I stop it?_

"I know you are," Sirius said finally, and his words were like a seal to something. A switch that told me he knew. His eyes told me he understood the reason I was in his bed at God knows what time of night, the reason I was pouring myself into his eyes. I couldn't break his gaze.

_I wanted it to stop. I wanted him to make it stop._

So I kissed him.

I crushed myself to him so fiercely I felt my bones ache. I didn't know who was breathing the breaths that reached my ears. I wanted to lose myself in him, even if it was just for a second. I clung to him like he was my answer, for in those moments he was. He was the antidote to the poison. An antidote to everything. All the pain. All the worry and the guilt. One touch and he could take it away. One touch and he _took _it away.

"We can't-" He pulled back, his breathing heavy, and rested his forehead on mine.

_We can't stop._

"Don't think," I whispered, trying to close the invisible distance between us and grasping his face between my hands to look him in the eyes. "Just don't think," I begged, brushing my lips across his as I spoke. When our lips hit each other this time, I felt a burn. I felt a fire coming through my veins. I needed more. I craved more than what we were.

My hands travelled a path on their own. Before either of us could really think about what we were doing, my hands were wrapping around something that made everything seem okay.

_I just need it to stop._

"We can't—"

"Do you want me to stop?" I asked him, my eyes fiercely fixing on his.

"V, this is—"

"Do_ you _wantme to stop?" I repeated, this time more firmly.

He held my gaze for a moment before he replied, "No." With one word, he seemed to shatter all my guarded walls and with one word what we had become just seemed to unravel.

I had opened a door I knew that I wouldn't be able to close.

**So what do we think? My Beta quite rightly said that I was being a bit vague here towards the end and that I should try and specify a bit more but I felt that considering her mind frame and that she is still a little but drunk, things are going to come out a bit all over the place. Sorry if your disappointed but I promise to clear it up on the next chapter. **

**I'll update as soon as I can but I'm still doing exams so it might take a while.**

**Review xxxxx**


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